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Original poster

Was he being unreasonable? Do I walk away?

101 replies

LondonMiss1 · 05/03/2023 08:37

I started dating a single dad in November he has 100% custody, I have met his 9 year daughter but she doesn’t see me as a girlfriend or anything..

it was her birthday last week, I had done everything from every gift, the cake and even booking the party..

At the venue he says to me “don’t stand by me people will talk..”

now I wasn’t trying to be affectionate or anything I’m careful of this with his daughter.
I’m really upset and I don’t think I can come back from that.. I tried to leave but it would have caused a drama with his family.

He thinks his comment was warranted. I just feel he’s super ungrateful.

OP posts:
TicketBoo23 · 05/03/2023 08:40

it was her birthday last week, I had done everything from every gift, the cake and even booking the party..

Why?

You only been seeing him 3 months.

(It does also reflect very poorly on him that he let you do that and then wanted you to act like an acquaintance).

GrazingSheep · 05/03/2023 08:41

I had done everything from every gift, the cake and even booking the party..

Why did you take all that on?

Karwomannghia · 05/03/2023 08:43

If he’d been nice about it then maybe it would be acceptable but if he used a shitty tone then that’s the problem.
how come you ended up organising her birthday? When I was with a single dad it would not have crossed my mind to do that and that was a similar situation- I had to leave before she woke up!

crackofdoom · 05/03/2023 08:43

Agree with PPs. What on earth were you doing organising her party?

Original poster
LondonMiss1 · 05/03/2023 08:45

He’s really crazy busy with his business, so I was just helping out but feel so unwanted :(

OP posts:
TicketBoo23 · 05/03/2023 08:45

You're way too involved and invested too soon.

He shouldn't be letting you organise etc. his child's birthday and then expecting to treat you like an acquaintance.

He shouldn't have you there at the party unless he can acknowledge you as a girlfriend. I don't understand why you're being introduced to his dd and attending his DD'S birthday party but he's pretending your an acquaintance/won't acknowledge you.

He should pick one or the other ....keep your relationship separate from his dd & family until your relationship is established longer term, or involve you and introduce you.

At 3 months, it should really be the former.

patrickbatemansbusinesscard · 05/03/2023 08:46

Far too soon.

Bigmummaof2 · 05/03/2023 08:46

So sorry OP. But I do think it was far too soon for you to be organising a party & gift and even meeting his daughter.

I definitely would take a major step back & re think if this relationship is for you!

TicketBoo23 · 05/03/2023 08:47

LondonMiss1 · 05/03/2023 08:45

He’s really crazy busy with his business, so I was just helping out but feel so unwanted :(

You're doing way too much.

You should be trying him on for size over a year or two.

Not fully flinging yourself into organising his child's significant family events.

But he's not a nice, reasonable person for letting you do that and then trying to distance himself from you at the event you organised. That reflects very poorly on his character.

threeplusmum · 05/03/2023 08:48

Doormat springs to mind.

Original poster
LondonMiss1 · 05/03/2023 08:48

He asked me to book the party when she asked for certain place

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/03/2023 08:51

Do you think if you hadn’t done all the work he just wouldn’t have bothered? He’s her dad, it’s his job. You were overstepping massively. He’s rude and ridiculous. Just dump him.

In future, it’s normal to wait a bit longer to meet a new boyfriend’s kids and don’t assume they don’t see past the “dad’s new friend” thing, they’re not stupid. It’s not normal to take over responsibility for stuff like birthdays because the person you’re dating is busy.

It’s hard to understand how you’ve ended up here tbh.

Jimboscott0115 · 05/03/2023 08:51

LondonMiss1 · 05/03/2023 08:48

He asked me to book the party when she asked for certain place

I get maybe asking you if you'd check availability online or something but anything above and beyond that is taking the piss.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/03/2023 08:52

He asked you to book his DDs party at this venue?.

That was never your task and I am wondering why you at all thought it was.

Locomelon · 05/03/2023 08:52

In answer to your question, yes, I'd walk away.
It was kind of you to organise her birthday for him and it's terrible how he treated you. You deserve to be appreciated, not used and hidden away. If you don't set clear boundaries for yourself, you'll always be the one walked over, there are always people happy to do that! You deserve better. If he's like that after 3 months I dread to think what he'll be like after 3 years.

