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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is this cheating?

91 replies

wb73117 · 07/03/2023 16:19

I recently caught my husband exchanging flirty albeit jokey messages with another woman on a social media platform.

Two of the messages that were harder for me she said “ i hope this isn’t inappropriate but that made my nips hard” she was referring to a voice message he had left. In the voice message he wasnt saying anything inappropriate she was saying that the sound of his voice did that. He responded with “lol, well maybe I should do that more often then 😉” She responded with “ oh I already have a huge sex labido that might put me over the edge” Later on he messaged her and said “ saw your post on instagram, you are looking reallllly good 😉”

He told me he didnt see like that and that he was just trying to be nice. I feel somewhat betrayed because I would never feel comfortable having a conversation like that with someone other than him.

I guess I just dont know how to move forward and looking for advice.

OP posts:
WidthofaLine · 08/03/2023 00:04

It's not that people assume it's cheating.
It's having a different bar for cheating.

There seems to be a lot of this on MN at the moment, it's whatever it is to you type comments.

It may be considered cheating to some but not others.

That is why we have laws, jurys and judges to define crimes. To define good behaviour from bad and the different levels inbetween.
Murder or manslaughter ?

This is cheating in my eyes as it confirms his intent.
Sometimes it's not just a question of feelings and what bar you set, sometimes certain things are unacceptable within the confines of a monogamous relationship and that conversation was innapropriate and very disrespectful.

You don't know your husband as well as you thought.

Original poster
wb73117 · 08/03/2023 01:22

I honestly dont know what I want the resolution to be.
I know that if it was a friend I would probably tell her to leave but I know I wont.
We have been married for 13 years and have 3 kids. Its hard to walk away when I cant say he went all the way with cheating.
I feel lost and sad and disappointed.
He would be who I go to when I feel this way but I cant.
He knows I find it unacceptable and is extremely apologetic.
I wanted to see if I was overreacting but its clear I wasnt.
I guess the next step is therapy.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 08/03/2023 01:57

WB, even if you’re planning to stay, you’d be wise to send him away for a while while you process and get your bearings. He really needs to experience a sharp consequence and to feel the loss of you.

This was not the behavior of a faithful man and devoted father. He needs to do a huge amount of work on himself to find out why he is attracted to illicit validation and how he gave himself permission to abuse your trust. If this is swept, his weak character traits will still be there and he will not protect his fidelity.

greenspaces4peace · 08/03/2023 02:02

Totally inappropriate to discuss nipples and libido with someone other than your partner.
He was goady and encouraged the conversation.
He’s being sleazy!
Your bar is set low, his morals are a poor example for your children.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/03/2023 02:18

wb73117 · 08/03/2023 01:22

I honestly dont know what I want the resolution to be.
I know that if it was a friend I would probably tell her to leave but I know I wont.
We have been married for 13 years and have 3 kids. Its hard to walk away when I cant say he went all the way with cheating.
I feel lost and sad and disappointed.
He would be who I go to when I feel this way but I cant.
He knows I find it unacceptable and is extremely apologetic.
I wanted to see if I was overreacting but its clear I wasnt.
I guess the next step is therapy.

What's his next step? Has he deleted the app, removed her from Insta, sworn off texting inappropriately?

Or is all the hard work of trusting him up to you?

Original poster
wb73117 · 08/03/2023 02:24

He deleted the app and deleted insta. I also feel like that’s not the solution. I want to know why he is seeking out this kind of validation

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 08/03/2023 02:26

wb73117 · 08/03/2023 02:24

He deleted the app and deleted insta. I also feel like that’s not the solution. I want to know why he is seeking out this kind of validation

Off his own bat or because you wanted him to?

Original poster
wb73117 · 08/03/2023 02:34

He did it on his own. I didn’t want him to because I feel like it’s a rash decision and trying to just placate

OP posts:
WidthofaLine · 08/03/2023 03:49

I feel lost and sad and disappointed.
He would be who I go to when I feel this way but I cant.

That's exactly how all women on here feel when someone has betrayed them, you can't or will not go to him beacause you have lost trust in him and no longer feel safe, a natural reaction.

There is also your very palpable dissapointment of him, the nature of his conversations does sound seedy, suggestive and well, quite frankly scummy, no woman wants to feel that they are with someone who is quite so base.
He's obviously trying to brush it off as banter, mucky lads talk, talking to a lad's lass but this seems built into his humour which sounds a bit low bar and unintellegent for you op, maybe you're just more sophisticated than him.

It's difficult when a different side of someone is revealed to you.
Don't think of this in any way your fault by feeling less than, it is his deficiency, you sound too good for him morally.

secsee · 08/03/2023 07:23

greenspaces4peace · 08/03/2023 02:02

Totally inappropriate to discuss nipples and libido with someone other than your partner.
He was goady and encouraged the conversation.
He’s being sleazy!
Your bar is set low, his morals are a poor example for your children.

You don't need to have a go at OP. It's very difficult to leave when it's "just" flirting over text. And there's so much at stake. She's staying because she thinks it's in the best interests of herself and her children for now.

