Ideas of a weekly things to do/join with DH to invest time into our marriage.

[motherofkevinnotperry]

Help. I need to begin and invest time and effort into bringing DH and I back together. We've been together for decades. Kids growing up and we can leave them a bit more together in the house.

DH and I have ignored our marriage and to put it bluntly everyone else's grass is greener, ours is brown. I've been distracted by others (don't nothing) and it highlighted the huge gaps in our marriage and the need for us to reconnect.

I would like to have a weekly event that we go to. Maybe meet others, enjoy each other and become a happier more invested couple.

This is make or break time. If this doesn't work I cannot stay in the marriage as I'm miserable and very lonely. DH is willing to try.

No dancing, DH would never do it. No idea where else to start.

Yes DH is very aware. As a child of a serial adulterer I fully recognise the danger of looking elsewhere and the family fall out it causes. To be honest having an affair is probably the fast quick fix for me but I won't do it because there is no going back from it and it's pure selfish escapism that damaged people. I had to spend yesterday with the person distracting me (totally plutonic, he has no idea. It's purely one sided) and I used it to learn what it was about how he makes me feel and how he does it to be sure I learn. I hated coming home and I got a real slump in my stomach, I could have just cried (stupid I know but nobody deals with problems by escaping them). I owe my husband more.

We've been trying to get things back for a while now. I nearly left last summer. I was looking at rentals in January. He knows all this but he tries for a few weeks then goes back to no investment in us and all his time is spent doing his hobbies on his own which is how he likes it. I get so frustrated I want to scream at him because I don't feel listened to. Even my DC have told him hes not mentally taking part in family life. They have not been primed by me, it's come directly from them.

I'm lonely in my marriage which is why I want to socialise with others because that's the only way I get social interaction and Dh is great when we're with others. He puts his arm around me and I feel like we're a unit for that short time. It could very well be peri menopause related but it's also behaviour related and neither DH or I are innocent in this. I do feel I'm putting all the effort in and I have told him this, he hasn't disagreed but just says he's happy and loves me. He seems to think this is enough.

He organises nothing and again this is an issue even to the point that my family are trying to arrange things via him for Easter and mother's day to encourage his involvement.

I have added boxsets and films of my choice to his streaming lists so we have an equal list (it was always just pick from his list, he'd never agree to any of mine. If he did he'd not watch it with me but disappear within an hour).

I don't live in a populated busy area so events aren't frequent. I've looked at courses and they're all subscribed up to November. I've put our name down for a ceramics course in November (he loves great pottery throw down). I've told him I want to go and see an art exhibition near us when shall we go. I'm waiting.

The reason this is "last chance saloon" as someone put it is I've tried and tried I don't want to not be with him. I do love him but I cannot live the next 30+ years being in a lonely marriage, with little fun, little intimacy and literally flogging away trying to keep it going. It's not fair on any of us BUT we've not quite reached the end yet and I do still think there is hope. We are still friends and we do have children together. I don't want to be another woman who leaves their husband and regrets it. I need to be absolutely sure I gave it everything!

You sound so much more invested in your marriage than your husband is, even though you're 'the unhappy one'. Have you thought about having an open marriage? He's not meeting all your needs and doesn't seem to want to rectify this.

Would he go to couples counselling? That’s a weekly activity…

Serious Q, tho. It sounds like you need it.

@motherofkevinnotperry what made you stay?

Another vote for board games - you can find themed ones e.g. history, that you both may enjoy. Or card games. A good way to chat while doing something else. Maybe have a games night every week where you get some snacks, drinks, and you spend a couple of hours playing. Rumikub is also good fun for two people.

From what you’ve said it seems like you’re making all the effort and really trying to reconnect but your husband just can’t be arsed. It’s a one way street.
He has a nice easy home life with his wife and kids, doing exactly what he want to do when he wants to do it. How awful that his own children feel the same way you do about getting involved in family life. That’s very sad.
I wouldn’t be happy living like this for the rest of my life and would seriously looking into leaving.

We do pub quiz night and we recently went to a woodwork evening class which we combined with a meal out most weeks but I see that your DH hates DIY. I did hope DH would be more enthused about helping me with the DIY afterwards but he's been too busy with work and his own hobbies so that was nice at the time but a bit disappointing. I'm feeling a lack of fun in the house, our last, most fun child has just left home and it's a bit quiet, DH very good at entertaining himself so I seem to end up stuck on my phone or watching telly too much
We did go to the gym together for a while but that petered out after I had an injury that needed rested.
It's not easy!

@motherofkevinnotperry I've just read your longer post, I can relate so much.
I feel like I've been waiting around for years for DH to have gaps in his work schedule but they never materialise and he's now turned his hobby into a second business.
If he does try to watch TV with me he falls asleep if it's not something he's really into.

So basically your DH doesn’t mind doing things and spending time with other people but it’s not with you ? It’s not like he has no spare time, it’s more like you are going separate ways during the week crossing paths occasionally and he doesn’t bother much how often this happens. Have I understood correctly if you don’t mind me asking.

I stayed because we went on holiday. Got on really well and I could see a future together. It didn't last long because I had a health scare and had to focus on my health, started to get fitter etc and although he wasn't keen I was quite clear with him that I needed the time to address my health otherwise everyone would suffer in the future as I would be unwell and be more dependent.

I also planned parties for Christmas and focused on me feeling better about myself to give me a confidence boost. I learned to put up with it got on with work etc and focused on fitting in daily exercise.

