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Original poster

My ex's very jealous partner

89 replies

Bunny44 · 11/03/2023 13:55

I fear that my ex's partner is going to get in the way of him having a relationship with his child and also me(as friends) during the pregnancy. We were only together for 6 months when I found out I was pregnant and had been doing long distance before then, but things then didn't work out between us and he went back to his home country a few weeks ago when I was 11 weeks pregnant. We left on reasonably good terms, with him saying he wanted to be there for me and the child.

One of the issues was that he missed his ex, even though he left her because she was controlling and jealous. This came out over time and shortly before he went back he admitted he was going to see if they could work things out. I was really worried about this as I knew she'd been jealous of me when she found out we were together and I couldn't see how she would be fine with me being pregnant and him staying in contact, however he reassured me by saying that he would only get back with her if she agreed to be less controlling/jealous and also was fine with him being in contact with me.

However, since he has gone back, he has reached out a few times but his messages have been unlike him, kind of unfriendly and he was funny about how we were in contact, and it gave me the distinct impression that things have gone right back to where they were before. I asked him about it and he said she has taken him back, is fine about the pregnancy but really doesn't like me still. I feel so unsettled and uncomfortable being in contact with him about the pregnancy (when I already feel somewhat abandoned and vulnerable) when I feel like I've got this jealous person who doesn't like me looming over our communications. When he asked about the scan I insisted on a video call simply so I knew who I was talking to.

While I'm upset about the break-up and how everything unravelled, I don't want to exclude him from the pregnancy or his child's life, given that he's shown enthusiasm to be part of it, even at a distance, but I feel so anxious and stressed out every time we speak because it never seems on my terms, and maybe not even on his.

If it's making me feel this stressed out can I cut him out/reduce communication to a minimum? Or do I need to remind him that he should try and manage the situation better if he wants to follow through on his promises? I thought about being patient and maybe things will settle down but he thought this when they were together last time, but it actually got worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny44 · 11/03/2023 20:28

AcrossthePond55 · 11/03/2023 16:54

I don't necessarily think he was still with his ex when he started up with you, but I'd bet that either they were at that awkward 'half in/half out' stage of a break up or that there wasn't much of a 'time lapse' between the breakup with her and the startup with you. Not that it matters much, really. He's made his decision. Just that if there was some lingering attachment, it does explain her jealousy/insecurity. Especially if they split because he had a 'wandering eye'.

As far as going forward, I agree that it's time to back away from him. If he wants to know about the baby, he can contact you. I'd keep communications open and send updates to his mum and sister since they seem the most interested. But I'd communicate only about the baby. I wouldn't start or respond to any remarks having to do with Ex or his current relationship.

Congratulations on your coming baby.

Thank you. No there wasn't a long time between our relationships and I think there was always a drip feed of comms between them because they had a business together previously, so there was always an excuse to talk. He told me quite a bit about their relationship and how it developed and he wasn't always very negative about it - over time I noticed he seemed to have rose-tinted glasses about her level of jealousy and control. When I met him he said it was exhausting and he had run away from it because he had enough, but over time it was clear he missed her and thought the jealously was manageable. I definitely agree there was a moment where she knew this and started reeling him back in again, I just don't understand why he then pursued the relationship with me still if he had feelings for her. A lot was at stake with relocating for us to be together and I checked in with him a lot of times and gave him ample chance to say if something wasn't right.

The thing is he does want to know about the baby and contacts me, but then his messages are inconsistent in tone and message. I know she used to frequently confiscate his phone and check his messages and even message people on his behalf, so the inconsistency plus other things which have happened strongly suggest some of this is going on again which makes me so uncomfortable in a situation which is already really hard for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny44 · 11/03/2023 21:00

Opentooffers · 11/03/2023 18:01

In the end, you planned a baby with someone you'd only been with for 6 months - not a smart move under any circumstances. Also, highly likely that while he was with you, he was keeping up communication with his ex and planning to go back to her, so it's no surprise he didn't give the uk or your relationship a fair go. As you have corroborating info that she was initially an ex, it looks like she became the other woman part way through your relationship, probably around a time where you stopped getting on. What was the alleged gap between her being initially his ex and him talking to you in an LDR way? Sounds like it was maybe a close one.
Why on earth come as far as the UK if he couldn't speak English already? Did you speak in Spanish with him to cultivate the LDR? It's an odd setup.
If you want to avoid him disappearing forever, and don't want to be involved with his messy GF, you could just keep up comms with his family if you are more comfortable with that. I'm sure they'd pass it on.

