H keeps telling me that I am ill

[Mortenharkettsgirl]

Sometimes it is difficult to see things clearly when you are in a situation. I am living in a dead marriage. You know the usual-sexless, separate bedrooms, zero mutual respect or kindness. It feels like I am dying inside.I have tried to broach the subject of divorce and separation with h. He refuses to engage or acknowledge. He has told me he thinks I am terminally ill with a brain tumour or that the menopause is causing me to want a divorce.

I want to divorce him because I don't like him and he is mean, selfish and deeply lazy. I also feel he lacks empathy. I am 46 and fortunately feel in good heath, am of slim build and would not describe myself as having obvious menopausal symptoms at this time.

He has become absolutely fixated on menopause and has loads of printouts including symptom check lists- hot flushes, vaginal dryness, mood swings etc. He is not a sympathetic man so I find his printed literature on the menopause invasive. Is he trying to frighten me? My hairdresser told me she thinks he is trying to hold on til I am 60 and will give up trying to get away from him. It also makes me feel queasy that he has such an obsession with diagrams of ovaries and the uterus etc. I have a 12 year old dd who does not need to see all this crap laying about everywhere. It's stifling. I stay calm but feel like screaming at him, it's not the menopause, it's you. I just find his behaviour gross, medieval and misogynistic.

I am visiting a family law solicitor on Thurs to file for divorce but was just curious to know has anyone experienced this type of bizzarro behaviour? It feels like he is punching out the clock and wants to drag me down with his enduring themes of death and decay. I feel anxious and lonely. Thankyou for reading.

I second PP - take photos when you see these printouts lying around just to back yourself up. 🖤

Not sure where OP lives but in France leaving the family home is seen as abandonment and can go against you.

You want lose claim to the house. Provided you can show you paid towards it.

Women are sometimes advised not to leave as it makes it easier for sorting all that stuff out. Eg: easier to sell if you live in it. But you're not done out of your share of ownership just because you move out.

Just get all your paperwork somewhere safe and go. If you insist on staying until the divorce runs through (which would br a bad idea as they can take a while) then start living separately. Don't do any cooking or cleaning for him, sleep in separate rooms. Tell him your body is no longer any of his business and you are over so don't really give a fuck what he thinks. Leave the room whenever he starts any bs.

Would also be wise to tell your kid that you and him are over, just living together until you can get things finalised. That way she'll know his bad behaviour is not something you are tolerating within a relationship.

*won't, not want

He is overtly abusive in his behaviour towards you. Telling you that you have a brain tumour is extremely abusive. I'm not surprised you have no self esteem. He has destroyed it.

Well done for taking steps to leave. My life is so much better without my abusive ex. I am sure yours will be too. You and your children deserve a good, happy life.

This!

Gosh, which medical school did he go to, OP?
And how amazing, he has Xray vision and can actually smell your hormone levels!
FGS. Eye roll.
Keep on keeping on, life will get better.

Brain tumour! That's one of the stupidest things I've ever read on here. The guy is terrible.

At least you can take comfort that menopause will not be anything like as miserable as your life with him. Have all your questions written down for your appointment.

My DD had an early menopause, she's now late 40's, with a smashing new partner. Not everyone has a terrible time, HRT is a game changer.

You've still got a lot of life to live OP, make the most of it for your DD's sake.

Just think of Thursday as the first day of a new life!
Good luck, be strong.

Oh I had exactly the same - he was concerned about my behaviour and could it be down to menopause and depression. Even his mate had a word with me that I was ‘getting older now’ and ‘women can experience problems.’

I told the gp too and she did a 10 question depression test and said I wasn’t depressed and it was quite common for partners who are divorcing to claim their other half is ill.

He is abusing you.

What is stopping you from leaving? Can you get some money together enough to rent a flat for six months? Then just leave and file divorce papers.

It was not until the year I was turning 50 and deeply menopausal, that I worked up a courage to dump my abusive, controlling, manipulative ex. I woke up one day with the thought in my head that I do not want to waste another year of my life living with him. I feel that menopause gave me courage to get angry and speak up.

