‘Waiting’ for proposal - WWYD?

[Juliana12]

Random name chosen for this post because I don’t want any friends or family to come across it.

Backstory: been with DP several years. I mentioned that I want to get married about a year ago but he wasn’t too keen. I don’t doubt his commitment because he strongly wants us to start a family and made some major investments into our future (sorry to be vague). Anyway, I brought the topic up again about six months ago and made it clear that it’s important to me. He said he’s happy to get married to me, because he wants me to be happy. I tried to make some plans with him for our wedding in early January, but he didn’t really want to talk about it then. I mentioned it again last week and he brushed it off again, but this time he said he has some plans himself.

A couple of days ago I found a receipt from a jewellery store for a diamond ring (spring clean, not snooping). I was happy at first and thought that he probably just wanted to propose properly before making wedding plans. I didn’t really expect a proposal because we already had discussed and agreed that we’d get married but I appreciate the gesture, of course.
But then I saw that the receipt was dated early January, this made me a bit worried about what happened to the ring he bought, until I found the ring hidden among his things (definitely snooping).

I get that he wants to wait for the right time, but it’s 2 months now since he bought this ring and there was a valentines Day plus another important date in our lives inbetween, both would have been great opportunities if he wants to propose.

WWYD? Wait patiently for however long it takes and not mention wedding plans in the meantime? I don’t want to tell him that I found it..but I already start to overthink it, did he get cold feet?

This OP.

Be careful of being strung along.

Having children with someone you had to drag down the isle?

Is that really what you think you deserve?

Is he really such a prize?🙄

The cynic in me wonders whether he meant for you to find the receipt... as a way of staving you off.

I've seen far far too many of these threads where women are kept dangling by men unwilling to commit.

The problem isn't whether he's changed his mind, has different views on marriage, has a specific way he wants it to happen. It's the fact he's shut down communication and brushes it all off.

Marriage or not lack of communication is not good in any relationship

Your fertile years are not infinite. You may have to make a choice about what's more important to you soon.

If you want to marry him, propose yourself.

Just get married. Tell him no proposals needed, you want to set a date today.

“You're mid 30s already, if you're waiting to get married before dc then you are cutting down your chances, in fact you are cutting them now.

I'm of the opinion that if someone wants to do something, they will do it. If they are procrastinating, then they either don't want to, or are not sure.

I'd be evaluating what you want from this man and if he's prepared to give it to you. Set a realistic time limit and stick to it.”

This.

And I really struggle with the idea that, in this day and age, the woman is supposed to dangle around waiting for the man to propose. This is a joint decision but he’s holding out on you while your fertility clock ticks down. Most men can father children into their 40s and beyond so this is much more time-sensitive for you.

All that said, we had children first because we felt more time pressure on that (I was mid-30s, he was early 40s) and it actually took us several years to get round to getting married but I wasn’t waiting for his proposal. We had agreed we would and when I said we needed to get the marriage done, we got it done. It didn’t really occur to me at the time that he could have refused and he didn’t but of course I did go ahead on trust and could have been caught out.

You may be hoping for a romantic proposal/engagement, but it won’t feel romantic if you find yourself struggling to conceive in a few years’ time. 5 years is long enough to know and mid-30s is old enough to be ready for children.

You’re 35, if you really want kids you either need to have them without getting married (especially if you’re the higher earner/with more assets! And then don’t give up work, split and find someone else or set a deadline in your mind and walk away if he doesn’t propose (and set a reasonable date). Don’t waste what’s left of your fertile years if children are important to you.

You’re both mid-thirties?! I’ve got bad news, your most fertile years are far behind you. Yes some women can get pregnant in their late thirties and even early forties but many can’t (I was fertile at 31 and infertile by 35). And even if you can have babies that late it’s much worse for you and the baby to wait, because of health risks.

I don’t give a shit if he wants to feel it’s his idea, his feelings about some reluctant proposal are not more important than the health of you and your future babies. Tell him you want to start trying asap after the wedding so you think this summer would be a wonderful time to marry and suggest a venue you like, see what he says.

Bloody hate these man-children.

I think it's worth waiting for a few more months since he has actually bought the ring! He's probably got a specific proposal in mind...

✅

Love this one 😆

In my experience OP these men who aren’t keen or don’t believe in marriage aren’t for changing. Two experiences spring to mind:

Many years ago I worked with a lovely lady who always dreamt of getting married. She dated a chap who didn’t want to get married. They spent years dating & splitting up over the issue. He bought her a beautiful ring. Twenty years on they are still together, children but no wedding. She ended up accepting it.

Second one was also a work colleague. Together six years, she wanted to get married he didn’t. In 2019 she came back from their holiday all excited as he’d bought a ring that they’d seen and liked. She waited & waited for the proposal. 2022 it still hasn’t materialised just the usual empty promises. It upsets her on a regular basis.

