Please help - just found out FIL is a paedophile

[anon4]

I am in a desperate situation. Have just found that FIL is a convicted paedophile and I am 5 months pregnant. The whole of DH's family is deeply dysfunctional. I am already (within days of this shock) being put under outrageous pressure from DH's entire extended family to forgive and help FIL's attempts at rehabilitation. However my absolute gut instinct is to have absolutely nothing further to do with them and not to let our future daughter anywhere near them. I couldn't forgive myself if anything would happen, and I put mis-placed 'family loyalty' above the safety of our daughter. My protective maternal instincts are in overdrive. DH is split, and wants to see if we can work on compromises such as allowing them to see her with us present. I cannot even stomach that, and don't want her to be near these people. We are both in deep distress. I don't know what to do: follow my instincts but will bust up my DH's family, or bow to pressure to allow them some sort of access to our daughter?

I'm really shocked by the 25 per cent stat - not saying I don't believe it, just that it's horribly high.

Pan, of course you're right to do what feels safe for you and DD's mother, and your line of work obviously gives you a real insight. However, I disagree that the line you have taken can have no negative effects for your DD; you are preventing her from forming emotionally and physically intimate relationships with any man except you. My sons have a very intimate relationship with my dad - in fact DS1 shared a bed with him last night. When DS1 had to stay overnight in hospital and I couldn't be there with him, my dad stepped in; he was one of only three people who could have comforted DS1 in that situation.

I accept that there is a possibility that I have made a hideous mistake in allowing my sons to develop such intimate, loving relationships with my dad - but OTOH, assuming that my dad is not abusing them, they would most definitely have missed out had I never allowed them to be alone with him.

I have thought again overprotected, and it doesn't change anything. Dd's history is totally different to yours.

Kerrymum: "You've no idea who my xdh is. I wouldn't assume that I don't have a clue as to what I'm talking about."

And you have no idea who the men I'm thinking of are. Why is it OK for you, but you want everyone else not to do it?

By PaulaYatesbiggestFan on Sun 10-Feb-08 22:17:07
why is it that people work in the field or have experienced abuse all share roughly the same view??

have i heard one abuse VICTIM on this thread saying 'yeah go ahead?'

i have not advised the OP to "go ahead" i have said that this is a deeply personal decision that can only be made by teh Op and her partner.

i think my own decision in these circumstances would depend on so many details that we are not privvy to...i couldn't possibly advise one way or another.
but i recognise how incredibly heartbreaking this must be for Anon and if she were to go ahead with contact i offered some words of advise in order to keep her child safe.

no i agree with what you say mamazon

Kerrymum, would you trust your sons?
Or would you expect them not to leave their children with each other?

As far as the op is concerned, I would not want him in contact with my baby.

I mean the fil

PW - you're wrong about that, but it's too 'picky' to go through it all, with respect. I/we aren't stopping anything of the sort - she is "attached" to a particular friend of mine who she churners to. The physical stuff with other men is something she would be dubiousabout any way, I think.

Oldroot

it would be unusual if it was talked about

So, the one in four figure...

my children are completely unaware of steps dp and i take to protect them

I am not a very trusting person, but the few people I do allow in are those I trust implicitly. I would not hesitate to trust them with ds, regardless of gender.

Paula I know

kerrymum FWIW i agree on the most part with what you have posted as although i havent been abused myself my mum has (see further down in the thread) and although she didnt directly tell us about her experiences when we were children she made me and my sister aware of what was appropriate and kept a firm eye on us as children. my dad was the only man we were left alone with for any length of time and we are not worse off for it. better in fact as although we grew up in a bit of a strict atmosphere (no sleepovers etc) we have grown into women who are more aware of the dangers that are 'out there' it is good sense to gently forewarn and forearm your children without scaring them or making them into 'little balls of FEAR'. you sound rather sensible to me
xx ei xx

ladylush - would you feel so trusting if you had been abused? (genuinely interested)

Paula - I honestly don't know as I was not abused as a child and I don't think I can put myself in those shoes iyswim

um, yes, about that 1 in 4 figure please?

hunker and i (and prob more) are waiting to hear...

anon4, i really feel for you. what a awkward situation
i looked thru all thread (330 posts )
obviously everyone worried about you. but please dont mkae youslf depressed, you have your beautiful baby in you. talk to you dh and make desicion. no mum will let pervert to be close their dd. do what you think right. hope you will better.
btw, im so agree with rhubarb. good valueable posts.