very envious of friend - stop me feeling like this!

[sidewalkinthetalk]

Visited a friend at her house a few weeks ago. She and her family have recently completed a big renovation and their place looks amazing - it's my dream house in many ways...

I'm ashamed to say, I came away feeling really really jealous. 😖 It's not just the house, but it just highlighted to me that this friend has so much that I don't - a big warm extended family (mine and DH's families extended families are disastrous - deaths/estrangements/mental illness - we have no support at all), together with huge career success that have made my friend and her husband a lot of money between them: think several luxury holidays a year, going out all the time, never ever having to worry about paying the bills or their financial future etc etc.

DH and I have have two lovely kids (one with a minor disability that makes life quite stressful at times), and in 'okay' jobs with an average amount of debt I guess. We've been going through a rough time recently for a whole host of reasons, so I suppose that's not helping my mindset.

I know 'comparison is the thief of joy', and I'm normally good at just looking at the good things in my life and being grateful that I'm not living in poverty - but I just can't seem to shake these envious feelings, and I really want to. Any advice on how to move past this? Thanks.

there are probably issues in her family that you can't see - abusive relationship, controlling partner, hidden debt issues, health problems, family feuds, addiction etc.- that you might not be aware of - everyone has their problems so while their life might look perfect on the surface the reality could be very different. I am sure there are things she is jealous of you of, maybe your relationship, your amazing good looks or anything like that.

I found this video a while ago, which might help that I really liked

This week I went round to someone’s house and a very similar experience…yep - they both have well paid jobs and all manner of works on the house - extension/solar panels etc. it made me want to improve our living standards- so I bought the dog a new bed 😂.

The fact is I’m much too old(and quite possibly too thick) to change up my career so I figure it’s far better to think of your glass as half full.

Move on OP and try not to dwell on it. You never know what’s round the corner!

You never know what’s going on behind closed doors. They might have loads of debt to pay for the renovations. Try and appreciate what you do have

It's ok to be envious, some people have all the luck.
Even if they get terminal cancer, they will be able to be comfortable, children taken care of and access to the best therapists. TBH I just avoid triggering friends, who are we kidding pretending we don't feel jealous. I'd just rather not see them and not know, people feel more comfortable now talking about muting social media updates from gloaty friends, talking about seeing perfect homes, mums and bodies on social media is making them anxious and then we see the 'behind the scenes, when I breathe out look at my rolls before and after' sort of thing but nobody shows us this in real life, everyone is holding it together and putting the best pic out and i get it, because if you moan and complain nobody will want to be your friend ..damned if you damned if you dont so I just live in my little cave and don't see triggering people. Maybe it's not healthy but I'm of the opinion that if it doesn't hurt then it must be working. Why trigger yourself and rub salt in the wound by seeing them and hearing about yet another fancy holiday, expensive hobbies and their kids private schools. No thanks.

😂bought the dog a new bed. Made me laugh out loud. I bet your dog is one happy pooch.

I agree with @leafygarden. You don't know what is around the corner so don't spend it feeling Jealous..

Perhaps it's helpful to share my perspective from the other side.
I have a couple of friends who have openly told me how envious they are of me and my lifestyle. Not in a negative way as such, more jokey.
Thing is, on the surface it all looks great, but we don't lead perfect lives. My mental health has been rubbish for a long time (no amount of wealth will help that), we've had marital problems, relationships with certain family members are fraught.

All that said, it's pretty normal to feel envious of people who have more money, success etc. I think it's human nature.
You just can't let it affect your own happiness. You have to appreciate what you do have.

I'm pretty sure most people would trade any amount of money in the world to not have a terminal cancer diagnosis. What an odd way to think of it.

I worked for very rich people for years within three different industries, it never bothered me until the cost of living crisis, Covid and brexit as well probably.

But now the gap has widened, can't afford a holiday this year, can't afford to do the house properly or change the car. It really bothers me ! The constant contact with people who have so much and moan (quite rightly in their own way) about their first world problems really grated so much I changed my day to day job, and I now manage others to do my old job.

I couldn't hack it! It made and cross on a daily basis and I didn't want to feel like that anymore.

Oh for goodness sake you really are reaching there.

Years ago, we made the mistake of comparing ourselves to our friends and we felt a bit thick and thought at times we were under achievers, come the 2008 crash we were (mortgage aside)debt free yet they had historically treated the equity in their home as something to fund their lifestyle and yet still managed to be £50,000 in debt.

Here we are fifteen years later comfortably retired, mortgage free, debt free, rainy day fund etc.,

You have no idea what is going on behind closed doors.

Please don’t do this to yourself.

@thaegumathteth it's really not odd. They say illness and death dont discriminate that's why I mentioned terminal cancer there. The point which I thought was quite obvious is that everyone has shit happen to them or will happen to them, telling me of course the rich have their own problems, yeah well we all do but when you have money it cushions your fall, it helps immeasurably. I would suffer more knowing my family is in debt or starving, whatever time I have left in a cold mouldy flat or in a comfortable surrounding. come on surely you can see this. You suffer twice more when you're poor for the same thing.

Aww try not to be jealous, I would probably have been the person you are jealous of ! Had a beautiful period house with an amazing hand made kitchen , top of the range conservatory. Lovely cars on the drive and I was miserable as sin as my marriage was unhappy . I was upset leaving the house but not the unhappiness of my life ! All that glistens is not gold as they say !!

@drpet49 why? I was giving examples of how things might not be as perfect as they seem. I suspect every family has their issues, be they big ones like I suggested, or niggly annoying ones or just incompatible relationships. They're not always obvious on the outside. It's not inconceivable there are problems that can't be seen. Do your friends see and understand everything about your life? Life behind closed doors can be very different compared to what others see!

