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Relationships

Disappointed with just getting a text on my birthday

86 replies

Justlovecandles · 09/03/2023 02:40

So I’ve been seeing a guy for 8 months. I suppose it’s casual as we’re not officially girlfriend/boyfriend but we are good friends and really get on. We go out, have dinners together, stay over etc. Both 40s.

All I got on my birthday was a text to say happy birthday. He didn’t ask to see me or offer to take me out or anything. I’m so disappointed and feel crappy. I thought I meant more to him than a text. It’s not that he can’t afford to get me anything or take me out, he can. Even inviting me for dinner round his (which he has plenty of times before) would have been nice.

I feel I need to say something but not sure what as I don’t want to come across as needy or materialistic. It’s the thought that counts and this doesn’t feel like much thought.

OP posts:
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ShellsOnTheBeach · 19/03/2023 17:54

Please don't give him a card and a present!

He'll see it as you demeaning yourself - prepared to put up with any shitty behaviour. The long and the short of it is that he doesn't care enough to give you any respect. He is telling you that this is how it is going to be, and you can either take it or leave it.

You can TRY to talk to him, but I suspect he won't budge, so you need to be prepared to walk away. And mean it.

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Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 19/03/2023 17:55

Why on earth would you go all out on his birthday when he’s done absolutely fuck all for you? That won’t teach him anything. It won’t make him like you more. He’s made it quite plain he doesn’t really think that much of you. I’d b stepping back.

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Wishimaywishimight · 19/03/2023 17:56

Honestly OP, phoning you after a busy day is pretty basic and takes very little effort. It doesn't render him particularly "lovely". Stop accepting crumbs or that is all you will ever get.

Popping round with a card and present on his birthday when he ignored yours is not going to teach him anything other than all he needs to do for you is the barest mimimum and you will still come running (with presents to boot).

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gannett · 19/03/2023 17:56

By your own description you're FWBs and not in a relationship so a happy birthday text is completely appropriate. It sounds like you might have more feelings though, so it's time to broach that conversation.

I always feel on these threads that what someone's partner did for their birthday is a red herring. How does he make you feel generally? If you feel loved and cherished on a daily basis then dropping the ball on your birthday won't matter. If you don't then a lack of effort will stick out like a sore thumb. But really, these are issues for partners - not FWBs.

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safetyfreak · 19/03/2023 18:02

Have a honest chat with him, tell him how you feel.

I had a very similar experience with my husband when we were dating, I did have the...make it or break it chat and was ready to end it, but he really stepped up and it solidified our relationship.

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Suetcrust · 19/03/2023 18:05

This!
“im sorry OP but what he’s showing you is that you’re just not that special to him. I know that’s horribly harsh but while he likes you enough, he doesn’t actually like you ENOUGH.”

Do not expect him to do anything different any other time & I don’t think he will change so your passive aggressive gesture will fall on stony ground. He’s not that into you. Save the gift for the next man in your life who does appreciate you.

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namechange3394 · 19/03/2023 18:08

You're not serious or official after 8 months: you're never going to be. He doesn't want that. He sees you as a casual shag.

Stop trying to make this into something it isn't and go and find a proper boyfriend who actually respects you and wants to spend time with you.

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Rockschooldropout · 19/03/2023 18:19

FGS please don’t completely humiliate yourself by going round with a gift .. you may as well lie down on his doorstep and let him wipe his feet on you .
I think you need to work on yourself and your self worth - FWB works when both parties are in the same page , you want more and he probably knows this .
Ringing you up or making supportive noises means nothing when he has clearly and deliberately sent you the clear message that you are not a priority in his life by merely texting you on your birthday .
Its time you showered some affection on yourself .. treat YOURSELF to a belated birthday gift and tbh end it with this man because you are viewing every little breadcrumb he throws your way as so much more than it really is .

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TheEverlovingFork · 19/03/2023 19:08

Oh my days PLEASE don't degrade yourself going over with a present like you're trying do positive reinforcement training with a toddler. It's beyond desperate.

