My ex's very jealous partner

[Bunny44]

I fear that my ex's partner is going to get in the way of him having a relationship with his child and also me(as friends) during the pregnancy. We were only together for 6 months when I found out I was pregnant and had been doing long distance before then, but things then didn't work out between us and he went back to his home country a few weeks ago when I was 11 weeks pregnant. We left on reasonably good terms, with him saying he wanted to be there for me and the child.

One of the issues was that he missed his ex, even though he left her because she was controlling and jealous. This came out over time and shortly before he went back he admitted he was going to see if they could work things out. I was really worried about this as I knew she'd been jealous of me when she found out we were together and I couldn't see how she would be fine with me being pregnant and him staying in contact, however he reassured me by saying that he would only get back with her if she agreed to be less controlling/jealous and also was fine with him being in contact with me.

However, since he has gone back, he has reached out a few times but his messages have been unlike him, kind of unfriendly and he was funny about how we were in contact, and it gave me the distinct impression that things have gone right back to where they were before. I asked him about it and he said she has taken him back, is fine about the pregnancy but really doesn't like me still. I feel so unsettled and uncomfortable being in contact with him about the pregnancy (when I already feel somewhat abandoned and vulnerable) when I feel like I've got this jealous person who doesn't like me looming over our communications. When he asked about the scan I insisted on a video call simply so I knew who I was talking to.

While I'm upset about the break-up and how everything unravelled, I don't want to exclude him from the pregnancy or his child's life, given that he's shown enthusiasm to be part of it, even at a distance, but I feel so anxious and stressed out every time we speak because it never seems on my terms, and maybe not even on his.

If it's making me feel this stressed out can I cut him out/reduce communication to a minimum? Or do I need to remind him that he should try and manage the situation better if he wants to follow through on his promises? I thought about being patient and maybe things will settle down but he thought this when they were together last time, but it actually got worse.

I thought my OP was long enough without including every single detail! It is absolutely for real. I posted as much information I thought was relevant to answer my question which was how to manage communication with my ex about our baby, when he has a partner who doesn't like me and gets very jealous.

Maybe some people wouldn't be bothered, but I am, potentially moreso because I'm very hormonal and stressed out about the situation. The issue is that he said he wants to be involved at a distance, but she seems to be monitoring his messages and even maybe writing to me (I don't want to get into details about why I think this because it involved discussing latin american grammar). This really disturbed me as I know she really doesn't like me, I know she used to do this in the past, and I feel quite anxious and vulnerable anyway, and don't like the idea I might be speaking to someone else, hence my questions in the OP about how to handle comms going forward.

The issue isn't his lack of communication, it's that I don't like her involvement in his communication with me.

i would be annoyed that he has left the country while you are pregnant. I would slow contact down personally. He isn’t going to be a hands on father is he? Do you need his involvement financially?

OP, this woman is really not your problem or your enemy.

Your ex is not a decent person. I’d reduce the stress and give him sporadic pregnancy updates only.

I can understand you being hormonal and perhaps this is making things worse but only in your mind. As you said they don't earn much and are unlikely to visit. Even if she is controlling his contact with you it hardly matters. Just forget them.

@Bunny44

I feel generally down at the moment, but it's hard as we were together 24/7 for 3 months and, even if things weren't always easy, suddenly I'm on my own most of the time.

You need to remember that in your life, that 3 months is just a fleeting moment in time. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you've lived years without him before, and you will live decades without him from now on. And your life will be full and rich and full of surprises. So don't dwell on that blip, dwell on the wonders to come.

I mentioned this earlier in the post - he offered but even if it did turn up, due to low salaries over there, it would be pretty pitiful. I think I'd feel bad accepting it, even despite everything!

No. Any maintenance he wants to send, you accept. Because it is for his child, not for you. It may be peanuts to you, but it may mean quite a lot to your child at some point that his/her father did care enough to send something. Put it in a savings account if you don't need it. And who knows what the future may bring for him, financially. At some point he may be able to make meaningful contributions. Or not. But don't close that door.

I believe he is triangulating this other girl and you. Just get on without him, and congratulations on your pregnancy. I am sure once you have baby here, this dude will be conspicous by his absence in every sense. No esperes nada y no te llevarás más decepciones. Felicidades por el futuro bebé.

Si tiene razon. Muchas gracias!

This sounds like a visa scam to me, honestly.

I'm sorry you're in this tough situation. On a practical level, not a whole lot happens during pregnancy that is really worth reporting. Yes, there are two scans and yes, maybe a bit more intensive antenatal care towards the last few weeks, but there isn't much to update on. I would let him know that you will be in touch with scan photos, give approximate dates, and also around 35 weeks or whatever to discuss what the plan will be for the birth.

I know it's not the same, but I let close family know what my plans were for being in touch with them when I went into labour. Like I didn't want everyone knowing or loads of people messaging me or asking for updates. So I told them, I'd let them know once when I was in labour that it had started and I'd let them know when baby had arrived and send some photos. Last thing you need is this guy and his ex causing drama when you are trying to give birth. So I'd set very firm expectations for how things will work. Let him know you would be open to him visiting when baby is however old and tell him he has time to plan for that now (visas, costs, etc.). Register the baby in your name only with the names you have chosen.

Beyond that, I expect its time to manage expectations for what the future will look like. If he never plans to move back to the UK, the chances of him having much of a relationship at all with his child are pretty slim. And that's honestly probably for the best. Growing up with no dad is probably easier on a child in many ways than growing up with one who makes contact occasionally, almost never in person, and who makes a child feel like they weren't worth sticking around for (which is essentially the truth, he put his own needs above his child, that's likely going to be a pattern that repeats itself). Sounds like you do have the life experience and cultural resources to be able to still teach your dc about that side of themselves, speak some Spanish at home, learn about Colombian culture, etc. And surround yourself with your support network here.

In what way? He doesn't even want to be in the UK

I would move ahead without him having any involvement. In the future it will be very difficult for him to maintain a relationship if has little money for regular flights ect.

How are you doing now @Bunny44 did everything go okay with baby and birth?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5059115-ex-getting-married-our-baby-is-7-months?page=1

Yes as above! He's getting married today/ probably around now