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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Disappointed with just getting a text on my birthday

86 replies

Justlovecandles · 09/03/2023 02:40

So I’ve been seeing a guy for 8 months. I suppose it’s casual as we’re not officially girlfriend/boyfriend but we are good friends and really get on. We go out, have dinners together, stay over etc. Both 40s.

All I got on my birthday was a text to say happy birthday. He didn’t ask to see me or offer to take me out or anything. I’m so disappointed and feel crappy. I thought I meant more to him than a text. It’s not that he can’t afford to get me anything or take me out, he can. Even inviting me for dinner round his (which he has plenty of times before) would have been nice.

I feel I need to say something but not sure what as I don’t want to come across as needy or materialistic. It’s the thought that counts and this doesn’t feel like much thought.

OP posts:

Report

ShandaLear · 09/03/2023 02:48

Happy birthday!

You’re an FWB. You’re not in a relationship with this man. If that’s all you want, then great. If it’s not, then think about what you do want and move in that direction.

Justlovecandles · 09/03/2023 02:51

But even if we are FWB, we are still friends? Doesn’t that deserve more than a text?

OP posts:

Mislou · 09/03/2023 03:01

Well, if friends rather than a relationship I think a text might be normal and what he does with his other friends. I know my friends just get a text on their birthday and male partner might send his friend a text but would probably not even do that.
If you want to be more significant in his life I think you should say. Don’t waste your time if it’s not what you want . At least you’ll know.

WidthofaLine · 09/03/2023 03:12

You are giving him unconditional sex, that's the deal.

You are allowed to find someone else if you want more, I personally would.

Tourmalines · 09/03/2023 03:40

Sorry , he’s not that into you as you are to him . As you say , you are both just friends and that’s how he sees it so a text is enough for him . I think maybe you want more considering your disappointment. Maybe talk to him about it .

Zara82 · 09/03/2023 03:40

Maybe he assumed you were busy?

Guavafish1 · 09/03/2023 03:47

Yes say something..... his reaction will tellyou how much he cares about you more than a friend.

GoodChat · 09/03/2023 05:52

It's been 8 months and you're not official. You can't have it all ways.

Clymene · 09/03/2023 05:54

He's telling you what you mean to him. You have the power to stop having sex with him if it makes you unhappy. I would. You want more than he wants to give.

AviMav · 09/03/2023 06:00

No response is a response.

Stop the FWB it's not working for you just end it now. Find a new one.

MsChatterbox · 09/03/2023 06:04

If you want to continue as you are then don't say anything as this is normal for friends. I don't invite my friends places on their bday, they invite me to something.

If you want to stop what you're doing or ask if he wants to take it further then I would say something. Something like how we approached my birthday made me reconsider our situation.

Sweetener12 · 09/03/2023 06:15

Even if you aren't serious, every FWB situation is different and doesn't exclude gifts or going out somewhere together whatsoever, it's all up to you and the boundaries you've set.
My love language is gifts, so under no circumstances would I left a partner or even a fwb of 8 months without a birthday gift (maybe a token one but still a gift!) or at the very least a funny smartshow 3d video made for them, but that's just me.
If you're unhappy with what you get, tell him so and go from there. Maybe it has never crossed his mind, or maybe its time for you to part ways if you want more than he's willing to give you.

PaigeMatthews · 09/03/2023 06:19

Justlovecandles · 09/03/2023 02:51

But even if we are FWB, we are still friends? Doesn’t that deserve more than a text?

Does he buy his male friends birthday presents? I bet not.

why are you not officially a couple? You sound kike a couple? Whag is it about being a couple you both dont want? For him it could very well be the pressure of treating you well on birthdays etc. in the current set up he treats you well when it fits in with his life.

the main thing is, this casual affair no longer suits you as you want more of a couples relationship.

Provenza · 09/03/2023 06:32

You clearly want more from this than you are getting, otherwise you would not have such strong emotional reaction. He’s not going to change no matter what you say to him. I’m

Justlovecandles · 18/03/2023 16:31

UPDATE

So it remains that all I got was a text on my birthday!

I do think he likes me… I don’t know why I didn’t get a card or anything, my other friends say it’s just him being a man!

it’s his birthday next week and I’m going to go round with a card and present and show him properly how to wish someone happy birthday.
i must say though, he’s been lovely in other ways, and has been really supportive recently when I was having problems with my son.

anyway… I’m over my blues. Bloody birthdays!!!

OP posts:

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 16:35

Justlovecandles · 09/03/2023 02:51

But even if we are FWB, we are still friends? Doesn’t that deserve more than a text?

Yes it does, but maybe he's just a bit of a shit friend.

At least it's only been 8 months, & you now have a measure of the quality of his friendship toward you.

I feel I need to say something but not sure what as I don’t want to come across as needy or materialistic.
If you can't talk about it openly, you're not close friends.
Do you want to continue shagging a man who's not even a proper FWB?

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 16:38

it’s his birthday next week and I’m going to go round with a card and present and show him properly how to wish someone happy birthday.

So instead of talking to him honestly about what you want, you are going to performatively hand over a passive-aggressive present & silently hope he gets the message?

Justlovecandles · 18/03/2023 16:40

Yes!
that is what I’m going to do… because that is what I do for my friends on their birthday!

OP posts:

PaigeMatthews · 18/03/2023 16:44

Justlovecandles · 18/03/2023 16:31

UPDATE

So it remains that all I got was a text on my birthday!

I do think he likes me… I don’t know why I didn’t get a card or anything, my other friends say it’s just him being a man!

it’s his birthday next week and I’m going to go round with a card and present and show him properly how to wish someone happy birthday.
i must say though, he’s been lovely in other ways, and has been really supportive recently when I was having problems with my son.

anyway… I’m over my blues. Bloody birthdays!!!

Not bloody birthdays at all. Dont do that. Birthdays arent the problem. He is.

he’s been lovely in other ways
in what ways has he been lovely?

and has been really supportive recently when I was having problems with my son.
in what ways was he supportive?

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 16:45

Justlovecandles · 18/03/2023 16:40

Yes!
that is what I’m going to do… because that is what I do for my friends on their birthday!

So you are going to swallow your feelings of dissatisfaction, & pretend you are fine & dandy?

NerrSnerr · 18/03/2023 16:53

Unless you actually talk to him about where you both are you are going to continue to be disappointed. He clearly sees it as very casual and it appears you want more. This is why often FWB ends in someone being hurt as both have to view it as casual.

MimiSunshine · 18/03/2023 17:16

You’re taking him a card and present because that’s what you do for your friends.

for his friends he texts them, why are you trying to model ‘good friend behaviour’ on him like he’s your toddler?

my husband would only text (if that) his friends on their birthday but mere weeks after our 1st date (we weren’t serious at that point) he bought me a card and a thoughtful gift for my birthday.

he, as an adult, knew that people who are special to you, get special treatment on their birthday.

im sorry OP but what he’s showing you is that you’re just not that special to him. I know that’s horribly harsh but while he likes you enough, he doesn’t actually like you ENOUGH.

decide what you want from this ‘situationship’ and be honest with him. Don’t try to lead by example, just (as I say to my toddler) use your words.

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WatieKatie · 18/03/2023 18:55

My opinion, from an outsider, you feel a lot more for him than he does for you.

CrinklyLoveStick · 18/03/2023 18:58

If you trot round with a card and presents he will see you, quite rightly, as an absolute mug.

Sparkletastic · 18/03/2023 19:02

I would be equally casual about his birthday if I were you. And then have a conversation about whether the relationship is merely FWB.

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