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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship anxiety

44 replies

Notaboutthebass · 07/03/2023 16:35

New relationship and we've both expressed to each other how happy we're feeling, the chemistry is amazing. For the first time I've seen no red flags yet and so far he makes me feel really good about myself.

But why am I so anxious about it all? I so want to to work out. I always feel like this at the start. Any advice please?

Maybe because my period is due?!
Is it best to talk to a new man about feeling anxious? Really don't want to come across as needy!

Thanks!

OP posts:
UpUpUpU · 07/03/2023 16:46

How new is this man?

Watchkeys · 07/03/2023 16:52

You're anxious because you can't be yourself. You're hiding, and you think that if you reveal what you really feel, you'll look bad.

How would you expect anybody to be relaxed, in a situation where they felt that if someone saw them for what they really were, they'd be thought of negatively?

You're not being true to your feelings. Why are you telling him how happy you are, when actually you feel really anxious?

Ndd135632 · 07/03/2023 16:53

Notaboutthebass · 07/03/2023 16:35

New relationship and we've both expressed to each other how happy we're feeling, the chemistry is amazing. For the first time I've seen no red flags yet and so far he makes me feel really good about myself.

But why am I so anxious about it all? I so want to to work out. I always feel like this at the start. Any advice please?

Maybe because my period is due?!
Is it best to talk to a new man about feeling anxious? Really don't want to come across as needy!

Thanks!

No don’t talk to him about it. Talk to us and enjoy it!

Zanatdy · 07/03/2023 17:01

It’s normal to feel anxious. I did when I recently started dating again but decided to go with it, only to end up hurt! But not all relationships end up like that. It’s right to be a bit anxious and cautious. I wouldn’t voice it for fear id make myself vulnerable

yousexybugger · 07/03/2023 17:01

How new is this? Do you suffer from anxiety generally or only linked to the relationship? I feel for you and definitely understand 💐

I would be inclined to try and think it through yourself thoroughly before talking to him. I know you deserve to be open in a relationship but realistically, what's he supposed to do about it if he's not doing anything wrong?

Has he inadvertently said anything to set this off? Are there any other factors in your life triggering the anxiety? Are you fulfilled in other areas?

Watchkeys · 07/03/2023 17:04

I know you deserve to be open in a relationship but realistically, what's he supposed to do about it if he's not doing anything wrong

It's a relationship. The aim is to relate to each other, not to 'do something about' the other person's issues.

Leopardlives · 07/03/2023 18:03

Start writing a ‘mood diary’ — write it all in there, then look at it tomorrow

Original poster
Notaboutthebass · 07/03/2023 18:19

Thank you everyone. And yes I'll just write it out on here!
It's very new, like a month. I do genuinely believe it's because I'm due on. Previous to this I was constantly thinking about him but was positive. Nothing he's said, I just get like this when I really like someone.
I don't suffer with anxiety generally at all. I'm a happy positive person.
I do need to just enjoy it. And I am but today I'm just overwhelmed!

OP posts:
Leopardlives · 07/03/2023 18:27

I really get this feeling. Remember he’s holding you in mind too. I find this helps! He’s probably thinking about little things he likes about you and also just being constantly startled that he’s got a nice new girlfriend.

Starseeed · 07/03/2023 18:32

You haven’t said what you’re feeling anxious about? Don’t talk yourself out of the feeling - listen to it and then you can decide if it’s about your relationship or you.

Original poster
Notaboutthebass · 07/03/2023 18:46

Thank you for the further replies.
I think I'm just scared it'll go tits up because I'm so into him. I'm not going to be looking for red flags but I'm well aware of any potential ones as I've had some right nutters.
Thing is if I carry on thinking this way I'm going to cause issues aren't I?

OP posts:
Tuilpmouse · 07/03/2023 19:05

Notaboutthebass · 07/03/2023 18:46

Thank you for the further replies.
I think I'm just scared it'll go tits up because I'm so into him. I'm not going to be looking for red flags but I'm well aware of any potential ones as I've had some right nutters.
Thing is if I carry on thinking this way I'm going to cause issues aren't I?

Well, if it's hormonal, then it'll pass just as quickly!

Original poster
Notaboutthebass · 07/03/2023 19:08

Yes that's what I'm hoping. Can't get over the difference you can feel between the two.

OP posts:
Tuilpmouse · 07/03/2023 19:09

Starseeed · 07/03/2023 18:32

You haven’t said what you’re feeling anxious about? Don’t talk yourself out of the feeling - listen to it and then you can decide if it’s about your relationship or you.

Quite often anxiety can be a general feeling, not focussed on this or that particular issue.