We didn't plan to have a child straight away, just at some point, and both of us were quite unsure what our fertility levels were like, as in we were both concerned about it, so yes it did happen sooner than planned, but we had discussed having children together within the next year.

He didn't seem that he was planning to go back to Colombia when we moved to the UK as he did things like switch his bank account to his mum's name and close his mobile contract and gave away a load of his clothes as if he was planning to move long-term (as planned). He was only here for 6 weeks in the end, so that's very short considering all the hassle he went to.

I speak fluent Spanish and he was signed up to English classes here and had been learning online previously, but I live in an area with a large Latino community so langugae was an issue in some ways but lots of people manage here without much English.

I think his feelings for his ex and nostalgia for her was amplified by his home sickness and also a death of a family member, but I felt strongly he didn't give things a fair go. He gave up so easily, and I do think part of it was that he was still in contact with her and he didn't deny this.

OP posts:
jazzybelle · 12/03/2023 01:24

What exactly is it that you are so bothered about? His ex? Him? They are Columbia across the other side of the world. You are pregnant. You are not having him on the birth certificate. You are not giving the child his name. So, what exactly is the problem?

This whole saga sounds completely unbelievable.

snitzelvoncrumb · 12/03/2023 04:13

Congratulations on the pregnancy. As you will be doing this alone, unless he is giving you a ton of money you really need to think about if you want the drama in your life. He has left you alone to go through a pregnancy and have a child on your own. His partner may or may not be jealous and controlling, and he sounds like a waste of space.
change your number, and if possible your address. Got on with your life and enjoy your child. Don’t put yourself in the position that they might move down the road and make your life hell. Because he could move to the UK and take you to court over access. Take this opportunity to cut him off, maybe even lie and say you miscarried.

PinkSyCo · 12/03/2023 04:33

Bunny44 · 11/03/2023 13:55

I fear that my ex's partner is going to get in the way of him having a relationship with his child and also me(as friends) during the pregnancy. We were only together for 6 months when I found out I was pregnant and had been doing long distance before then, but things then didn't work out between us and he went back to his home country a few weeks ago when I was 11 weeks pregnant. We left on reasonably good terms, with him saying he wanted to be there for me and the child.

One of the issues was that he missed his ex, even though he left her because she was controlling and jealous. This came out over time and shortly before he went back he admitted he was going to see if they could work things out. I was really worried about this as I knew she'd been jealous of me when she found out we were together and I couldn't see how she would be fine with me being pregnant and him staying in contact, however he reassured me by saying that he would only get back with her if she agreed to be less controlling/jealous and also was fine with him being in contact with me.

However, since he has gone back, he has reached out a few times but his messages have been unlike him, kind of unfriendly and he was funny about how we were in contact, and it gave me the distinct impression that things have gone right back to where they were before. I asked him about it and he said she has taken him back, is fine about the pregnancy but really doesn't like me still. I feel so unsettled and uncomfortable being in contact with him about the pregnancy (when I already feel somewhat abandoned and vulnerable) when I feel like I've got this jealous person who doesn't like me looming over our communications. When he asked about the scan I insisted on a video call simply so I knew who I was talking to.

While I'm upset about the break-up and how everything unravelled, I don't want to exclude him from the pregnancy or his child's life, given that he's shown enthusiasm to be part of it, even at a distance, but I feel so anxious and stressed out every time we speak because it never seems on my terms, and maybe not even on his.

If it's making me feel this stressed out can I cut him out/reduce communication to a minimum? Or do I need to remind him that he should try and manage the situation better if he wants to follow through on his promises? I thought about being patient and maybe things will settle down but he thought this when they were together last time, but it actually got worse.

