Is it cheating

[DoTheyNeed]

DP and I have been together a while and have a DC. DP job involves him going to different locations but the same locations on a rota system. He receives a referral and then attends the location. He has a work phone a personal phone.
He has befriended someone at one of these locations. She is not a client of his but works in a similar field. I think he is at her location once or twice a month. Anyway, a while ago there was a bit of mentionitis but this has now stopped. I asked him if there was something going on but was reassured there was not. I stupidly went through his phone and they message almost every day, rarely at the weekend. Mainly silly things, day to day things about her children ect but also some flirty innuendos made by him. She is also muted on his phone. They also call each other a few times a week. Sometimes instigated by her, from looking at the messages. Some messages prior to the calls appear to be professional related some where she just wants a chat.
Am I reading to much into this? I’m not comfortable with it at all, if it’s work related surely it should all be on his work phone? Or am I just being over the top.

Have you...asked him

I wouldnt be happy about it anyway.

Sorry this is happening to you.
I wouldn't be happy with this situation. Seems there is more to it than he has said to you. Her being muted is also worrying.
Speak to him

Red flags are waving.

If you ask him, just be aware that he may lie and gaslight you.

My DH started an affair in a similar way and when I challenged him about the 'friendship' he lied and gaslit me for the entire duration of the 2 month physical affair. They had a secret group chat with a bland name set to auto delete messages, so even if I went through his phone (I didn't), I wouldn't have seen anything suspicious.

On reflection, I'm not sure if there was any way I could have found out. He only came clean when it was over. Sorry, I'm not sure that helps you. I just wanted to say that asking outright doesn't always work.

I wouldn't be happy about this.
I think it's over the top contact for a work contact/friend.
It's straying into emotional affair territory at the very least.

That’s the start of an affair OP, altho I would class that as an emotional affair already. The fact her messages are muted speaks volumes.

To be honest it's the muting that rings the most bells. Is anyone else muted?

People mute so the message doesn't flash up on their phone. To stop prying eyes and people getting suspicious

It's fine for people to have work friends. I chat to men from work about their kids/my kids/blah blah blah. But there's no innuendo. And I wouldn't have a problem with my partner seeing the messages or how many I get from them (ie we don't text every day...)

It’s probably the build up to it leading to an affair. The messages and secrecy will be giving them a buzz. He she married/with anyone?

I also think an affair is brewing.

I did save her number but don’t really know what to do with it. I know little about her other than where she works. She has children and he did say previously that she was in a relationship. But think I need to get my ducks in a row before doing anything.

He's enjoying the messaging. He knows you wouldn't be happy about how frequent it is, so he's kept it secret from you. This happens so often, messaging is a menace to relationships and a gateway to affairs.

Sounds like an EA is developing.

I’m really sorry this is happening to you. How old is your DC?

Something very similar happened to me. Something felt “off” about a friendship with a woman, if I ever raised it I was told I was crazy and jealous etc Eventually (much too late) I saw messages and was shocked and appalled at their frequency, their tone and the fact that it had been going on throughout our relationship - I had no clue there was regular contact in this way. I was devastated but tried to reconcile myself to it for several reasons, one of which was that the friendship was longstanding and I knew they hadn’t slept together. To cut a long story short a year later he started a similar level of contact with a colleague. He had never even mentioned her name to me and was messaging her as much as 100 times a day. Nothing physical happening and she was also in a relationship - but the lack of boundaries and respect to me and our relationship, the secrecy and furtiveness around it… it absolutely floored me. He was actually abusive in many ways (not physical) but of all the things he has done to hurt and undermine me, blame and gaslight me - these episodes are still the ones that cut me the deepest and are hardest to recover from. I can never believe he won’t repeat the behavior because (according to him) I shouldn’t have an issue with it and he doesn’t even know what the problem was expect in a couple of specific instances where he admits he “maybe shouldn’t have said” specific things.

When women post about this kind of scenario I so often see people saying that men can have female friends, that they themselves have male friends and it’s all above board etc etc And of course that’s true to an extent. But when your gut says something is off, in my experience you need to trust your gut. Trying to live with this kind of betrayal, and reframe it as “it’s just the way he does friendships”, damaged me very deeply. He has never understood why because they didn’t have a physical relationship, but personally I think if you’re carrying on a relationship which intentionally and actively excludes your partner that is a massive red flag (selfishness/lack of respect) and definitely qualifies as a betrayal of the trust you need to share with your partner.

