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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my marriage is over

78 replies

Mumma2Ro · 02/03/2023 03:22

I’ll try and keep the story short
I’ve been with my husband for 13 years this year, married for 8 years. We have 2 amazing children 5 years old and 3 years old.
i don’t remember the last time I felt happy
i don’t remember the last time I laughed
I don’t remember the last time I had fun
i don’t remember who I am
i miss the old me. Fun, loud, bubbly, chatty, friendly, sociable. Now I am none of those things. I am boring, I am irritable, I am snappy, I am down, I am unsociable.
My husband doesn’t make me happy anymore.
I love him but am I in love with him? I don’t know.
we had a big argument tonight as he said he was going to the pub to play darts, he strolled home at 3am! I told him I haven’t been happy for months, he said he will leave. He said if he makes me unhappy he will go.
I said no. I told him not to. Why did i say that ? Why didn’t I tell him to leave, to give me space for me to see if I can be happier without him. Why?
cos of my kids. They LOVE him to bits and he is amazing with them. We share the childcare (school drops and pick ups) as we both work full time. He does a lot with them and is very hands on.
if he were to leave, if we were to separate it would ruin my kids. They would be absolutely heartbroken. So that’s why I’ve told him not to leave even though deep down I’m pretty sure I would be happier on my own.
and to be honest financially I couldn’t cope on my own with the mortgage and bills etc. how bloody sad is that!!
Anyway I’m sorry for the rant. I’m in tears as I’m typing this….. hoping there’s someone in a similar situation I can talk to. Thank you xx

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 02/03/2023 03:27

Kids lives are only ruined if you make the divorce hell for them. You deserve to be happy. But all relationships have good years and rubbish ones. Give this a lot of thought, but remember you are a person, not just a mum. Xx

FictionalCharacter · 02/03/2023 03:47

Separating would NOT ruin your kids.
You are clearly very unhappy. Are you able to talk to your husband about why? Does he listen to you? Is there anything good about your relationship with him?

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 02/03/2023 03:56

Happiness doesn't just come from your partner, a lot of it is you. What else do you have in life? Do you work? Do you have hobbies? Do you have friends? How happy are you with yourself? L

You need to work this out, or you may find that you are single and still unhappy, or even more unhappy than you were before.

AgentProvocateur · 02/03/2023 04:03

What’s stopping you having fun and being sociable - your husband? It doesn’t sound like it. Do you go out with friends and colleagues? Do you and your husband have equal time to do your own thing? Honestly, it doesn’t sound like your husband’s the problem here unless there’s going to be a massive drip feed.

Zanatdy · 02/03/2023 05:01

They’d adjust, they are so young. My kids were a similar age when we split and now they are 18 & 14 and are absolutely not ruined. They still have a good relationship with their dad, we have a good co-parenting relationship. You’d get help with bills via universal credit. Go to the website ‘entitled to’ and put in some figures to see you’d cope financially. I’m the child whose parents stayed together for and let me tell you that I do not appreciate it, it was horrible.

Bard6817 · 02/03/2023 06:36

Think you are blaming DH for a you problem.

Go see a doc or talk to friends to unpick your cause of unhappiness.

feelingfree17 · 02/03/2023 06:56

Don’t ever rely on anyone else for your happiness, I think you need to look within. The moment you do this, everything becomes clearer. Easy to lose yourself with full time work and children, and blame your nearest and dearest.
Only you know, but from what you are saying, he sounds a good man, and I wouldn’t be jumping in to divorce any time soon

TheaBrandt · 02/03/2023 07:33

Is it him though? What’s he doing to make you so down? It’s not his job to make you happy you have to do that yourself.

supercali77 · 02/03/2023 07:44

Your kids are young enough that it would be manageable with an amicable divorce. The older they get the harder it gets. Please think carefully...if this situation isn't going to improve you should seperate sooner than later....you're talking about more than a decade of staying together 'for the kids'

AceofPentacles · 02/03/2023 07:54

I think this is part of being a mum to young children - it's relentless, thankless and makes you feel like a boring workhorse. As others have suggested can you find some things of interest to you, meet with friends more? What about trying couple's counselling before you pack in your (presumably previously good) relationship?

Channellingsophistication · 02/03/2023 08:00

have you spoken to your husband before about how you feel ?

what is causing your happiness? what stops you seeing friends?

THisbackwithavengeance · 02/03/2023 08:04

LTB is always the go to point on here with people adamant that divorce doesn't hurt kids.

