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Original poster

Partner may be in love with another woman

83 replies

greyisdull · 06/03/2023 17:07

I have no proof just my gut and some sketchy behaviours.
Can you read and give me your honest opinion please.

He thinks she is the bees knees.
He's always texting her .. memes and funny's and then more serious stuff related to work.
He tells her about us.
He tells her our plans.
He hugs her and I've heard hold her hand when out together.
I was told that on a night out he spent all his time at the bar with her despite lots of others in the party.
I've heard he's had his arm around her , Like protecting her in the rain and on nights out.
I've only met her a handful of times where he is very attentive but attends to me more.
She is widowed and older.
Not his type at all.

OP posts:
Leopardlives · 06/03/2023 21:41

Genuinely what is wrong with some men. He knows it crosses your boundaries because of what you’ve previously said but is doing it anyway— horrid

Summer2424 · 06/03/2023 21:43

Hi @greyisdull it doesn't sound like he's having an affair. I can kind of see what he's doing. It's like being in a content relationship but also having the freedom to have a friendship with this woman.
Personally it would piss me off, speak to him but be calm about it, one thing i would say is would he like it if you had a friendship like that with a man.
Hope things get sorted xx

Riverlee · 06/03/2023 21:45

Reading your post, one of two options sprung to mind.

Firstly, he could be playing the Mr Comforter role, ie. Helping an old friend in a time if need, and the hugs and holding hands could just be a comforting touch. Maybe he subconsciously enjoys playing this role, je being able to help etc.

Alternatively, it’s developed into an emotional (and physical, if only kissing) situation. Maybe the first option has led to the second. I would be Upset if my partner was holding hands with another woman.

pompei8309 · 06/03/2023 21:46

greyisdull · 06/03/2023 19:24

I don't understand @AllOfThemWitches ? She is older and widowed and really, she is not his type at all!

You might be surprised what his type is , it seems that she’s definitely his type, don’t be so gullible

FiddleLeaf · 06/03/2023 21:49

If you have ‘to put your foot down’ you’re dating a child not a man.

Also, I’m sure I’ve read something similar on here before.

Original poster
greyisdull · 06/03/2023 21:55

Btw we are not kids.she is 50 and he is nearly 40.
I am early 30 so doesn't make sense that there is anything more than friendship but it is intense and my gut is off about it. He is very kind and caring so he may be comforter specially when she has been down in the dumps and he has been there through it all.

OP posts:
DorisParchment · 06/03/2023 21:57

A friend of mine, who is tall, bright and very good looking has just got engaged to a woman who is 10 years older than him, at least a size 30, and has four teeth. He looks at her as if he has won the jackpot. Having known his first wife (who died, and was this woman’s polar opposite) I would also have thought that there was nothing going on between them, as she wasn’t his type.

Original poster
greyisdull · 06/03/2023 21:59

I could have done without that last reply thanks.

OP posts:
MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 06/03/2023 22:02

she is 50 and he is nearly 40. I am early 30 so doesn't make sense that there is anything more than friendship

But men fall for women who 'aren't their type' or 'can't possibly be their type' all the time. Listen to your gut and talk to him.

Freetodowhatiwant · 06/03/2023 22:12

she is 50 and he is nearly 40. I am early 30 so doesn't make sense that there is anything more than friendship

I know this isn’t the point but I wouldn’t let the age difference make you think there isn’t anything going on. Why would you think he wouldn’t be with someone ten years older? It happens regularly as well as the other way around. Not sure if that’s what is happening in this case but it’s not a vast age difference. The same as yours and his. Just because she’s the woman and older it doesn’t mean he’s not interested, it’s quite common!

Aquamarine1029 · 06/03/2023 22:24

Are you actually happy being in an asexual relationship?

Original poster
greyisdull · 06/03/2023 22:26

I love him more than I love sex so I have accepted that and we are intimate in other ways.