He was the same to me. Every time I would manage to fight back he would reply with, “what is wrong with you, calm down”. Well, no more. We have been separated for almost two years and not once did I regret my decision or miss him. You go girl. Life is too short to be wasted.💕

This is quite chilling, actually. Seen a lot of bizarro behaviour but the more I think about it the worse it is. Reminds me of when Victorian husbands used to say women were hysterical, and the doctor would come round and fist them into submission. Given what you’ve said about your marriage I don’t know why he thinks he knows about the current condition of your womb better than you do. Wow. Laughed in disbelief at this, not because it’s any way funny but the intrusion and audacity is genuinely impressive.

Also I think your hairdresser is possibly needing to consider a career change into some form of counselling/divorce coaching.

What rinkydinky said. He sounds like a absolute ghoul. Please take pictures of that shit he leaves lying around. have a gentle chat with your daughter. There’s nothing wrong with you. Menopause or not, that is quite irrelevant and also none of his business. You are of sound mind. He on the other hand is a mad controlling womb peeking weirdo as will be apparent to anyone of sense, by the sound of it! Any given menopause will be a walk in the park after living with him. Very good luck with the divorce. Live long and prosper OP!!!!

He sounds awful.
You are allowed to leave an awful cunt even if you are menopausal.
He sounds like he is rewriting the narrative “she is crazy" to suit himself.
Like the bad old days when women were committed for “hysteria".
He is trying to distract you from leaving him. And it's WORKING.
Next time he brings his print outs out , shut him down!
Don't argue if you're menopausal or not. That is not the point.
You're allowed to leave for any reason OP.
It doesn't matter what he accuses you of.
You are not happy. You matter. Your life belongs to you. Fuck him.

You are still young at 46 dont listen to his drivel. get away from him and start anew, good luck

So sorry you are going through this @Mortenharkettsgirl

Hope your solicitor is a good one and can expedite your divorce and getting away.

probably go through it in the next 5 years

I hope you get it sorted much, much more quickly than that. Your solicitor should be able to clarify the timelines associated with different approaches.

All the very best. It's definitely not you, it's him.

OP, people are probably right - sounds like abusive gas lighting.

I'm curious though....You do sound like you have extreme feelings of revulsion towards him, and you don't share much about how the relationship developed into this or his actual behaviour... was it just a gradual decline and behaviours he always had just started putting you off more or more? Or did he radically change? Or did you have a sudden change in feelings not linked to anything he was doing differently? If the latter, I can understand his looking for another explanation.....

Doesn't change your right to leave him if you don't like being with him of course!

You are getting great advice about that odious toad.

Log what he is telling you with your GP.

Awful for your daughter to be listening to this.

Time to tell her that the marriage is over.

Don't do it with him.
Speak to her alone.

Any aggressive behaviour, ring the police immediately.

First log his gaslighting with your GP.

Stay strong.
You can do this.

Good luck OP and grab the rest of your life with both hands.

the thought of this idiot mansplaining the menopause to a woman should be a defence for murder let alone grounds for divorce.

good luck op in dumping this gaslighting abusive prick’s arse

Get tested !! Would a fu.k you deserve an academy award 4 sacrificing decades of your life probably feeling sorry for him keep your inner confidence .if or when you start menopause you will know .he needs to let you go respect love is gone am prime example moving on 54 live with my son few blocks away 30 years 1 child .3 years living apart my only regret should have moved on sooner. he still allows his low self confidence accuse me of meeting someone else. Why else does an old woman wanty get her own house his pathetic pathetic digs towards me via my son this has led to him living alone without regular contact with us or some family members my life is peacefully money cant buy that good luck your a strong woman pleanty life in you dont waste another week he does own or deserve you he has released he has lost you so he turns to google 4 answer a women he has shared half his life with the shock will probably kill him .god forbid move on plzzzz