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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Serious news. First thing BF did...

80 replies

thecatsmeows · 01/03/2023 18:31

...was to make a joke about it. Even worse, the joke made the situation all about him.

I've name changed for this as I think he knows my username.

I'm a two times cancer survivor, in my mid 50s. Boyfriend of over a decade, doesn't live with me due to his work...he's over a hundred miles away. I see him on average once a month for a week, go on holidays abroad, etc. Suits us both fine.

Unfortunately in the last few years he's become increasingly self absorbed. He's an only child, and sadly lives up to the cliche. Every phone call recently has been him talking about himself. I mentioned once I was having hot flushes: "Oh I am too" was his reply. He's like this with anything medical...if I have it, he does too...and worse than me.

He gave me covid a month ago...it's the first time I've had it, I don't go out much as I'm physically disabled. I know it was him, as he was the first person I'd seen face to face in 3 weeks...he tested positive 24 hours after he arrived...I tested positive 2 days later. He recovered in less than a week, took no time off work (was able to work from home). It's the third time he's had it. He didn't bother to test before coming up to see me, even though he was already having symptoms. He tested because we were going to meet friends 'and he didn't want to put them at risk'

I had it bad, I was in hospital for a week, was on paxlovid etc. Been back at home for 2 weeks. Started having bleeding from the bellybutton and severe abdominal pains over the weekend. Emergency appointment at GP, lots of swabs, blood etc taken for a lot of tests.

GP rang today, less than 24 hours after the tests. There's something wrong with my blood, it's going to involve more blood and other tests to nail it down. Best case scenario is a problem with my thyroid...but obviously with my medical history it 'could' be more serious. Now on the 2 week fast track for tests...

Boyfriend was working from home today...he can't take calls during working hours but can make them if he's got time. I'd not heard from him for hours, until I get a message saying 'you better not have diabetes, that's my thing'.... I couldn't help myself, I messaged back 'yes God forbid it's not all about you'. I've been accused of 'taking it out on him', 'it was only a joke'... my only reply since has been 'why would you be think the first thing to do would be to make a joke?' Then I got accused of saying he was an 'insensitive prick' (well if the shoe fits)...

The last lovely message I got was this (he's at the dentist to get a quote for implants, he doesn't like the look of his front teeth):

I was actually going to phone you when I came out of the dentist but I don't think I'll bother now if you think I'm so insensitive I've had people having a go at me all day today I wanted to contact you sooner but I have been so busy even if I am working from home.

I feel like he's proven my point without even realising it. All the 'I's in that message...I honestly don't know how to respond to this message, I'm so shocked.

Sorry this is so long!

OP posts:

Zanatdy · 01/03/2023 18:39

That sounds incredibly frustrating. I wouldn’t bother replying to be honest. If he calls you later I’d say that you feel sometimes he can be a bit self centred and his ‘joke’ rubbed you up the wrong way as there’s nothing funny about it at all. Especially when he had symptoms and knew you’re vulnerable. I wouldn’t have been impressed and sounds like you’ve really been through it bless you

tribpot · 01/03/2023 18:39

I'm not sure why you would respond to that message? It's designed to make you feel bad and that you're in the wrong. If you get another one from him, it will be designed to make you feel bad and that you're in the wrong. It will be about how his feelings are hurt and how stressful his day has been - who has headspace for that?

Why not focus on things which will cheer you up whilst you deal with this difficult medical situation? Lean on friends for support and frankly forget about this guy for the time being. I get that you're in a long term relationship (although not why) but given your lives are really quite separate, I would just crack on and deal with this when you're feeling better. Which I hope is soon.

Theunamedcat · 01/03/2023 18:43

Maybe respond do yourself a favour and don't bother im not competing with you over who is the sickest I'm concerned about my health and as per usual you are just concerned about YOU

or just have a think about what he brings to your life

Original poster

thecatsmeows · 01/03/2023 18:47

@tribpot If you get another one from him, it will be designed to make you feel bad and that you're in the wrong. It will be about how his feelings are hurt and how stressful his day has been - who has headspace for that?

