‘Waiting’ for proposal - WWYD?

[Juliana12]

Random name chosen for this post because I don’t want any friends or family to come across it.

Backstory: been with DP several years. I mentioned that I want to get married about a year ago but he wasn’t too keen. I don’t doubt his commitment because he strongly wants us to start a family and made some major investments into our future (sorry to be vague). Anyway, I brought the topic up again about six months ago and made it clear that it’s important to me. He said he’s happy to get married to me, because he wants me to be happy. I tried to make some plans with him for our wedding in early January, but he didn’t really want to talk about it then. I mentioned it again last week and he brushed it off again, but this time he said he has some plans himself.

A couple of days ago I found a receipt from a jewellery store for a diamond ring (spring clean, not snooping). I was happy at first and thought that he probably just wanted to propose properly before making wedding plans. I didn’t really expect a proposal because we already had discussed and agreed that we’d get married but I appreciate the gesture, of course.
But then I saw that the receipt was dated early January, this made me a bit worried about what happened to the ring he bought, until I found the ring hidden among his things (definitely snooping).

I get that he wants to wait for the right time, but it’s 2 months now since he bought this ring and there was a valentines Day plus another important date in our lives inbetween, both would have been great opportunities if he wants to propose.

WWYD? Wait patiently for however long it takes and not mention wedding plans in the meantime? I don’t want to tell him that I found it..but I already start to overthink it, did he get cold feet?

I am genuinely glad that you find that a happy story. Personally I would take no pleasure in being made to “wait long long years” for some man to decide my future. I prefer to be involved in how my life progresses.

Usually I would come on a post to say don't let a man control your future by waiting for a proposal, and take things into your own hands, but I see you already did that. Forget about the ring, its a red herring if he hasn't given it to you, and we are assuming this isn't a Love Actually moment with jewellery. He doesn't sound serious, he sounds a bit wet and indecisive, either that or he is stringing you along. It isn't about the proposal or the ring, its about your future. I think you need to force the conversation again and make it ultimatum time.

I know. I have read them.
It's the hanging on for a proposal....... just seems like days of yore when women could not take the initiative.

Good point, @Refereeme

Why is she waiting for him to propose?
Why is it his decision to get married?

Yeah I definitely wouldn't be having kids with this man if he's not willing to step up. I made the mistake of having 2 with different men (both very long term relationships) who were hesitant on the subject of marriage. Then I fell pregnant and they thought the whole baby thing was too much and they left. I was left with nothing, financially screwed and they're living their best lives. So it's definitely not worth risking it in my opinion

Why is it his choice whether or not they get married??

I absolutely agree! I was clear that I was more excited about the marriage than how he proposed but he felt pressure because of a few “big” proposals that had happened to couples close to us in the years before

Oh it IS a happy story. We are one of those utterly disgustingly happy couples and have been for 20+ years.

At the end of the day I’d have pushed it if the timing had really mattered. But it didn’t, and so I didn’t. In our case there wasn’t any serious doubt about where things would end up, so the whole “issue an ultimatum” logic just didn’t make sense. I could have done that, and I know he would have said “oh fine then let’s marry”. But I’m not sad that we did it when HE felt it was “time” according to his strange but loveable clock (even if for me personally it was time a few years sooner!).

It’s not to persuade anyone else that this is the way to play it. More to say that everyone is different and it’s ok to trust your instincts about your own partnership, where it is going and what works best for YOU (individually or collectively).

Marriage is about money - who gets what, who has what, who pays for what. You can make those financial agreements without a wedding, (plenty of people I know have done), and it's actually much more sensible in some ways because it makes it clear what it is really all about. I wish more people did it.

I also think it treats women better that way - there's something about "holding out" for a proposal that feels a bit off (to me). Either I choose to be with him - or I don't. I'm not trading anything.

By confusing the financial contract with love and with big statements "for the photos" or a "story to tell" or for social status we end up with a third of those contracts having to be undone by the courts.
We do need strong laws surrounding the provision for children though - that would help - and a legal framework that better reflects how things are in 2023.

At the moment if you are a lower earner, if you want to take time off to look after children, if you contribute less financially to the family and home, (but more in terms of work and care), then marriage is still the best option. But see it for what it is.

I doubt many people on this thread will agree with me though.

I agree with you.