I think what you're feeling is perfectly natural in the circumstances. You've met this guy that you're falling hard for, but the harder you fall for someone, the greater the risk of hurt, and the more you place control of your feelings into the hands of someone else... and it's right to be a bit scared of that, especially if you've be burnt before.

Tuilpmouse · 07/03/2023 19:12

Contrary to the Mills & Boon script, falling in love isn't an entirely pleasurable experience... and comes with downside emotions like you describe. It's only the naive who jump in without any trepidation!

Winemygoodenemy · 07/03/2023 19:21

@Notaboutthebass I have hidden anxiety to my DP of nearly a year. It’s not him but me. I know it and don’t tell him. He has done nothing to create this anxiety. Weirdly it only appeared a few months in.

Our relationship is so easy and no drama. He does what he says, never let me down and I know he loves me. When my mum died he dropped everything to support me and was amazing. In fact I am moving to his for a bit as sold my house and my chain fell through on new purchase. His suggestion to give me time.

I think it stems from the many arses I dated previously - non committed , actions not matching words etc. They seemed to have conditioned me to think all guys are idiots. I don’t relax unless we have plans. I also think he will cancel - he never has.

in my head when I relax and think it’s ok is when it falls apart. My DP is amazing. It’s a more him than me. Learning to relax

Original poster
Notaboutthebass · 07/03/2023 19:30

Thank you so much for the further replies, they're really helping.
@Winemygoodenemy what a lovely story, I'm so chuffed for you. So is he unaware of how anxious you can be, and it is not a problem because he doesn't cause you to worry?

Thank you for making me feel normal @Tuilpmouse.

Thank you all.

OP posts:
Winemygoodenemy · 07/03/2023 19:50

@Notaboutthebass i think he knows secretly. We have both had pasts with hurt.

My new purchase fell through when my mum died. He said to my dad I should move in with him for a bit to lessen the stress, but he wasn’t too sure I would as he knows I value my independence. It was my dad that told me there was a plan and don’t f-it up with a good guy that clearly loves me.

In fact our only argument was day after my mum died. I said I was grateful he drove me 7 hours to get to my dad and to see mum after she died and was nicest thing he could have done. He said he loved me and it was no questions asked task, I needed to get there safely.

I told him I would have gotten there by myself and didn’t need to depend on him as I can. He said it was more I could depend on him to be there when needed, not I had to depend on him. There was a difference

i did relax a bit

Watchkeys · 07/03/2023 20:24

Have you heard of attachment styles, OP?

www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/anxious-attachment-style

Original poster
Notaboutthebass · 07/03/2023 22:05

@Winemygoodenemy he sounds like a good one. Thank you for sharing.
@Watchkeys thank you very much for that, it's an interesting read. I will follow through with the suggestions as to how to overcome these styles.
He's such a happy and positive person so far. There is no reason to worry. I need to relax.
All your comments are really appreciated. Thank you 💐

OP posts:
NomadicSpirit · 07/03/2023 22:10

When people find something worth holding on to, they naturally worry more about losing it than something they're not bothered about. What you're feeling is pretty normal and at you say your period might well be contributing to that.

I'm glad you've got such positive vibes for the guy as it's sadly a bit rare to read that on Mumsnet. Just take one day at a time and enjoy the moments.

... And hopefully you'll be feeling more yourself tomorrow .

FiddleLeaf · 07/03/2023 22:16

Awh I totally forgot this feeling! I felt anxious because it was just so good. I finally met someone I cared about that I almost couldn’t believe it. I felt very calm again from 6 weeks according to my diary 🤓

I did talk to him about it. Not a big, serious convo just ‘I feel really nervous about this’ and he felt the same.

We’re engaged and bought a house together recently 🙂 He’s the best man.

Original poster
Notaboutthebass · 07/03/2023 22:36

Thank you @NomadicSpirit
That's lovely @FiddleLeaf. He does seem very approachable and has welcomed me do any venting about anything (unprompted) recently. He's really thoughtful.

OP posts:
NomadicSpirit · 07/03/2023 22:56

@FiddleLeaf your post reminded me that the first time I saw my partner dressed up, I was reduced to a gibbering wreck and had to just admit that I was suddenly nervous as they really scrubbed up well. It's something we still laugh about 16 years late, so it didn't ruin anything.

WhiteChocMocha · 07/03/2023 23:50

Have a read of this: www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/basic-rules-new-relationship/

Stuff like this helped me. I was getting together with a guy that meant a lot to me and I got really anxious at times as I wanted it to work so bad.

When I started to focus on just enjoying it and worrying less it really unlocked the magic.