I think my marriage is over

[Mumma2Ro]

I’ll try and keep the story short
I’ve been with my husband for 13 years this year, married for 8 years. We have 2 amazing children 5 years old and 3 years old.
i don’t remember the last time I felt happy
i don’t remember the last time I laughed
I don’t remember the last time I had fun
i don’t remember who I am
i miss the old me. Fun, loud, bubbly, chatty, friendly, sociable. Now I am none of those things. I am boring, I am irritable, I am snappy, I am down, I am unsociable.
My husband doesn’t make me happy anymore.
I love him but am I in love with him? I don’t know.
we had a big argument tonight as he said he was going to the pub to play darts, he strolled home at 3am! I told him I haven’t been happy for months, he said he will leave. He said if he makes me unhappy he will go.
I said no. I told him not to. Why did i say that ? Why didn’t I tell him to leave, to give me space for me to see if I can be happier without him. Why?
cos of my kids. They LOVE him to bits and he is amazing with them. We share the childcare (school drops and pick ups) as we both work full time. He does a lot with them and is very hands on.
if he were to leave, if we were to separate it would ruin my kids. They would be absolutely heartbroken. So that’s why I’ve told him not to leave even though deep down I’m pretty sure I would be happier on my own.
and to be honest financially I couldn’t cope on my own with the mortgage and bills etc. how bloody sad is that!!
Anyway I’m sorry for the rant. I’m in tears as I’m typing this….. hoping there’s someone in a similar situation I can talk to. Thank you xx

@Mumma2Ro
I am in the same boat by mine are teens.
A lot of brilliant advice on this thread.
Please seek help and try and get time to nourish you.
Also think about whether it is just you time that you crave or together time with your DH or family time.
I think all 3 are very important to cultivate at this stage.
I find that when kids get older the void is bigger..if you have not prioritised yourself and your relationship and also got into a routine of family time it soon gets very lovely and more depressing.
It is frustrating your DH gets time to socialise. I also get it that he would never say no to you socialising as mine is similar.
I am not someone who asks for and demands things so I find it hard to say "you need to do this and now it's mu turn etc "
It's not easy and it can feel very lonely. I also get so annoyed that only we women feel this way.
But it's not too late. Like everything else, it's building a habit.
Good luck. You are young and you can turn things around..

Most marriages are like this : boring and convenient once the children are here as the children require a lot of attention , naturally.

Your husband sounds great, tbh. Why don't you ask your bestie to babysit so you can have an evening out together?

Why are you an unhappy person when you met and married him? Probably not. Why then are you making it his responsibility to make you happy? It does not sound as though he is doing anything to make you unhappy, and it also does not sound as though you are doing anything actively to create or to contribute to your own happiness.

Is it his job to make you happy? You were not broken and unhappy when he met and married you. He was not signing up to fix you. You both thought that you were marrying happy people.

Your description of you life sounds monotonous and humdrum. Maybe , you are conflating humdrum and unhappiness.

It sounds as though your husband is creating a life that is not solely dependent upon activities and interactions with you and involving your household. Perhaps you could take that page from his book.

You describe your pre-marriage self in some very active terms. Did that self die from starvation and abandonment? It certainly does not sound as though you have been nurturing and supporting those aspects of your being, and you are now attributing the resulting malaise to unhappiness in your marriage. However, even the healthiest of living things will die or diminishweddining edhout adequate nourishment and care.

Now may be the time to replenish yourself, learn from your husband. You are not just wife , and mother. Find activities that interest you and provide inner satisfaction for you. When you were single and happy who was then responsible for creating and maintaining your happiness? That is not a responsibility or burden that you passed on to on to your husband along with your wedding vows.

If your life is now boring, it is because you are actively choosing to be and to do boring .

There’s some really good advice here and I agree it sounds as though you’re very down and it doesn’t appear (from what you’ve said) to be a case of LTB at all. Maybe the reason you said “don’t go” when he offered is because you know that really.
Do go and see your GP - and seek counseling for yourself if you can. Does your workplace have a wellbeing offering - quite a lot of places do now? If it’s a reasonable sized firm ask your line manager or HR if there’s any mental health support they can link you with as you’ve been suffering from low mood - you’d be surprised what support can be available.
Also maybe try and make time to talk to your H about how you’ve been feeling in yourself, from what you’ve said he may not understand but would try and support you. Focus on “I” statements. “I feel disconnected from the person I used to be”, “I don’t feel myself” (not the trap of “you” eg “you went to the pub”, “you don’t care about me” etc).

Most of all be kind to yourself. Five full years of raising preschoolers is such hard going even in the best of circumstances and you’ve had a global pandemic in the middle of it as well. Personally I think the effects of that on mental wellbeing are not to be underestimated.

Tbh your husband sounds like a good one. I think this is something where you need to look at other factors and talk to him. You have stated you love him, marriages are hard work and tbh I don't know if throwing in the towel is a good thing.

I don't think that's true. I don't think most people in marriages feel the way that OP is describing; burned out, lost, unmotivated, unfulfilled, unhappy.

Sure when you've got little kids life is hectic and repetitive and things can certainly feel boring for periods of time, but it's not inevitable that people in marriages with small kids feel like OP and it's not something she needs to accept. My life is pretty boring and samey right now but I'm not deeply unhappy or feeling like my marriage is over!