Why are you blaming anything on this bloke’s partner? It sounds likes you hardly know the bloke who impregnated you, and the chances are that his ‘jealous’ girlfriend is insecure for good reason. He sounds like an immature idiot and if you are determined to carry on with this pregnancy alone I wouldn’t be wasting my time running after him if I were you.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 12/03/2023 06:40

snitzelvoncrumb · 12/03/2023 04:13

Congratulations on the pregnancy. As you will be doing this alone, unless he is giving you a ton of money you really need to think about if you want the drama in your life. He has left you alone to go through a pregnancy and have a child on your own. His partner may or may not be jealous and controlling, and he sounds like a waste of space.
change your number, and if possible your address. Got on with your life and enjoy your child. Don’t put yourself in the position that they might move down the road and make your life hell. Because he could move to the UK and take you to court over access. Take this opportunity to cut him off, maybe even lie and say you miscarried.

He hated living in the UK and they have very little money and so the chances of having the desire or means to move here are very low.

OP posts:
Autienotnautie · 12/03/2023 06:49

Hope you are ok op, not read the whole thread but based on what you said I would agree a set amount of contact to update -say monthly. Send pics of scans too. Obviously notify him when the baby is born and send pics. Then maybe back to the monthly update? It seems he isn't going to be a support so it's better not to view him as that, then any support you get is a bonus.

WinterMusings · 12/03/2023 07:02

@Bunny44

yeah, don't tie yourself emotionally to him, choose a name YOU love, not one he would have wanted IF he had stuck around.

6 weeks, & he's gone back to his EX, you owe him nothing! Absolutely nothing. Move forward with your life!🌷

Puppers · 12/03/2023 07:12

Well the pair of you have behaved spectacularly recklessly and now there's a baby on the way who will have to live with the consequences for the rest of their lives. All you can do now is start to center the child in your decision making and work on some damage limitation.

This is not a man who is interested in being a father. At least not to this baby. If he was, he'd still be in the UK. As it is, he stuck around for a few weeks and felt more of a pull towards his ex girlfriend then he did his own child. I'm sure he did cry and put on a great show. Ultimately his actions are very clear. He's not here and is not sustaining contact with you in a way that is conducive to a healthy co-parenting relationship. If it's actually possible to "co-parent" a child who lives in the UK from Colombia. You're not even convinced it's him sending all the messages!

Your child deserves honesty as they grow up. They deserve to know the true nature of their relationship with their father and what kind of parent he is. He needs to be the driving force in his relationship with his child, not you. You seem to be worried that he'll slip away completely if you don't handle things just right. If that's the case, let him. Don't be the one to instigate the contact. Let him come to you and then share whatever is appropriate. If it's something sensitive, insist on a video call so you know it's him. But don't chase him to be involved and encourage your child to grow up thinking that he's more emotionally invested than he is. I imagine that he will probably gradually contact you less and less and eventually you will stop hearing from him altogether.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 12/03/2023 07:17

He is the king of shit choices, huh?

He’s never going to be a figure in your baby’s life, let alone a consistent one. Plus he has chosen to flee to go back to this malevolent presence in Colombia. I really think you need to stop contact now: the pregnancy is none of his concern, he’s a 13 hour flight away, he is apparently controlled by this woman, and he can’t offer you emotional, financial, or practical support, so what’s the point?

Protect your baby from a random stranger who might sporadically appear in their life. Explain more when they’re older.

How pregnant are you now?

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 12/03/2023 07:21

I'm so confused!

You were together for 6 months, but he was only here for 6 weeks before he left to go back home? And you were 11 weeks pregnant when he left?

pinkfondu · 12/03/2023 07:27

He was only here for 6 weeks before he gave up and went home?

The reality of him living so far away plus his choice of partner means you really should expect his contact to dwindle.