Are you a psychic? I've literally had, and am still getting, a stream of messages telling me how horrible I am for having a go at him, and also all about how stressful not only his day, but week has been...

OP posts:

tribpot · 01/03/2023 18:49

I like @Theunamedcat 's response, followed by a swift blocking on all channels. It can't possibly be doing you any good to be receiving this hurtful nonsense from him.

Original poster

thecatsmeows · 01/03/2023 18:49

Because of course that's exactly what I need at this moment in time. When I'm worried about having cancer again....

I have no family in the UK and few friends. Utterly pathetic reason to stay, of course. In an ideal world I'd go back to my home country....

OP posts:

whatausername · 01/03/2023 18:53

What does he even bring to your life?

Stressyfab · 01/03/2023 18:59

I dated a guy like this when we were 20… my ultimate Conclusion was that he was too old to be behaving this way. I cannot imagine going through what you have and having to put up with this on the side! I hope you find it in you to cut him off, it doesn’t sound like he brings anything positive to your life? Apart from Covid obviously

Fancysauce · 01/03/2023 19:10

Why can't you go back to your home country?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/03/2023 19:19

I read the posts from the point of view of how I'd react if they had been sent to me.

'You know what, I can't be doing with this shit'.

It will save you a whole load of mental effort just to block him.

MisschiefMaker · 01/03/2023 19:26

The problem is he isn't understanding the context that you're seeing it in. From his point of view you lashed out over a minor transgression, whereas in reality you've let a grudge build up without addressing it then you snapped at the cumulative instances of him being self-centered.

I sympathise because I'm sure he is a self centered only child so no wonder it grates on you, but this isn't really the right way to deal with issues of you want an outcome that works for you.

Greydogs123 · 01/03/2023 19:27

Being in a relationship should make you feel supported and less alone. It should bring something positive to your life. It sounds like this relationship has reached the end of the road - he doesn’t seem to care an awful lot for you any more, sadly.

Regularsizedrudy · 01/03/2023 19:34

Really sorry you’ve had bad news and sincerely hope it’s nothing serious.

Why are you with him? It really doesn’t sound like you like him very much even before this incident

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/03/2023 19:42

I've literally had, and am still getting, a stream of messages telling me how horrible I am for having a go at him, and also all about how stressful not only his day, but week has been...

Please don't put up with this, when you are feeling so poorly and worried. I would respond if you haven't got anything nice to say to me, when I'm sick and worried, then don't say anything at all. And then block.

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/03/2023 19:54

What is stopping you from going home?

Original poster

thecatsmeows · 01/03/2023 19:58

@MisschiefMaker I agree with your assessment in the first paragraph, the problem is he is so thin skinned that he takes any hint of criticism as a personal attack.

@Fancysauce I have two pets that I'm not willing to give up. I had to do that far too often during my childhood (we moved around the world a lot) and I just can't face doing it again. I also can't afford to...I'm not working full time as my health is so poor. I'd need enough money to support myself for at least 6 months and there is more chance of me walking on the moon than being able to raise it.

Why am I with him? Because I would be completely on my own if I wasn't. Even more so than I am right now. I know it's pathetic.

OP posts:

Ameadowwalk · 01/03/2023 20:04

What opportunities have you got to meet other people? I don’t mean as a partner but just as friends. It sounds like you do need more friends around you. I know it must be difficult particularly as you have been seriously unwell.
in the meantime, I would try and take care of yourself. Let his messages sit unanswered and do something nice for yourself 💐

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/03/2023 20:30

You're on your own already. He's telling you that with every act - from deliberately endangering your health/life with Covid, all the way to moaning about how people being mean to him at work is more important than your concern that you have a second cancer, so much so that he has announced (with some satisfaction, by the sounds of it) that he is going to punish you with the silent treatment.

You don't have to live with somebody to be in an abusive relationship with them. And that's what you appear to be in.