I realised last night that part of the reason for our current situation is I'm actually frightened of how DH will take anything I say to him. He is on the spectrum so can be disconnected and at times erratic in his responses. Any criticism of him and it can either devastate him or make him really angry. The last time he had an argument with me (3+, years ago) I had to tell him to leave because he started shouting at me in front of the DC and I simply won't have that. I told him if he ever does that again he's out and I stand by that. What I haven't recognised is that I've probably allowed things to get this far for fear of his reaction again.

He's hard work but when we're together and it's good we're really good. It's just very infrequent and becoming harder work.

The other man was open to discussing things, he could laugh at himself and me. Banter back with me and we just got on so extremely well as people. There was a real mutual same level social connection he was good fun, compassionate but also openly told me when he disagreed and he could explain why. All this made him really attractive to me and it's all this that my DH no longer does unless we're in public, with others and it has to be on his terms. This is why I'm lonely because I've lost me partner in life in DH because he's not present in our marriage but there are times he is.

This is not correct. He'd rather be on his own and finds some social situations difficult. He doesn't recognise emotional needs as clearly as some. He becomes lost in his hobbies and neglects family life. He doesn't do any of this intentionally but he does do it repeatedly. He is not easily adaptable.

I am very emotional and passionate. I love people, I'm outgoing and find I take anyone into the fold so to speak. I want everyone to feel included and comfortable and I like trying new things, meeting new people. I also like my own private time and peaceful space. I like to feel part of a team and I'd love to be with someone who had an opinion on things, who could help me make decisions or just recognise that I needed a hug without having to ask.

DH is a nice man, he can be really very funny, everyone loves him. He's good fun when we're out with others and he can be romantic and generous. When we have sex it's usually very good not just physically satisfying but also emotionally. It's just increasingly extremely rare and the whole marriage is taking so much work from me because he is ok. He's happy, it's me that's not.

"Any criticism of him and it can either devastate him or make him really angry. The last time he had an argument with me (3+, years ago) I had to tell him to leave because he started shouting at me in front of the DC and I simply won't have that. I told him if he ever does that again he's out and I stand by that. What I haven't recognised is that I've probably allowed things to get this far for fear of his reaction again."

This is also why I'm actually afraid to leave him because he won't cope with it well and an already horrendously difficult experience will become increasingly difficult. I dread it coming to this.

Life's too short to live like this OP. Do you really think you would actually regret leaving?

I ended a 20+ year marriage with a lot of similarities... I have no regrets fwiw.

You said you like Museums, but did them to death with the kids. I’d go back and check out what local museums are offering on adult education. They often have brilliant series of early evening lectures from curators or academics about recent additions to their collections. Universities too have out reach programmes and talks on recent research - History, engineering, medical faculties and archaeology departments all have excellent extra/mural lectures. They are inexpensive and mind expanding. Independent bookshops often have talks by authors where you can book tickets to hear them speak and get a signed copy. I’ve been to a few recently at Topping & Co but there is loads going on.

Why don’t you book something like that? Afterwards you can go for a meal or a drink and discuss what you saw and heard - agreeing and disagreeing. I bet you can reconnect.

There is a long running thread on here for people like yourself in a relationship with someone on the spectrum you should check it out

it changes things though because I mean he is in the spectrum and views the world through a different lens I suppose

I feel the issues you describe are because he is on the spectrum and I doubt he could ever change himself long term

You know you want to leave. And that’s ok. It sounds like he can’t be bothered with being an active partner and you are the only one making an effort.

You made attempts to leave already. When women get to that stage they’ve usually already stayed too long.

He prefers being alone so I don’t know why you leaving would devastate him so much.

Rather trying something you both like, why not alternate what you want to do each week and the other person has to go along.

Rock climbing
Go karting
Cinema
Flower arranging
Gym
A set walk
Pub crawl on an afternoon
Play cards
Gardening
Yoga
Kick boxing

What's the problem with joining a gym?

Find one with lots of classes and facilities. Pool, sauna, zumba, personal training, etc..

You are expecting your husband to change, you picked him, married him, knew what he was like, sorry if that sounds harsh but your husband will never live up to the feeling you are having by having your head turned.

By the sounds of it he knows you are on the verge of leaving him, maybe that is making him pull away further and not trust you. Maybe he is invested elsewhere with his hobbies, but maybe he sees you being invested emotionally elsewhere, spouses do pick up on these things.

Others have said you are the only one 'trying' in this relationship, I do not see that, I see someone who is expecting her husband to change his whole personality to be this other man. You are comparing and your husband is coming up short.

@motherofkevinnotperry
it doesn’t sound like there is a middle ground for both of you and it will get worse with age. I’m really sorry. My parents were a bit similar, they stayed together as it was more a generational thing, they found even joint hobby (gardening) but it still was very hard emotionally for mum, she’s very unhappy. Dad couldn’t tolerate in later age even a dinner with the family for more than 2 hours. Mum often didn’t want to come because Dad would come as well and would be quite difficult in conversation. She also struggled with lack of support and understanding from his side when her health’s deteriorated and struggled with demands from his side when his health was deteriorated. Obviously it’s all a long way from your situation today but something to think about. I know you’ve said that your DH is a good parent but I wonder how old are your kids. It’s easier when they are young, the roles are clear and emotional connections are simpler and obvious. Your DH might be ok with 7 y.o. but 17 y.o. would be a different matter.

Do your own book club where you each read the same book then discuss. Make it random selections so it's not just one person's choice.

Ice skating, maybe even lessons together

Comedy Nights

Quizzes

Theatre

Cinema

Walking

Join a choir

Local club of some sort