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Original poster

is this cheating?

91 replies

wb73117 · 07/03/2023 16:19

I recently caught my husband exchanging flirty albeit jokey messages with another woman on a social media platform.

Two of the messages that were harder for me she said “ i hope this isn’t inappropriate but that made my nips hard” she was referring to a voice message he had left. In the voice message he wasnt saying anything inappropriate she was saying that the sound of his voice did that. He responded with “lol, well maybe I should do that more often then 😉” She responded with “ oh I already have a huge sex labido that might put me over the edge” Later on he messaged her and said “ saw your post on instagram, you are looking reallllly good 😉”

He told me he didnt see like that and that he was just trying to be nice. I feel somewhat betrayed because I would never feel comfortable having a conversation like that with someone other than him.

I guess I just dont know how to move forward and looking for advice.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/03/2023 16:20

He told me he didnt see like that and that he was just trying to be nice.

Right. Just trying to be "nice."

Of course it's cheating.

Pseudonamed · 07/03/2023 16:21

100% cheating.

Jodielou5972 · 07/03/2023 16:22

That is definitely cheating and if he doesn't see it that's quite concerning. I would be really mad. He should of shut her down straight away but he is encouraging it!! I would not be happy at all

SunshineAndFizz · 07/03/2023 16:22

Yes.

Tiredmum100 · 07/03/2023 16:22

That is flirting, sorry. I would be so upset if my dh did that. Personally if my dh did that I would feel he was testing the waters, or starting an emotional affair.

Zippidydoda · 07/03/2023 16:23

Yes 100% inappropriate. If it ‘counts’ as cheating or not is irrelevant and a bit subjective I suppose. It was inappropriate and crossing boundaries.

Ofcourseshecan · 07/03/2023 16:26

It goes beyond flirting, OP. She’s sexting him and he’s not discouraging her.

Incognito2023 · 07/03/2023 16:29

I wouldn't consider this cheating - but it IS definitely highly inappropriate flirting and very out of order.
So for me - not a deal-breaker (as an emotional or sexual affair, or even a ONS would be) but a huge red flag and warning against future behaviour.

Background or context would also be relevant to me… is this woman a random stranger, or does he know her in real life, work colleague etc?

Mortimercat · 07/03/2023 16:31

I don’t know or care whether cheating is the right word. This is absolutely unacceptable and I would be thinking it is the start of the end of my marriage.

Original poster
wb73117 · 07/03/2023 16:32

Incognito2023 · 07/03/2023 16:29

I wouldn't consider this cheating - but it IS definitely highly inappropriate flirting and very out of order.
So for me - not a deal-breaker (as an emotional or sexual affair, or even a ONS would be) but a huge red flag and warning against future behaviour.

Background or context would also be relevant to me… is this woman a random stranger, or does he know her in real life, work colleague etc?

She isnt someone from real life but they have talked online through this app for a couple of years.
She does live across the country which is why he said he just didnt see it as anything as just being funny and trying to be nice which is why he said she looked nice

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 07/03/2023 16:34

I wouldn't call it cheating but I doubt many people would be happy with their partner doing it, either.
He's giving himself a nice little distraction to wank off to and pass the time flirting with.
You don't need to be okay with it

Watchkeys · 07/03/2023 16:44

He told me he didnt see like that and that he was just trying to be nice

So his opinion of what he's done dictates how you should feel about it? If he makes you food you hate for your dinner, but he doesn't see it like that, will you enjoy eating it?

Whether it's cheating or not is neither here nor there: is it acceptable to you in terms of how you want your relationship to look/be?

Aussiegirl123456 · 07/03/2023 16:48

If my DH wrote messages like that to someone, he’d be my ex dh.
It’s up to you what you stand for in your relationship.

secsee · 07/03/2023 16:50

Even though he wasn't the one who explicitly mentioned nipples and sex, he's cheating by continuing that conversation IMO.

How can it not be? I have very, very low confidence that he'd turn down any physical advances from any woman, even if this particular one isn't accessible.

Ndd135632 · 07/03/2023 16:51

That’s bad OP. Of course it is and you know it !

Choconut · 07/03/2023 16:57

She kept talking sexually and he didn't shut it down, in fact he's positively encouraging it. So now he's crossed boundaries and needs to shut it down completely and not have any more contact with her - or he can leave - his choice. If he wants to stay then I'd also want open access to any devices he owns while we try to build up some trust again and counselling to help him understand that it was inappropriate as he doesn't seem to.

incitethismeetingtorebellion · 07/03/2023 17:00

If that's just being nice I would hate to see what he considers flirting

Zanatdy · 07/03/2023 17:02

It’s not cheating but it’s crossing a line for sure

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 07/03/2023 17:05

It's deeply inappropriate and I wouldn't put up with that behaviour from my DH. It's not yet cheating but it's definitely crossed the line of propriety.

Newestname002 · 07/03/2023 17:34

I wonder how he would feel if you had this same level of interaction with another man? 🌹

IsThePopeCatholic · 07/03/2023 17:40

I wouldn’t trust him an inch. He’s a sleazeball.

Usernameismyname01 · 07/03/2023 17:40

Tell him the guy you have regular phone contact with at work told you that you made his dick hard and that you both laughed at how you'll have to do that more often for him.

And see how he likes knowing that someone is getting turned on by you and you encouraging it rather than being respectful to your partner!!!

This isn't on at all

Original poster
wb73117 · 07/03/2023 17:44

I did ask that if man had said he was getting hard after hearing me talk a certain way how would he feel and he said it would make uncomfortable. he did apologize for not seeing my perspective.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 07/03/2023 17:45

he did apologize for not seeing my perspective

What a hero. Don't you want a partner who would instinctively know that this sort of thing might upset you?

MsDogLady · 07/03/2023 17:47

He told me he didn’t see like that and that he was just trying to be nice.

WB, he can downplay all he wants, but what counts is what you feel about your boundaries and what you will not tolerate in your marriage. He doesn’t get a say in that.

I would absolutely consider such sexual chat as cheating. He’s telling OW that he’ll have to arouse her again. And after that exchange he returned to compliment her looks.

WB, he’s acting like a single guy and making a mockery of you and your marriage. It doesn’t matter that it’s online or that OW lives a great distance away. He’s interacting with her on a sexual level and coming on to her with his ogling and drooling.

I wouldn’t diminish myself by sticking with a man like this.

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