H keeps telling me that I am ill

[Mortenharkettsgirl]

Sometimes it is difficult to see things clearly when you are in a situation. I am living in a dead marriage. You know the usual-sexless, separate bedrooms, zero mutual respect or kindness. It feels like I am dying inside.I have tried to broach the subject of divorce and separation with h. He refuses to engage or acknowledge. He has told me he thinks I am terminally ill with a brain tumour or that the menopause is causing me to want a divorce.

I want to divorce him because I don't like him and he is mean, selfish and deeply lazy. I also feel he lacks empathy. I am 46 and fortunately feel in good heath, am of slim build and would not describe myself as having obvious menopausal symptoms at this time.

He has become absolutely fixated on menopause and has loads of printouts including symptom check lists- hot flushes, vaginal dryness, mood swings etc. He is not a sympathetic man so I find his printed literature on the menopause invasive. Is he trying to frighten me? My hairdresser told me she thinks he is trying to hold on til I am 60 and will give up trying to get away from him. It also makes me feel queasy that he has such an obsession with diagrams of ovaries and the uterus etc. I have a 12 year old dd who does not need to see all this crap laying about everywhere. It's stifling. I stay calm but feel like screaming at him, it's not the menopause, it's you. I just find his behaviour gross, medieval and misogynistic.

I am visiting a family law solicitor on Thurs to file for divorce but was just curious to know has anyone experienced this type of bizzarro behaviour? It feels like he is punching out the clock and wants to drag me down with his enduring themes of death and decay. I feel anxious and lonely. Thankyou for reading.

The ‘you are an ill/mad/crazy person’ stuff is a type of abuse. It is to get you to think less of yourself and submit to his will. Don’t believe it. If he cared so much, he would be more careful of your DD.

Your hairdresser is right. He is trying to hang on to you and break your will. Don’t let him. Good luck with the solicitor.

What a fragile ego he must have to think you must have a brain tumour because you want to divorce him! 🤣

You're not ill
He's an abusive arsehole
Good luck with the solicitor 👍🏻

Yeah PP are likely right hes just undermining you to reduxe your confidence etc. Be careful he isn't setting up a narrative to take your dd. That would liely be financially advantageous to him. I'd keep record of all that he's saying / leaving around in front of her.

You can easily get yourself checked for menopause by a visit to the doctors/blood test. I'd explain to the gp that your husband is making these accusations so you want them dispelled rather than you have concerns. (But maybe see what the solicitor says first).

Thankyou so much petals for your responses. I really appreciate it. I have kept records of what he has said in the past including the old clanger, 'Why don't you go live with your mother and see what it's like to live without me.' He is extremely lazy and has never made life easier for me in terms of chore sharing etc. so I would be better off without him. I have low self esteem.

He is not overtly abusive, shouting, swearing, drug, alcohol mis use so I know he will go for 50/50 custody.

Pleased to hear you can an appointment with a solicitor.

I think I'm correct in saying at at aged 12 yrs your DD will have a major say in where she lives.

Do you have a plan regarding accommodation ?

Do you work ? - some employers have wellbeing schemes where you can access counselling services. Might be worth asking at work

At 12 your dd's wishes and feelings about twatface will carry weight... My exh used to keep suggesting I visit some religious respite place for a 'break' incase I had pnd.. Which I never had and never set foot in a church the whole of our relationship.. He was trying to prime people I wasn't fit... I reckon your dh is practising his speech for when you have a 'breakdown' and try to leave him. Never suggest moving out and leaving your dd behind op.. He sounds cunning.
And a cunt.
Cunning County Chops.
Keep one step ahead..

He’s a scheming, malevolent bastard. There’s nothing wrong with you.

He is gaslighting in a most horrific way and it's abusive. Crack on with the divorce, you'll feel several stone lighter to get rid of mister wankery-pants. Don't be so sure that he will go for 50% - childcare involves effort - though he'll probably try to frighten you with it. Plough on regardless, there is no way in reality he's going to look after his kid 3 1/2 days a week.

I wouldn’t go and get the blood tests (also, they are not NICE guildelines over 45). You may or may not be in perimenopause.

you are allowed to leave a marriage just because you don’t want to be in it.

As somebody who is going through peri-menopause at the moment - so what if you were going through menopause? It's not a good enough reason not to leave a disgusting gaslighting lazy sad little prick - in fact many women do find that they can tolerate pathetic men no longer during this time and they find the courage to leave. Life IS too short.

Classic gaslighting. Causing you to doubt yourself. So what if you're menopausal? Every woman that lives long enough goes through the menopause. It's perfectly normal.

Leave him. Don't let your daughter think this is what being in a relationship is like.

I work. The house is paid off so I am assuming 50/50 court ordered sale. I know he views the property as 'His'. I bought the land and organised the build. I have done things in the past that I am so proud of but my confidence has been eroded over the years. Cunning is such an apt term! It totally resonates with me. Thankyou so very much. Your words mean a lot to me

Illness doesn’t equate to unfit to leave if you are no longer happy together. Good luck Op, it sounds like you’ve seen the light. You’re still reasonably young with many years left to enjoy. Go chase that rainbow!

You don’t need a solicitor to file a divorce
I did it on my phone yesterday while I was waiting for the bus
it’s done
you can do it online

I think he is laying the groundwork for telling people that you have lost your mind due to menopause and that's the only reason you could want to divorce someone who sounds godawful. However, who cares? As long as you can get shot of him, you will feel immeasurably better, meno or no meno.

I would go via solicitors in this case personally as I think he will be very nasty to deal with

Photograph all of his printouts no doubt they will " dissappear" as proof of your "madness"

Hope you get away fast!

Be sure to talk with your daughter about leaving because her father is abusive. You need to be clear with her that his behaviour is not OK and women should not tolerate it. It is likely he will try to gaslight and mindful her too and she needs to be aware of how to spot that.

It may be useful for you both to do the freedom program. It can be found online.

*mindfuck

The vile, misogynistic bastard is gaslighting you. File for divorce immediately, you don't need his permission or agreement. Hopefully, he will have very little presence in your daughter's life.

sorry you are being treated so badly OP, it wounds very nasty indeed. Sending you lots of love and strength

I agree this is an absolutely text book case of gaslighting (named after the film Gaslight, in which the abusive husband tries to convince his wife that she's going mad because she thinks the lights are flickering in their house and he says they aren't when he's deliberately making them flicker).

Practice saying: 'The only thing making me ill is you [Derek]'

Oh Thankyou, I feel like crying with relief as I know I am not going mad. I cringe when I think of him telling his work colleagues and family that I am crazy and menopausal. I understand that I will probably go through it in the next 5 years but it is a separate issue to how I feel about 'H'. I don't like him. I hate the thought of him even thinking about my body and my vagina.

There’s another post on here today, composed by a woman who left her husband, very inspiring.

I’m glad you are also leaving yours, he sounds insufferable. You have your whole life ahead of you. Life is too short to be miserable. 💐Good for you.

PS: Does he realise you don’t need his consent to end the marriage? Someone is going to get a shock.

I don't think I've read such vile shitty behaviour before and I'm an old timer

I'm so glad you're seeing someone soon about divorce and freedom. And also that I'm late to party and everyone has got in here to say what a shit he is.

It's making me so angry on your behalf.

Just adding my name to list. I know there are some brilliant practical mnetters who can help more. But my god. Escape now.