"he’s so lovely in other ways and phoned me this week after a really busy day as I texted him to say I was struggling with something."

Well, yeah, he's probably not a 100% shite FRIEND. He's not a boyfriend though, go and find one of those if you want an actual relationship.

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supercali77 · 19/03/2023 19:25

Jesus no dont give him a present 😭

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MimiSunshine · 19/03/2023 22:47

Justlovecandles · 19/03/2023 17:42

I feel quite sad reading everyone’s replies to this 😔.
he’s so lovely in other ways and phoned me this week after a really busy day as I texted him to say I was struggling with something.
I guess I need to have a think ☹️

Oh I just want to give you a hug. I can hear your sadness and confusion.

listen, we’ve all been pretty blunt, harsh and direct but that’s because we’re not your friends who don’t want to hurt you.
its not that we do actively want to hurt you but we want you to see the truth in his actions and maybe make you face the feelings for him that you are burying by pretending your fine with how things are.

in the past ive stayed involved with the wrong guy who just didn’t care about me enough and I found excuses for his shit breadcrumbs of good treatment and over emphasised the quite frankly just basic good human behaviour as a way to tell myself I was important to him.
it’s why I can I said what I said, you’re worth so much more. Don’t devalue yourself and don’t waste your time on him anymore.

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emptythelitterbox · 19/03/2023 23:35

Justlovecandles · 19/03/2023 17:42

I feel quite sad reading everyone’s replies to this 😔.
he’s so lovely in other ways and phoned me this week after a really busy day as I texted him to say I was struggling with something.
I guess I need to have a think ☹️

Of course he isn't going to be completely hideous or you'll stop having sex with him.

He'll do a few low effort things like phone calls and texts to keep you sweet.

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Justlovecandles · 21/03/2023 19:38

So another update…
I can’t stop thinking about this.
Am starting to see that a lot of his actions are low effort. I’ve made myself a pros and cons list. Please don’t criticise me for doing this… I’ve already done it:

Pros:

  1. Enjoy his company
  2. He’s been very kind and generous whenever we do get together.
  3. Sex is great
  4. Nice warm feelings I haven’t had for years

Cons:
  1. I initiate majority of meet ups
  2. He didn’t do anything to show me I was special on birthday which left me disappointed
  3. As it stands, we have no dates planned for the future, and recently all our meet ups are last minute.
  4. I feel like he only wants to see me when he has nothing else on
  5. I never know when he’s going to be in touch which makes me feel anxious.
  6. He has told me that we are just 2 people who get on and enjoy each others company.


He hasn’t been in touch for a couple of days. I last saw him 4 days ago, we all went out for tea with our sons (as friends, they obviously don’t know all the details).

Now what? I suspect if I leave it he will be in touch in the next few days asking how I am etc. - not to meet up but just to check in.
I don’t know what to say or do. I feel unimportant and a bit crappy on one hand…. But I also don’t want to be unfair to him and wonder if I should be honest about how I feel and see how he responds
OP posts:
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Isthisexpected · 21/03/2023 19:46

Your list is great. Think about what you'd advise if a friend showed you that list. Take a step back and see this for what it is.

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callthataspade · 21/03/2023 20:32

I don't think I can help you anymore

If you can't look at your list and see what to do there's nothing any of us can say

If you think this is all you're worth then that's very sad indeed

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AviMav · 21/03/2023 20:36

OP. The man isn't interested, you are a last minute plan. Why is your child meeting your fuck buddy. Honestly you've had to come to MN but he certainly won't be doing this for you.

Your pro list is what you can get from ANY other man on Hinge. I mean this kindly. Wake up woman!