Divorce does hurt kids. It really does. My kids are living proof of this btw. I'm not saying that people should stay in shit marriages with abusive partners or should put up with cheating but I would advocate that anyone thinks long and hard about leaving and you have to accept that there will be a permanent fallout from the decision to leave a long marriage with young kids. It actually does sound like your DH is a good person, a good Dad and pulls his weight and that you, OP, sound depressed.

Have you been to the doctor about your feelings? Or considered going to Relate? Because believe me, the grass is not greener and I think your marriage can likely come back from this.

TheChoiceIsYours · 02/03/2023 08:08

I wish people wouldn’t be so dismissive of the impact of divorce on small children. Not saying that people should stay married at all costs but divorce can be hugely damaging, life changing really, for the kids involved and I wish we’d stop ignoring that uncomfortable truth. I believe any parent owes it to their children to do everything that they possibly can to make the marriage work before throwing in the towel. But unfortunately it’s much more convenient to just believe that ‘happy mum = happy kid’. Or that if they’re young enough it won’t affect them. I don’t believe any of that is true.

OP you don’t sound like your unhappiness is actually that much about your husband - you just sound a bit lost generally. Working full time with two tiny children is relentless. Do you spend much time with your husband alone, date nights etc? Can you articulate what it is about being with him that you think is causing your unhappiness and why separating would make you happier? You’ve said yourself, you would be poorer and he does half the pick ups etc so it doesn’t sound like one of those cases where the logistics would be the same with or without him.

Xrays · 02/03/2023 08:11

TheChoiceIsYours · 02/03/2023 08:08

I wish people wouldn’t be so dismissive of the impact of divorce on small children. Not saying that people should stay married at all costs but divorce can be hugely damaging, life changing really, for the kids involved and I wish we’d stop ignoring that uncomfortable truth. I believe any parent owes it to their children to do everything that they possibly can to make the marriage work before throwing in the towel. But unfortunately it’s much more convenient to just believe that ‘happy mum = happy kid’. Or that if they’re young enough it won’t affect them. I don’t believe any of that is true.

OP you don’t sound like your unhappiness is actually that much about your husband - you just sound a bit lost generally. Working full time with two tiny children is relentless. Do you spend much time with your husband alone, date nights etc? Can you articulate what it is about being with him that you think is causing your unhappiness and why separating would make you happier? You’ve said yourself, you would be poorer and he does half the pick ups etc so it doesn’t sound like one of those cases where the logistics would be the same with or without him.

I agree. And I’ve been divorced twice.

barmycatmum · 02/03/2023 08:17

It’s so hard to leave, isn’t it -

but what you can do, even starting immediately, is put your own happiness first at all costs. Set on a mission to find your spark in life again.

this will also help your children- to grow up seeing Mum miserable, to learn that the role of a woman is to put herself last, these things can cause lasting damage.

so you’re not being selfish - and don’t ever listen If he says you are- by setting your mind to taking care of your happiness.

it can start as small as thinking of something you’d like, and doing it. A walk in the sun? A small treat for your tea? Leave him out of your plans.
set aside a little time each day for YOU. Almost like you are your new relationship.
when he’s out, do something you like. Put on music and dance.

once you put it in your mind that you’re going to be curious about what makes you happy, life starts to open up a bit. You’ll be able to ignore him and his moods.

i had to do this to try and find out what it was that made me happy, after many years in a miserable relationship.
take the kids, go for a walk. Write down on a piece of paper: “things I saw today that I have never seen before.” And see if you can write something down, after a short walk.

it sounds silly, but it opens your mind and heart to start carving out a life that isn’t at his Beck and call.

PermanentTemporary · 02/03/2023 08:22

Really feeling for you both. This period of life is TOUGH. I'd really hope you can find ways to improve how you feel and it does sound as if things could get better in your marriage. Maybe you need to have a night out and stroll home at 3am? Have a heart to heart with your dh.

Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 02/03/2023 08:22

Wow thanks so much for all of your replies I am so grateful
I am going to go through them now and reply to questions people have asked x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 02/03/2023 08:25

FictionalCharacter · 02/03/2023 03:47

Separating would NOT ruin your kids.
You are clearly very unhappy. Are you able to talk to your husband about why? Does he listen to you? Is there anything good about your relationship with him?

