My ex's very jealous partner

[Bunny44]

I fear that my ex's partner is going to get in the way of him having a relationship with his child and also me(as friends) during the pregnancy. We were only together for 6 months when I found out I was pregnant and had been doing long distance before then, but things then didn't work out between us and he went back to his home country a few weeks ago when I was 11 weeks pregnant. We left on reasonably good terms, with him saying he wanted to be there for me and the child.

One of the issues was that he missed his ex, even though he left her because she was controlling and jealous. This came out over time and shortly before he went back he admitted he was going to see if they could work things out. I was really worried about this as I knew she'd been jealous of me when she found out we were together and I couldn't see how she would be fine with me being pregnant and him staying in contact, however he reassured me by saying that he would only get back with her if she agreed to be less controlling/jealous and also was fine with him being in contact with me.

However, since he has gone back, he has reached out a few times but his messages have been unlike him, kind of unfriendly and he was funny about how we were in contact, and it gave me the distinct impression that things have gone right back to where they were before. I asked him about it and he said she has taken him back, is fine about the pregnancy but really doesn't like me still. I feel so unsettled and uncomfortable being in contact with him about the pregnancy (when I already feel somewhat abandoned and vulnerable) when I feel like I've got this jealous person who doesn't like me looming over our communications. When he asked about the scan I insisted on a video call simply so I knew who I was talking to.

While I'm upset about the break-up and how everything unravelled, I don't want to exclude him from the pregnancy or his child's life, given that he's shown enthusiasm to be part of it, even at a distance, but I feel so anxious and stressed out every time we speak because it never seems on my terms, and maybe not even on his.

If it's making me feel this stressed out can I cut him out/reduce communication to a minimum? Or do I need to remind him that he should try and manage the situation better if he wants to follow through on his promises? I thought about being patient and maybe things will settle down but he thought this when they were together last time, but it actually got worse.

That's exactly what I'm concerned about. But would it be ok to stop communication with him for now as the baby isn't already here - or do you think that is a greater risk to communication collapsing all together if I do that? I don't want my child to be upset if they have no communication in the future and I feel like I did something to cause that. His family have also been in contact with me so I could stay in contact with them, but maybe just not with him?

Not worth it - I have a well paid job and salaries are pitiful over there. He said about sending money and I didn't say no but what he could afford is probably a lot to him and little to me.

Honestly I think if you stop contact until baby is born, it might never start up again!

Could you let him know that you're stressed out by the communication so will commit to updates once a month perhaps? A 12 week & 20 week scan photo, confirmation of when child is born, and then monthly updates from there? If he wants to visit he's welcome as long as he arranges separate accommodation and gives you notice?

Leave communications open op for your child.
He's not going to be an active father is he?
But your child may well like to meet him when they are older.
Let them decide.

I'm 35 and we discussed having children in advance - this was planned. He wasn't freaked out by it either. When he got here he was freaked out by trying to learn English, English food, English weather and generally trying to adapt to another culture though.

'She would have been in on it as well as she did know about me and even messaged me once, referring to him as my partner.'

Really? She had/has your mobile phone number? How odd.

You are doing exactly the right thing by giving the child your name and not having the father on the birth certificate.

If they are abroad, just get on with your life and forget them. If he wants contact with the child, then let him do the running and don't allow him to take the child to his country.

But most of all, stop obsessing about his ex.

@Bunny44

I'm 35 and we discussed having children in advance - this was planned. He wasn't freaked out by it either. When he got here he was freaked out by trying to learn English, English food, English weather and generally trying to adapt to another culture though.

Even with your update, something sounds a bit off with this guy. I'm not sure why he would've thought it a good idea to try for a child so early in a relationship (you say you were together for 6 months) coupled with struggling to adapt to life in a new country.
You sound too good for him tbh. I wish you all the best with your pregnancy and I'd try to accept that sadly you're going to be doing this without him.

Yes that might be a good idea - or is it acceptable to go through his mum and sister who I have a good relationship with?

I don't think he'd just turn up as he needs a visa to visit which involves me writing a letter of invitation.

Which country is he in?

I would send an update every three months and then let him know after I had registered the birth. I would also respond to any enquires from his side, but I wouldn't do all the running. They should be chasing you for info, not the other way around!

Thank you. Yes I think things were off too but I didn't realise until too late.

When the stuff about the ex came up I was livid and told him he'd led me to wasting my time, money and opportunity to have a united family. I had some suspicions earlier on and had specifically asked him about it but he denied it very convincingly.

From speaking to him mum, he'd wanted to get back with his ex for a while but she kept saying she wanted nothing to do with him. He told me recently he thought he'd just get over it eventually, but I don't think it's true she wanted nothing to do with him as then she stayed in touch. If he'd just been honest with me then it could have avoided a very complicated situation.

Having said that I'm really excited about being a mum and I have a lovely support network.

I'd be terrified he was going to take the baby home and not return them. For this reason alone I would be keeping any contact to an absolute minimum, and if he did choose to come and see them once born there be no unsupervised access. Please be careful, especially if he is from a country that doesn't share western values.

Colombia. Yes him and his family remember when I tell them key dates and reach out to me.

