My ex's very jealous partner

[Bunny44]

I fear that my ex's partner is going to get in the way of him having a relationship with his child and also me(as friends) during the pregnancy. We were only together for 6 months when I found out I was pregnant and had been doing long distance before then, but things then didn't work out between us and he went back to his home country a few weeks ago when I was 11 weeks pregnant. We left on reasonably good terms, with him saying he wanted to be there for me and the child.

One of the issues was that he missed his ex, even though he left her because she was controlling and jealous. This came out over time and shortly before he went back he admitted he was going to see if they could work things out. I was really worried about this as I knew she'd been jealous of me when she found out we were together and I couldn't see how she would be fine with me being pregnant and him staying in contact, however he reassured me by saying that he would only get back with her if she agreed to be less controlling/jealous and also was fine with him being in contact with me.

However, since he has gone back, he has reached out a few times but his messages have been unlike him, kind of unfriendly and he was funny about how we were in contact, and it gave me the distinct impression that things have gone right back to where they were before. I asked him about it and he said she has taken him back, is fine about the pregnancy but really doesn't like me still. I feel so unsettled and uncomfortable being in contact with him about the pregnancy (when I already feel somewhat abandoned and vulnerable) when I feel like I've got this jealous person who doesn't like me looming over our communications. When he asked about the scan I insisted on a video call simply so I knew who I was talking to.

While I'm upset about the break-up and how everything unravelled, I don't want to exclude him from the pregnancy or his child's life, given that he's shown enthusiasm to be part of it, even at a distance, but I feel so anxious and stressed out every time we speak because it never seems on my terms, and maybe not even on his.

If it's making me feel this stressed out can I cut him out/reduce communication to a minimum? Or do I need to remind him that he should try and manage the situation better if he wants to follow through on his promises? I thought about being patient and maybe things will settle down but he thought this when they were together last time, but it actually got worse.

First off, do you have anything more than his word or the rumour mill, as to his exs nature?
How do you know he isn't just bullshittung about her being controlling?

Secondly, I would absolutely distance myself and the baby from him as much as possible. Because either way, he is unnecessary drama. There's no reason you need to be 'friends' with him.

Ps: I wouldn't be surprised if he never broke up with her whilst seeing you. Or if she actually has no idea you or the baby exist. Becayse it sounds like the shit he is saying is just to keep you from talking to her.

And pps: he probably tells her that you are a psycho stalker who won't leave him alone.

How do you know he isn't just bullshittung about her being controlling?

Yup. MyCrazyExTM.

He's likely telling his g/f how crazy YOU are OP.

His g/f is not your child's parent, & you need to forget about her.
If your ex doesn't want to be present in your child's life, he won't be, & whether he uses his g/f as his excuse or not doesn't make any material difference to that.

You'd be best off expecting nothing from him & avoiding all the drama. Why keep yourself on tenterhooks, worrying about his g/f? She's nothing to do with you, & only he can decide if he is going to act like a parent or not.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, & be prepared to go it completely alone - less disappointing for you than hoping & worrying.

If he lives on another country, how much contact will be realistically be having with the baby?

I would make sure I know all of the laws before I let him take the child home, some countries won't send them back if he chooses to keep the child.

So he was in a relationship with her when he got you pregnant and you are calling her jealous and controlling?
Back off and let him reestablish trust with her.
You are not in a relationship with him.

Sorry, if it wasn't clear, but that was absolutely not the case. He was in a relationship with me when I got pregnant, living in the UK with me. She was his ex during our relationship but now he's got back with her.

I think you're not going to have the relationship that you hoped.

How much pregnancy updates does he need ? EDD and health of baby after scan is surely enough? Men don't have pregnancies so you can't really include them unless it's practical stuff like building nursery furniture or brainstorming names. If you've had the 20 week scan then the next contact can be a message when you go into labor or after the birth to let him know that all went well and the baby is healthy.

I agree with the others that there is a high likelihood that his gf has been told the same info that he told you about her. I would not be surprised if he's told her that you are controlling and jealous hence the contact. It also would not surprise me if she doesn't know about the baby. It's not hard to keep it secret if he only sees the baby when visiting your country. Are you sure that he broke up with her when he was seeing you? If not , you're the OW.

I would lower your expectations of him. He is clearly the kind of guy who tells his women what he thinks that they want to hear. As he wanted to be with his ex then he was going to do it the easy way and beg forgiveness rather than establish boundaries. You are a long way away so he thinks that you'll be easy to manage.

Yes not that much contact, but he wants to come back here to visit his child. He won't be on the birth certificate and the child will have my name so he'll have no legal rights to remove the child from the UK. Also I'm not planning in taking the child over there.

