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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He finds a colleague attractive

105 replies

JustTiredOfThis · 01/03/2023 19:57

My boyfriend of several years admitted today that he finds a colleague attractive. He never compliments me and has said that I am a 5 or 6/10 in attractiveness terms. I often day to him that I feel like I have to beg him for any affection and yet he is ok to acknowledge that he finds his workmate hot.

I feel like this is information that I don’t need to know and can’t be helpful to a long term relationship.

Am I just overreacting? Perhaps I am. He says that I am and that he can’t be expected not to look at her backside etc.

OP posts:
Johnisafckface · 01/03/2023 20:53

He's negging you. Don't fall for it. Just get rid of the prick.

WidthofaLine · 01/03/2023 20:56

Cruel man.

Move away from the cruel people.

WandaWonder · 01/03/2023 20:58

Did he randomly say youare a 5/6 out of 10 or did you ask to be rated out of 10?

Former sure odd the latter odd question to ask then be upset about the answer

Finding other people attractive is normal pointing and and saying to you 'I think she is a 8 and you are a 5/6' is weird

So depends on how it's said, but I thought all this number thing was left back in school regardless

Original poster
JustTiredOfThis · 01/03/2023 21:02

I didn’t ask to be rated but once I had been rated I’m afraid that I went into a bit of a meltdown (genuinely) and started obsessively asking what other women were out of ten. I was the lowest rated.

OP posts:
FishandChipsarelife · 01/03/2023 21:08

JustTiredOfThis · 01/03/2023 21:02

I didn’t ask to be rated but once I had been rated I’m afraid that I went into a bit of a meltdown (genuinely) and started obsessively asking what other women were out of ten. I was the lowest rated.

That's all I needed to hear. He rates you without you asking him to and then when you are clearly upset by it he doesn't even try to make you feel better, he just compounds it by ensuring you were the lowest rank. Prick.

Deezeboob · 01/03/2023 21:08

Wow @JustTiredOfThis this made me feel sick!

Get rid of this shallow low life. What a disgusting thing to say and do. That poor woman too. Being objectified by such a sleaze. This man has no respect for you, or any woman, OP. Put him in the bin.

Puppalicious · 01/03/2023 21:13

This man actively dislikes you it seems. Nasty piece of work - you really need to dump him for your own self esteem.

WandaWonder · 01/03/2023 21:14

I still think the rating thing is something children do but op if a friend told you what you put in the op and asked for advice what would you say?

Go with that

Duckingella · 01/03/2023 21:16

Any man who loves his woman believes in his eyes she's a 10 of a 10,he should never tell her otherwise or openly brag that he ogles his female colleagues arse.He should lift you up not try to drag you down.

UWhatNow · 01/03/2023 21:20

Aquamarine1029 · 01/03/2023 20:46

Raise your standards. Do yourself the biggest favour of your life and dump this fuckwit.

Yep agreed.

Nelly10 · 01/03/2023 21:28

Honestly get rid! Who needs this in their life !

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 01/03/2023 21:29

JustTiredOfThis · 01/03/2023 21:02

I didn’t ask to be rated but once I had been rated I’m afraid that I went into a bit of a meltdown (genuinely) and started obsessively asking what other women were out of ten. I was the lowest rated.

Oh OP that's bloody horrible. This man doesn't love or respect you. Nobody with a decent bone in their body would say something so cruel to a stranger - let alone the person they are supposed to love and cherish!

When we truly love someone we don't see them as "objectively attractive" - it's like our emotions put a filter on them, we're seeing them through the lens of love.

My husband was objectively an ugly man (as he was often the first to say) but because I loved him, he was a 10/10 in my eyes. Then we split up and I thought he was 2/10 at best 😂

You deserve so much more than this joke of a man. Please set yourself free from him.

MsDogLady · 01/03/2023 21:56

JTOT, why are you with this mean-spirited misogynist who objectifies women and gets a buzz from putting you down? You’re doing yourself a great disservice by sticking with this horror of a man.

