I think my marriage is over

[Mumma2Ro]

I’ll try and keep the story short
I’ve been with my husband for 13 years this year, married for 8 years. We have 2 amazing children 5 years old and 3 years old.
i don’t remember the last time I felt happy
i don’t remember the last time I laughed
I don’t remember the last time I had fun
i don’t remember who I am
i miss the old me. Fun, loud, bubbly, chatty, friendly, sociable. Now I am none of those things. I am boring, I am irritable, I am snappy, I am down, I am unsociable.
My husband doesn’t make me happy anymore.
I love him but am I in love with him? I don’t know.
we had a big argument tonight as he said he was going to the pub to play darts, he strolled home at 3am! I told him I haven’t been happy for months, he said he will leave. He said if he makes me unhappy he will go.
I said no. I told him not to. Why did i say that ? Why didn’t I tell him to leave, to give me space for me to see if I can be happier without him. Why?
cos of my kids. They LOVE him to bits and he is amazing with them. We share the childcare (school drops and pick ups) as we both work full time. He does a lot with them and is very hands on.
if he were to leave, if we were to separate it would ruin my kids. They would be absolutely heartbroken. So that’s why I’ve told him not to leave even though deep down I’m pretty sure I would be happier on my own.
and to be honest financially I couldn’t cope on my own with the mortgage and bills etc. how bloody sad is that!!
Anyway I’m sorry for the rant. I’m in tears as I’m typing this….. hoping there’s someone in a similar situation I can talk to. Thank you xx

So does he do his fair share after work?

Would he change the pattern of his socialising to enable you to have a social life or hobbies?

Do you do things together as a couple?

To be honest a man who was down the pub a lot and leaving me to either a lonely evening and/or sorting kids and doing housework would be my worst nightmare. No wonder you are discontented.

You need to ask him to have the children if that's what you want to do.

My parents divorced and it was very upsetting. You can't just spectate without even trying to fix anything.

And it sounds tough seeing him go out but what have you actually done to change things? You say he'd never stop you going out, I'm sure he wants you to have fun too

You've said DH is "very hands-on" and pulls his weight on deop-offs and puck-ups. But does he actually share housework 50:50 with you? If you're up till late sorting out kids stuff and household, why isn't he? Or do you actually spend equal time on all of it and he's just coping better?

Either way, you certainly sound like you could be depressed and you should definitely look into this.

So he isn't constantly going out? So it's not that.

Your dh doesn’t make you happy anymore.

Firstly your dh shouldn’t make you unhappy but he’s not responsible for making all of your happiness either.

I think you’re probably slightly depressed, frazzled and a bit resentful that your dh is content with his life.

Perhaps your first step should be to go out once a week on your own even if it’s just an hour at a hobby, gym, walk or the pub with a friend.
Make yourself go, don’t worry about tea or the house that night.
Write a journal of your feelings and try and workout what does make you happy. It will be useful to read back on in a while.

And if you decide to stay in your marriage then do it properly and put work into it. Be nice to each other.

This is what I was thinking. You are working full time op. All household tasks and tasks related to the children should be shared equally.

Definitely go to see your GP. Could be depression, SAD, perimenopause depending on your age.

Think about a hobby where you can get out even if it is just for an hour or two a week. I joined a choir, knew nobody and met lots of lovely people who also knew nobody when they joined. I could be myself from the start and forget about everything else for a couple of hours a week. Music is so good for mental health. So is exercise. Good luck x

Your DH is your best friend, a good dad and pulls his weight? Does he pull his weight though or are you left picking up all the drudge work whilst he socialises? Because if you are THAT is the reason you feel this way. But don’t rush to leave unless you dislike him, it will not solve the problem.

It is very easy to “lose yourself” when you have children, paticularly mothers due to pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding. Your youngest child is only 3, this is very, very common! It may be that what you need is a change to refresh yourself. Before you rush to leave your DH, consider if there are other changes you can try first which may have the desired effect?

Think about what made you happy before children and work out how you can weave some of that back into your life. You could make a list and just pick one thing or two things to start with.

For example:

Socialising with friends (old or new)
Sport or exercise (can also a way to socialise if part of a team)
Reading (can also help you to make conversations with friends) or a book club
Taking a promotion at work
Craft hobby

Agree with your DH that two evenings a week (or whatever works for you both) are yours for at least 12 months to dedicate to your own health/hobbies/social network. This is not a luxury, we all need friends in case of emergencies, we all need to exercise to take care of our bodies so this is benefical for you all as a family, not just you. If your DH cannot understand this or will not facilitate it then perhaps he is in fact the problem.

