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Original poster

Partner may be in love with another woman

83 replies

greyisdull · 06/03/2023 17:07

I have no proof just my gut and some sketchy behaviours.
Can you read and give me your honest opinion please.

He thinks she is the bees knees.
He's always texting her .. memes and funny's and then more serious stuff related to work.
He tells her about us.
He tells her our plans.
He hugs her and I've heard hold her hand when out together.
I was told that on a night out he spent all his time at the bar with her despite lots of others in the party.
I've heard he's had his arm around her , Like protecting her in the rain and on nights out.
I've only met her a handful of times where he is very attentive but attends to me more.
She is widowed and older.
Not his type at all.

OP posts:
cillygelly · 06/03/2023 17:17

How much older is she and how does he know her? Whats their official connection or relation? How long has he known her? Has he had female friends before that he was very close to? Do you know if he cheated in the past?

cillygelly · 06/03/2023 17:21

He thinks she is the bees knees.
That's your opinion hard to know if he takes it too far

He's always texting her .. memes and funny's and then more serious stuff
related to work.
Some people are texters does he text everyone like this? Does he show you the texts or hiding his phone and cagey with it?
He tells her about us.
He tells her our plans.
That's just normal friends talking

He hugs her and I've heard hold her hand when out together.
It depends on the hug type, friendly or polite or more. You heard from whom? That's fishy but what is your source and do you trust them?

I was told that on a night out he spent all his time at the bar with her despite lots of others in the party.
Some people stick to their friends and hate mingling in big groups. I've had guys have a crush on me and avoided me, talking to everyone but me.

I've heard he's had his arm around her , Like protecting her in the rain and on nights out.
You've heard from whom? It could be flirting.
I've only met her a handful of times where he is very attentive but attends to me more.
I don't see what's wrong with this.
She is widowed and older.
Some guys don't mind older. Could be feeling sorry for her? IDK
Not his type at all.
Means nothing, men are programmed to fancy and have sex with different looks as part of biology and procreation drive. People can and do fall for others not their usual type.

motherofkevinnotperry · 06/03/2023 17:44

If he's a protective and tactile person I wouldn't be bothered by any of it. Maybe she's good fun and nice to be around. I have male friends who hug me and rest their arm around me as a sign of affection. Good friends of DH do it in front of him on occasion and it's ok. It doesn't mean they want me! They know who I go home to at the end of the night.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 06/03/2023 17:46

Holding hands?

Er, yeah. He sounds smitten. I would ask him plainly.

Leopardlives · 06/03/2023 17:53

No idea OP, but as I’ve got a bit of this from my boyfriend I’m watching with interest

Original poster
greyisdull · 06/03/2023 18:10

He is very huggy and affectionate.
I think he feels sorry for her but t something tells me it's more than that. When we met first a few years ago he never stopped talking about her. He was definitely smitten then and I had to put my foot down with the messages and calls.
He even wanted to bring her to our home( his house but still) and to go out with her whileI was at work. I put my foot down then too.
Since she has been widowed, his contact and protectiveness has started all over again.
Up to that there was not much contact between them.
I know from a friend of a friend that he has his arm around her in more than one occasion and was holding her hand when they walked but she was wearing high boots .
Maybe I'm paranoid but I still can't see the attraction.

OP posts:
Leopardlives · 06/03/2023 18:25

That is strange OP. Do you think he realises he is doing it? Is she very needy? Does he have a strong sense of obligation? Whatever it is this wouldn’t be ok with me. Even if he is the rare man who is oblivious to how this looks, he’s still giving out the wrong signal to the rest of the world

Original poster
greyisdull · 06/03/2023 19:13

He is one of those men who is very affectionate and warm.
It is him who initiated contact I think, not out of obligation but if he seems something funny or interested she is the first he sends things to.
Maybe they're just really close. I know that they've confided in each of ther and because they work in a high stress environment and in the same team , they definitely bounce off one another.
I don't know of this is relevant or not because it's not really an issue for me, but we have an asexual relationship.
He is not sexually attracted to any woman but does enjoy physical
Closeness like kissing and hugging.
I've accepted this from the beginnng.

OP posts:
AllOfThemWitches · 06/03/2023 19:23

If you said 'she's young and attractive' instead of 'she's older and widowed and not his type' NOBODY would be suggesting he wasn't having an emotional affair.

Original poster
greyisdull · 06/03/2023 19:24

I don't understand @AllOfThemWitches ? She is older and widowed and really, she is not his type at all!

OP posts:
BHRK · 06/03/2023 19:26

Somebody doesn’t have to fit your type for you to fall for them. Sometimes you just do. Why don’t you just ask him?