Just message about the baby, I'm not sure why you're so concerned about his responses- up to him what he does with that info and how he responds to it. I would suspect he won't see the child often or if at all if he lives in Colombia and he won't he registered to have any parental rights. Sounds like you need to separate out the relationship and the pregnancy, he's moved on from you relationship wise.

Yes I'm sure I'll worry about that too and I've noticed I'm on way higher alert since being pregnant. Although the reality is that he couldn't take the child anywhere without my permission or having a passport for them. His country have a good relationship with the UK and he won't be on the birth certificate and we weren't married, so he won't have parental rights in either country. That said, I don't think I trust him anyway.

Might be a good idea to take a break from them all and see what happens.

Give yourself some time to heal and shift your focus to you and your baby and the future.

You're not wrong! Members of his family haven't been impressed either - even his mum said he'd made a hash of the situation and she doesn't understand why he's done all of this.

To answer the question, there is nothing wrong with limiting communication. Just say until the baby arrives you need to focus on yourself so you’ll send updates if anything out of the ordinary happens but the current setup is stressing you out.

Thankfully, you’re not married and he chose to leave.

Think courtesy communication is fine as others have said and updating his mum and sister if you have a good relationship with them, given the situation and that you're going to be raising baby without his input you shouldn't feel obliged to do any more than you feel comfortable with.

I don't necessarily think he was still with his ex when he started up with you, but I'd bet that either they were at that awkward 'half in/half out' stage of a break up or that there wasn't much of a 'time lapse' between the breakup with her and the startup with you. Not that it matters much, really. He's made his decision. Just that if there was some lingering attachment, it does explain her jealousy/insecurity. Especially if they split because he had a 'wandering eye'.

As far as going forward, I agree that it's time to back away from him. If he wants to know about the baby, he can contact you. I'd keep communications open and send updates to his mum and sister since they seem the most interested. But I'd communicate only about the baby. I wouldn't start or respond to any remarks having to do with Ex or his current relationship.

Congratulations on your coming baby.

Hmm he sounds difficult. It's sort of you and ex being played emotionally, wants you then her. Left you pregnant, got back with ex. Feel bad for both of you. I'd hate to take a guy back who has another woman pregnant, and for you to be left pregnant and the father vanish to a different country with ex sounds nasty and it doesn't seem like he can understand the pain he is causing people.

I wouldn't initiate communication with him, if he sends you questions I'd just update matter of fact. I wouldn't entertain conversations and distance myself. I'd just purely interact over matters of your child. I'd also never bring up the Ex or have any interaction that involves her. I'd go emotionally cold I think as In my view he doesn't deserve your thought or consideration. But congratulations on baby 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

In the end, you planned a baby with someone you'd only been with for 6 months - not a smart move under any circumstances. Also, highly likely that while he was with you, he was keeping up communication with his ex and planning to go back to her, so it's no surprise he didn't give the uk or your relationship a fair go. As you have corroborating info that she was initially an ex, it looks like she became the other woman part way through your relationship, probably around a time where you stopped getting on. What was the alleged gap between her being initially his ex and him talking to you in an LDR way? Sounds like it was maybe a close one.
Why on earth come as far as the UK if he couldn't speak English already? Did you speak in Spanish with him to cultivate the LDR? It's an odd setup.
If you want to avoid him disappearing forever, and don't want to be involved with his messy GF, you could just keep up comms with his family if you are more comfortable with that. I'm sure they'd pass it on.

I would do this. Message him and say due to the current circumstances, you don't feel comfortable with contact but will stay in touch with his mum and sister with regards to the baby.
No drama, no fuss. Just concentrate on you and your little one 😊

He is your ex.
He dumped you, pregnant.
He went back to his ex because he never really thought of them as over.
She called, he jumped.
He is immature, weak, selfish - and absent.
Personally I'd say tell him you're no longer pregnant.
Wish them a nice life.
Then block them and walk away because this is only going to get worse.
She will get more and more resentful, especially if she has a child with him.
You are already a single parent and can't rely on him.
Time to start thinking in those terms.

This isn't what you're going to want to hear, but I'm going say it anyway.

he cried afterwards because he was upset he would be so far away from his child

he's manipulative. He wants his ex more than he wants his child. He could have stayed here if his child meant so much to him.

you are choosing to have the baby as a single parent. That's your choice, but don't hold out for him coming back or being any meaningful part of your child's life. He'll exoect you to video call at the times it suits him, send progress reports, photos etc etc. it might not sound too bad niw, but it'll really hamper you moving forward with your life. Then when he has a baby with the Ex, he'll drop your child.

cut contact with him. Tell him you'll let him know when the baby is here, but you don't want to hear from him until after that.

between now & then build up your resilliance & strength.

he's gone back to his Ex. That was his chouce, he doesn't get to make your choices too!

best wishes for the pregnancy & birth.

give your baby a name YOU love! It's YOYR choice x

She already has 2 children from her ex husband (who cheated on her a lot and apparently that's why she's really jealous in general) and she's had her tubes tied so can't have more children unless she has the procedure reversed - she didn't seem keen on doing that so unlikely they'll have children but could happen.

The thing is they may not work out and he may go on to have more children with someone else, and I guess so might I!

I like what you said about names- he suggested a load before he went home and some I liked but now I feel like I don't want them because he chose them and not me!