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Original poster

very envious of friend - stop me feeling like this!

90 replies

sidewalkinthetalk · 12/03/2023 12:59

Visited a friend at her house a few weeks ago. She and her family have recently completed a big renovation and their place looks amazing - it's my dream house in many ways...

I'm ashamed to say, I came away feeling really really jealous. 😖 It's not just the house, but it just highlighted to me that this friend has so much that I don't - a big warm extended family (mine and DH's families extended families are disastrous - deaths/estrangements/mental illness - we have no support at all), together with huge career success that have made my friend and her husband a lot of money between them: think several luxury holidays a year, going out all the time, never ever having to worry about paying the bills or their financial future etc etc.

DH and I have have two lovely kids (one with a minor disability that makes life quite stressful at times), and in 'okay' jobs with an average amount of debt I guess. We've been going through a rough time recently for a whole host of reasons, so I suppose that's not helping my mindset.

I know 'comparison is the thief of joy', and I'm normally good at just looking at the good things in my life and being grateful that I'm not living in poverty - but I just can't seem to shake these envious feelings, and I really want to. Any advice on how to move past this? Thanks.

OP posts:
Livinghappy · 12/03/2023 17:59

Its a sign that you feel some sort of lack in your life

I agree with this. Work out what you are missing, if it's the great house can you do anything to yours to feel happier about it?
If you can't improve your situation (and that maybe the case for many) then you may have to grieve for a list dream.. ultimately you will get to acceptance

After an abusive marriage I felt envious of those who luckily married someone who wasn't abusive. I worked through the emotions and recognised they would disappate over time. Sometimes just acknowledging your emotions and writing them down helps.

ReadersD1gest · 12/03/2023 18:01

birdshavingabath · 12/03/2023 13:33

there are probably issues in her family that you can't see - abusive relationship, controlling partner, hidden debt issues, health problems, family feuds, addiction etc.- that you might not be aware of - everyone has their problems so while their life might look perfect on the surface the reality could be very different. I am sure there are things she is jealous of you of, maybe your relationship, your amazing good looks or anything like that.

Why would you assume any such thing? Confused

IhearyouClemFandango · 12/03/2023 18:05

Hillrunning · 12/03/2023 14:16

I'd say don't try to combat the jealousy by telling yourself that perhaps her life isn't so roses in some other way. People always suggest it on these threads and I think it is a terrible mindset to have.

I'd just allow my self to feel jealous for a little while without fighting against it (ie dont try to tell yourself that you shouldn'thave the feeling), you will like find that doing this will make the jealousy float away.

Then have a think about what bits of your life you could improve on. So for example, you mentioned family, might there be one or two individuals in your family you could cultivate a bit of a better bond with?

This.

mistermagpie · 12/03/2023 18:13

I feel like this relatively often with friends houses. DH and I were both on second marriages and lost a lot of money via that and on property in the credit crunch situation, so our house is tiny and rubbish compared to a lot of our friends. It's actually a bit embarrassing.

However, I remember years and years ago when I had lived in flatshares for years I said to my dad that all I wanted was a house with a garden and my own front door. That was it. I have that, plus a really happy marriage, a job I like and three beautiful children as well. So when I think about that wish from years ago, I've actually got all I ever wanted and so much more.

It's good to count your blessings and do it often. Don't worry about what other people have, it really isn't worth your headspace.

Sundaefraise · 12/03/2023 18:16

ootb · 12/03/2023 17:52

Oh, I genuinely think you've misinterpreted my post completely! Perhaps due to the way I wrote it.

Firstly, when I said "all aspects", what I was trying to get across was a holistic and not just materialistic way. I wouldn't be jealous of someone just because they have a nicer house and more money! (Though when OP mentions "dream house" – imagine if it was in the exact style you dreamed of, not even large mansion, but maybe a lovely small cottage still not feasible for your lifestyle or income.)

I mean some people (whether naturally or cultivated in childhood) have great mental and emotional health, as well as great support networks in terms of both friends and family. And of course, great opportunities career-wise (in terms of passion etc, not just prestige). Being financially more well-off is just the cherry on top. Though not completely immune to bad things every now and then, they lead charmed lives in general.

I definitely agree with you that some things just aren't comparable though. My raggedy little "broken" family (nuclear and extended) with all its problems plus disabilities is still all mine. I wouldn't change it for the world. But it's hard to note that the chips fall very differently for everyone.

As for your 2nd paragraph, no, my friends/relatives aren't boastful at all, and don't make a thing out of how much they have. I wouldn't be jealous of anyone like that, as I'd probably conclude they had some inner insecurity.

(If it adds to the context – this isn't a stealth brag but pre-empting someone going "well they can't have such perfect lives, you must be naive" – most of these close friends/relatives are old classmates from a very prestigious/expensive school)

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Apologies if I’ve misinterpreted what you said. Its been interesting to hear your thoughts on this 💐

lollipoprainbow · 12/03/2023 18:20

MrsRosieBrew · 12/03/2023 17:50

You may be making a lot of assumptions about your friends life.

Everyone faces challenges and experiences tough times. I have a very good friend whose life appears to be perfect on the surface; it isn’t the case.

Your friend really wouldn’t want you to feel this way. Not if she’s a true friend. Try to adjust your mindset to feeling happy for her. You sound very independent and you should feel proud of that.

I'm sure you're trying to make the OP feel better but the sentiment that everyone has their own problems is rubbish. Some people are just incredibly lucky in life. It's very unfair.

FourTeaFallOut · 12/03/2023 18:28

Some people have an impressive deck of cards to work with and some people don't have that advantage. It's okay to acknowledge the difference and to be envious. You are allowed to have a human emotions, the trick is to not dwell on them so much that they develop more space than they deserve.