AllOfThemWitches · 06/03/2023 19:28

greyisdull · 06/03/2023 19:24

I don't understand @AllOfThemWitches ? She is older and widowed and really, she is not his type at all!

If he's a protective and tactile person I wouldn't be bothered by any of it.

Yes, my point is, you wouldn't be getting comments like the above if she was younger and exactly his type.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 06/03/2023 19:31

I've no experience of asexual relationships but surely those relationships have red lines too such as 'no holding hands with another woman in the street'?

Are you asexual too, OP. None of my business so feel free not to answer.

IfIHadAHeart · 06/03/2023 19:39

How recently was she widowed?

cillygelly · 06/03/2023 19:46

So they have history and he was smitten in the past but you forbade contact and he obliged but the contact resurfaced now she's widowed and single.
To be honest I'm not familiar with asexual adults, I've heard of it but I don't understand it. I understand loss of libido or reduced libido but I don't get asexuality and for that I don't know how asexuals process flirting, intimacy and physical contact because as a hot blooded woman (ha! been dying to say this, but seriously) when I'm attracted to a man the slightest hand touch can turn me on. Even so, if he has no sexual desire and a relationship is doing everything as a couple, hugging, holding hands then what is the difference between the intimacy between a friend and a girlfriend? It's just weird now sex is off the equation it also makes not his type comment irrelevant really because he clearly likes her personality well enough and as a person enough to withstand physical touch....

I know my comment is all over the place, just had dinner and feeling sleepy... but really if you aren't normally a jealous, possessive person even with women who are more his type then you can trust yourself. If you are always possessive and insecure then I would say think and observe more. however you can and should be able to be open with your boyfriend about the level of contact.

The fact he sees things and thinks of her means she's on his mind always in the background and he reignites communication each time he finds a reminder.. could it be an excuse to talk to her? And as what... IDK.

Do you think she knows of his asexuality and do you know if she would be like you accepting of this?

Tulip2478 · 06/03/2023 20:06

AllOfThemWitches · 06/03/2023 19:23

If you said 'she's young and attractive' instead of 'she's older and widowed and not his type' NOBODY would be suggesting he wasn't having an emotional affair.

Completely agree! Something I noticed straight away!

TimeForThunder · 06/03/2023 20:07

Excuse my bluntness, OP (sometimes it's helpful), but I don't understand the difference between your relationship with him and hers except that:

(i) you happen to live with him; and (but)
(ii) by your account she seems to be his default person he wants to share things with. It sounds like they may be closer than you and he are at this point?

So isn't he really in a relationship with her now while you are his housemate? If not, isn't he in a relationship (as far as he ever goes in one) with both of you simultaneously?

Even telling me why I'm wrong might help you tease out what's going on and your feelings about it.

Original poster
greyisdull · 06/03/2023 20:13

We are a couple, not housemates !!!
We are intimate just not sexually.
I can't put my finger on it. I think he has her on a pedestal.

OP posts:
SomeareDeluded · 06/03/2023 20:20

Sounds like he has (re) discovered his sexuality with this OW.

Leopardlives · 06/03/2023 20:20

OP I don’t know what is going on with these men but I am so interested. What was his relationship like with his mother?

Original poster
greyisdull · 06/03/2023 20:28

He isn't sexually interested in ANYONE. He has no interest in sex . He admires boobs etc but that's it.
He is extremely close to his mum and all of his family.
When he's not with me , he is normally with thrm. He goes back up to his folks a lot. We all holiday together also.
Why did you ask about his mum @Leopardlives ?

OP posts:
Leopardlives · 06/03/2023 21:11

Just because it sounds like he’s got weirdly close to this needy older woman and maybe it reminds him of his mum, I suppose

Original poster
greyisdull · 06/03/2023 21:17

Perhaps .. but they were closer before we met. My worries are that he is getting very close to her again since she became widowed a few years ago.
He said she shut down for a couple of f years but it seems like the previous version of herself is coming back lately.
They didn't unfriend but definitely were not as close as when we first met.
His mum is 25 years older than her !

OP posts:
Leopardlives · 06/03/2023 21:21

Well then I think he fancies her, sorry (in whatever version of fancying someone he does). Or loves her.

username1722 · 06/03/2023 21:39

He hugs her and I've heard hold her hand when out together.

If that bit is true, get rid. The rest of it can possibly be explained innocently. The holding hands thing though, big no-no.

For me, I would walk away. He's hardly going to stop being friends with her, and it sounds like he's not going to reassure you either. So you can either keep living like this or move on.