Partner may be in love with another woman

[greyisdull]

I have no proof just my gut and some sketchy behaviours.
Can you read and give me your honest opinion please.

He thinks she is the bees knees.
He's always texting her .. memes and funny's and then more serious stuff related to work.
He tells her about us.
He tells her our plans.
He hugs her and I've heard hold her hand when out together.
I was told that on a night out he spent all his time at the bar with her despite lots of others in the party.
I've heard he's had his arm around her , Like protecting her in the rain and on nights out.
I've only met her a handful of times where he is very attentive but attends to me more.
She is widowed and older.
Not his type at all.

He doesn't see any issue with his friendship with her but is clever enough to arrange their social life around my work also.

“The 'never in a sexual way' means nothing though if he is asexual?”

This. Honestly, OP - since he’s not sexual with you either (which you tolerate because you love him, not because you’re asexual), then there’s really very little to distinguish the relationship he has with you from the relationship he has with her. This all sounds like bullshit. You’re not really on the same page. You’re not naturally asexual. This guy’s a headfuck and, as a PP said, getting in the way of you finding a partner who truly wants to be with you. Other than perhaps as a purely platonic friend, he sounds like a waste of your time.

Reading with intrigue

She's his type.

He's also been disrespecting you, the relationship, and acting inappropriately.

Why do you stay?

Leave and find someone else who will be genuinely interested in only you and who will treat you well ..or be single for awhile.

His behaviors aren't going to stop.

Is he really asexual, or just not having sex with you??

He's in love with her, and you have known the entire duration of your relationship..

You said when you met years ago, he wouldn't stop talking about her, communicated with her frequently.

Why did you continue a relationship with a man that was smitten over another woman??

Low self esteem and self respect??? Loneliness.

There billions of men who are single and truly available who will treat you well ..

Go find one.

First, you have to work on your self esteem issues and other issues perhaps in therapy.

You let years pass by.

You don't know your worth nor do you love yourself.

You deserve better. But you will never strive for better if this is what you feel you deserve

He’s most likely not asexual just simply because most people aren’t. Is he maybe gay? Either way he is completely disrespecting you with the closeness in their relationship. Don’t put up with a sexless relationship at 30 in any event when you aren’t asexual

From what I've understood of asexual relationships, the other forms of physical intimacy are really important - so the hugging, tactile gestures and hand holding etc.

The issue here is all those intimacies are now being shared with this other woman - which in an asexual relationship is surely much more of an infidelity?

He's attentive to her, physically affectionate to her, contacts her first with thoughtful or funny messages, and they "bounce off each other" - I'm so sorry OP but I'm struggling to see how this relationship is any different from what you have with him....?

Other than the fact that you presumably still sleep in the same bed together, there's no difference between the intimacy he shares with you, and what he shares with her.

I'm genuinely sorry to sound so brutal - you're too young to throw your life away on someone who doesn't treat you as his number one woman. Do you feel as if you could think about your options and what a different relationship might bring you instead?

She clearly is his type otherwise he wouldn’t be so smitten.
Maybe you just think that because of her age and the way she looks, but you can’t say not his type because people have different types depending on looks and personality as separate things.

Why? Because she's older? What a strange thing to say.

I think none of us will be able to tell you if he really fancies her or not.

I would not think the age difference would be a reason for him not to like her (it's also not huge).

It doesn't sound like you are happy and I think it's a bit weird that someone that important in his life is being kept away from you.

I would have a conversation with him about how it makes you feel. If you are not happy with his response, perhaps you should consider your options.

Also, have you posted before? I read couple of threads recently that sounded very similar.

@MsDogLady where is that 31/1 thread?

It sounds like he has 2 girlfriends

H is like this with SIL - I don’t have an issue with it at all.

@cillygelly

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4732688-close-male-friends-partner-doesnt-seem-to-like-me?page=1

This new thread feels like a reverse to me, like the Friend is seeking validation that she is his priority.

Seeing as he’s apparently a-sexual, he sounds just as ‘intimate’ with her as he is with you. Perhaps even more so…

Why are you tolerating any of this? It’s fucked up.

Op, please open your eyes.
He's having you for a fool.

If you said 'she's young and attractive' instead of 'she's older and widowed and not his type' NOBODY would be suggesting he wasn't having an emotional affair. this. I had a thread on here recently about my dp’s association with a much younger woman, constant mentioning, constant texting, and that was the exact response from many posters.
In terms of it being an asexual relationship, surely then there’s no difference between physical intimacy at home and physical intimacy with someone else e.g. holding hands, hugging etc? In fact I would have thought that in an asexual relationship it would be much easier to cross the line since it’s so much easier to start with holding hands etc as you usually lead up to sex.

Yes I agree.

Ahh reading that thread, I think you're right.

Ignoring all of this, you are in your early 30s and have settled for a man who doesn't want to have sex with you, is a decade older, and spends all his time hanging out with other women.

Why is that satisfactory?

I think a 30 year old cannot comprehend a 40 year old man finding a 50 year old more attractive than them. However that is because they are naive.
My grandmother was 12 years older than my grandfather. Until he met me, my DP had mostly dated older than him throughout his life (we are the same age) and my last 2 relationships were with men over a decade younger.

You do not have sex and he sounds to be in love with another woman as well, having a very similar relationship that you both have.

He is incredibly disrespectful to you both

@MsDogLady Oh my God it all makes sense now! Thank you for digging it out.

I hope that this man is worth all the time you're spending obsessively thinking about him, composing reverse threads etc.

(Spoiler, he's not)

I was worried by the holding hands….but you then mentioned OP that it’s when he’s had some drink.
So I wouldn’t be so concerned as lots of people hug and get emotional when they’ve had too much drink.
I would be concerned if all the hand holding happened when sober though.

Not sure I agree with PP who mentioned given your marriage there’s not much reason to call it cheating. Im guessing this is alluding to you not having sex. Cheating is cheating, it’s an inappropriate relationship with another person whilst that person is in a relationship with someone else. Whatever sort of relationship you have with your dh is your business. If you were not happy with the arrangement then I dare say you’d have another thread here. Lots of men and women aren’t bothered by sex, such relationships work because two compatible people have found each other.

I think, he’s just the very friendly sort. She’s a mate. She could be a he. Would that worry you less. Just because she is a she shouldn't matter. Most of my friends are males because of the industry I work in.