very envious of friend - stop me feeling like this!

[sidewalkinthetalk]

Visited a friend at her house a few weeks ago. She and her family have recently completed a big renovation and their place looks amazing - it's my dream house in many ways...

I'm ashamed to say, I came away feeling really really jealous. 😖 It's not just the house, but it just highlighted to me that this friend has so much that I don't - a big warm extended family (mine and DH's families extended families are disastrous - deaths/estrangements/mental illness - we have no support at all), together with huge career success that have made my friend and her husband a lot of money between them: think several luxury holidays a year, going out all the time, never ever having to worry about paying the bills or their financial future etc etc.

DH and I have have two lovely kids (one with a minor disability that makes life quite stressful at times), and in 'okay' jobs with an average amount of debt I guess. We've been going through a rough time recently for a whole host of reasons, so I suppose that's not helping my mindset.

I know 'comparison is the thief of joy', and I'm normally good at just looking at the good things in my life and being grateful that I'm not living in poverty - but I just can't seem to shake these envious feelings, and I really want to. Any advice on how to move past this? Thanks.

A big house is A LOT of work. We're currently planning to downsize both the garden and the house to something more manageable. I'm coveting a bungalow 😂. Don't underestimate the amount of effort that goes in behind the scenes to maintain the perfect look. If you like cleaning, diy and gardening a lot - then fine!

Look down not up!

What does that even mean?

It means it can be helpful to look at people in a worse situation than yourself as then you suddenly feel incredibly lucky rather than looking at the lives of people in a better situation

there are probably issues in her family that you can't see - abusive relationship, controlling partner, hidden debt issues, health problems, family feuds, addiction etc

I mean they may be, but ‘probably’? 🙄 some people are just fortunate, doesn’t mean they’re being beaten up on the sly,

It means it can be helpful to look at people in a worse situation than yourself as then you suddenly feel incredibly lucky rather than looking at the lives of people in a better situation

I was afraid it might mean this.

That's rubbish advice.

All of us can think of someone who is 'worse' off than we are. But our difficulties are our own, and are valid for us.

I have friends who have lost DC, unimaginably awful & thank God, not something I know anything about. My heart breaks for them, but knowing about their grief doesn't help my own sadness and worry about my own serious problems.

I think it's possible to recognise other's problems & still struggle with resentment or jealousy at what someone else might have.

Exactly.

Haha! You've good and told me. I shall never say that phrase again!

It is easy to feel wistful sometimes but if someone had a gorgeous house and fancy cars/holidays etc but it was funded with loans and credit then I’d feel no envy at all and would rather live in a small flat that was mortgage free and no debt. For me nothing beats being free of debt.

That doesn’t seem very inspirational. I think count your blessings sounds a bit more palatable than that.

I think some posters are missing the fact that OP's friend also has a supportive family & career success, more so than OP & her DH.

So in totality she saw a lifestyle that is offering a lot more than hers, given she has been through a rough patch.

I see this a lot too - I happen to live in (well I'm close to it & my DC go to school / are friends with those in the area). I know lots of happy couples, close family nearby, financially successful.

If you're in a tough spot, it's hard to see this without wishing you could have some of it.

A couple I know in a similar position to your friends absolutely hate each other but remortgaged their expensive house to do the renovations and if they were to divorce now they wouldn’t have any equity to use for two new deposits.
The mortgage is huge and neither could afford the house alone, nor can they find enough in the budget for a little flat to enable a ‘nest’ style separation.

So he sleeps in the spare room that was built as part of the ginormous extension and they both date other people they meet online.

Both are miserable, work long hours, drink too much and put holidays on credit cards to temporarily escape their horror at being tethered for the foreseeable.

The house is truly gorgeous but the people living inside it are utterly miserable.

The main tip when it comes to jealousy seems to be "they probably have a shit life behind closed doors".

Actually, I'm extremely close to people (particularly 1 person, but in general a few others) whom I know for a fact have it better than me in almost all aspects of life – material and emotional/social. No secret abuse or debt or illness or whatever behind closed doors. It's just what happens when good mental health, a loving upbringing and societal/financial privilege all exist in a rare but happy confluence.

I'm wondering if anyone has any tips on how to handle jealousy in those cases. I'm genuinely close enough to feel happy for them, but at the same time, it's hard knowing not even one aspect of my life will ever get within the range of comparison.

I've got friends who are very wealthy - my entire ground floor could fit in their kitchen and they have a few acres of land too. But I really like them (it's harder to feel jealousy if you really like someone I think) and just feel happy for them. I do however, love my little cottage, it's perfect for DD and I, and I feel really lucky to live here. Be thankful for what you do have rather than unhappy about what you don't.

When I see a huge house I just think - how much is the council tax? How much to heat that place? How much to maintain it all and keep it looking nice? I'd rather live somewhere small and cheap tbh.

