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Original poster

Was he being unreasonable? Do I walk away?

101 replies

LondonMiss1 · 05/03/2023 08:37

I started dating a single dad in November he has 100% custody, I have met his 9 year daughter but she doesn’t see me as a girlfriend or anything..

it was her birthday last week, I had done everything from every gift, the cake and even booking the party..

At the venue he says to me “don’t stand by me people will talk..”

now I wasn’t trying to be affectionate or anything I’m careful of this with his daughter.
I’m really upset and I don’t think I can come back from that.. I tried to leave but it would have caused a drama with his family.

He thinks his comment was warranted. I just feel he’s super ungrateful.

OP posts:
Newstartonwards · 05/03/2023 09:26

LondonMiss1 · 05/03/2023 08:48

He asked me to book the party when she asked for certain place

And you say - your daughter you book it.

he testing your boundaries - and you don’t have any

Original poster
LondonMiss1 · 05/03/2023 09:28

He was worried about the other parents making comments I believe, but by the way she is with me ect it’s clear who I am..

OP posts:
TicketBoo23 · 05/03/2023 09:30

To answer your thread title;

Yes, he was being extremely unreasonable.

Yes, you should walk away.

It's often useful to turn these things around; if a woman did this to a man she was seeing - let's say he bought or fixed a bike for her child for the birthday and also was involved in making event arrangements; and she encouraged him to do that; but then told him to not stand beside her at the party; what would you say about her attitude to him? What would you say her character is like?

It's very much "be my gf/bf when you're if use to me, piss off and don't be + or rather look like - my gf/bf when it doesn't suit me". Not a person to invest in, unless you want led a shit life.

dudsville · 05/03/2023 09:32

This is not a healthy dynamic OP. Listen to what everyone is telling you. And although he's a dick, this isn't all in him, you went all in too quickly. Sure, what you did is nice, but it's too much. You can be nice whilst still matching the actual pace of a relationship. You both participated in the creation of this dynamic, as much as he can move on and repeat it with someone else, so can you if you don't think it through and make some changes.

TicketBoo23 · 05/03/2023 09:32

LondonMiss1 · 05/03/2023 09:28

He was worried about the other parents making comments I believe, but by the way she is with me ect it’s clear who I am..

Then he shouldn't have invited you to his child's birthday.

And he definitely shouldn't have got you to organise it and let you buy her significant presents.

And, as before, he's being ridiculous and deluded ; because it's clear he's involved with you by you being at the party (and as you said by his DD'S interactions with you).

In general, he also should not be introducing his dd to women he's oy been seeing 12 weeks or so. It's irresponsible and not in her best interests.

PeekAtYou · 05/03/2023 09:34

By the time he told you the details and gave you his bank card, he could have called the place himself and done it.

It is madness that he did this and even crazier that you did it. Normally people haven't met the child yet but you paid for gifts etc and were treated worse than an assistant.

You need to sit down and consider why you allow him to treat you like a mug. I understand why a person like you is appealing to him but it really isn't supposed to be like this only 3 months in. If he's treating you like this now, it will not get better in future. It's supposed to be the honeymoon period right now but he's treating you badly when his behaviour should be at his best.

RunTowardsTheLight · 05/03/2023 09:37

He is being massively unreasonable to think it's fine for you to organise the party but not to be acknowledged as his girlfriend. Time to move on OP.

DuchessOfSausage · 05/03/2023 09:38

Not REFT.
Congratulations OP, you have got yourself an unpaid nanny's job.

TicketBoo23 · 05/03/2023 09:40

My advice to you in general would also be that ,while some women think that getting super involved and doing stuff for/helping him out and showing big interest in his child and trying to show you'd be a good step Mum etc etc will get you a good relationship; it doesn't. It gets you taken advantage of and also they don't appreciate your commitment/investment because it's too easy and fast. He didn't have to earn your investment & commitment (or even gain it over a reasonable time) so he doesn't value it. He just thinks you're easy/desperate/a pleaser/a door mat. Even if you both stay in the relationship long-term that will probably always be the dynamic.

I'd also caution you to look at the real disadvantages of partnering a man who already has at least one child, as opposed to one who has none yet.