Jinglehop · 05/03/2023 08:53

It was unreasonable of him to allow you to do all that in the first place.

I’ve been on the other side of this though and I waited a year before introducing my bf to my children as more than a friend. Friends knew about him and knew I was taking my time about it also. At the time I thought he was on board with it but I found later he resented it. So, communicate to your bf how you feel. Judge whether to walk away or not based on the quality of his response. Success of a relationship is more about how conflict is handled and this will be the first of many, many parenting hurdles if you choose to stay.

mishthecatfish · 05/03/2023 08:53

I didn't even meet my exes children for 6 months - and the first party I went to was 2 years in.

Need to take a step back...
His comment was a bit shitty yeah, but why were you there, did he introduce you to anyone? Were you his 'friend'?

Odd.

monsterradeliciosa · 05/03/2023 08:54

Take a big step back and start thinking about getting someone else
tell him you’re taking a step back nicely and see how he reacts

take a few days after that to not respond to him

Dotcheck · 05/03/2023 08:55

LondonMiss1 · 05/03/2023 08:48

He asked me to book the party when she asked for certain place

He ASKED you? Because he’s too busy? Like, he doesn’t take lunch, and wasn’t able to drop in to a place which is clearly open weekends?
I don’t know how he did that with a straight face- asking someone he’s dated for a few months to book his child’s birthday party.

Some men like to replace one woman with another to ensure the smooth running of all the admin they can’t be bothered to do themselves.
This man is an ass

GoodChat · 05/03/2023 08:57

Do you have a child the same age as his who was invited to the party? If not, I don't think it's right that you were there.

Oneofakind1 · 05/03/2023 08:57

No, you shouldn’t have done all that. Just a card and a small token gift from you would have been plenty. And you are right that he is ungrateful. I would be upset too if I were you.

TicketBoo23 · 05/03/2023 08:58

At the venue he says to me “don’t stand by me people will talk..”

In general terms, I wouldn't be being intimate with a man who can't acknowledge me as his gf etc in public.

Unless I was happy with a fwb situation - not a relationship.

It is clear that you are not seeking a fwb situation so I'd say he should not be getting the privilege of intimacy with you, which for many women results significant bonding (with oxytocin etc) and the potential to feel vulnerable and have your feelings hurt. (Not to mention the fact that even protected sex has the risk of pregnancy and STDs. The man is not the one who's going to suffer if a pregnancy happens and the women ends up terminating or a single Mum. He can walk, relatively speaking).

There are lots of risks and factors involved in having sex, not least of which emotional, so women (imho) should not be having it when a man can't acknowledge & own their relationship. (As I said unless they are specifically seeking and very happy with a fwb, which one most women can't actually do).

You don't get to pretend I'm an acquaintance and then stick your dick in me in private.

He has a DD, he naturally doesn't want to introduce to gf's until/unless it's long term. He should stick to that then and not have his gf's organise her birthday party and attend it.

Livinghappy · 05/03/2023 08:59

I assume you are much younger than him?

Yes, end this.. and then work on your boundaries and why you felt the need to take on HIS responsibility?

By doing too much you felt he owed you loyalty but the relationship is only 4 months old so it wasn't appropriate. I think once a pattern has been established (you giving too much and him letting you) then it's difficult to roll back from this.

Oneofakind1 · 05/03/2023 08:59

You got every gift for his child? What did that involve? And the cake? Did he actually choose anything? I assume he gave you the money for it all so you weren’t out of pocket.

TicketBoo23 · 05/03/2023 08:59

Dotcheck · 05/03/2023 08:55

He ASKED you? Because he’s too busy? Like, he doesn’t take lunch, and wasn’t able to drop in to a place which is clearly open weekends?
I don’t know how he did that with a straight face- asking someone he’s dated for a few months to book his child’s birthday party.

Some men like to replace one woman with another to ensure the smooth running of all the admin they can’t be bothered to do themselves.
This man is an ass

Show quote history

This

But is bad enough being his unpaid P.A. .... Without him telling you not to stand near him orokk like you're "with" him at the event he got you to book/organise.

He's a c u next Tuesday

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