Take it slowly. If for example, you decide to take up the gym, just dedicate a night to turn up there, in your kit and look around. Don’t put pressure on yourself to do a work out. The next time, choose one machine to use and stay for 15 mins. The next time book an induction. Build it up slowly.

Reading - don’t aim to read War and Peace. Start with 30 mins reading a short, easy book and build from there up to a list of recommended books, or look into joining a book club.

If this feels overwhelming, consider a visit to the GP. Depression can make you feel helpless and simple tasks can feel impossible to start, ergo the cycle continues. Meds can lift the cloud and enable you to tackle these issues which may solve the problem.

Then consider if your marriage is worth saving or not.

I don't think your husband is responsible for making you happy you need to make yourself happy and see where this leaves the relationship

Agree with others. It may be that the marriage is over. But you need to be sure. And at the
Moment you sound like you are working full time and in the trenches with young kids. When your youngest gets to primary and you drop off and pick up two at the same time from the same place and your childcare bill is massively reduced-perspectives often shift. It sounds like either martyrdom or depression has set in. It is not acceptable to never take a moment for yourself. You cannot pour from an empty cup. You deserve happiness but you have to work at it sometimes. And work on yourself. I think you have a long way to go to declare the marriage over especially as your DH does sound like a partner in parenting at least.

You sound lost and sad and ready for a shift or change. I'd work on yourself for a year get your youngest to school. Then reassess. If it turns out the marriage is over-it's not a crime. And stop making yourself feel guilty for a decision you haven't even made yet. Deal with that shitfest of feelings when you get there.

For now the question should be. How do I feel even 5% more energized. What makes me smile? What do I enjoy. What might I like to work towards and try? And take tiny steps. How can I be kind to myself, can I lower my standards somewhere to take the edge off?

Does he do any parenting? You should both have equal amounts of free time to do fun stuff. If he’s got all this time to go to the football and darts, when does he sort out the dinner and kids stuff in the evenings so you can go out with friends? If he doesn’t, he should. That’s your problem.

Or better still get into a regular pattern of you having equal time to yourself. You don't even need to go out, but it sounds like his default is that if you are there then he can go off to to the pub. That's not fair.

I think it is really easy to lose yourself in family life with work and children. men are much better at looking after their own needs than women generally in terms of hobbies etc.

perhaps you should look to carve out some time for yourself. What about an evening walk or run with your neighbour now the evenings are getting lighter and hubby can do bath and bed etc. maybe see some girlfriends for dinner one evening ?

perhaps a visit to your doctor will help. Not sure how old you are, but it could be perimenopause.

Do you think you might be depressed? When I wasn't well, I didn't laugh or feel light, I felt numb, slow down and barely had any joy or happiness. You've got a lot on your plate, maybe see a GP and try some medication? I've fallen in love with life again

I felt similar when my kids were a similar age. I was ready to end it with DH. It sounds utterly ridiculous but a rota saved our marriage.

We have two nights in the week each that are our 'going out' nights. They are for us to go out and do something individually ourselves, be it for hobbies, going out or just having a walk.

The person staying home does the kids bedtime, housework etc. So there is an equal split of hobbies/me time and drudgery for both parents.

You also need to start being a bit more selfish and a bit less selfless. It took me a long time to just accept I need to drop everything and get myself out of the house. It doesn't matter if everything isn't done, my time is the priority.

You are getting wise advice here.

Divorce is not something to rush into and certainly not something you want to regret.

We need specifics.

So you both work full-time and share the load?

He goes out how many evenings and for how long?

Because if he is out several evenings then you are doing it all.

It is very hard to work full-time and face into an evening of catch up and bed times....alone.

That IS relentless.

So be honest as to how many evenings you are on your own.

Besides the above, this could be a situation where it is up to only you to fix things.

Talk to your GP, are you possible stressed/depressed, a bit early menopausal, which can lower your moods for years without you necessarily thinking menopause.

Life when they are very small is relentless, but you have to find some joy in it for yourself.

What are your gratitudes?

It may sound hokey but when I got a bit low and when I felt overwhelmed with 4 children, a husband travelling and being tired, I would take a few minutes to remind myself of my blessings, of which I had many.
Healthy children, good husband, no money issues, my own health, dear friends......they would have been my main ones.

As an absolute priority you need to do something for you every week.

I remember a woman I knew vaguely 15 years ago saying that she went for a walk several evenings a week with a friend. She said it was their life saver, cost nothing, good for her MH and general help and it was the only thing she did for herself.
Would you and your neighbour start that?

You give so much to your family, you now need to listen to your body and mind giving you a real warning that you need to look at your self care.

