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Original poster

He finds a colleague attractive

105 replies

JustTiredOfThis · 01/03/2023 19:57

My boyfriend of several years admitted today that he finds a colleague attractive. He never compliments me and has said that I am a 5 or 6/10 in attractiveness terms. I often day to him that I feel like I have to beg him for any affection and yet he is ok to acknowledge that he finds his workmate hot.

I feel like this is information that I don’t need to know and can’t be helpful to a long term relationship.

Am I just overreacting? Perhaps I am. He says that I am and that he can’t be expected not to look at her backside etc.

OP posts:
sealon82 · 02/03/2023 16:30

Well I must say your boyfriend sounds like a real catch... the type of guy any girl would dream of!
He is a massive prick! You can do better. Normal people do not try to destroy there girlfriends self esteem.... ARSEHOLE!!!
Please get rid 😘

MsDogLady · 02/03/2023 16:42

Why see him ever again, @JustTiredOfThis? Clearly this relationship is not working for you.

What this bully says is not gospel. Stop believing his guff. Narcissistic bullies enjoy building themselves up by tearing others down and making them feel insecure. If he was in a relationship with this colleague, he’d do the same to her.

Of great concern is that you’ve tolerated and internalized his degradation of you. You’re self harming by asking him to rate other women and ruminating over it. If you had healthy boundaries, you’d have dumped this creep as soon as he showed his true colors.

My advice is to bin him asap and access IC to strengthen your self-esteem and gain effective coping strategies to help you spot and protect yourself against abusers like him.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 02/03/2023 16:54

Tell him you’ve rated him at 2/10 due to his complete inability to see what an inconsiderate jerk he is.

DuvetDownn · 02/03/2023 16:58

Dump him and find someone who thinks you’re a 10/10.

ArianahX · 02/03/2023 17:24

Don't make time for him next weekend. He's not worth it. Life's too short to spend with a loser like him!!

Puppers · 02/03/2023 18:37

JustTiredOfThis · 02/03/2023 15:58

Hi - I’m ok thanks. I’m feeling very tired and sad and honestly a bit ugly.

I won’t see him now until next weekend.

This isn't how someone who loves you should make you feel. And he's doing it deliberately and systematically. Ask yourself why he would do that. Why would he want you to feel ugly, to feel lucky that he's with you, to feel threatened by other (possibly not real) women? It's absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with the kind of person he is. He wants to erode your self esteem away to nothing because that will make you easier to subdue and control, and because it makes him feel powerful.

Lampzade · 02/03/2023 18:43

He is deliberately trying to upset you.
He rates you 6 out of 10 and then tells you that he finds a colleague attractive…

BounceyB · 02/03/2023 19:21

BigFatLiar · 01/03/2023 20:07

It's normal to find people attractive even if you're in a loving relationship. You don't stop being human. Acting on it is a problem though.

However I'd say that this

He never compliments me and has said that I am a 5 or 6/10 in attractiveness terms. I often day to him that I feel like I have to beg him for any affection

Is the main issue.
I have no great claim to beauty but my OH compliments me and tells me how lucky he is to have me (even at our age). You shouldn't need to beg for affection or compliments, these should be the norm.

This.

I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world but my partner thinks I am because he loves me. He shouldn't be talking like this to you. It's really tactless and disrespectful.

Original poster
JustTiredOfThis · 02/03/2023 19:37

I just messaged him and asked if he found me attractive. He replied ‘what are you on about now’.

When I replied that it was a simple question he then said his was also a simple question and why did I feel the need to aak the same question over and over again.

I genuinely think that I am done. I have just had enough of feeling like I begging for affection and approval. And nothing is ever good enough. I never meet expectations.

sobbing.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 02/03/2023 19:38

A decent man would say "of course I do. Are you ok?"

Original poster
JustTiredOfThis · 02/03/2023 19:43

GoodChat · 02/03/2023 19:38

A decent man would say "of course I do. Are you ok?"

As would I say to him. But instead I get a kid of gaslighting where he tries to make out I’m unreasonable in my Demands and am jealous/irrational.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 02/03/2023 20:22

And nothing is ever good enough.

Nothing will ever be good enough for this particular man. It’s intentional. Demeaning and tearing women down is his M.O. in all his relationships.

He enjoys baiting and humiliating you. You are continuing to harm yourself by engaging with him and giving him opportunities to humiliate you. Please stop subjugating yourself and doing the pick me dance for this devious controller who gets a charge out of unsettling you.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 02/03/2023 20:33

Longlurker1 · 01/03/2023 20:03

Chap here. Why would you want to be with anyone who feels the need to 'rate' you and tell you your score (knowing well that the score is low). The same person then feels it's OK to tell you that someone they work rates even better. You can do better than this - find someone who loves you as you are

OP. This^^^

You can do and so deserve SOOOO much better.

