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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is this cheating?

91 replies

wb73117 · 07/03/2023 16:19

I recently caught my husband exchanging flirty albeit jokey messages with another woman on a social media platform.

Two of the messages that were harder for me she said “ i hope this isn’t inappropriate but that made my nips hard” she was referring to a voice message he had left. In the voice message he wasnt saying anything inappropriate she was saying that the sound of his voice did that. He responded with “lol, well maybe I should do that more often then 😉” She responded with “ oh I already have a huge sex labido that might put me over the edge” Later on he messaged her and said “ saw your post on instagram, you are looking reallllly good 😉”

He told me he didnt see like that and that he was just trying to be nice. I feel somewhat betrayed because I would never feel comfortable having a conversation like that with someone other than him.

I guess I just dont know how to move forward and looking for advice.

OP posts:
Eeiliethya · 07/03/2023 17:58

I would dump over this.

sealon82 · 07/03/2023 18:01

He sounds gross.And he's gaslighting you into thinking you can't call out his shitty behaviour.
Start texting his mates that they make your nipples hard and see if he thinks your just being friendly (half joking)
I'd be done if this was my husband.

sealon82 · 07/03/2023 18:05

He did apologise for not seeing my perspective.
The poor little thing. He just didn't understand before you pointed it out that he's a massive prick.

Userengage · 07/03/2023 18:10

He needed this pointed out to him? I would be so turned off by him after this.

user7890 · 07/03/2023 18:15

He told me he didnt see like that and that he was just trying to be nice

So he'd be perfectly happy if you had a similar exchange with a random man?

Original poster
wb73117 · 07/03/2023 18:54

I feel like I need to say that they were talking about cartoon characters that they thought were hot and he was doing that voice of that character she found hot when she said “ it made her nips hard” he then started every voice message sounding like that character.
There is a part of me thats like its a harmless joke but the sexual undertones and the fact he told her that she is looking reallllly good 😉 after that conversation… pushed it from fun banter to something further

OP posts:
Jodielou5972 · 07/03/2023 19:02

wb73117 · 07/03/2023 18:54

I feel like I need to say that they were talking about cartoon characters that they thought were hot and he was doing that voice of that character she found hot when she said “ it made her nips hard” he then started every voice message sounding like that character.
There is a part of me thats like its a harmless joke but the sexual undertones and the fact he told her that she is looking reallllly good 😉 after that conversation… pushed it from fun banter to something further

Sounds like you're trying to convince yourself here, and justify his behaviour 🤷🏻‍♀️

Watchkeys · 07/03/2023 19:12

It doesn't matter what's right or wrong, OP. You're not happy and that's how it is.

What would be the ideal resolution here, for you? What do you want to happen to conclude this episode?

secsee · 07/03/2023 19:12

wb73117 · 07/03/2023 18:54

I feel like I need to say that they were talking about cartoon characters that they thought were hot and he was doing that voice of that character she found hot when she said “ it made her nips hard” he then started every voice message sounding like that character.
There is a part of me thats like its a harmless joke but the sexual undertones and the fact he told her that she is looking reallllly good 😉 after that conversation… pushed it from fun banter to something further

OP- this makes absolutely zero difference. The context of voice note was never the problem.

The problem is she's telling your husband that he aspires her and that she has a high libido to introduce sex into the conversation.

And instead of saying 'not interested, I'm married', not replying, or even just giving a generic reply like a 'lol' or '😂', he directly encourages her. He is betraying you deliberately.

secsee · 07/03/2023 19:14

I know it's hard to leave over something like this. You tel using there's another explanation. That he hasn't actually cheated.

But this man will cheat on you if he hasn't already. He is flirting with this woman like an idiotic teen boy. Don't even understand how this guy has a wife.

Moser85 · 07/03/2023 19:17

I'd consider this to be cheating.

Would he think you were just being 'nice' if a man commented you made his dick hard and you said you should do that more often 😡 No he wouldn't.

SomePeopleAreJustBloodyStupid · 07/03/2023 19:18

It's not actually cheating, but it's a sign that he would like to have sex with someone else

Newstartonwards · 07/03/2023 19:20

It’s cheating and disgusting.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/03/2023 19:31

Yes it’s cheating
sorry 😞

jerseybean1000 · 07/03/2023 19:39

That isn't even a close call, sorry

cosmicfig · 07/03/2023 20:02

I would consider this cheating - personally. It’s also totally disrespectful to you and like another poster said he is not discouraging her which is unacceptable. I feel for you in this situation - not nice at all :(

MsDogLady · 07/03/2023 20:43

He could have easily shut down the sleazy talk out of respect for you and himself, but chose not to. He enjoyed their sexual frisson, so repeatedly gave OW a thrill by speaking in his ‘hot’ voice, and then reached out to admire her looks.

WB, you and H apparently have incompatible values. He has weak, porous boundaries which enable him to pursue illicit gratification and ego validation from other women. He clearly laps it up.

This wasn’t the first time and it won’t be the last. Are you going to set any effective consequences for his faithless behavior?

MsDogLady · 07/03/2023 21:07

Should read: Are you going to set any effective consequences for his faithless behavior? Or will you decide to move on because this is not kind of marriage you want to stay in?

letthatmango · 07/03/2023 21:40

No excuses. This is cheating. It’s sleazy and gross and crosses boundaries.

FiddleLeaf · 07/03/2023 21:43

I would consider it cheating in my relationship & I wouldn’t dream of doing it behind my partner’s back because I respect him and I don’t want to bang anyone else.

bamboonights · 07/03/2023 21:47

Tiredmum100 · 07/03/2023 16:22

That is flirting, sorry. I would be so upset if my dh did that. Personally if my dh did that I would feel he was testing the waters, or starting an emotional affair.

This. It's flirting, inappropriately. I dint know why people automatically assume it's cheating. Your husband needs to learn how to shut down inappropriate flirting.

defi · 07/03/2023 21:47

Bet he isn't "nice" to his male friends like that

username1722 · 07/03/2023 23:02

He told me he didnt see like that and that he was just trying to be nice.

If that's what he classes as being nice, I'd dread to think what actual flirting is.

He's clearly flirting with her. I wouldn't class it as cheating but it's irrelevant anyway as it's still hugely disrespectful. And then him telling her she looks really good.

I'd get rid of him.

You're making a lot of excuses for him but the bottom line is, he wants to flirt with other women, he wants to have sex with other women, and he is trying to minimise what he has done.

He should have ended the conversation when she made the inappropriate comment. Instead, he engaged in it because he likes the attention. Sure, he may never get to meet up with her because she lives far away. But, next time, it could be someone he knows. This has got cheater potential written all over it.

MsDogLady · 07/03/2023 23:39

It’s cheating to me because he interacted on a sexual level with this OW and then expressed his attraction to her. He’s interested and she knows it. Certainly online infidelity can be just as damaging to the primary relationship as meeting up in person.

Moser85 · 07/03/2023 23:41

bamboonights · 07/03/2023 21:47

This. It's flirting, inappropriately. I dint know why people automatically assume it's cheating. Your husband needs to learn how to shut down inappropriate flirting.

Show quote history

It's not that people assume it's cheating.
It's having a different bar for cheating.

For many, inappropriate flirty or sexual messages are considered cheating.