Lorry10 · 05/03/2023 09:44

I think you need to end it. What does he mean “don’t stand by me people will talk..”??
So what if they did ? If he was planning any kind of future with you, people will know you are a couple one day.
Or is it that he is not long/not properly split from his ex ?

Cheesandcrackers · 05/03/2023 09:45

So he got u to organise his child's party. And then he basically shunned you at the party you organised. Nobody would think this is acceptable.

Justalittlebitduckling · 05/03/2023 09:46

Outrageous that you did everything for the party and he behaved like that. My friend just broke up with a Dad who was taking advantage of her and basically using her as a nanny for his kids, she was buying them loads of stuff and similarly he took her completely for granted. I think you need to have a serious conversation with him.

Zanatdy · 05/03/2023 09:47

Well he definitely shouldn’t have said you could go to the party if he didn’t want you standing near him. He’s massively out of order. How did you meet him? Is he putting himself out there on OLD as available to date? If he is then he needs to stick to seeing someone when he’s got a babysitter. Trust me it’s not easy as I’ve found out as my bf’s parents can’t have the kids a lot and it’s tough not seeing him sometimes for 2-3 mths. We are ex colleagues so it just happened but the timing isn’t great. I already have kids, mid 40’s, it sounds like you’re young. Go find yourself a guy without kids, it’s only ever going to be problematic and you can do so much better than this guy. Fact he’s not even sorry and thinks it’s fine to say what he did says it all

DrHousecuredme · 05/03/2023 09:47

He's auditioning you for the role of full time stepmum who facilitates his life.
Getting you to organise everything then distancing himself at the party would be rubbish behaviour after a year or more. After 3-4 months it's ridiculous.
You should still be going on dates and having fun.
I'd be heading for the hills!!

DuvetDownn · 05/03/2023 09:47

This relationship is wrong for you.

PaigeMatthews · 05/03/2023 09:47

Yes walk away.

Oneofakind1 · 05/03/2023 09:49

Have you seen him since the party? Did you say anything?

Undermyumberellaellaella · 05/03/2023 09:49

I think you have done too much for him so soon but I also think it's just because you were being nice and trying to help out.

He sounds like a dick and I would probably walk away.

latenightprep · 05/03/2023 09:50

Work on your self-esteem and boundaries- you deserve better than this.

If I was in this situation I would not want to meet someone's child until I knew we were in a long term relationship - I'd leave it at least 6 months.

cansu · 05/03/2023 09:50

He is using you.
If he did not want his dd to know he has a girlfriend he should not be seeing you around her anyway. If she has met you she will know exactly who you are. Asking you to sort out her birthday and then trying to distance himself from you is rude and is taking the piss. Tell him to find himself another mug.

Hoppinggreen · 05/03/2023 09:50

LondonMiss1 · 05/03/2023 08:48

He asked me to book the party when she asked for certain place

In the time it took him to ask you to do it he could have done it himself.
Come on OP, he sees you as a PA not a girlfriend

Channellingsophistication · 05/03/2023 09:52

Yes, walk away. Terrible for him to treat you like that. What sort of a man does that and doesn’t have time to book his DD’s birthday party?!

is he looking for a housekeeper?

Jewel1968 · 05/03/2023 09:53

What is he like generally? Putting aside birthday for a bit how would you describe your relationship.

What you describe is disrespectful. I read somewhere once that the things that niggle you at the start of a relationship are ultimately the things that lead to the breakup. In the early days you make excuses or see the best in him but eventually they become the problem. The fact that you are seeing it now on itself tells me something about how you feel in the relationship.

category12 · 05/03/2023 09:55

Jesus.

Bloke can't be arsed to sort out his dd's birthday, so dumps the job on his brand new girlfriend, who he pretends not to be with.

Shameful behaviour on his part in so many ways.

Understand that he gives no shits about the women and girls in his life. Really drink that in, and fuck him off.

FloozingThePlot · 05/03/2023 09:55

Hoppinggreen · 05/03/2023 09:50

In the time it took him to ask you to do it he could have done it himself.
Come on OP, he sees you as a PA not a girlfriend

Show quote history

This was my first thought - from what you described it sounds like he saw you as a PA for this event. How's the relationship generally? If he's very busy with his business does he make time for you?