You need to set your expectations now.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 12/03/2023 08:58

congraulations on your pregnancy, & be prepared to go it completely alone - less disappointing for you than hoping & worrying

this
expect NOTHING and be prepared for jack shit from this fellow

that’s the only way you can survive this I think

He will only disappoint

Original poster
Bunny44 · 12/03/2023 09:16

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 12/03/2023 07:21

I'm so confused!

You were together for 6 months, but he was only here for 6 weeks before he left to go back home? And you were 11 weeks pregnant when he left?

We were both in Colombia before and then he travelled back with me to the UK.

First few months of our relationship were long distance but I went over there several times.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 12/03/2023 09:34

Bunny44 · 11/03/2023 14:56

Can I put to bed the speculation that they never broke up. I've seen enough and had enough contact with his friends and family to know that, unless they planned it together and it was a very very elaborate lie, they definitely broke up when he said they did. And I know she knew we were together from her herself.
Please could we stick to the question in hand which is whether it's acceptable to tell him I don't want communication now as I don't feel comfortable with it or whether or not I should allow him to have updates and comms whenever he reaches out since he's the father?

It’s relevant and you refuse to see the problem with him. It goes right to the heart of his character and why that is not healthy for you and the child when borne.

He split from her and remained in close contact. Despite her being jealous and controlling he tells her about you and one or both if you shared your contact details with her. This makes no sense and implies he had feelings for her and that he deliberately embroiled her into your lives. He had no reason to do this and controlling people are like that as friends or lovers. His boundaries are off or he likes to create dramatic and hurtful situations for the people around him.

Now you are the ex he is embroiled with whilst in another relationship. The breakups in both your relationships are meaningless because doesn’t let go. You are in his web along with her. And eventually your child will be.

He doesn’t need to be involved with you. You can update on the baby without direct contact and he can visit.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 12/03/2023 09:39

@LemonTT he didn't tell her about me or put her in contact. She told him she figured out we were together from social media and contacted me there once.

He did definitely have feelings for her though. At first he denied it but then admitted it once we I said I felt like I deserved the truth of what was going on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny44 · 12/03/2023 09:47

pinkfondu · 12/03/2023 07:27

He was only here for 6 weeks before he gave up and went home?

The reality of him living so far away plus his choice of partner means you really should expect his contact to dwindle.

You need to set your expectations now.

My expectations were always really low but the issue is that he has been in contact but it makes me feel uncomfortable due to the situation with his now partner. I'm leaning strongly to moving updates about the baby through his mum until I feel better about everything.

It's been really a really tough last few months and I suspect hormones and things like that haven't helped.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 12/03/2023 13:58

You dont have to give any update until baby is born.
So just cut contact til then

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 12/03/2023 15:00

I’d stop giving him any updates at all. He’s not going to act like a father, so don’t try to include him as one. Save the bother and heartache.

jazzybelle · 12/03/2023 15:13

PinkSyCo · 12/03/2023 04:33

Why are you blaming anything on this bloke’s partner? It sounds likes you hardly know the bloke who impregnated you, and the chances are that his ‘jealous’ girlfriend is insecure for good reason. He sounds like an immature idiot and if you are determined to carry on with this pregnancy alone I wouldn’t be wasting my time running after him if I were you.

Show quote history

I couldn't agree more. If this is for real, what exactly is the issue?! It's also been nothing but a big drip feed.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/03/2023 16:42

@Bunny44

Reading your posts it seems pretty obvious you were a 'rebound' (sorry). He never stopped loving her (sorry again) and you happened to be there at the 'wrong time, wrong place' and he used you to 'get over' her, it didn't work so he went back to her. I'm not saying he set out to use you intentionally, I'm saying that he thought he wanted something different, turns out he didn't. It's not her fault, it's his. And the fact that he went back to her does not reflect 'badly' on you, or on her. If anything, it reflects badly on him. And how he chooses to involve himself with the baby reflects on him, too. Don't blame her, no matter how 'unreasonable' you think she may be. I know that if DH and I had split up, wild horses nor wild woman could have dragged DH out of our children's lives. If she 'shapes' his relationship with your child, that's on him, not her.