MrsRosieBrew · 12/03/2023 18:31

lollipoprainbow · 12/03/2023 18:20

I'm sure you're trying to make the OP feel better but the sentiment that everyone has their own problems is rubbish. Some people are just incredibly lucky in life. It's very unfair.

Show quote history

Of course everyone has their own problems, challenges and difficult times. Maybe not now but over a lifetime, everyone does.

Weallgottachangesometime · 12/03/2023 18:32

I think the fact that you recognise and acknowledge your envious feelings is a massive step in the right direction in itself. I also think it fairly usual to feel this way, especially about the helpful extended family part.

I think maybe trying to refocus your thoughts when they are getting in a negative pattern. Eg when you think “why isn’t my house as nice as hers”- pick yourself up on it and remind yourself what things you love about your home.

be aware or how those feelings affect your actions too. Incase they affect how you act/behave with your friends

TaraRhu · 12/03/2023 18:43

I am ashamed to say I feel like this sometimes. With me it's not the ones that are self made that annoy me. I'm happy for them. It's the ones that have had tonnes of family help but pass it off as their own. That's the difference between me and most others. It's just not fair! But I am ashamed to feel like that. Terrible emotion. But totally normal and not talked about. Hard not to feel inadequate and easy to feel like you haven't met your potential. Not much advice just don't beat yourself up

LilyPark · 12/03/2023 18:47

lollipoprainbow · 12/03/2023 18:20

I'm sure you're trying to make the OP feel better but the sentiment that everyone has their own problems is rubbish. Some people are just incredibly lucky in life. It's very unfair.

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"Some people are just incredibly lucky in life. It's very unfair". In economic, safety and liberty terms, pretty much everyone living in Britain is incredibly lucky compared to much of the world and it's very unfair!

lollipoprainbow · 12/03/2023 18:59

@LilyPark such a silly argument just because we live in Britain doesn't mean everything is rosy.

LilyPark · 12/03/2023 19:01

lollipoprainbow · 12/03/2023 18:59

@LilyPark such a silly argument just because we live in Britain doesn't mean everything is rosy.

Agreed. But what I mean is if you went and hung out say in the Ukraine for a week when you came back everything would look pretty rosy. Don't you think?

lollipoprainbow · 12/03/2023 19:03

@LilyPark irrelevant, so I shouldn't be fed up with my lot as people around the world have it much worse ???

LilyPark · 12/03/2023 19:07

lollipoprainbow · 12/03/2023 19:03

@LilyPark irrelevant, so I shouldn't be fed up with my lot as people around the world have it much worse ???

Well it depends if you want to be fed up with your lot. If you would like to be fed up with your lot you could ignore that aspect of things but if you would like to be content with your lot then that thought would probably help you feel content. But it is totally up to you or anyone!

AllOfThemWitches · 12/03/2023 19:08

Even if they get terminal cancer, they will be able to be comfortable, children taken care of and access to the best therapists.

Shitty comment.

AllOfThemWitches · 12/03/2023 19:09

I feel like this sometimes but I don't want to waste my life wishing it was different.

Moonicorn · 12/03/2023 19:12

AllOfThemWitches · 12/03/2023 19:08

Even if they get terminal cancer, they will be able to be comfortable, children taken care of and access to the best therapists.

Shitty comment.

I mean it’s a dark topic but it must make it slightly easier, surely?

highstep · 12/03/2023 19:27

I do understand OP. I think it helps to practice gratitude when feeling like this (apologies I'm boaking writing that too) but just taking that step back to think about what you've got that others may be envious off, we can be grateful for what we have without assuming the worst for those who we perceive to have more which isn't a healthy mindset I don't think! (I know that wasn't you op!)

ReadersD1gest · 12/03/2023 19:57

AllOfThemWitches · 12/03/2023 19:08

Even if they get terminal cancer, they will be able to be comfortable, children taken care of and access to the best therapists.

Shitty comment.

How is it shitty?

surreygirl1987 · 12/03/2023 20:06

Someone said to me recently how jealous they are of my life. I live in a lovely 5 bedroom detached house, have a great career that I love, two lovely little children, and we're always off having fun. I laughed - we're in a huge amount of debt because of insane childcare costs, last year I paid more for nursery than I earned, my children drive me mad and I'm constantly worrying about them, my career is hard work and I'm working ALL the time and find it stressful, and our mortgage is sky high. You really do never know what's behind closed doors - you only see the good side.

AllOfThemWitches · 12/03/2023 20:09

Moonicorn · 12/03/2023 19:12

I mean it’s a dark topic but it must make it slightly easier, surely?

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Have you ever seen someone die of cancer? I don't think they are thinking 'thank fuck I'm rich' in their dying days.

ReadersD1gest · 12/03/2023 20:10

AllOfThemWitches · 12/03/2023 20:09

Have you ever seen someone die of cancer? I don't think they are thinking 'thank fuck I'm rich' in their dying days.

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You've completely misunderstood 🤦‍♀️

AllOfThemWitches · 12/03/2023 20:11

ReadersD1gest · 12/03/2023 20:10

You've completely misunderstood 🤦‍♀️

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Nah I think suggesting that having terminal cancer is easier if you have money is pretty crass.

FourTeaFallOut · 12/03/2023 20:15

AllOfThemWitches · 12/03/2023 20:11

Nah I think suggesting that having terminal cancer is easier if you have money is pretty crass.

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I think it's a reasonable assertion. Having terminal cancer certainly isn't improved by the immediate cascade of concerns which accompany poverty.

However, I do think it's an unnecessary and flippantly used point of comparison on a thread that is totally unrelated.