Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Is it cheating

97 replies

DoTheyNeed · 02/03/2023 09:42

DP and I have been together a while and have a DC. DP job involves him going to different locations but the same locations on a rota system. He receives a referral and then attends the location. He has a work phone a personal phone.
He has befriended someone at one of these locations. She is not a client of his but works in a similar field. I think he is at her location once or twice a month. Anyway, a while ago there was a bit of mentionitis but this has now stopped. I asked him if there was something going on but was reassured there was not. I stupidly went through his phone and they message almost every day, rarely at the weekend. Mainly silly things, day to day things about her children ect but also some flirty innuendos made by him. She is also muted on his phone. They also call each other a few times a week. Sometimes instigated by her, from looking at the messages. Some messages prior to the calls appear to be professional related some where she just wants a chat.
Am I reading to much into this? I’m not comfortable with it at all, if it’s work related surely it should all be on his work phone? Or am I just being over the top.

OP posts:

haveyoutriedturningitoffandthenonagain · 02/03/2023 17:57

She's muted so you don't see

He's flirting with her

He obviously fancies her (metionitis)

You're not comfortable with it and he knows you won't be hence muted

Dump him. He's willing to cheat.

SunnyLion · 02/03/2023 20:00

Yes. He's cheating by communicating with another woman inappropriately.

blueybandit · 03/03/2023 07:49

Everyday contact with a work acquaintance is not the norm but hiding the notifications it shows he doesn't want you to know about it!!

I wouldn't say anything just yet, keep monitoring!

Original poster

DoTheyNeed · 03/03/2023 17:12

Thank you all. I feel unwell and couldn’t go to bed with him. I am also confused who to be angry with, him, her or both. Will it make things worse to call or text her for her side of it?

OP posts:

Theresamooselooseabootthishoose · 03/03/2023 17:21

Offt.. keep her out of it, keep it to you and your partner. She has no obligations to you, only your partner does, she will no doubt know about you and if she’s this brazen with him knowing about you then she’ll be brazen enough to brush you off also.

Talk to your OH. I also wouldn’t be happy at all with this, this is how affairs start (if it hasn’t already as it definitely seems emotional). Im
sorry you’re going through this, it’s a gut wrenching and mind bending time of life to be in.

Mix56 · 03/03/2023 17:52

Sorry I don't think you should be living in doubt, it will make you paranoid & eat you up. I would probably say, I've seen your phone, I know X is on mute & you are sending multiple innuendo messages (& I imagine you copied the messages to yourself as proof) & daily chats.
"I'm afraid I don't want to live under a cloud of deceit & doubt, so you are leaving. & have a good long think about what you expect out of a monogamous relationship.
If I was doing this, would you accept it? or say you weren't happy that I was having an extra conjugal daily flirt?
So fuck off & chat to her, because this is not a road I intend to walk."
I don't listen to his forked tongue

FinallyHere · 03/03/2023 18:00

Is it something you'd do with your partner present? If not then it's crossing a boundary.

This is the agreement DH and I have. We used to dance, together and separately. The dance world is quite small and provides the perfect crucible for close intense relationships.

To anyone outside the sport, the routine hugging and kissing and extravagant compliments might seem like obvious signs of infidelity. DH and I (and many others) agreed not to say or write anything that you would be embarrassed for our spouse to read or hear.

It has the benefit of simplicity. And works pretty well. Hiding messages seems like something to be concerned.

Original poster

DoTheyNeed · 04/03/2023 20:08

I still haven’t broached the subject with him. I think I’ll speak with him tomorrow about it. He’s been off with me today and generally behaving like a child. I’m really not in the mood to talk to him at the minute.

OP posts:

MsDogLady · 05/03/2023 00:45

He’s been off with me today and generally behaving like a child.

@DoTheyNeed, it could be 2 things:
(1) Following the cheater’s Script, he is likely creating distance from you (in the form of arguing, criticism, sulking, ignoring, etc.) to self-justify his wrongdoing.

(2) He could also be in a bad mood because he can’t chat with OW today.

Although you’ve already expressed concern about their ‘friendship,’ he proceeded to secretly dismiss you by over-investing and forging an illicit bond with OW. He is abandoning his fidelity and loyalty to you and your child.

When you confront, don’t tolerate any denial, gaslighting, blame-shifting, etc. You know that what you’ve seen is inappropriate in your relationship, and there will have been even more line-crossing in person.

Stay strong, @DoTheyNeed.

Ofcourseshecan · 05/03/2023 01:17

Aquamarine1029 · 02/03/2023 09:57

Red flags are waving.

Yes. I would tell him you need to talk about this, and don’t let him divert the blame onto you for finding out. If you have a long and honest discussion, there’s a chance you may stop him going any further. Best of luck, OP.