Have you fallen into the martyr trap? That you do too much for the family and feel somehow bad for doing stuff for yourself? You need to get out of that mindset - it will be way worse for them if you snapped and left and split the family.

So much better for all of you prioritise yourself as well. It does get easier to do as they get older. Also you want your teens to see a fun woman with stuff going on not a mum drudge.

Wow I am overwhelmed with your replies!
What amazing words and advice, thank you all so much for taking the time to reply.
I think from reading all of your comments, I am the reason I am unhappy, not my husband.
I need to find something for me again, a hobby. But what, I do not know. I will do my research and find something I think I will enjoy
Thank you all

I wish people wouldn't trot out the old argument over and over again that a happy mum is better than a bored, unfulfilled mum (which is the OPs case). She's not abused, H is not a dick, kids are happy with both parents. To lose their home and stability is not to be done lightly. No one can predict whether mum will be genuinely happy on her own, struggling with bills, housing and juggling job etc. it may be the case everyone is unhappier.

Op needs to get some counselling. Work out what's wrong in the marriage. What might fix it and what can her H do to help her. Believe me the grass isn't always greener.

That's a good idea OP. What was it that made you happy before kids? Did you have hobbies, go out with friends? Date nights with your partner? A bubble bath with a good book?

Well yes, but it's not all on the OP. Her husband may also need to not disappear off until 3am playing darts🤔 when they have an argument.

It sounds to me like you may have depression. I'm not denying the issue with your husband but maybe concentrate on you for a bit- find the things you used to enjoy and devote some time to you (I know not easy with kids and a FT job) you make get your mojo back. Then you can look at your marriage. Your husband sounds like a good man. Shame to throw the baby out with the bath water.

Think about an exercise class, something like Zumba/Fitsteps/Bodypump.

They hold these sort of classes in the studio we go to for our dance class, the girls always seem to come out buzzing!
Energy begets energy.

Som counselling sessions to figure out why you do it all and resent it, would be so much cheaper than divorce!

Is he sharing the load or being given jobs?
There is a difference.

You need to divide the load and make it clear this is his load to be responsible for.

He's a partner, not an employee without any responsibilities for anything.

Glad this thread has helped you.

People are claiming you're the reason you're unhappy @Mumma2Ro , but if he was doing his half of the housework/organization etc at home, you would have some more time and energy to do you're own thing, like he has.

He gets to do his thing after all, because he's leaving so much of it up to you.

In fairness to the DH @OldFan, OP did say this when asked about that very thing..

He does his fair share and will do whatever jobs i ask him to do. It's just me, I take it all on. And I don't know why

I'd fully agree with you IF he was disappearing every night and never lifting a finger, but I've known others like the OP who take everything on to be done 'their way' not leaving room for anyone else to help, and certainly not asking for help.

He is going out to do stuff that entertains him sometimes.

@Mumma2Ro If that's right then you need to let yourself do less. If you think you'd benefit from help doing so, you could try therapy. My mum isn't like that with housework but she's like it with other things, voluntary work etc. It's how she was brought up, brought up Catholic (though atheist as an adult) and for her personally it means she feels she should be doing stuff a lot of the time. She's had therapy to try and let herself chill out.

The first 5 years of Motherhood is hard, wonderful but really fucking hard! It’s totally normal to feel exhausted, a bit lonely, like you don’t have any fun time for yourself, that you are distant from your husband and your sex life isn’t what it once was. If you are the parent who has been at home a lot, while your husband still goes to work and has much more of a social life, then it’s totally normal to feel a bit resentful of them. I can relate 100% and looking back I probably should have gone to the GP to discuss counselling or anti-depressants. Do you have friends with young children who you could chat to about what you are feeling, I bet many of them will echo the same situation. From my situation - it does get better and better as your children get older. I’m getting my social life and hobbies back again now that my children are all at school, hubby and I have come back together stronger than ever. I would really urge you to speak to a GP about the way you are feeling before making any sudden decision about your marriage.

Hi all.
So me and my best friend have scheduled in monthly night out for us to either go for a drink, for dinner or to the cinema.
we are also planning on going for evening walks once a week.
and I have decided to treat myself to a massage once month
still looking into local exercise classes

This sounds like an amazing plan - well done!

Sounds great. Also make sure you take your breaks at work. Try and step outside on them and see day light and breathe fresh air. Keep trying different things and see what makes you feel good. You sound in the right mind to break some cycles and open yourself up. Things will shift. Talk to your husband tell him the realization you have had.

This is a good idea.

I go to a Kung fu class twice a week. It was so liberating to realize I could actually do this and it's so lovely to drive off by myself at 5:30pm, speak to other adults and not have to do kids bedtime!

Well done OP.

Self care is so important.

I am always telling friends that are in their 40's and starting their menopausal journey that self care is critical to help you get through it as well as you can do.

This IS both an investment in you AND your family.

Wishing you well.

@Mumma2Ro you've been really proactive in finding things to do that make you happy - well done!

I guarantee that you will fall back in step together. Your children are really young still and it is hard, but you don't have to lose yourself forever.

Once you feel more "you", get a babysitter and do something together, even just a trip to the cinema or take turns cooking for each other (we do this every week and it's my favourite night!).