It needs to be made so clear that the higher earner will think twice unless they really trust and are prepared to carry the lower earner.

However there’s the little matter of pregnancies which don’t wait around for that piece of paper.

I agree with you, @pinkySilver and it worries me that so many threads appear from women waiting for proposals, living with men who refuse to marry, or make them wait years.
I don't know why we've regressed socially, making it once more the man's decision.
Do you think it's social media?.

@Maireas
Do you think it's social media?.
I think this is a big factor. The spectacle, the drama the fact that everyone is (or seems to be) doing it.
@Nooyoiknooyoik - and agree that the real issue is pregnancy/ children which are the key factor of course.

My dp asked me if I'd marry him during a conversation while we were watching telly. I told him if he was serious he would have to ask properly. He wanted me to pick a ring with him so I did. He took months to ask me again. He decided a date he wanted to do it and that was that lol. He might have a date planned but you haven't thought about. Maybe give him a little more time. My DH didn't ask on valentines because he thought it was cliche. I was in a very similar position to you. He ended up asking on Easter weekend. Very random but I wasn't expecting it. He put the ring inside my Easter egg. I was cross because we had been out for dinner and I thought to myself why does he want me to eat chocolate when I'm so full.

Hang on. He asked you to marry him, you said yes and you picked a ring. Doesn't that make you engaged? Why did you have to wait until he asked you again?.

But why should it happen when the OP least expects it? Why shouldn't they discuss it and plan like adults?

He must have forgotten the kneeling at her feet bit.

But him buying a ring sounds like we (finally) might be, I would say.

No, you being married would mean you are on the same page about marriage.

Start as you mean to go on and stop waiting around for him to make a decision about your future. The second you buy into the ‘in his own time bs’ is the time you sign up for him having the casting vote over what should be a joint decision. It’s 2023 FFS!

Are these investments in joint names? If not, then they’re his investments and have nothing to do with a future with you. He’s breadcrumbing you and I wouldn’t put it past him that buying a ring and you ‘accidentally’ finding it, is just another crumb.

Wear the ring and wait for him to notice !

I see my thread was revived…well, two months later and I still don’t wear this ring. I 100% agree with everyone who says that it’s daft to sit around and wait for a proposal, and my future definitely isn’t his to decide.

I absolutely don’t want to be a woman at the mercy of a man or travel back in history, hence why I asked him first to marry me.

I’ve had another conversation with him literally about how getting married is a joint decision that should be talked about between us, rather than creating a power imbalance where one person waits for the other persons decision.

Anyway, although this has tested our relationship, I see all the good things we have and I’m not ready to leave him over this. I consider letting go of the idea of getting married and telling him that I have changed my mind. (For those who understandably didn’t read the whole thread, I don’t need marriage for financial security, I am the higher earner and have assets in my name).

I recently saw an old post of mine from 2017 about how he wouldn't propose. Still in the same situation 6 years later, literally nothing has changed. I wish I had the strength to leave, I was young in my early 20s so I had that excuse. But time's moving on by so fast and everyone around me are getting hitched while I'm here still waiting 😞

Have you changed your mind? That’s the important question I think. If being with him is more important than getting married, that’s fine. But only if you are happy with that.

Make sure he makes a will leaving all his assets to you/future children. House goes to you etc. You sound sensible though and I’m sure you’ve looked in to all that.

That's good you've had a more honest conversation, but are you happy with the lack of marriage? Don't settle, you only have one life.

If you are mid 30s and want children, how long are you prepared to wait for him to ask you to marry him? Until having those children is actually no longer a realistic possibility?

Anyway, although this has tested our relationship, I see all the good things we have and I’m not ready to leave him over this. I consider letting go of the idea of getting married and telling him that I have changed my mind. (For those who understandably didn’t read the whole thread, I don’t need marriage for financial security, I am the higher earner and have assets in my name).

Some years ago I was exactly like this. And I asked myself - if it meant never ever marrying, would I still want to be with DP or was marriage such an important thing to me that it might mean leaving and finding someone who did want to marry me?

Anyway, I realised that I'm not and never was dependent on him. I'm not afraid of being alone. I was with him because he makes me happy. It was that simple. So I decided that my choice was to stay regardless of my marital status, that DC would still be in my plan but that I would always maintain my own independence. We did eventually get married, but it was actually me dragging my heels on it.