very envious of friend - stop me feeling like this!

[sidewalkinthetalk]

Visited a friend at her house a few weeks ago. She and her family have recently completed a big renovation and their place looks amazing - it's my dream house in many ways...

I'm ashamed to say, I came away feeling really really jealous. 😖 It's not just the house, but it just highlighted to me that this friend has so much that I don't - a big warm extended family (mine and DH's families extended families are disastrous - deaths/estrangements/mental illness - we have no support at all), together with huge career success that have made my friend and her husband a lot of money between them: think several luxury holidays a year, going out all the time, never ever having to worry about paying the bills or their financial future etc etc.

DH and I have have two lovely kids (one with a minor disability that makes life quite stressful at times), and in 'okay' jobs with an average amount of debt I guess. We've been going through a rough time recently for a whole host of reasons, so I suppose that's not helping my mindset.

I know 'comparison is the thief of joy', and I'm normally good at just looking at the good things in my life and being grateful that I'm not living in poverty - but I just can't seem to shake these envious feelings, and I really want to. Any advice on how to move past this? Thanks.

Of course they don't. However, I've had the misfortune to see more than one person die of cancer. The level of comfort, privacy and peace of mind of the person who had private healthcare, could afford to fulfil final wishes, and who knew their family was provided for, far outweighed that of the person who died in a run down NHS hospital leaving their family with nothing. I don't know if the wealthier person was grateful for that at the end. I do know lack of money was an added burden for the other person.

Try reading Happiness by Matthieu Richard.

I have a friend with a huge beautiful expensive mansion with a huge indoor pool, sauna, huge garden etc. Her kids go to a top public school. Her husband is lovely and like yours has a loving supportive extended family. I'm happy for her and was so excited when they moved to the new house. She even hosted an event for me at her house. I feel like I can celebrate her and she's one of the bright stars in my life. However, even before she had this house when we met over 20yrs ago she was lovely and I cherish our friendship. I'm proud of her and see her life as a good thing in my life. She has many friends wealthier than me but such is life. I celebrate her and her children too.

I have another friend with similar wealth but the wealth was from questionable source so I don't celebrate or enjoy hers nor am I close to her even though we met the same time as my friend above.

If your friends have similar moral values to you, are good friends, good humans with good character then you are blessed/lucky/fortunate to have such friend. If you can't see them in this way then the friendship will cause you stress and will slowly slip away and that's fine.

This. Absolutely.

Comparison is the thief of joy !

I think it is incredibly easy to compare our lives with others who have seemingly better lives, especially when we are at a bit of a low point.
I think I am quite privileged in many ways, very much a glass half full type of person, I live in a nice part of the country, although will never be in a position to own my own home, have some good friends, love my job at least 90% of the time and this is the most important, am in relatively good health.
I could make significant improvements to my life and I think that having that opportunity to improve it is one of the biggest privileges you can have.

Sorry for radio silence! Got caught up with some stuff yesterday afternoon and didn't have time to reply. I really, really appreciate the wisdom and solidarity here and have taken it all in 😘

I've known these friends well for many years and - though we can never be sure exactly what exactly goes on behind closed doors or how happy and fulfilled people truly are - I am pretty sure their life is as good it appears! But it is what it is - and I'll try to focus on the advice of focusing on what's good and able to be improved in my own life, rather than comparing it to theirs.

For anyone else struggling with similar, I did read something that points out that we are more likely to feel envy towards those who lead pretty similar (but apparently 'better') lives to ourselves - more successful/wealthy friends in our own social circle, but we don't feel 'down' considering the lives of tech billionaires or film stars or whatever. Anyway, not sure how helpful that is but I thought it was interesting.

Thank you all again x

"My brilliant friend" is brilliant. So moving and complex.

I had a friend I was envious of from afar - she had the beautiful house (we were then in a flat with no garden), 3 children (we were struggling with secondary infertility), high paying job (we were still building our careers), lots of travel (we hadn't been able to afford to go away for a couple of years). Then sadly she got terminal breast cancer, and that really made me re-evaluate my attitude towards material things in general, and how futile it is to compare ourselves to others anyway. We are all walking different paths in life.