Think carefully about how important marriage is to you. If it’s a deal breaker I’d set a deadline of say six months, then walk. Personally I think he’s made his intentions clear.

How do you know? He may propose on the pending family holiday?

Jane Austen novels are very clear eyed on marriage being a financial contract

the OP is quite clearly not in a Jane Austen Novel otherwise she wouldn’t be living with a man without being married to him

I haven’t read the whole thread but if you want to get married before ttc and you’re mid 30s now then don’t wait too much longer. Bring it up to him again. Don’t mention the ring but have another serious conversation with him. Set a deadline for a time when you want to actually be married by.

Mid 30s isn’t too late for most people but is for some people and as you don’t have children you have no way of knowing. The older you get the harder it might be to conceive and the more chance of it ending in miscarriage. A lot of older women get pregnant, I’m one of those (38 and pregnant with my second) but I had 2 back to back miscarriages right before this pregnancy. I think likely because of my age although no way of knowing for sure. If you’re going to wait much longer and definitely 100% want children I would get some tests done privately to check your egg quality etc just in case you can’t afford to wait. You don’t want to end up resenting him down the line.

Just to offer a happy story, I waited long long years for a proposal while everyone told me to set a deadline etc etc. I knew we were completely right for each other and a proposal would come. It was perfect and surprising when it did.

but I was 30. You have less time. Give it a few months then call it: time for marriage and babies buttercup.

Honestly at this point in time I would just break up. He's had ample opportunity and discussions on the subject and even though he finally bought a ring after the last time you brought it up, he still hasn't done it and the only reason he has even bought the ring is because you are pushing it. It means he doesn't want to. And that sucks. Are you going to be happy when (IF is the bigger factor here) he finally does it? Knowing full well that he isn't actually excited to marry you?

There is nothing wrong at all with a woman bringing up the subject of marriage and making clear what she wants but the man should want the same thing. It should be a happy joint decision.

If you're adamant you want to be married then this guy is not the right choice for you and it would be a shame to carry on in this relationship. Otherwise one of you will compromise as he's clearly not on board with marriage and if one of you has to compromise then I hope resentment doesn't build down the line.

Why did you wait for a proposal?
Didn't you discuss your future together and marriage?.

Why do you want him to marry you when he basically told you he's only doing it to make you happy??

He doesn't want to get married.

Stop pressuring him.

Drop him and find someone who wants to marry you in due time..if a title is soo important to you.

If he marries you, you won't get a husband, you'll get a person with the title of husband.

It's been years and he keeps avoiding marriage because he doesn't want to do it.

Stop pressing him and respect him.

Stop snooping too.

You might get your feelings hurt when you may not find the ring anymore..

Have you thought about that he has other things planned? Maybe he wants to do it on a weekend away somewhere, or he wants to do it on a specific date in mind.
Or maybe the ring is a birthday present? At the end of the day you have a great DP :)

You've already waited for 'his plans' about YOUR future. You have discussed it.

Just start making arrangements with him. You'll know if he wants to do it or not.

Just leave it alone and stop pressuring him.

Either stay in the relationship or leave.

It's obvious that he doesn't want to get married nor have children.

Why do you feel entitled to this from him???

Also you don't have to be married to have children with anyone.

There are also many women who have children in their 40s 50s some beyond that.

He may have changed his mind about everything. He's allowed to.

If you found a ring and receipt doesn't mean that it was or is for you.

He may have brought it for someone else.

You don't need him to be a mother.

There are billions of available single men who would treat you well and actually would love to be your husband and conceive children with you.
Pick someone else...

Or get yourself together and be a single parent.

This relationship seems unhealthy and you two seem incompatible.

Also you're not being respectful of him and trying to coerce him into something that he doesn't want to genuinely do. This is abuse.

Also you're invading his privacy and personal space by snooping.

I think the fact he's got a ring shoes he's serious, and you should relax and not spoil it

Just adding in that I was with my partner 10 years by the time he proposed. We discussed just before covid and I was definitely more into it than him. Then both put it off until 2021 due to covid and being unable to see family. Then I got impatient after covid and definitely felt like he wasn’t into it. But turns out he bought me a ring in Jan 2022… then DIDNT PROPOSE until October 2022! He’s now just as into the wedding planning as me, wants to help make every decision! Turns out that he was just really nervous about making the proposal special and it being a lovely story for us to tel for the rest of our lives (it was but tbh I was more focussed on the marriage than the proposal or wedding)! Actually really sweet that he reached a point where he decided he just wanted me to be his wife so much that he couldn’t wait to ask any longer! So I got engaged in the woods on my ten year anniversary! Moral of the story: men get nervous and worried too. Sometimes they don’t express it in the best way! Try your best to be patient and wait for the proposal. Give him a few months at least before questioning!

"he was really nervous about making the proposal special and it being a lovely story"
It's not about the performance of the proposal, though is it?. That was 10 months! I actually feel sorry that there was so much pressure on him, @Whapples .