‘Waiting’ for proposal - WWYD?

[Juliana12]

Random name chosen for this post because I don’t want any friends or family to come across it.

Backstory: been with DP several years. I mentioned that I want to get married about a year ago but he wasn’t too keen. I don’t doubt his commitment because he strongly wants us to start a family and made some major investments into our future (sorry to be vague). Anyway, I brought the topic up again about six months ago and made it clear that it’s important to me. He said he’s happy to get married to me, because he wants me to be happy. I tried to make some plans with him for our wedding in early January, but he didn’t really want to talk about it then. I mentioned it again last week and he brushed it off again, but this time he said he has some plans himself.

A couple of days ago I found a receipt from a jewellery store for a diamond ring (spring clean, not snooping). I was happy at first and thought that he probably just wanted to propose properly before making wedding plans. I didn’t really expect a proposal because we already had discussed and agreed that we’d get married but I appreciate the gesture, of course.
But then I saw that the receipt was dated early January, this made me a bit worried about what happened to the ring he bought, until I found the ring hidden among his things (definitely snooping).

I get that he wants to wait for the right time, but it’s 2 months now since he bought this ring and there was a valentines Day plus another important date in our lives inbetween, both would have been great opportunities if he wants to propose.

WWYD? Wait patiently for however long it takes and not mention wedding plans in the meantime? I don’t want to tell him that I found it..but I already start to overthink it, did he get cold feet?

A lot of people saying he isn’t ready to get married, yet he’s bought a ring.
OP I think you need to take a step back and let him do it his way, it has to feel right and special for him too. You’ve had the discussions, he’s bought a ring so clearly has taken what you’ve said on board.
My DH and I got engaged but he wanted me to help choose the ring. Once we had chose it he didn’t tell me when it was ready to collect, he waited until he felt it was the right time to give it to me. Like you I couldn’t understand why he hadn’t done it sooner, but he when he finally did it he said that he had wanted to sooner but things kept cropping up and he wanted it to feel more special.
Give him time, he wouldn’t have wasted money on a ring just to leave it sat in a drawer forever

Why don't you formally propose?

Your mid 30’s and don’t have time to lose if you want kids.

You have been together several years and he’s still putting off the marriage?

Sorry but I wouldn’t give him any more time. Engagement ring means nothing.

Take care and don’t waste any more fertile years on him.

I would be having a conversation along the lines of wanting to start trying to get pregnant. Therefore you need to be married. He said he has some plans, ask him what those plans are and when you can expect to start trying for a baby.

Your fertile years are declining right now, don't waste them waiting for him to make his grand gesture. It's a wedding ring you need, not an engagement one.

Why is it that women sound like they are marching men up the aisle but in the vast majority of cases... it's men who propose.

Why should it not be a joint decision and not 'the more you push... the longer it will take' . .. that kind of controlling behaviour is at worst, undesirable.

Women are not toddlers begging to be allowed to go to the shops for an ice cream if they have waited patiently enough.. we want grown up partners who make joint thought through decisions.

It's not romantic to be rejected, dismissed and controlled then brought round by a shiny sparkly thing and a promise of a baby to keep you occupied.

"Dont rush him" "He wants it to be his idea"

They've been together 5 years! And he's a grown man. In your mid 30s I'd imagine most of your friends are married by now, so he'll be aware of the concept.

From what you've said, he doesn't really want to marry you.

you may have leapt to the wrong conclusion. The ring could be for the marriage ceremony itself, not an engagement proposal.

Honestly, buy a man ring and propose to him.

IMHO marriage, like having kids, is one of those things that you have to be 100% certain you are doing the right thing for the right reason. If you are unsure, for whatever reason, then don't do it. And definitely don't do it just to please somebody else.

If he's agreeing to marriage out of fear of losing you then that's a decision made on fear, and not one made totally of his own free will. You have to remember you are marrying him, as an individual, not as a means to an end or an end in itself.

I'd be careful.

Your in your 30's and have been with him for 5 years. You know he has bought a ring. I would give him till the end of April to propose to you. After that I would tell him that you found the ring and ask him how long more does he expect you to wait for a proposal and a wedding?
I tell him that you want to be married before having kids and that as you get older your fertility declines so unfortunately you can't afford to stay with him unless he moves things along now. You have been honest with him and you have given him time.
Some men might think she be happy if we get engaged and we can try then for a baby then and I can put off getting married because I am not keen on getting married.
You don't need the big expensive wedding but you need to be married before having kids because it gives you and a child better legal protection.

At this stage it time for him to either move things on or watch you walk away.

I know one woman who is now in her mid 50's who is childless and single. She missed out on a wedding and having kids because she spent years with a comment phobic man.

Another lady I knew wanted marriage and kids. She met a man when she was in university or shortly after this. She had a good job, savings and is a lovely woman. She was around 30 and she asked him about when we're they getting married and having kids. He was fine about being in a relationship with her but was not willing to move things on.
She decided to end things with him as she realised that they were going no where.
A few months later one of her ex's friends asked her out. She is now married to this man and they have 2 teenaged kids.

Exactly this.
Has society regressed? The decision to get married should not be in the gift of the man.
I've seen loads of these threads about reluctant men and proposals. It's not the fifties, just talk to him again.