Her children don't know their parents personal life and relationship issues.

secsee · 08/03/2023 07:27

Having said that, I would think about leaving when you're able to. He is beyond immature, o can't see how this can be fixed in therapy if 13 years and 3 kids this is how he behaves. Loving The attention of other woman

Alstothemarvshien · 08/03/2023 09:33

If a man who wasn't my partner had said he was getting a hard-on listening to my voice there would be no way on earth I would reply that I'd better do it more often then. Think about his response. It's basically saying that he likes it that the other person is turned on.
An appropriate response, if you didn't want to offend the other person saying they were turned-on, would be 'oh dear, moving on'. A much more appropriate response from him, seeing as he is in a relationship with you, OP, would be to tell her that he would appreciate it if she didn't respond like that, as its... inappropriate ... which obviously he knows it is!

WinterfellsStarbucksConcession · 08/03/2023 12:55

Dear OP, this sounds like a really difficult time for you and agree with other posters that your DH has overstepped the mark and let you down.
However I'm a firm believer that everyone deserves a second chance - particularly when you know beyond a doubt that this relationship hasn't progressed beyond on-line flirting.
If he's prepared to work hard to restore your faith in him and be completely open and honest about who he's talking to online and gives you access to his online conversations I would definitely give him the opportunity to redeem himself.
If I were you I'd walk away from this thread though because it sounds like you're going to give your marriage another go, for the sake of your children if nothing else, and the rabid LTB responses that you'll get on here are not going to be good for your mental health.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 08/03/2023 13:02

He told me he didnt see like that and that he was just trying to be nice.

Oh THAT's ok then.

I expect he can also show you reams of similar messages he has with hairy-arsed 14 stone men, because he's just trying to be nice to them?

He must think you were born yesterday.
Dump him for lack of respect, he won't change.

Carlycat · 08/03/2023 23:45

Trying to be nice my arse. He's a toe rag

Lucia36 · 21/03/2023 10:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Strainzer · 21/03/2023 10:21

Would bet he has done this kind of things before.

He's sorry he got caught.

NessVan · 21/03/2023 11:07

Definitely emotional betrayal. And I worry if he "can't see it" how often he makes these suggestive remarks to other women... that's single man behavior

Thisgirlcan21 · 21/03/2023 11:51

Deleting the apps is one thing but are they private messaging as well? Your gut feeling is what you need to listen to I think. If he knows you won’t leave he knows he can carry on. Let him know how you feel or how it would be if it was the other way around?

LooseGoose22 · 21/03/2023 12:12

“ i hope this isn’t inappropriate but that made my nips hard .....

lol, well maybe I should do that more often then".

"Oh I already have a huge sex labido that might put me over the edge”

"saw your post on instagram, you are looking reallllly good"

Sexting and very very heavy flirtation.

Its not far off cheating, I suppose it's a form of cheating

I was going to ask if you were doing this, how he'd view it and if "being nice" would be an acceptable excuse. I see he's given you a half assed, foolish "didnt see it from your perspective".

He shouldn't need you to point that out to know it's highly inappropriate and he shouldn't be getting into it in the first place.

I'd tell him that you suggest he finds his boundaries.... Based on what hed find acceptable behaviour from his partner and he better find them fast.

I don't t think he's trustworthy however.

LooseGoose22 · 21/03/2023 12:13

I expect he can also show you reams of similar messages he has with hairy-arsed 14 stone men, because he's just trying to be nice to them?

Yeah, exactly.

LooseGoose22 · 21/03/2023 12:15

Alstothemarvshien · 08/03/2023 09:33

If a man who wasn't my partner had said he was getting a hard-on listening to my voice there would be no way on earth I would reply that I'd better do it more often then. Think about his response. It's basically saying that he likes it that the other person is turned on.
An appropriate response, if you didn't want to offend the other person saying they were turned-on, would be 'oh dear, moving on'. A much more appropriate response from him, seeing as he is in a relationship with you, OP, would be to tell her that he would appreciate it if she didn't respond like that, as its... inappropriate ... which obviously he knows it is!

Yep.

He encouraged her.

He then encouraged her further by praising her looks and attractiveness in her next SM photo.

He is not faithful, even if they haven't met (yet) in person.

LooseGoose22 · 21/03/2023 12:20

“i hope this isn’t inappropriate but that made my nips hard ...

Does she know he's not single?

This is a very strange thing for a woman to do to an attached man unless she's perfectly happy to get into an affair of sorts.

She either doesn't know he's married or her "hope this isn't inappropriate" is totally and utterly disengenuous and bullshitty - because of course anyone knows that inappropriate to say to an attached man; "your voice turned me in so much, it made my nipples hard". You would never, in a month of Sundays, say that to man attached man unless you were ok with him essentially cheating with him in his wife; you wouldn't even say it to a single man unless you expected further sexting and possibly sexual contact in person etc.

LooseGoose22 · 21/03/2023 12:26

An appropriate response by an attached man to that would be distraction/discouragement/avoidance ... Like the poster said "moving quickly on!" Or something to that effect ... If you wanted to be nice & polite.

But let me point out that a woman wouldn't generally put something like that out there unless there was a build up .... Unless she knew she was unlikely to be humiliated and rejected with a shut down/dismissal.

Their interaction was clearly already very flirtatious and built up to that.

This is all definitely a type of infidelity, no matter the lack of physical contact so far.

I'll tell you where it would go next, from experience, if you hadn't found the messages; exchanging sexual pics of their bodies, genitals etc.

He's already possibly leading up to that with the high praise of her SM photos; next she'd be sending him personal ones, not suitable for SM.

LooseGoose22 · 21/03/2023 12:29

*unless you were ok with essentially cheating with him on his wife