H keeps telling me that I am ill

[Mortenharkettsgirl]

Sometimes it is difficult to see things clearly when you are in a situation. I am living in a dead marriage. You know the usual-sexless, separate bedrooms, zero mutual respect or kindness. It feels like I am dying inside.I have tried to broach the subject of divorce and separation with h. He refuses to engage or acknowledge. He has told me he thinks I am terminally ill with a brain tumour or that the menopause is causing me to want a divorce.

I want to divorce him because I don't like him and he is mean, selfish and deeply lazy. I also feel he lacks empathy. I am 46 and fortunately feel in good heath, am of slim build and would not describe myself as having obvious menopausal symptoms at this time.

He has become absolutely fixated on menopause and has loads of printouts including symptom check lists- hot flushes, vaginal dryness, mood swings etc. He is not a sympathetic man so I find his printed literature on the menopause invasive. Is he trying to frighten me? My hairdresser told me she thinks he is trying to hold on til I am 60 and will give up trying to get away from him. It also makes me feel queasy that he has such an obsession with diagrams of ovaries and the uterus etc. I have a 12 year old dd who does not need to see all this crap laying about everywhere. It's stifling. I stay calm but feel like screaming at him, it's not the menopause, it's you. I just find his behaviour gross, medieval and misogynistic.

I am visiting a family law solicitor on Thurs to file for divorce but was just curious to know has anyone experienced this type of bizzarro behaviour? It feels like he is punching out the clock and wants to drag me down with his enduring themes of death and decay. I feel anxious and lonely. Thankyou for reading.

As PP's said- gaslighting/psychological abuse. You'll feel so much better when you don't have to be around him anymore.

I seem to be late to the party @Mortenharkettsgirl but if he is like this with the diagrams and detail of your menopause, what is he going to be like once your 12 year old daughter starts menstruation (I’m assuming she hasn’t yet)?

I think he is deeply perverted and totally unsafe to be around her, and you.

Take all his leaflets and diagrams and remove them to a good friend’s house. Take copies of anything he sends you and email them to new email address you only access in your incognito mode. Delete emails sent to this address and delete in the sent box. Also any messages sent once a screenshot has been taken. Leave absolutely no trace of your concerns

I think he does all this to you because it makes him feel good. Get your daughter out of there before she can be used by him to continue that perversion.

Start talking to your gp, the school safeguarding lead, access any counselling work offers. I think that this is a case where everyone you can think of needs to be advised/consulted about the situation and get it all written down. He must not be allowed free access to your daughter and you will need a strong paper trail to fight for it.

You absolutely do not have to justify why you don’t want to shag that man. He sounds utterly hideous inside and out. I can’t imagine being attracted to anyone less. Blech!
As for him blaming menopause and mental health, he is gaslighting you. The problem is, he’s not good at it is he? Gaslighters try and make you feel like it’s all your problem and you’re going crazy, but they’re usually much more subtle and manipulative than this idiot is. I’m so pleased you’re not buying into this shit. You know it’s him, not you.
He is also projecting his own fears onto you. How will you cope without him? You’ll do fine and dandy, thanks. How will he cope without you? He won’t. He has no identity without you. Oh well…

Thank you most sincerely to each and everyone of you who have taken the time to reply to me. I really am grateful.

Yesterday, I went for a counselling/healing session with a conventional doctor that dabbles in alternative methods. I hadn't really realised how pernicious and damaging his behaviour was until yesterday. I was a nervous wreck.Therapist opened up some wounds and I wept. I am normally the calm Swan paddling furiously underneath the surface. Therapist acknowledged that people usually leave intolerable situations when they realise the consequences for their children. I am sad that my dd will carry trauma but I will make it my mission to heal her as much as I can.
Thankyou deeply for your empathy, great advice, solidarity and also with little touches of humour that were sprinkled in some of the posts. I am aware that there are always two sides to a story and I am not without my faults but I really feel that the introduction of menopause literature and diagrams made an already unpleasant situation completely intolerable. The menopause is a natural process but his obsession with it is pathological and has deeply sickened me.

Does he expect me to admit the errors of my ways and sheepishly ask him to accompany him to a menopause clinic to openly discuss my cycle and intimate female functions. An individual I have not been intimate with for 4 and a half years. Whom offers no comfort, companionship or support. It beggars belief that I have lived this for so long!!! It is absolutely ludicrous.
I was filled with fear but this has turned into a sort of assertive rage. I think sometimes anger can be useful.

Finding your anger can be very empowering.

Use it to make your plans to extract your daughter and yourself from this environment.

Please log with your GP his creepy destructive gaslighting.

I think he could indeed do your daughter great harm with his perverse interest in womens issues.

Take it seriously.

This is not normal.

Log it with your GP and the gaslighting.

We are here for you.

Yes, Mortenharkettsgirl, find your anger.

Wanting to leave a creepy old tw@ isn't a sign of mental illness, it's a sign of waking up. It's the sanest thing to do in this situation!

You don't need a reason to leave him, an excuse, or permission.

The gaslighting little twerp can get in the sea with his print-outs.

Good grief, how bizarre! I'm 53 and just beginning to notice a few menopausal things (nothing drastic), my DH hasn't taken any interest at all, other than some nods and ums and ahs in the right places. I can't imagine him printing diagrams out - even women themselves don't do that.

Anyway, you are 46 - plenty young enough to move on. And did he really expect you to be celibate from 41 years old onwards. What the hell?

I DID go through menopause at 46 (medical reasons) and trust me - you’d probably know.
I suggest you put the “Pause” in the “Men” and get him the heck away from you and DD. He is about as psychologically abusive as anyone I have heard of. It’s not safe for her growing up in that environment thinking it’s normal. Watching you blossom without that creep hovering around the ozone layer of your life will be the best lesson in self-empowerment you can ever teach her.