NotACourgette · 01/03/2023 20:34

Why am I with him? Because I would be completely on my own if I wasn't. Even more so than I am right now. I know it's pathetic.

That is irrational fear of the unknown talking. Because actually (this is important) you would feel better about yourself if you don't have someone who is supposed to care about you making you feel like shit.

I'm not joking - especially if you are unwell seriously unwell - you need all your energy to focus on yourself. Men like this suck the life out of you. You arent' getting much out of this anyway - he lives along way away. I'd be more inclined understand why being on your own would bother you if he lived round the corner and you could use him as transport to hospital appointments in exchange for the unpleasant messaging - but you aren't even getting that.

You should dump him. Honestly, I guarantee you - you will have a better and mentally healthy future without this slowly leeching your emotions from you.

Spottycarousel · 01/03/2023 20:36

He sounds horrible. I doubt he would be any better if your health issues turn out to be serious- which I sincerely hope isn't the case. He sounds so wrapped up in himself that he would view everything in the context of how hard done by he is.

You deserve better. The fear of being alone is what stops many women leaving dead end relationships but honestly you are already alone. Is there a cancer support group in your area where you can perhaps make some friendships? My mum joined one even though her cancer is in remission- you don't have to be actively receiving treatment to attend. I suspect you will feel better from having some good emotional support and less dependent on this guy who seems to add nothing positive to your life.

I really hope you will be ok.

ImAvingOops · 01/03/2023 20:51

Honestly lovely, the only response to that kind of message is 'fuck off'.

All the time you are wasting on this man, means you aren't free to potentially meet someone else. And with things being so difficult, health wise, a man who drags you down and shows no consideration, isn't going to be there for you if you did need support down the line.

Cocobutt · 01/03/2023 21:04

Me, my family and friends would all probably make a joke out of something like this - it’s not malicious, it’s just a way to make them laugh to try and reduce the person’s worry and causing themselves to be even more ill.

If they got news that they actually had cancer or something then we would be more serious.

However, I actually think this ‘joke’ is irrelevant and it sounds like this relationship just isn’t working anymore.

Zorrita · 01/03/2023 21:38

thecatsmeows · 01/03/2023 19:58

@MisschiefMaker I agree with your assessment in the first paragraph, the problem is he is so thin skinned that he takes any hint of criticism as a personal attack.

Why am I with him? Because I would be completely on my own if I wasn't. Even more so than I am right now. I know it's pathetic.

One if the hardest things I had to learn after a heavily abusive and controlling relationship was how to be on my own and enjoy my own company.

The first thing I did was fantasize about how wonderful life would be if my partner didn't do X, or if he let me do Y. I had a few hobbies I wanted to pursue but couldn't because of him and there were things his actions and words (and threats) prevented me from doing.

I then made a plan. First was to make sure I had everything important to me around me safely and away from him. Secondly was to start actually looking in to hobbies (what do I need to buy, clubs I could join, places I could go etc etc). Not for right now, but knowing they were there waiting helped. Thirdly was making sure anyone he could get to me through was blocked.

The third was cutting him out. That's the hardest part because you feel you have invested emotionally, physically, financially. No matter now much you have invested in those three areas if you are not happy it's not worth it.

Ultimately I kept one thing in my mind. You, as an individual owe absolutely nobody anything. Not the parents who brought you up, the siblings they gave you, the lover you emotionally invested in. In the absolute grand scheme of things you need to look after YOU! The only exception to that is if you have children but even then it's a case of "You owe nothing to anybody around you except your children".

Keep that in mind when he tries to emotionally, physically, financially etc etc manipulate you. You. Owe. Them. Nothing.

BlastedPimples · 02/03/2023 04:58

"You'd better not have diabetes. That's my thing."

He's sounds like an utter prat. Self absorbed. Zero empathy. And when he's called out for this, he goes on the attack.

What a horrible person.

Can you dump him? Really, you don't need this in your life.

Billybagpuss · 02/03/2023 05:09

I hope you completely ignored all last night’s messages.

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