At this point I think you need to stop contact with him to 'get him out of your head', allow yourself to heal, and to figure out how you want this next phase of your life to be lived. Gather your support system round you and 'breathe'. You're beginning life's greatest adventure (motherhood) as a solo journey and you need peace and support right now.

Nanny0gg · 12/03/2023 17:46

Bunny44 · 11/03/2023 15:05

Yes I can support myself.

I think my ex is immature and I think he hasn't managed things well at all. I think he shoulld have waited longer for the homesickness to pass, but he is bothered about the child - he was very torn about leaving as he really loves children and has always wanted his own. He was very happy about the pregnancy and when we went to visit my brother and his kids he cried afterwards because he was upset he would be so far away from his child.

Show quote history

Will there be any financial support forthcoming?

Original poster
Bunny44 · 12/03/2023 21:13

AcrossthePond55 · 12/03/2023 16:42

@Bunny44

Reading your posts it seems pretty obvious you were a 'rebound' (sorry). He never stopped loving her (sorry again) and you happened to be there at the 'wrong time, wrong place' and he used you to 'get over' her, it didn't work so he went back to her. I'm not saying he set out to use you intentionally, I'm saying that he thought he wanted something different, turns out he didn't. It's not her fault, it's his. And the fact that he went back to her does not reflect 'badly' on you, or on her. If anything, it reflects badly on him. And how he chooses to involve himself with the baby reflects on him, too. Don't blame her, no matter how 'unreasonable' you think she may be. I know that if DH and I had split up, wild horses nor wild woman could have dragged DH out of our children's lives. If she 'shapes' his relationship with your child, that's on him, not her.

At this point I think you need to stop contact with him to 'get him out of your head', allow yourself to heal, and to figure out how you want this next phase of your life to be lived. Gather your support system round you and 'breathe'. You're beginning life's greatest adventure (motherhood) as a solo journey and you need peace and support right now.

Yes I think that's likely true too. I think he liked the idea of me without undertstanding or anticipating the cultural differences. He was very unhappy with her before and literally ran away from their relationship leaving her devestated, but I think he was more unhappy being with me for different reasons, and that wasn't one-sided. From what I know now, he wanted her back before I even came out at Christmas, but it wasn't mutual on her side, and he basically thought he'd might as well give things a go with me (lucky me!) I sensed something was up around then and said to him things didn't feel right and I wasn't sure if I should come out, but he insisted he wanted me to come still. Obviously I only know from what I've heard from him and other people and what I've seen (as I did see some messages between them) and I'm sure there are things missing.

I'm not wanting him back, even if I was disappointed he gave up too quickly and went, but he did paint the idea that he would be there for us, when it's clear he probably won't be. To be honest I feel upset about that mostly for my baby, but my child will have lots of other people to love them in their life apart from just me.

I feel generally down at the moment, but it's hard as we were together 24/7 for 3 months and, even if things weren't always easy, suddenly I'm on my own most of the time. I feel disappointed and betrayed that he kept so much from me after all I did for him. I probably will never know the true extent of how deep that betrayal went.

Some of you guys are giving me a hard time and talking to me as as if I was in the wrong and I should have known better, but these things do happen even in long-term and seemingly happy marriages, as we all know. I only knew as much as he chose to share with me and as far as he told me, he loved me and wanted to marry me and have children with me, until he didn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny44 · 12/03/2023 21:15

Nanny0gg · 12/03/2023 17:46

Will there be any financial support forthcoming?

Show quote history

I mentioned this earlier in the post - he offered but even if it did turn up, due to low salaries over there, it would be pretty pitiful. I think I'd feel bad accepting it, even despite everything!

OP posts:
Fmlgirl · 12/03/2023 21:29

Is this the Latin-American dude that’s been posted about before?

He honestly never sounded like he would be a very involved father and the geographical distance is also huge. I think you should let go of the notion that he’s going to be a good father and focus on your baby. I think that he said he wanted a family with you in the first place was very misleading and wrong.

I’d say don’t hope for anything from this guy but leave the door open to contact his child.