All these mental games. How do you expect him to handle the difficulties of a young family if he can't be straightforward about this?

Just say: our relationship needs to progress asap. I've made a registrar appointment for May 10. Are you in or out?

Are you sure your boyfriend wants children with you? He knows if he marries you you will try to conceive, could that be the reason he doesn't want to marry you?

It seems really odd that a grown man and woman can't just get married without all this pomp and circumstance surrounding waiting for the man to bestow the ring on the woman. Really odd.

I know, @Azerothi , it's so strange.

I agree with @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune
Stop playing mind games.
Behave like adults.

If he is going to mess about just with getting engaged how long is it likely to take for him to want to get married (if he ever does)?

I would not bother mentioning the ring but just say, again, that you want to be married and can you both agree a date.

If you can't have an honest discussion about marriage then you are not really suited

Don't waste your time or energy on someone who doesn't want the same things you do. Know your own worth and don't be afraid to let a man know how much you value yourself. And that if he doesn't value you as much as you value yourself, then he doesn't deserve you.

Soon after DH and I met I was very clear that I wanted marriage and children and that if he didn't I wasn't going to waste my time, nor should he waste his on someone not on the same page as him. He agreed that once we figured out that the other was 'the one' we would marry. It didn't take long to know we were right for each other at which point we started talking seriously and agreed that we felt the same about what marriage and parenthood would mean to our lives. I told him I wouldn't move in with him until I had a ring on my finger and an engagement announcement with a wedding date set. We were formally engaged within 2 months of that discussion at which point I moved in, and we married 3 months later. That was over 35 years (and 2 DC) ago.

If you want to marry it's time to shit or get off the pot. Don't wait for a proposal, tell him that you've been together long enough for him to know if you are right for him. If you are Ms Right, he should know it by now and want to marry you. If he still isn't sure after 'several years' (which I take to be 3 or more) or has qualms about marriage in general then he'll never be sure and it's time to move on.

He may have qualms.

You should be able to bring this up with him (not coyly wait for him to do so) and for him to be absolutely delighted - maybe ask you to allow him to be the one to make it official but he would hop to it asap, eg book a surprise weekend away.

If you give him an ultimatum he may panic and reluctantly agree to a date because he’s frightened of being alone. Is this what you want? Is this why YOU want to marry him?

Honestly? I would separate from him
for a while to give you both a chance to think. Make it clear you’re doing it to give him space to see what he wants, not because you don’t love him. Then leave. Live away from him, don’t see him. Start a new life without him in it, hard as it may seem at first. If he does come after you, then see how you feel after you’ve given yourself a chance to go cold turkey.

I would only want to marry someone who was enthusiastically eager and couldn't wait to be my husband. Not some piker who had to be wheedled into it. OP, you really need to rethink this situation before it's too late. Do not settle. And do not let your "biological clock" trap you into wasting decades of your one precious life here on earth.

Just be patient x it'll be worth it x I ruined my engagement because I wasn't patient xx now I'm divorced so hopefully I might actually experience a proper proposal 😂😂

@Juliana12 your just going to have to bide your time and wait for him to propose. I’ll keep my fingers crossed your not waiting too long

Given your age and update, personally I would weigh up how important kids are and decide whether the romance of marriage is important against that.

If you are 1000% happy and confident that he isnt dragging his feet because he isnt sure and you genuinely hink he will be a good dad who doesnt need nagging to "help you" then give it until say August and lay it out frankly that you want marriage and babies and want to start trying now and have a registry office do next month. Sacrifice the romance. There is nothing romantic about nagging him up the aisle anyway.

If this is about romance and not financial security then get on with having kids if you are the higher earner and can cope with risking the relationship not becoming a marriage and not panning out in terms of maternity, reduced earning power etc

Other option is to leave and start over. Not ideal at this age.

I wouldnt want kids with a man that needs nagging because it doesnt read on paper like he will be a willing parent and you'll he forever nagging him there as well.

Good luck X

I would only want to marry someone who was enthusiastically eager and couldn't wait to be my husband. Not some piker who had to be wheedled into it

Absoloutely this. OP - you don’t have to be grateful that he’s finally decided that the time is right for him. You need to have an adult conversation about when you are getting married - and he needs to be honest in saying that it’s not for him if he doesn’t want to get married. Giving you a pretty ring isn’t a sweetener to keep you quiet while he fannies about deciding if he will deign to marry you or not.

She's not in a Jane Austen novel.

"A couple of days ago I found a receipt from a jewellery store for a diamond ring (spring clean, not snooping)."

Put on a massive smile, fling your arms around his neck, smother him with kisses, then wave the receipt about and say, breathless with excitement and joy, that you found it and you are thrilled and let's choose a date for the wedding.

I didn't marry DH until he proposed 9 years after we met each other. We had already had our two DC, this was the opposite way around to all our friends and peers. I hadn't thought about it and then my MIL got out some antique rings that were a mixture of family engagement rings and other striking rings, DH asked if I liked any of them so obviously, I knew at some point he was going to propose. He did about a month later. He never wanted a long engagement so the timing was key - is that perhaps the issue here as in maybe the plans he is alluding to are around specific timings.