H keeps telling me that I am ill

[Mortenharkettsgirl]

Sometimes it is difficult to see things clearly when you are in a situation. I am living in a dead marriage. You know the usual-sexless, separate bedrooms, zero mutual respect or kindness. It feels like I am dying inside.I have tried to broach the subject of divorce and separation with h. He refuses to engage or acknowledge. He has told me he thinks I am terminally ill with a brain tumour or that the menopause is causing me to want a divorce.

I want to divorce him because I don't like him and he is mean, selfish and deeply lazy. I also feel he lacks empathy. I am 46 and fortunately feel in good heath, am of slim build and would not describe myself as having obvious menopausal symptoms at this time.

He has become absolutely fixated on menopause and has loads of printouts including symptom check lists- hot flushes, vaginal dryness, mood swings etc. He is not a sympathetic man so I find his printed literature on the menopause invasive. Is he trying to frighten me? My hairdresser told me she thinks he is trying to hold on til I am 60 and will give up trying to get away from him. It also makes me feel queasy that he has such an obsession with diagrams of ovaries and the uterus etc. I have a 12 year old dd who does not need to see all this crap laying about everywhere. It's stifling. I stay calm but feel like screaming at him, it's not the menopause, it's you. I just find his behaviour gross, medieval and misogynistic.

I am visiting a family law solicitor on Thurs to file for divorce but was just curious to know has anyone experienced this type of bizzarro behaviour? It feels like he is punching out the clock and wants to drag me down with his enduring themes of death and decay. I feel anxious and lonely. Thankyou for reading.

Why do you need to divorce?

Why can’t you just move out and separate and then sort the divorce out at a later date?

He's so used to feeling in charge and abusing you Op that he believes if you want to leave him that you are not in your right mind, how arrogant is that? Being menopausal changes a woman but it doesn't make her want to divorce a man whose always been kind and decent, and clearly he is neither of those things. He'll try and say you'll get nothing in the divorce but he's quite wrong. Your solicitor can guide you and help you get divorce settlement your deserve.

He's hell bent that you won't leave him and could turn very nasty when you tell him it's all over. In your place I'd have someone with you when you tell him. If he gets abusive please call the police, they can help you. Good luck.

There are ways of abusing someone which don’t involve hitting them or shouting at them. Gaslighting is one such way. Your DH is abusing you. But look - he’s not going to accept your position or agree with you so you need to crack on regardless and ignore thoughts about what tales he tells to save face. It’s surely still better to get out than stagger on with such an awful partner.

He sounds a nasty piece of work op get your eggs in the basket and get legal advice

If you put more than 50% of the money in, then it won't necessarily be a 50/50 split, no. And as others mention, your dc is 12 so her views will be taken into account when it comes to where she lives and any custody arrangement. You need a good solicitor.

Well done for actually doing something about your situation. Do not let this man pull you down. Your worth much more!

@Mortenharkettsgirl is he impotent?

I have been advised not to leave family home as I would lose any claim to it. I would like 50 per cent of the sale proceeds so I can buy a house. It is a grotesque situation having to live with a man who is obsessed with the menopause. The question regarding impotency: the last time I had sex with him was Dec 2018. I was drunk but it was consensual. I can't remember if he was able to actually perform if I am being honest. I am blushing saying this. It's all very embarrassing.

Start the ball rolling. Organise the rest of your life without him.good luck.x

He sounds like a creep

He is a narcissist who is gaslighting you. Either that or he has munchaussen by proxy (I.e you).

Start making lovely plans without him. You deserve so much better.

@Mortenharkettsgirl impotent men can get very nasty. The menopause obsession may be because he thinks that you will be on the same page finally. As impotent as he is.

He is abusing you. Saying that you're crazy is classic gaslighting behaviour.

He sounds really vile OP.

I cringe when I think of him telling his work colleagues and family that I am crazy and menopausal.

It does sound like he is gearing up to make you look like the crazy one. It's gaslighting. And he will use all his nasty, creepy misogynistic skills to try to convince others.

But don't worry. It normally takes a few years, but can happen in months or even weeks. The truth will out. They will eventually see him for what he is.

It's shit. It's mysogny at it's finest. But they'll know. Even if they still stand by him... They'll know. They always do.

Fuck the lot of them.

You walk into the solicitor’s office with your head held high. Let that day be the start of you getting your self respect and confidence back. From what you have said you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. The only problem is yr 12 year old but they will soon have such a happy confident mum that they will be ok. Don’t let him grind you down any more. 💐

When my friend told her ex it was over and wanted a divorce and then told us (her family and friends) the long coming (and very understandable) decision to leave him he (the ex husband) actually went around telling people my he thought my friend has bipolar disorder and she was having a breakdown and they weren't really splitting up.

Convincing someone there's something wrong with them to avoid a split is abusive.Thé fact he's trying to convince you that you have not only a brain tumour but you're terminally Ill is absolutely bat shit crazy though;he needs a doctor not you.

He can tell people that you are crazy menopausal. You can tell them he's impotent. He's hardly likely to prove he isn't without getting arrested for indecent exposure.

Just crack on with the solicitors in the knowledge that your life will improve.

He also wants you to be embarrassed about menopause. I would give your ovaries names (I'm thinking Dolly and Polly for some reason) and then when he leaves the stuff around say "don't you worry, Dolly and Polly are still firing on all cylinders". Quite important for your DD to see that menopause is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about, any more than menstruation is. This is how our bodies work - it's just biology.

Your friends and colleagues won't be the least bit surprised by it. When you tell people your partner is terminally ill and they up and divorce you. They've kind of painted themself into a corner

It's not his decision to make.

It's yours, and yours alone.

I have been advised not to leave family home as I would lose any claim to it.

Not true, but you're seeing a solicitor so that sort of thing will be explained to you.

It's certainly worth gathering and copying everything you can get hold of relating to your financial position, including info about your and his pensions. And have some idea of what you want to happen next, don't rely on 'the law' to decide for you as it won't. Would you rather your DD spent more time with you if that's what she wants? If it's safe to do and you have the funds would you like to move out as soon as possible into somewhere rented while everything else works its way through?

In the immediate term, when he realises you are serious, it's likely your DH will go off on one (controlling rather than anything physical). If you can allow this to work its way though from a distance it will go easier on you.

I love the idea of having names for your ovaries 🤣

Honestly, if he tells people that you are divorcing him because of menopause, most will just think it's a load of nonsense. It will reflect badly on him.

I've been told by both solicitors and GPs that men often try the 'you must be insane' ploy when they discover the woman wants to leave. Who knows, maybe they really do think you must be mad not to want him in your life anymore?

Start getting together any info that will help you, like copies of bank statements, proofs of ownership, work project-managed and paid for on your house by you, photos of his bizarre diagrams of the female reproductive system, all of it. Hide your copies.

Gaslighting on an epic scale. In fact just like the actual film!