Wishing you well.

Thank you so much for your reply.
Maybe i am a bit lost. I thought it was him making me unhappy but writing it down here and getting this advice has made me realise, it's not him, it's me!
We don't spend much time together tbh. an hour or so in the evenings watching TV before bed. that's it.

If I said that to him, he would tell me to go and have a great time! He wouldn't batter an eyelid.
He does his fair share and will do whatever jobs i ask him to do. It's just me, I take it all on. And I don't know why

You do actually sound a bit depressed ready your OP. I would go and investigate that first with your GP. It’s possible you may need some help to feel like your old self again. Don’t rush into divorce. No young child ever said “I hope my parents get divorced and I’ll only see them for half the week each” . That’s not to say that everyone should stay together forever but you need to explore your feelings more and see if making some changes to your life can help lift your spirits. You need to be able to talk openly to your partner about how you are feeling and how you can perhaps both tackle finding time to reconnect a bit and for you to go and go and do your own thing. So many women play the martyr when it comes to kids. They won’t suffer from you having some “me” time and you will probably benefit a lot. Exercise and maybe even chemical help from the GP could see a real change in how you feel.

I disagree with PP that your husband sounds like he pulls his weight. That can't be true if he gets free time to socialise and have hobbies but you don't.

HOWEVER this doesn't sound like an insurmountable problem. Unless there's a lot more that you're not saying, it sounds like your marriage needs work but you haven't really done anything to try and fix it yet. Marriage is a commitment and it won't always be easy. Sometimes it will take effort. I agree with the poster who said that when you have children you owe it to them to exhaust all avenues to try and get things back on track before you call it quits (obviously this doesn't apply if there is abuse) because even an amicable divorce does affect them, sometimes profoundly. It's an uncomfortable truth but one that parents should acknowledge.

It sounds like you need a frank conversation with your husband about the marriage and to get on the same page. There's no point in you flogging yourself to fix things if he's checked out emotionally already. So he needs to stop just flippantly saying "I'll leave then" and really think about what he wants. Then you need a plan of attack. You both need to be happy as individuals, otherwise you can't be happy as a couple. You both need equal free time - this is very important - and you need to invest in yourself. These years where you have young children are HARD. It's when lots of women in particular completely lose their own identities, and it sounds like this is what's happening with you. You need to feel like a person in your own right again, not just a wife and a mother and a colleague etc.

You both need to prioritise your marriage. Have weekly check-ins and discuss how the plan is going. Do you feel like you've had enough time for yourself this week? Can you schedule an hour as a couple to go for a walk while the kids are with a grandparent or your friend? Make sure it stays at the top of your agenda and you don't just have one conversation and then slip back into the drudgery of day to day life. If you can't make any headway just the two of you, have a look for a marriage counselor.

It doesn't need to be over yet. There are lots of things to explore before you get to that point.

Hey op.
I would definitely speak to your gp. I went through this, I cancelled our wedding out of nowhere and told (my not DH) that I didn't love him any more. I felt numb, indifferent.
My mum suggested PND and I laughed at her. Until I started to feel numb/indifferent towards my kids and I realised it wasn't DH it was me!

Luckily my DH knew something was wrong, and we got back together after I had gotten help. And we're now happily married with more kids.

Your DH isn't responsible for your happiness, you are. I do everything you say you're doing but still have time to socialise and do things for myself.

OP, you say he does his fair share, yet you also said, "My evenings are spent sorting out the kids dinners, bedtimes, uniforms etc for the next day, hanging a wash out etc."

So fair share means he does this half the week and you get to relax and maybe take up a hobby, no?

If I were you I'd work on carving out a more fulfilling life for yourself within marriage and see if that works.

This.

He does his fair share and will do whatever jobs i ask him to do.

Asking a grown adult to do their fair share means you have the heavier mental load. He really shouldn't need to be told what to do, he's not 5!

Besides, he really doesn't do his fair share since he has time to relax and do hobbies and you're beavering about doing household tasks. He needs to take on some taks and just do them without you asking as if he's doing you a favour.

Sorry you're feeling like this.

I've been through similar but only had one child at the time. I couldn't stand to be around him but he was doing nothing wrong. I just felt like I had nothing left of myself, I hated myself. I took up an active hobby and within a month felt like me again. I started to fall back in love with him and that feeling has never left me - he is my best friend.

We are still together and very, very happy. Looking back, I had undiagnosed post natal depression and I just carried on in a fog for years.

Please don't end your marriage when you have no reasons to apart from the way you feel about yourself. I think ending your marriage would be something you regret.

It sounds like you might need to speak to the doctor.