It sounds like you were the OW and I’m afraid I think the writing is on the wall with regards to his lack of involvement with his potential future child.

It sounds like you still have time for a termination if that’s an option you’d consider. I’d be thinking very carefully about proceeding with a pregnancy with such complicated circumstances.

If this were true it'd have to be a very elaborate web of lies - I spent Christmas and new year with his family in his country and his ex was referenced as his ex, so unless he was keeping it from his whole immediate and extended family, this seems highly unlikely. She would have been in on it as well as she did know about me and even messaged me once, referring to him as my partner.

His mum mentioned to me that the ex knows about the baby, so again unless they are all in on it or he's lying to everyone, this seems a bt of a stretch.

Also his mum mentioned that it was true that his ex is controlling - his mum is upset he moved back with her since she was expecting him back to visit her whe he returned from the UK but he didn't.

Like previous posters, I think the truth is that his ex was his actual GF throughout the whole time he was with you and you were the OW. You falling pregnant freaked him out so he's gone back to his home country and 'ex'.
I think the best thing is to cut your loses with this man, focus on you and your baby and use better contraception in your next relationship.

It’s not your job to keep in contact with him and I never believe it when men say she was possessive/crazy/jealous without some evidence.

I would consider myself a solo parent. If he decides to step up then manage the arrangement then but you owe him diddly squat.

I think you posted about your ex and his ex before? You need to remove yourself from this Toxic Triangle. Stop persuing this guy.
As others have said you only have his story of what his ex is like. It could all be a fantasy to keep you forever on the backfoot and allow him to not commit.
Now your ex issupposedly back with his ex and in another country maybe he wants to pull back on the relationship with you to build his "new" life, he no longer needs your home as a base to get settled in the UK etc.
I'd just look to myself now and if you want to respond to his messages but don't seek him out. It's up to him to stay in touch. Make a fresh start for yourself and your baby stop chasing this toxic guy, hoping for a committed, loving relationship.

I think he sounds horrible. So he had a "jealous, controlling ex" who he broke up with then he gets with you, gets you pregnant, frigs off to another country to be with 'jealous, controlling ex' and leaves you at the early stages of pregnancy?! Gosh I think he sounds like a complete knob (no offence)

I don't want a termination, but thanks. It's not an ideal scenario but I do have a lot of support, if not from him.

My question is to do with my contact with him so would like some helpful responses around this. He has been reaching out to me and asking for details about the baby and the scan etc so I'm not complaining about his lack of contact but more the nature of it.

Perhaps he’s using you for citizenship? The right to family life etc. Getting you to register him as the father would give him a good chance.

Can you support the baby by yourself. If so, I'd be inclined to tell him it wasn't his. Cut the drama out of your life and start fresh. He isn't bothered about the child. If he was, he would have looked to stay in the country. He couldn't get away fast enough.

Can I put to bed the speculation that they never broke up. I've seen enough and had enough contact with his friends and family to know that, unless they planned it together and it was a very very elaborate lie, they definitely broke up when he said they did. And I know she knew we were together from her herself.
Please could we stick to the question in hand which is whether it's acceptable to tell him I don't want communication now as I don't feel comfortable with it or whether or not I should allow him to have updates and comms whenever he reaches out since he's the father?

I genuinely don't understand why you are so focused on your ex's partner.

He lives abroad - he's hardly going to be Father Of The Year anyway, is he?
So why are you even thinking about his partner?
Whether he's happily married or single, he's just not going to be around much as a dad, so his partner makes no odds to whatever commitment he may or may not make to your child.

In the UK you can't be on the birth certificate unless you're physically there - and he knew that before he left. He just really didn't like it here and things were strained between us in the end.

Of course the level of communication is up to you.
The twat left you, pregnant, to return his ex in another country.
After that treatment, why would you come over all Miss Manners about etiquette?

You don't have to have any further comms with him bar the barest courtesy text when the baby arrives.

I'd be concerned that I'd have to explain to the child why they have no relationship with their father. If it's the case that the father moves to another country and loses interest that might be easier than having to tell them that you didn't like the involvement of his partner so you stopped communication.

Yes I can support myself.

I think my ex is immature and I think he hasn't managed things well at all. I think he shoulld have waited longer for the homesickness to pass, but he is bothered about the child - he was very torn about leaving as he really loves children and has always wanted his own. He was very happy about the pregnancy and when we went to visit my brother and his kids he cried afterwards because he was upset he would be so far away from his child.

He is your ex.
Fiorget him til o baby is born
Then inform him and ball is in his court to visit child or not
Try to get child maintensnce ftom him but if he out of uk ?