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tortiecat · 21/03/2023 20:38

It's a good thing you made that list.
The last point tells you all you need to know. Some people can be very charming in person and you do feel good around them but it's hollow. Please listen - he has told you and shown you who he is, it's time to walk away. If you were genuinely happy with a dating / FWB situation this would be fine but you want more and so it isn't going to work. This is no reflection on you - you deserve better Flowers

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Avarua2 · 21/03/2023 20:46

Time to tell him that his lack of effort on your birthday left you disappointed so you've reconsidered the Fwb arrangement and don't plan to see him again. Do this for your own self-protection

You've learned that you don't want a Fwb so take that lesson and apply it.

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TheMatriarchy · 21/03/2023 21:35

Not doing anything on your birthday was very deliberate, he is telling you this is a casual, no strings, when i feel like a shag situationship. Making it crystal clear. That's it, so please dont embarrass yourself with gifts etc. I suggest telling him that the situation isn't working for you as you want more from a relationship, but wish him the best. He can step up at that point, but he wont. Move on.

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PaigeMatthews · 21/03/2023 21:49

AviMav · 21/03/2023 20:36

OP. The man isn't interested, you are a last minute plan. Why is your child meeting your fuck buddy. Honestly you've had to come to MN but he certainly won't be doing this for you.

Your pro list is what you can get from ANY other man on Hinge. I mean this kindly. Wake up woman!

This.

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missbriteside · 21/03/2023 21:54

Please don’t make someone a priority when you are only an option to them. His lack of even a card tells you all you need to know and you deserve so much better.

You won’t find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be whilst you’re taking his breadcrumbs. I’d be saying thanks for the fun times but it’s not working for me anymore.

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winterbegone · 21/03/2023 22:35

I'd start looking to date others and when you find someone you like more, you can drop him, tbh this what he's doing anyway, probably seeing others on the days he's gone quiet, you don't owe any loyalty to him. Or just say it's not working for you.

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Straycatblue · 21/03/2023 23:02

Justlovecandles · 21/03/2023 19:38

So another update…
I can’t stop thinking about this.
Am starting to see that a lot of his actions are low effort. I’ve made myself a pros and cons list. Please don’t criticise me for doing this… I’ve already done it:

Pros:

  1. Enjoy his company
  2. He’s been very kind and generous whenever we do get together.
  3. Sex is great
  4. Nice warm feelings I haven’t had for years

Cons:
  1. I initiate majority of meet ups
  2. He didn’t do anything to show me I was special on birthday which left me disappointed
  3. As it stands, we have no dates planned for the future, and recently all our meet ups are last minute.
  4. I feel like he only wants to see me when he has nothing else on
  5. I never know when he’s going to be in touch which makes me feel anxious.
  6. He has told me that we are just 2 people who get on and enjoy each others company.


He hasn’t been in touch for a couple of days. I last saw him 4 days ago, we all went out for tea with our sons (as friends, they obviously don’t know all the details).

Now what? I suspect if I leave it he will be in touch in the next few days asking how I am etc. - not to meet up but just to check in.
I don’t know what to say or do. I feel unimportant and a bit crappy on one hand…. But I also don’t want to be unfair to him and wonder if I should be honest about how I feel and see how he responds

Sometimes in life we have to step back & look at things in a frank manner to evaluate where we are & what we want in life & that can be really painful & I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Hopefully you can make decisions now however painful they are that set you on a path of what you want in life & what is best for your future rather than a man who you say makes you feel anxious

Your birthday has been a wake up call that your unlabelled non committal relationship which he himself describes as not a couple & just 2 people who get on is not where you want it to be & realistically you already know deep inside that it's not ever going to be.

Its a hard truth & once that realisation has happened something inside you changes & you know you can't ever return to pretending that things will get better.

It's time to put yourself & what you want for your future first.
Yes you will be sad & grieve & probably regret it at times when you're feeling lonely - so prepare for that & know that it's short term pain long term gain.

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Twopoodlesarebetterthanone · 21/03/2023 23:21

Did you have someone in your life when you were young who wasn't there for you but who you kept hoping would be? It's called relentless hope!!

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Geppili · 21/03/2023 23:43

Don't meet up with a fuck buddy with your children even if they are grown. It is corrupt.

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