BibbityBobbityBollocks · 05/03/2023 08:24

Apologies if I've read the OP and subsequent posts wrong, but I'm not getting emotional affair so much as an emotional wank.
I say that because it seems from what you say, that the concerning behaviour is from your DP and a bit one sided.

He responds to her day to day silly chat with flirty innuendos and you said calls instigated by her are normally preceded by messages about work, is she responsive to his flirting or sending him any inappropriate messages?

This with the muting and mentionitis makes me think he has a crush perhaps but from what you've said I don't get the impression it's reciprocal.

How long have you been together? Is this something he has done before?

Does he seem checked out in other ways, is he still getting involved in family life? That to me would be additional worrying signs.

I hope you are able to talk to him, that he has the decency to acknowledge your feelings, and that you are left reassured that you and your DC are his priority.

Crispymandm · 05/03/2023 08:31

I think you’re well within your rights to feel angry and betrayed. Sneaky behaviour always has a motive behind it, it’s muted because he is flirting with this woman and trying to cheat.
personally I wouldn’t get in touch with other woman as his behaviour tells you all you need to know.
Have you had any other red flags?
Hope you’re ok Op.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 05/03/2023 08:35

Imo cheating, or being dishonest is doing something you're not prepared to happily show your DP. As he's got her muted on his phone, he clearly doesn't want you finding out, or realising what's going on. This to me, constitutes being dishonest at best, the start of an emotional affair at worst

He's obviously putting emotional energy into this relationship with the ow. I'm sure he'll say there is nothing going on, and he didn't tell you because you'd over react, and he'll tell you that you are over reacting, so proving his point. But he's lied, he's hiding it, and I'm sure he'd not be happy if you were investing this much energy in another man

Fairislefandango · 05/03/2023 09:13

Thank you all. I feel unwell and couldn’t go to bed with him. I am also confused who to be angry with, him, her or both.

Him. She has no obligation to you.

spintwin · 05/03/2023 10:35

If the woman knows the man is married then I think there is a morale obligation.

Original poster

DoTheyNeed · 05/03/2023 15:27

Thank you for everyones advice.
We had a “conversation” today. He made some derogatory comments about her and
that she messages him and he replies only to be polite.
He got angry and shouted in my face when I told him I looked at their messages.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve never seen him like this and he doesn’t seem to be listening to anything I said. He has always been a bit of a man child but never like this.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 05/03/2023 15:32

How are you usually, as a couple, at resolving conflict? Is it usually a 'sit down and talk through your feelings, reach a compromise' sort of thing?

If this is how he usually goes about it, end the relationship. And, actually, if this is new and only to do with this issue, it doesn't look good either, because he's so dramatic about it.

Sorry, OP, I don't think this will end with a happy, healthy relationship.

WidthofaLine · 05/03/2023 16:05

He got angry and shouted in my face when I told him I looked at their messages.

He knows he's in the wrong and has twisted it back onto you.

He feels shame and also anger that you have invaded their private world.

He's not showing remorse and that's a bad sign, he's an entitled stupid git.

MsDogLady · 05/03/2023 16:24

@DoTheyNeed, he was critical of OW to throw you off the trail and then became defensive when you rumbled his downplaying as lies.

OW clearly plays a significant role in his life, as he has been investing his time and emotional energy in frequent contact, over-familiarity, and flirty innuendo.

How did he explain away his hiding her by muting their chat?

@DoTheyNeed, don’t be cowed by his manipulative anger. He is frantically attempting to make you shut up and back off to protect their relationship. You don’t have to tolerate his abuse of your trust, his gaslighting, or his tantrums.

I’d tell him to leave while you consider your options.

Mix56 · 06/03/2023 06:32

He has been rumbled & his immediate reaction is anger at you.
No remorse, no genuine sign of wanting to cut this woman out.
He has gaslit you back into your box.
100% typical scenario in this situation sadly

NotyourMrs · 06/03/2023 06:37

Muted means if an affair is not already happening, then he’s hoping it will.

TicketBoo23 · 06/03/2023 07:25

TellSomeoneElse · 02/03/2023 10:42

That’s the start of an affair OP, altho I would class that as an emotional affair already. The fact her messages are muted speaks volumes.

This.

musicandpassion · 06/03/2023 07:47

My exH made derogatory comments about the OW and said he didn't really want to talk to her but did it out of politeness. He called her fat and ugly and said she was immature. We're now divorced and they're married.

I'm so sorry but I think you need to start looking at leaving him OP. Maybe try having another conversation if you weren't happy with the response from the last one, but I'd be out of there if my partner screamed in my face because I'd read a few messages.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 06/03/2023 08:59

I would print off some information about divorce and leave it in the kitchen.

Might make him think.

Personally though, I would be following through

StopStartStop · 06/03/2023 09:02

Don't waste your time being angry with her - she isn't in a relationship with you.

It's too late to be angry with him. He's already formed a relationship with another woman. Start looking to your future without him.

Flip

1 2 3 4