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Original poster

Ideas of a weekly things to do/join with DH to invest time into our marriage.

96 replies

motherofkevinnotperry · 09/03/2023 19:52

Help. I need to begin and invest time and effort into bringing DH and I back together. We've been together for decades. Kids growing up and we can leave them a bit more together in the house.

DH and I have ignored our marriage and to put it bluntly everyone else's grass is greener, ours is brown. I've been distracted by others (don't nothing) and it highlighted the huge gaps in our marriage and the need for us to reconnect.

I would like to have a weekly event that we go to. Maybe meet others, enjoy each other and become a happier more invested couple.

This is make or break time. If this doesn't work I cannot stay in the marriage as I'm miserable and very lonely. DH is willing to try.

No dancing, DH would never do it. No idea where else to start.

OP posts:
AltitudeCheck · 09/03/2023 20:57

Why don't you write all loads of ideas, some sensible, some sporty, some silly on scraps of paper, stick them in a bowl and pick one at random each time. Agree that whatever comes out the bowl you'll both do it. That way it's about you both doing something together (whether you love it or hate it - it's the doing it together that's important). You might have to endure a walk on a wet and windy day, he might have to dance... Both agree that you'll approach it with good humour and make the best of it!

Findyourneutralspace · 09/03/2023 21:01

Loads of couples at my gym either work out together or separately then meet in the pool/sauna/jacuzzi afterwards.

choccytime · 09/03/2023 21:04

We have a game of scrabble once a week

rogueone · 09/03/2023 21:10

I was going to suggest going to the theatre , trying out new things like opera, ballet, sports matches, musical gigs, festivals, do a wine tasting course , golf. Though tbh given the state of your marriage it might be better to do some couples counselling as doing a weekly activity isn’t going to resolve the deeper issues

Ginger1982 · 09/03/2023 21:13

How's your intimacy?

isthisit83 · 09/03/2023 21:17

Plan a long distance walk together. That sort of adventure is make or break. Maybe coast to coast or west highland way?

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 09/03/2023 21:18

Sounds like your current interests just divide you! Can you find a new thing to do together that you like?

Honestly just try anything and then laugh about it if its terrible

BartokRules · 09/03/2023 21:20

Try bell ringing? Usually there's a pint afterwards!

Dery · 09/03/2023 21:25

“I think the suggestion of you taking it in turns to choose an activity and the other agrees to give it a go in good grace - you might think you won't like 'his' film but the connection is about having something new to talk about, a laugh about it after, having chips out of the paper on the way home rather than the actual film. Equally he might hate the thought of a dance class, but a one off where you are as bad as each other and can laugh about it does much more than Going To Meet People. It sounds a little like you have both entrenched to only doing what you want and maybe restablishing some give and take would be good”

Totally this. You can’t just keep shutting each other’s choices down - that’s symptomatic of the state of your marriage. There must be some areas where you can each take a friendly interest in what floats the other’s boat. DH and I have similar but not identical choices - our first choice of a book or film would often be different so we take it in turns.

gluenotsoup · 09/03/2023 21:26

Plan a weekend away? Somewhere new to you both. Plan a romantic meal?

SweetSakura · 09/03/2023 21:27

rogueone · 09/03/2023 21:10

I was going to suggest going to the theatre , trying out new things like opera, ballet, sports matches, musical gigs, festivals, do a wine tasting course , golf. Though tbh given the state of your marriage it might be better to do some couples counselling as doing a weekly activity isn’t going to resolve the deeper issues

I think this is a good point. Or rather I would suggest a mixture of counselling and trying new activities.

jellycakeandicecream · 09/03/2023 21:27

Alphabet Dates…

Month One - you have a date beginning with the letter A (Archery? Alpaca Walk? Art Class?)

Month Two - You have a date beginning with the letter B (Bowling? Baking lesson? Local restaurant beginning with B?)

etc. etc. I assume Month Twentysix is a trip to the Zoo…

bravelittletiger · 09/03/2023 21:27

We've just started weekly ballroom lessons. It's so much fun. We go for a drink after to chat. Even if we have a shit week other than that we have a laugh and a giggle at dancing and it's taught us about each other too.

bravelittletiger · 09/03/2023 21:28

Ps neither of us know how to dance already.

It needs to be something new you learn together.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 09/03/2023 21:29

motherofkevinnotperry · 09/03/2023 20:07

We do try to go out for walks and we both exercise. DH says we could join a gym but we'd not work out together, or would we?

