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Original poster

‘Waiting’ for proposal - WWYD?

102 replies

Juliana12 · 06/03/2023 12:12

Random name chosen for this post because I don’t want any friends or family to come across it.

Backstory: been with DP several years. I mentioned that I want to get married about a year ago but he wasn’t too keen. I don’t doubt his commitment because he strongly wants us to start a family and made some major investments into our future (sorry to be vague). Anyway, I brought the topic up again about six months ago and made it clear that it’s important to me. He said he’s happy to get married to me, because he wants me to be happy. I tried to make some plans with him for our wedding in early January, but he didn’t really want to talk about it then. I mentioned it again last week and he brushed it off again, but this time he said he has some plans himself.

A couple of days ago I found a receipt from a jewellery store for a diamond ring (spring clean, not snooping). I was happy at first and thought that he probably just wanted to propose properly before making wedding plans. I didn’t really expect a proposal because we already had discussed and agreed that we’d get married but I appreciate the gesture, of course.
But then I saw that the receipt was dated early January, this made me a bit worried about what happened to the ring he bought, until I found the ring hidden among his things (definitely snooping).

I get that he wants to wait for the right time, but it’s 2 months now since he bought this ring and there was a valentines Day plus another important date in our lives inbetween, both would have been great opportunities if he wants to propose.

WWYD? Wait patiently for however long it takes and not mention wedding plans in the meantime? I don’t want to tell him that I found it..but I already start to overthink it, did he get cold feet?

OP posts:
CheersForThatEh · 06/03/2023 12:21

Hownold are you and what are your circumstances? Kids? Time together?

It sounds a bit like you're marching him up the aisle and he might like to feel a bit like it was partly his idea.

The more you push the longer it will take.

What do you mean, you were worried about the ring? Do you think he had sold it or proposed to someone else? Can you articulate your worry?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/03/2023 12:30

Please don't go down the kids and other imvestment he mentions route until you are married. Many men don't want the commitment of marriage yet seem keen to have kids. The cynic in me thinks this is because walking away from a marriage hurts them financially. Walking away from a child doesn't usually cost them a penny (apart from cms if claimed).

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/03/2023 12:34

You’ve been living together for years, when will it ever be the right time for him?. You’re both adults and it is not the 1900’s, you should be able to talk to him openly about future plans including marriage.

He however, was not keen 12 months ago and could still be leading you up the garden path here.

I would actually consider if you want to remain in a relationship with this man.

EarthFireAirWater · 06/03/2023 12:36

Do you have any other important dates coming up soon? Any planned holidays this summer?
I would probably try and stay quiet until then but if nothing happens then I would definitely mention the wedding plans again.
This gives him plenty of time and opportunities to propose.

Original poster
Juliana12 · 06/03/2023 12:39

@CheersForThatEh mid 30s, no kids yet, 5 years together. Yes, fair to say that I’m marching him down the aisle. I told him that I want to be married before starting a family with him, and he agreed, so I started to make plans. I’m taking matters in my own hand because frankly I don’t want to waste my fertile years. If he’s not on the same page then that’s fine, but I asked him for a decision.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 06/03/2023 12:40

Sorry, OP, I think this is a shit situation.
You've tried to talk about marriage and he's brushed you off.
But he wants children. For fucks sakes don't have children with him before/without marriage.
What are your accommodation and financial arrangements? Does he benefit financially by having you as a house-share person, with sex on the side?
He's bought a ring. But has had two months in which to give it to you, and hasn't.

So.

If you aren't financially entangled, pack up and go. If he cares, he'll come after you. But don't hold your breath.

Original poster
Juliana12 · 06/03/2023 12:41

@AttilaTheMeerkat yes, that was my worry when he brushed off the wedding planning, but since he has actually bought a ring I think there must be some intention there now…

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 06/03/2023 12:41

Oh, and if you press him and get a marriage, he will throw it back at you for the rest of your life, "You pressured me into getting married! Waah, waaah, waah."

Northlights22 · 06/03/2023 12:41

Do not live with him or have kids with him until he wants to marry you

Original poster
Juliana12 · 06/03/2023 12:43

@EarthFireAirWater a holiday coming up , but it won’t be just us on this holiday. But I’ll consider waiting a bit more to see what his plans are, thank you 🙂

OP posts:
workshy46 · 06/03/2023 12:47

At least you don't have kids with him. I would set a date in your head for the proposal and if he doesn't by then walk away and don't look back. You will end up wasting the best years of you life on him otherwise. The reality is when they really love you they are the ones marching you up the aisle unless there is a major back story. He loves you but I suspect just not enough

Original poster
Juliana12 · 06/03/2023 12:47

To all those who say don’t have kids before you get married…no worries, I won’t. That’s why we had a serious conversation last year about marriage, and I told him that I need us to be on the same page here. But him buying a ring sounds like we (finally) might be, I would say.