Im sorry this is happening to you. I wouldn’t tell him what you know before seeing a solicitor and working out what your position would be if you were to separate, just in case his response to any conversation you have ends up being more than you can take.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Sending hugs x

A lot of people categorise cheating as being physical sexual contact but I would categorise it as inappropriate contact with someone to whom there is a sexual attraction. He is clearly attracted to her (mentionitis + innuendos) and the level of non-work related contact he sustains, in secret, with her is not appropriate for a man in a relationship.

If this were a normal platonic friendship, I'd expect to be well aware of it given that it's apparently so incredibly close and significant that they speak and text every day. And also for it not to involve flirting and sexual innuendos, clearly.

A menace to relationships and a gateway to affairs is an excellent description.
Whether the content is 'innocent' or not, the investment required to message a person multiple times daily; the fact that the person is almost continually in mind because of the endless to-ing fro-ing of messages; and the bonding that results from that level of contact shouldn't be underestimated.

I always say, if you wouldn't be happy showing your DP the messages or you know they wouldn't be comfortable with them then it's cheating. Doesn't need to be physical to be cheating and in some ways emotional cheating is worse.

I've read a lot about affairs recently (it's only 3 months since DDay for me) and this definition by Esther Perel is the best I've come across.

"A secretive relationship — which is the core structure of an affair — an emotional connection to one degree or another, and a sexual alchemy."

I'd say this covers your partner's activity, but really it doesn't matter whether anyone would define it as an affair or not - you're not comfortable with it and you should trust your gut. I should have trusted my instinct (which was correct) but I allowed myself to be convinced otherwise by a lying, selfish, entitled man-child. Don't be me.

It's an inappropriate thing to be doing when in a relationship. Especially the innuendos and the muting of her chat.
He is hiding it which means he has a reason to. He himself knows this is wrong otherwise why hide it.

I've always taken a fairly easy stance on cheating OP. Is it something you'd do with your partner present? If not then it's crossing a boundary. Would you be ok with him saying these words to someone in person with you in earshot?

Just because it's texting, it's the same as if the words were spoken. Probably time to at least have a proper conversation.

Mentionitis that stopped
Secrecy
Over-frequent contact
Muting
Flirty innuendo + sharing daily happenings

@DoTheyNeed, your Partner is pursuing illicit validation outside your relationship. He has opened a window to this OW and is building an intimate relationship with her.

This would be cheating in my marriage and I would tackle it asap. He can claim ‘platonic friendship’ all he wants, but if this is crossing your boundaries, you don’t have to tolerate it. He really doesn’t have a leg to stand on, as his flirty innuendo shows attraction, and the secrecy and muting show that he’s well aware that he is way out of line.

I don't think it matters if he's 'cheating', that's a label. It does matter that you're uncomfortable.

What would happen, do you think, if you told him you were uncomfortable about his communications with her? Or, if you don't want to admit you peeked, what would happen if you said you had a niggling discomfort about her, and her position in his life?

It's an emotional affair.

But he will deny it.

How he responds to your accusation will be important, will he end their 'friendship'. or will he dig his heels in and continue contacting her.

Who will he choose.
Good luck with the conversation, but in my opinion many men at this stage just feign ignorance and then go underground with the affair.
Don't allow him to minimise this.

@DoTheyNeed nip this in the bud now and have it out. Don't give him warning. I was suspicious of my H many years ago about the amount of texting going on between my H and some young woman who did bits of work with us - I could see it on the phone statements. I mentioned it and was told it was all work related and I was being silly. Many years later totally by chance I found a drawer full of poems and songs he wrote about this person and his feelings. (She was 21, he was 41) He then said it was just a crush , that nothing happened. I'm afraid something did happen for me, I lost respect and a light kind of went out about how I felt. We have remained married and I do care , but I've never trusted 100% again or felt quite the same. If I had found this stuff at the time it happened I would have ended things- purely because of the total lack of respect and kindness and loyalty .

The simple rule is that anything secretive and kept from you indicates his liaison is likely to be unfaithful at some level. Openness and full disclosure from him about his friendship suggests he has nothing to hide.
But affairs can and do happen from friendships which start as out in the open and some innocent friendships might be kept more secret, for an easy life,due to uncertainty how a partner will react to an opposite sex friendship, especially if jealousy has been an issue. Honesty always works best. I know this mightn't help much!