I suggested book club, he said I could go but he wouldn't 😔. We have got some theatre and music tickets booked for the coming months which is good.

Show quote history

The gym could be a good compromise, as there's absolutely no reason (and plenty not) to spend your time there joined at the hip, but you'd both have the endorphins afterwards - then a walk home for a really nice, healthy meal?

You could even try the rather wonderful cliche of Parkrun - that ticks several boxes.

junebirthdaygirl · 09/03/2023 21:29

Most things we do are separate but we do enjoy coming home and chatting about what we have been up to. Together, we go for coffee or lunch
regularly, long walks and do go on holidays and weekends away
What about taking bridge lessons and playing together as partners?
Or starting to support a local football team and going to the matches every weekend. It would lighten things up and be a laugh.
Or get an allotment together?

LubaLuca · 09/03/2023 21:29

We go to the gym together. We don't work out together, but we meet up in the pool after and have a steam, jacuzzi and sauna after.

We also go to the local for the quiz with a couple of friends, or just on our own if nobody else can make it. It's a 2 minute walk, so no effort required, and lots of people we know there so easy conversation flows.

We have similar taste in films, so we go to the cinema for anything that's worth paying for.

We go to plenty of concerts and sports events together. It's rare that we don't have something like that to look forward to. There's always a holiday in the pipeline too, for something to anticipate and plan.

DH wanted to go to a dance class that's held in the village hall, but I wouldn't. We can't agree on everything!

PermanentTemporary · 09/03/2023 21:36

Gym is a good one. At least he's suggested it. Go for it.

It's the process. You've talked about improving things, something has been suggested, you both try it. You have something to talk about afterwards. Ideally go for coffee/breakfast after? It almost doesn't matter what it is.

Having said that, the gym is a good one because it's flexible, you can both do something that suits you, you'll feel good afterwards.

Maybe parkrun? I used to do that with ds. He was literally twice my speed so used to do one lap, he did both. Whatever, it was a connection.

I'm afraid I was going to suggest having sex. But I think that should happen more whatever you do. Buy a selection of lubes? Fun to try out, a giggle, feels good, not as techy and frankly disappointing as most 'toys'.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 09/03/2023 21:50

Parkrun?

Original poster
motherofkevinnotperry · 09/03/2023 21:51

So to answer some questions. I can't remember what we had in common when we met and neither can he.

I think maybe you're right in trying new things and yes you're probably right to each pick an activity. Maybe we're getting less adaptable because we're older and more tired but I take on board that's not ideal.

We do hug when watching TV and even just waiting for the kettle to boil but sex is lacking for me and that's an issue which needs to be improved but can't be forced and I'm hoping will come naturally as we reconnect.

Ive noticed this specifically as my head has been turned by someone else who I've found very attractive, we got on great and he lit a fire that I'd forgotten about. It was a huge crush on my part. I did nothing with this man other than look forward to seeing him and we got on so extremely well. He gave me a spring in my step but he also made me realise how dead my marriage has become. I have made the decision to avoid this person as a distraction and to focus on my DH and marriage. IF it doesn't help then I will split with DH. I've been avoiding/ ignoring the problems for over a year.

OP posts:
Rememberal · 09/03/2023 21:51

Archery? Bit of healthy competition while you both learn and try to get better. Join a club that does field archery so you can go to the range yourselves, or with other club members if you feel like being social.

Original poster
motherofkevinnotperry · 09/03/2023 21:53

Rememberal · 09/03/2023 21:51

Archery? Bit of healthy competition while you both learn and try to get better. Join a club that does field archery so you can go to the range yourselves, or with other club members if you feel like being social.

We do have an archery centre nearby so that's an option.

OP posts:
Grimsknee · 09/03/2023 22:26

Sound like you both have lots of excuses here for why some activities won't work. Just start with something easy and cheap and low effort that doesn't require huge planning or forethought.

Low hanging fruit like going to the movies - take turns picking the movie, so what if you don't like the same stuff - sitting through something that's not your pick but your partner's is an act of love. or pick something you both hate so you can laugh about it. It's not about the movie, it's the time you spend going there, sitting together, coffee or dinner afterwards, etc etc.

grayhairdontcare · 09/03/2023 22:38

Get a jar and both write 10 things each you would like to do .
Each week take pick a note from the jar and do it!
No moaning or complaining.
Just go have fun together

Channellingsophistication · 09/03/2023 23:29

Couch to 5k?