Eventually we got all the things I had been envious of her for anyway, so that taught me further that envious thought are just wasted time. My point is, you never know what is going to happen in yours or someone else's life, so you do you and try to become so content and grateful for what you do have that you don't notice what other people do or do not have.

I did read something that points out that we are more likely to feel envy towards those who lead pretty similar (but apparently 'better') lives to ourselves - more successful/wealthy friends in our own social circle, but we don't feel 'down' considering the lives of tech billionaires or film stars or whatever.

That makes sense, absolutely. I guess it's the sense that their success is within touching distance for us, whereas we don't really think we can have a life like a film star.

I accepted a long time ago my best friend far outstrips me in terms of income. She has a beautiful house, the sort of place I’d buy if I won the lottery. But her and her DH work like trojans. They achieved it all themselves, no inheritance etc. Interestingly most of their friends are also driven, high achievers. I have a middling N HS job. I’m proud of myself for not allowing jealousy to undermine the relationship and for the fact that it has survived this long. On my deathbed I’ll be glad of her friendship, not envying her house.

I have a very good friend who could be described the same way. Wealthy, beautiful mortgage free house, fancy sports car in the drive, incredibly successful career where she picks and chooses part time 6 figure roles in household names, amazing clothes and style, you name it. She has it all and I’ve heard people say similar things about her. Only I have known her for over 20 years and the things she has been through would have broken most of us. I am in awe of her resilience and ability to put one foot in front of the other in the face of horrific odds. She is an amazing friend who would run through fire for me (and her other friends) because she knows what fires are. She deserves every ounce of the comfortable and happy life she now has because, fuck me, she has earned it.

@mistermagpie
lovely post

How do you know their lifestyle isn’t funded by debt?

I love this @Voodoobooboo . I am bordering on the kind of wealth you describe OP. 3 houses, dream renovation happening, amazing kids, dh who I’ve known since childhood and we are on holiday to luxury resorts whenever we can find the time between projects and school.

I can tell you that it does not come easy. So many sacrifices (that I do not see my friends making or having ever made) a lot of luck ! That’s what happens when you keep at it. …and hyper focused on your goals. Gym every day, staying up all night when things go wrong, so much work behind closed doors, strained relationship (but you communicate better and both grow and adjust and make it even better than before working together or else it’s over) Behind closed doors the amount of work it takes is huge, and the kind of risks you need to invest all your money with partners who you sort of trust, and mental agility required to navigate it.

I take my friends through it all because I’ve known them since I was an art student eating pot noodles and they are there with me (theoretically) but I know it’s starting to feel strained now in reality (so I don’t mention the quartz vs marble worktop dilemmas and visiting places or buying things as they can’t seem to relate and I can hear the nonchalant way like it’s not important) - but they can talk to me about everything they are going through. At some point, towards your late thirties it starts paying off. The hard choices to not have kids, both work all hours night and day - then to have kids really late, sacrificing it all, the one car we both had while we were saving money to buy property. I envy the women who just married rich! Lol but then where’s all the experience and good stories? In reality we do not speak of the comfortable wealth we have with anyone. I am only saying it here on mumsnet. (we are not ultra rich but have become well enough not to have to worry about bills) that’s how I would describe it. We have friends who changed careers all the time as she was a free spirit - and one who never bought any property and rented all her life in London who has suddenly got ill and made comments that’s made me feel off for a while. My sister. Why the envy? It’s the choices we all had and made. Dh worked really hard and I worked harder and managed to keep in-laws too despite their awful behaviour with me sometimes. I did not go swanning off to places when I was younger and saved money and invested. Understanding your friend will probably help you.
I found this thread because I am considering cutting off some friends who can’t seem to cope with my ‘happiness’.

Money problems and debt is a symptom of psychological trauma, and not the cause. And then it becomes a vicious cycle. Most wealthier people at a certain level understand how money works, and can avoid being funded by debt. (Unless it’s an actual financial business risk, not funding a lifestyle through debt.) A lot of the people I know in debt are usually the ones who can’t afford to go on holiday but take out a loan to do so. Or can’t afford to own a car, but will finance a car. Or buy a lot of clothes to feel better (instead of working out, eating healthier.)

There was a really good lesson on money once on some Oprah Winfrey show years and years ago and I really think people should know more about money and how to handle it.