Surround yourself with those who enrich your life, not those who stomp on your dignity.

Housefullofcatsandkids · 01/03/2023 22:00

By rating you and positioning you lower than other women he is purposefully giving you self esteem issues. This is a him problem not you and you need to leave for your own mental health. He likes making you feel insecure by the sound of it and whatever his reason for that it's not something you should have to put up with.

Dery · 01/03/2023 22:02

He sounds pretty awful, OP. Can you not get rid?

Jooliusreezer · 01/03/2023 22:35

JustTiredOfThis · 01/03/2023 21:02

I didn’t ask to be rated but once I had been rated I’m afraid that I went into a bit of a meltdown (genuinely) and started obsessively asking what other women were out of ten. I was the lowest rated.

He’s a despicable prick.

LightSpeeds · 01/03/2023 22:39

Longlurker1 · 01/03/2023 20:03

Chap here. Why would you want to be with anyone who feels the need to 'rate' you and tell you your score (knowing well that the score is low). The same person then feels it's OK to tell you that someone they work rates even better. You can do better than this - find someone who loves you as you are

This.

It sounds like he isn't doing your self-esteem any good.

Kittlbua · 01/03/2023 23:26

He is absolutely awful.
He deliberately rated you low to damage your self-esteem. This is a commonly used tactic. Do a number on someone's self-esteem so they feel like they don't deserve better and that they are lucky to have this particular partner. This means the partner has you in a position where you will put up with unacceptable behaviour in order to keep the relationship because you feel you aren't worthy of someone else or that no one else will find you attractive.
I had this for 5 years with my ex. It has taken 4 years to recover some semblance of self-esteem.
Get rid of him before it gets any worse. You will feel better. Spend time building your own self-esteem and self-worth. This is important because often people with low self-esteem attract these types and you can get into a cycle of poor relationships.
And once you start to feel more confident in yourself, you will find someone better who rates you 10/10. If you truly love someone they are always a 10 in your eyes.

Lesina · 01/03/2023 23:33

Tell him to get to fuck but not before reminding him that women are not a bloody scoreboard. He is a moron. Get rid.

Sorchamarie · 01/03/2023 23:47

Agree with everyone saying you should not stay with this man. He will continue to erode your self esteem if you do, which must sadly already be very low if you cannot see that you deserve better than how this piss poor excuse of a man is treating you.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 02/03/2023 00:07

I agree with previous posters. This man is destroying you. You will be happier without him.

Eyerollcentral · 02/03/2023 00:07

JustTiredOfThis · 01/03/2023 21:02

I didn’t ask to be rated but once I had been rated I’m afraid that I went into a bit of a meltdown (genuinely) and started obsessively asking what other women were out of ten. I was the lowest rated.

Ditch him. Regardless of how any of us actually look we shouldn’t settle for any one who does not rate us 10/10

BrightSaturn · 02/03/2023 00:11

Never have sex with this man again.

Deathbyfluffy · 02/03/2023 00:11

JustTiredOfThis · 01/03/2023 20:39

This has actually really hit me. There’s no way he doesn’t know that this is not a good thing to say.

I have a disability which causes me problems in relating to people and even I wouldn’t say anything like that. He actually asked me the other day if I liked one of my colleagues and I refused to answer because I don’t think that would be helpful.

Show quote history

Dump him - I’m a man and rating like that is horrible.

Out of interest, if he asked you if you liked one of your colleagues (I assume he meant in a romantic way) why would you refuse to answer unless you did?
Not defending his actions at all, but you’ve probably not helped things - he’ll likely suspect the worst now

Everyonesinvited · 02/03/2023 00:15

You poor poor thing. Hard to believe anyone could be so vile but I do believe it.

Clutching at straws but is there any possibility he is very dim and thinks of you as not particularly but someone he loves dearly for their other qualities - personality etc? It wouldn't make it acceptable but it would be relevant to know. Some men cheerfully acknowledge their wives are no Cindy Crawford but they love them for them.

I realise this is probably not how it is and he's probably an utter git who you shouldn't waste another second upon.