OP posts:
cillygelly · 06/03/2023 22:28

DorisParchment · 06/03/2023 21:57

A friend of mine, who is tall, bright and very good looking has just got engaged to a woman who is 10 years older than him, at least a size 30, and has four teeth. He looks at her as if he has won the jackpot. Having known his first wife (who died, and was this woman’s polar opposite) I would also have thought that there was nothing going on between them, as she wasn’t his type.

I was thinking about this very thing off the op's comment that this woman isn't his usual type and I was thinking how some men seem to choose a mistress or a next wife or girlfriend who is either the polar opposite or and I'm sorry for sounding like a pig, objectively a lesser conventionally attractive woman (the upgrade downgrade joke)
What do you think your friend has seen in this lady? Because I haven't personally known something this dramatic happening but known and seen choosing someone a bit less attractive but not to this extent.

PhantomOfTheAquarium · 06/03/2023 22:29

greyisdull · 06/03/2023 21:55

Btw we are not kids.she is 50 and he is nearly 40.
I am early 30 so doesn't make sense that there is anything more than friendship but it is intense and my gut is off about it. He is very kind and caring so he may be comforter specially when she has been down in the dumps and he has been there through it all.

The age gap between you and him is the same between him and her.
From how you've described your relationship, there's not much left for him to do for it to be "cheating" barring perhaps moving in with her. I think your guy feeling of something being wrong is more to do with your relationship than theirs.

Leopardlives · 06/03/2023 22:30

I read something about the “hero complex” and I wonder if this applies to him. If she just presses his rescuer button

Original poster
greyisdull · 06/03/2023 22:37

But I don't think it's a hero complex thing@ Leopardlives.
He just thinks she is the shit. He lights up when talks about her, thinks she's hilarious and clever and all of these things he spouts on about. He talks about her like she is some amazing woman but never in a sexual way.
Like she is a fabulous older sister. An older sister he spends most of his work time and team nights out withthough and then has held her hand and hugging her constantly when he's pissed up in her company. That's rubbish to me but his defence is that they're amazing friends for years and years. He has a good point.
I'm confused.

OP posts:
Leopardlives · 06/03/2023 22:40

I’m really starting to dislike him OP. I can’t escape the feeling he’s taking up a space that could be held by someone who thought you were the bees knees

Original poster
greyisdull · 06/03/2023 22:40

Btw she is super independent from what he says about her and very busy with kids and work and hobbies and I know It's him who will often say ... oh I must send this to 'Yoni' she would find it hilarious....
he is quite comfortable talking about her to me yet keeps her away from our social life.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 06/03/2023 22:41

You are far too young to be putting up with this. No man is worth what you are going through.

Leopardlives · 06/03/2023 22:42

The only other thing is if she’s more powerful at work and it’s a kind of nepotism

Original poster
greyisdull · 06/03/2023 22:44

They are equals at work. Both management in long term roles.
It's painful to figure.

OP posts:
Leopardlives · 06/03/2023 22:54

I think just ask him. ‘Why are you all over Brenda?’

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 06/03/2023 22:54

Seems to me like he adores her but it’s a very very close friend thing. I bristled slightly when you were aghast he wanted to invite his friend to his home (you made the point it’s his but I appreciate it’s now your home too). What was so wrong with this? I’ve a male friend (he’s married) that I chat to at least 4 times a week, meet for dinner a few times a year and who would hold my hand if I was wearing heels I couldn’t walk in. All completely innocent but we adore each other.

MsDogLady · 06/03/2023 22:58

Hmm. The Friend’s version of this triangle was detailed in a thread from 1/31.

Now we have the Partner’s version.

One of these must be a reverse.

Is the Friend wondering if he is once again ‘smitten’?

TheEverlovingFork · 06/03/2023 22:59

"He just thinks she is the shit. He lights up when talks about her, thinks she's hilarious and clever and all of these things he spouts on about. He talks about her like she is some amazing woman but never in a sexual way."

The 'never in a sexual way' means nothing though if he is asexual? Sorry, but it sounds like he loves her.