I'd say don't try to combat the jealousy by telling yourself that perhaps her life isn't so roses in some other way. People always suggest it on these threads and I think it is a terrible mindset to have.

Agree pretty much every response right from the very first post is the same on this thread, these successful people with the lovely house must secretly have a terrible life that you don’t know about just to make themselves and the OP feel better about their own situation which they perceive as lacking in comparison, it’s a form of self soothing but hoping or imagining their friends lives are awful behind the scenes is pretty fucked up, some people just win at life’s lottery.

But would you actually want to swap with them? I have a friend who has a much nicer house than me, and more money, but I have a lovely dh and dc so why would I want to start wishing things were different? She has a lovely dh and dc too, but they’re not mine and they wouldn’t suit me.
However I do have another friend who is quite competitive and is very keen to tell me about the trips and holidays she is doing with dc and that does grate. So I do see where you are coming from. I find it much easier to be friends with people who are low key and don’t make a thing out of how much they have.

I don’t know how you let go of the jealousy, maybe just remember we’ll all be dead relatively soon and the house will be dust one day?

Be thankful for what you do have rather than unhappy about what you don't.

Such a trite annoying phrase. You can be appreciative of what you have while also feeling wishful for a supportive family, lovely home & high income, as is the case with OP's friends.

It's natural to wish you had this, if you don't have it. If it was only the house, it would be possible to rationalise more easily.

But OP specifically says she has been through tough times, and that's making it hard for her in the context of her friend's fortune. Most people are ignoring this in their replies.

I have to make a conscious effort to find contentment in my daily life, or I'll drown in resentment and jealousy. I've worked hard for where I'm at in life, and have achieved many of my goals, but I still feel behind the curve and want to be "better" at life. It's a mindset that only leads to misery unfortunately, hence me trying to stop comparing myself to others! The me of 5 years ago wouldn't have dreamed of what I've accomplished and I need to feel proud of my own life's journey, unique from anyone else.

We are all prone to envy sometimes. I was really jealous of a friend for years, I had to work really hard to be nice to her in our group. Younger, kinder, prettier, more money, nicer house etc, much more popular.

Its a sign that you feel some sort of lack in your life. So I just made sure I valued what i had in my life. I realised we are different people, with different circumstances and luck, you do you, I do me.

I noticed the thought patterns in my own mind and managed to disrupt the pattern.

You are in the perfect place and you are enough. We are so vulnerable in life anyway, everything is great for her now but no one knows the future.

You may be making a lot of assumptions about your friends life.

Everyone faces challenges and experiences tough times. I have a very good friend whose life appears to be perfect on the surface; it isn’t the case.

Your friend really wouldn’t want you to feel this way. Not if she’s a true friend. Try to adjust your mindset to feeling happy for her. You sound very independent and you should feel proud of that.

Oh, I genuinely think you've misinterpreted my post completely! Perhaps due to the way I wrote it.

Firstly, when I said "all aspects", what I was trying to get across was a holistic and not just materialistic way. I wouldn't be jealous of someone just because they have a nicer house and more money! (Though when OP mentions "dream house" – imagine if it was in the exact style you dreamed of, not even large mansion, but maybe a lovely small cottage still not feasible for your lifestyle or income.)

I mean some people (whether naturally or cultivated in childhood) have great mental and emotional health, as well as great support networks in terms of both friends and family. And of course, great opportunities career-wise (in terms of passion etc, not just prestige). Being financially more well-off is just the cherry on top. Though not completely immune to bad things every now and then, they lead charmed lives in general.

I definitely agree with you that some things just aren't comparable though. My raggedy little "broken" family (nuclear and extended) with all its problems plus disabilities is still all mine. I wouldn't change it for the world. But it's hard to note that the chips fall very differently for everyone.

As for your 2nd paragraph, no, my friends/relatives aren't boastful at all, and don't make a thing out of how much they have. I wouldn't be jealous of anyone like that, as I'd probably conclude they had some inner insecurity.

(If it adds to the context – this isn't a stealth brag but pre-empting someone going "well they can't have such perfect lives, you must be naive" – most of these close friends/relatives are old classmates from a very prestigious/expensive school)

It's all very well saying you don't know what's going on in her life, comparison is the thief of joy etc. - but it doesn't really change anything does it?

When I feel like this, the best thing I think I can do is just own it. Reflect on what it is that I want that they have, maybe make some plans about how I can achieve that myself. Acknowledge that things might be harder because of XYZ - and that that's ok. Not having a beautiful house is not a moral failing. You're doing the best you can with what you have, and things will get better.

And have a big virtual hug, even though people don't like it here! It's tough when things are tough, and sometimes it's hard to have an appreciation for our own lives.

There really isn't a way to get over it, is there? So all you can do is treat it like any other intrusive negative thought and try to push it away and not dwell. Distract yourself. Focus on making the most of your own life, and when you know your jealousy will be particularly triggered, plan a little feel good thing to cheer yourself up afterwards.