Your boyfriend sounds like a rotten pig 💐

PinotPony · 02/03/2023 20:36
  1. Pick your self esteem up off the floor.
  2. Tell him to fuck off.
  3. Find a man who thinks you're beautiful inside and out (and tells you!)!
BubziOwl · 02/03/2023 20:41

Very odd for him to randomly decide to tell you your "rating", but in any case - any partner knows full well the correct rating is 10/10. Like come on! Why would you say any less?!

He knew full well it would upset you - I'd very much wager he was deliberately trying to lower your confidence. I've heard some particularly vile men openly admit they do this to make sure they have the upper hand in the relationship, to deter a partner from leaving them, and to basically get them to put up with rubbish behaviour.

Get rid imo.

Penguinsmum · 02/03/2023 20:56

I wouldn't treat an enemy the way he treats you. You should be treated like the most precious thing not like you aren't good enough. It doesn't sound like he even likes you. You know you deserve so much better. He is the lowest of the low.

WidthofaLine · 02/03/2023 21:16

I'll rate him....

He's dogshit.

Harryisabollock · 02/03/2023 21:41

Don't even bother to see him again - dump him by text, then block and do something for yourself that makes you feel good.

username1722 · 02/03/2023 22:54

Please get rid of him. He's putting you down, deliberately making you feel insecure, and then gaslighting you.

He's giving you a 5 out of 10 rating??? Who does that, least of all a boyfriend? And him saying he can't be expected to look at her backside? Honestly, he sounds disgusting.

Do yourself a favour and leave him. You can do so much better than him.

I bet you're beautiful so do not let this man make you feel anything less.

Mom2K · 02/03/2023 23:11

I had this with my ex husband. He was constantly looking at and engaging with other women online, pornography etc and ignored me, didn't compliment me etc. In fairness, I'm the one that asked what he would rate me...and he gave me a 6/10 too. I don't believe for one moment that I am a 6/10 but it didn't change the fact that his answer hurt. I guess the reason I asked in the first place is because I believe that anyone who truly loves their partner is going to say that they're a 10 or at the very least, nearly a 10.

The fact that he scored me as a 6 with no regard to how that would make me feel (even though I asked the question) was proof to me that he didn't love or respect me at all. And even if he was being honest and only thought I was a 6...I don't want to be with someone who views me that way. My ex too would point out other women he found hot like if we were watching a show or if he had gone somewhere alone he'd come back and tell me how a cashier was hitting on him or whatever to try and make me jealous.

You can see why he's my ex. It's not you OP, there is nothing wrong with you at all. You are not ugly and I am sure there are men who to them, you would indeed be a 10. Your bf is being deliberately mean. It's a direct attack to make you feel bad about yourself and keep you in your place to be oh so grateful that a twat like him will give you the time of day. I know that I'm not a 6 and him saying that I was doesn't make it so. It just makes him less attractive because he's not a good or kind person.

Don't be hurt OP, get angry. You don't deserve this and nothing he says is true. Get rid of him. Don't beg for his attention, that's what he wants. It's about having power and being in control, it's why he does this to you. In a proper relationship with a non abusive person they would be making you feel loved and secure in the relationship. This guy is a misogynistic pervert.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 02/03/2023 23:21

The issue isn't him finding someone attractive. That's normal, many of us do.

The issue is your boyfriend being horrible to you. Saying you're a 5/6 is nasty and said to bring you down. Your partner is meant to think you're the most beautiful person in the world... even if that's usually not true!

He's being cruel to you.

RedDeath614 · 02/03/2023 23:26

Surely this is negging?
Also OP, you're with a narcissist/abuser.
This is abuse. He's abusing you. He knows you have a disability and this leaves you in a vulnerable position re your self esteem. But he chooses to be cruel to you anyway. Only a total bastard would do that.
Please for the love of God run away from him. Very fast!

And then post his number on here so we can all enjoy telling him his rating.

Hawkins003 · 02/03/2023 23:27

Ltb

RedDeath614 · 02/03/2023 23:28

And I wouldn't bother seeing him again. I wouldn't even bother telling him he's dumped.
Just block him and move on! Every time you engage with this creep it'll destroy you even more.

Tuilpmouse · 03/03/2023 07:21

JustTiredOfThis · 01/03/2023 21:02

I didn’t ask to be rated but once I had been rated I’m afraid that I went into a bit of a meltdown (genuinely) and started obsessively asking what other women were out of ten. I was the lowest rated.

Rating you as a 5 or 6 is bad enough, but then rating you as LOWEST amongst those you mentioned to him is just vile and nasty.

I'm amazed you carried on asking him once he gave his first woman you asked a higher score than you!

You need to ditch him. He's bad news and will never make you happy.

You also need to work on your self-esteem, because it's clearly at rock bottom. No one with an ounce of self-worth would have continued to ask him to rate women who he consistently scored higher than you.

Seriously you must LTC! (LTB seems to kind - I'll let you work out what the C stands for)

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