I've also been surprised that some of my wealthier friends have often expressed envy or jealousy towards myself and my own life. I have relatively little money but a large amount of freedom, a creative career and good taste in certain things. I sometimes detect an element of insecurity from certain people, I think because they feel insecure about their own careers or something vs mine which can be more creative and fun. I don't mean to sound up myself, it just works both ways is what I am trying to say.

I'd say don't try to combat the jealousy by telling yourself that perhaps her life isn't so roses in some other way. People always suggest it on these threads and I think it is a terrible mindset to have.

I'd just allow my self to feel jealous for a little while without fighting against it (ie dont try to tell yourself that you shouldn'thave the feeling), you will like find that doing this will make the jealousy float away.

Then have a think about what bits of your life you could improve on. So for example, you mentioned family, might there be one or two individuals in your family you could cultivate a bit of a better bond with?

Your recent difficulties probably exacerbated your feelings but honestly what you see in a snapshot isn't everyone's lives or what goes on either internally or on a wider scale.

My friend recently had a bit of a vent rant at me (she had clearly been bottling it up for a while) that I "stole her life" because my DH and I had done things to the goal levels she had set herself (marriage, house, kids career etc) we never planned like that not really planners its just what we fell into. Whilst in her words she feels like she's trapped mid 20s (she's mid 30s).
I let her rant and calmly explained what our life is really like. For years she thought we had the perfect life but didn't see the flip side of real life and the stresses that comes with!

I identify with this, I was married for 35yrs and had 4 sons the in-laws were the most awkward miserable bunch you could imagine and I was living with them, the tension was constant. 4yrs ago I’d had enough and left, quickly found a new man, his family are lovely, very close and have accepted me completely, now I can relax at last.

Those with supportive families are so lucky

Jealousy is destructive, you don’t wish them harm, wish bad luck on them, you’re envious and that’s fine.

I think jealousy is a natural emotion. I doubt there's a person alive who hasn't felt it at least once.

I will say that people often see the good things in others lives, but often don't see what it took for them to get those good things. It probably took years of hard work, saving and sacrifices to get that amazing house.

They are lucky to have a close extended family but you are lucky to have your own little family. There will be some people envious of you with your husband and your children. It's OK to feel down about where you are in life but try and focus on the positives you do have. There's always someone worse off.

Its horrible isn't it? And I'm not sure there is any way past it other than what can't be cured must be endured as my mum used to say.
Plus telling yourself that however much or little other people have has no practical bearing on your life. You have to play the cards you were dealt the best you can. Its a long life and you don't know what particular happiness lies in store for you that may put extensions and supportive family into the shade.
I'm getting on now, and have very little materially and no family left other than DC, but I'm so happy with the other things life has given me I'd not swap with anyone. I hope you reach that point in your life.

I totally get you OP. I had this ‘feeling of envy’ when it comes to my sisters life. But last year on a night out she got ridiculously drunk, and confessed her life wasn’t as rosy as I think, or was envious of. It just goes to show, on the surface everything looks good and these people
have the most amazing, perfect, beautiful, wonderful, brilliant lives, but deep down, there’s always something they’re not telling people, or have going on which others aren’t aware of.

I was so shocked to hear my sisters ‘real’ version of events, she told me everything, in a drunken rage. She’s so unhappy, miserable and fed up with her ‘oh so perfect’ life. There was me thinking she had it all, and was so happy. But no, little did I know, she’s envious of me, and I’ve got hardly anything.

Don’t let this get to you, and no matter what, be proud of all you do have. Life isn’t easy and we all want more, but sometimes more isn’t what we need.

OP, I think this is perfectly natural & ok.

It's hard. Life isn't fair, in big ways & small. And it's ok to have these feelings, and even allow yourself to feel that way for a bit.

Those saying 'you don't know what's going on behind closed doors', well, no, you don't. But I don't think you'd get ant comfort from imagining something bad might be happening to them!

And it's also true that others do have better, easier, happier lives than us. It doesn't mean they won't have pain or hard times. But I see this all the time - I'm in a very difficult situation, emotionally, legally, financially. I see others close to me & their fortunate lives & it's hard.

The only thing I do that helps is acknowledge it. Accept they might be more fortunate. And then try & focus on some small area of my life I can actively improve, that's within my control. I also remind myself that while life is hard now, there are more chapters to come & there might be great good fortune ahead for me too

Hope that you feel better soon. 💐

I have a few friends with houses like that and I always think I wouldn’t want to clean that! I think it’s about life choices. Someone I know has the big house and horses. But her anxiety is pretty bad and I think it prevents her from working and doing other things. The way I see it there is always something to worry about no matter who you are.

You are aware of your feelings and wanting to work on it. Good for you. It’s really raw emotions. The modern capitalism theory : envious makes the world go round. Or how else do they motivate people to work harder longer aiming for the next big thing. Who’s going to do the work?

Theres a book series called My Brilliant Friend. I really recommend it. It explores the complicated feelings you have between two female best friend going through ups and downs in their life.

it is very easy for people to say stop comparing and cherish what you have. That is not easy. Everything we’ve ever been taught is to achieve greater heights. So we have to undo a lifetimes of doctrine and educate ourselves.

I am share some perspective when you are on the other side of envy/jealousy. Trust me it is not pleasant. One girl in my girls group deliberately try to not invite me to group hang outs and pretend she forgot. Whatever I buy she has to buy it immediately or make comments about why she doesn’t want to buy it. It just got ugly and I then spent my next few years hiding everything. Never post my holidays again / always wear gym wear when girls meet up etc. that is also horrific experience 😭😭

I agree with Hillrunning don't try to not be jealous, just accept that you are, it's normal, let yourself feel jealous for however long and you'll find it'll pass.