OP posts:
Knickerthief1 · 06/03/2023 12:48

Sounds to me like he wants to think it's his idea and not a straight reaction to you asking. I wouldn't mention it anymore and give him another 3 or 4 months. If nothing happens then, maybe you need to reconsider.

OrlandointheWilderness · 06/03/2023 12:53

How long have you been together?

shattered25 · 06/03/2023 12:54

I'm in the same boat! No ring bought yet thought. But we both discussed it for next year, and all seemed keen and it was even mentioned to parents. But as soon as getting a ring is mentioned it all goes quiet. So I dropped it thinking perhaps I'm pushing him. But then I found him searching wedding venues on his phone??? So I mentioned it again and he says lets not worry about it yet... getting very mixed messages 😂

Purplecatshopaholic · 06/03/2023 12:57

Dont let him persuade you being engaged is good enough… it’s maybe a delaying tactic in the hope you stayed engaged until the end of time and you drop the wedding plan and just go straight to getting pregnant…

whattodo1975 · 06/03/2023 12:58

You do seem to be taking control of everything so can you not let him be in control of the proposal ?

Also i dont blame him for not proposing on valentine's day, i always think that is pretty cringe. You had no idea he had bought a ring until you went snooping so maybe give him benefit of the doubt as he might have something planned you also have no idea about.

Original poster
Juliana12 · 06/03/2023 12:58

Ohh, interesting @shattered25 ! Maybe those who suggested that guys want to have a the feeling that it’s ‘their’ idea have hit the nail on the head. Still I’m not entirely sure for how long I should wait and pretend I don’t know about this ring in his drawer…but we both have a busy month right now so I might do as some suggested and give it a bit more time

OP posts:
Motnight · 06/03/2023 13:02

Tell him that you aren't worried about an engagement and are happy with a quiet ceremony, see what his response is.

My concern would be that he will want a really long engagement!

Beachhutnut · 06/03/2023 13:04

Definitely don't mention it but have a date in your head ( a year?) By which if he hasn't asked you walk away.

Wexone · 06/03/2023 13:05

I only got married last year after nearly 20 years together, late 30's. Yes we had discussed it many a time in passing however i never once pressurized him to propose. When it did happen i was in shock, never expected it. Nor did anyone else. I didn't go snooping either. try and forget about the receipt, it could happen when you least expect it.

SirChenjins · 06/03/2023 13:17

Don’t fall for the the engagement ring trick of putting off a wedding indefinitely - I’ve seen that happen too often. OP, if you want to get married then you’re quite within your rights to say you want to be have a quiet wedding in the summer, you’re not interested in an engagement and take it from there. It’s 2023 - getting married is a joint decision, not one that you have to hang around for while you wait for him to be in the right headspace or the moon to be in Jupiter or whatever nonsense he comes out with. Getting married is a perfectly normal, natural thing to expect and want after five years together, especially if you’re talking children and finances/investments. A pp said quite rightly that it’s much easier to walk away from a joint life and children without much financial penalty if you’re not married - don’t settle for something you don’t want, life is too short.

Happyorchidlady · 06/03/2023 13:24

Slightly less exciting than finding a ring but my now hubby took me shopping to buy an engagement ring. I thought I’d get it there and then but he wanted to wait until the right time and surprise me. I had to wait a couple of months and it was in no way a magical engagement but it was the right time for him and that made it special for me. Wait… if he’s gone to the effort of buying a land hiding a ring, he’s clearly just waiting for when he thinks the right moment is to give it to you. And if it’s not magical when it does happen, just remember that it was right for him.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 06/03/2023 13:26

He quite clearly isn't ready to get married

You're mid 30s already, if you're waiting to get married before dc then you are cutting down your chances, in fact you are cutting them now.

I'm of the opinion that if someone wants to do something, they will do it. If they are procrastinating, then they either don't want to, or are not sure.

I'd be evaluating what you want from this man and if he's prepared to give it to you. Set a realistic time limit and stick to it.

Refereeme · 06/03/2023 13:26

You brought it up last year, six months ago and in January. You maybe feel a bit more relaxed about it now, because you have seen a ring and think it is coming. But he doesn’t know you have seen the ring does he, and yet he is still keeping you dangling.

I think for that reason, I would try to ignore that I have seen the ring and raise the matter again in whatever time frame you would have if you had not found it.