Yes I am able to talk to him, but he doesn't understand. He asks why i am unhappy and what he can do to help, he asks what I need etc but I can't give him these answers as I do not know myself
Oh there are good things about our relationship. He is my best friend!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 02/03/2023 08:29

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 02/03/2023 03:56

Happiness doesn't just come from your partner, a lot of it is you. What else do you have in life? Do you work? Do you have hobbies? Do you have friends? How happy are you with yourself? L

You need to work this out, or you may find that you are single and still unhappy, or even more unhappy than you were before.

I work full time monday- Friday 9-5.
My evenings are spent sorting out the kids dinners, bedtimes, uniforms etc for the next day, hanging a wash out etc.
Than all I want to do is sit down and watch TV or go to bed.
I do not have any hobbies.
I have friends yes, my best friend of over 10 years is my next door neighbour!
I am happy with myself in terms of my appearance, weight etc. But I don't feel happy within my soul if that makes sense. I do nothing for me, nothing.
Thank you for your point about possibly being single and still unhappy. I have taken that on board

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 02/03/2023 08:32

AgentProvocateur · 02/03/2023 04:03

What’s stopping you having fun and being sociable - your husband? It doesn’t sound like it. Do you go out with friends and colleagues? Do you and your husband have equal time to do your own thing? Honestly, it doesn’t sound like your husband’s the problem here unless there’s going to be a massive drip feed.

No my husband would never stop me being fun or socialising. I just don't want to. By the time I've sorted the kids and the house out I just am exhausted and want to go to bed or sit down on the sofa.
I don't go out with my friends or colleagues no. Me and my best friend went to the cinema a couple of weeks ago but that doesn't happen often.
My husband regularly plays darts, or goes to the pub to watch the football. So he has time to do his own things. I don't
Maybe you're right and i am the problem not him

OP posts:
QueSyrahSyrah · 02/03/2023 08:33

Honestly OP from what you've written it doesn't sound like he's the root of the problem? You say he's your best friend, a good dad, shares the childcare equally. No mention of any kind of abuse. Just a misdemeanour in staying out later than expected.

I'm very worried that if you told him to leave and he did then you'd end up just as sad and low, or worse, but with nobody to share the day to day grind with. Or sad and low but without your children 50% of the time.

I would strongly suggest speaking to your GP about how you feel first, and really looking at where and when you used to have fun, and with who, and can you work to bring any of that back x

Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 02/03/2023 08:36

THisbackwithavengeance · 02/03/2023 08:04

LTB is always the go to point on here with people adamant that divorce doesn't hurt kids.

Divorce does hurt kids. It really does. My kids are living proof of this btw. I'm not saying that people should stay in shit marriages with abusive partners or should put up with cheating but I would advocate that anyone thinks long and hard about leaving and you have to accept that there will be a permanent fallout from the decision to leave a long marriage with young kids. It actually does sound like your DH is a good person, a good Dad and pulls his weight and that you, OP, sound depressed.

Have you been to the doctor about your feelings? Or considered going to Relate? Because believe me, the grass is not greener and I think your marriage can likely come back from this.

Thank you so much this is very helpful.
I haven't spoken to the doctor about my feelings, maybe I should.
I have never heard of relate, I will look into this today.

OP posts:
Xrays · 02/03/2023 08:36

You sound depressed. If you say your husband is your best friend then it’s worth trying to see if you can save things. Most of us find life with young children boring and repetitive. It’s hard. But divorcing isn’t necessarily the answer unless you literally can’t stand your dh - when I knew I was ready to leave my dh I couldn’t even stand to be in the same room as him. I certainly wouldn’t have called him my best friend.

QueSyrahSyrah · 02/03/2023 08:37

Ok, so if you said to you Husband 'I'm going out to dinner with Friend next week, so you'll have to do the kids tea, bedtime, sort for the next day and do a wash, I'll be home when I'm home' what would his reaction be?

Just interested to see if he's the reason you're not going out, or you are. Is it because the household bits wouldn't get done, or is he perfectly capable of doing it all, but you just take it all on by default? (I've seen this latter scenario before).

GracePooleslaugh · 02/03/2023 08:42

I would suggest you have some therapy/counselling for yourself if you can afford it to try and work out what the problem is.

If you get to the root of it you can change things. If he is the problem then you will know what to do.

Your children are very young and it can feel like a relentless round of drudgery at that age but they get older and more self sufficient so it doesn't stay that way.

It's hard getting up off the sofa and doing things but maybe you need to push yourself to do it. Could you do something creative once a month? I used to do pottery painting with a friend once a month. I enjoyed it so much as I could get lost in it and I looked forward to it. Doing something with your hands is very therapeutic.