Serious news. First thing BF did...

[thecatsmeows]

...was to make a joke about it. Even worse, the joke made the situation all about him.

I've name changed for this as I think he knows my username.

I'm a two times cancer survivor, in my mid 50s. Boyfriend of over a decade, doesn't live with me due to his work...he's over a hundred miles away. I see him on average once a month for a week, go on holidays abroad, etc. Suits us both fine.

Unfortunately in the last few years he's become increasingly self absorbed. He's an only child, and sadly lives up to the cliche. Every phone call recently has been him talking about himself. I mentioned once I was having hot flushes: "Oh I am too" was his reply. He's like this with anything medical...if I have it, he does too...and worse than me.

He gave me covid a month ago...it's the first time I've had it, I don't go out much as I'm physically disabled. I know it was him, as he was the first person I'd seen face to face in 3 weeks...he tested positive 24 hours after he arrived...I tested positive 2 days later. He recovered in less than a week, took no time off work (was able to work from home). It's the third time he's had it. He didn't bother to test before coming up to see me, even though he was already having symptoms. He tested because we were going to meet friends 'and he didn't want to put them at risk'

I had it bad, I was in hospital for a week, was on paxlovid etc. Been back at home for 2 weeks. Started having bleeding from the bellybutton and severe abdominal pains over the weekend. Emergency appointment at GP, lots of swabs, blood etc taken for a lot of tests.

GP rang today, less than 24 hours after the tests. There's something wrong with my blood, it's going to involve more blood and other tests to nail it down. Best case scenario is a problem with my thyroid...but obviously with my medical history it 'could' be more serious. Now on the 2 week fast track for tests...

Boyfriend was working from home today...he can't take calls during working hours but can make them if he's got time. I'd not heard from him for hours, until I get a message saying 'you better not have diabetes, that's my thing'.... I couldn't help myself, I messaged back 'yes God forbid it's not all about you'. I've been accused of 'taking it out on him', 'it was only a joke'... my only reply since has been 'why would you be think the first thing to do would be to make a joke?' Then I got accused of saying he was an 'insensitive prick' (well if the shoe fits)...

The last lovely message I got was this (he's at the dentist to get a quote for implants, he doesn't like the look of his front teeth):

I was actually going to phone you when I came out of the dentist but I don't think I'll bother now if you think I'm so insensitive I've had people having a go at me all day today I wanted to contact you sooner but I have been so busy even if I am working from home.

I feel like he's proven my point without even realising it. All the 'I's in that message...I honestly don't know how to respond to this message, I'm so shocked.

Sorry this is so long!

ODFOD

So true. This happened to me. Never felt as lonely in my life as when I was with my ex.
I also live in another country away from extended family. Friendships are quite hard here but I do have some good friends. Yes, sometimes I am lonely and I do worry about what will happen when I am older or there's a health crisis etc. However, this is way better than living with someone who treats you like shit and doesn't care enough to show concern when you are ill or when some other life crisis pops up.
Your boyfriend is just awful. He doesn't give a flying fuck. He seems to expect you to be constantly fit and in a good mood to meet his needs and listen to him moaning on. What the fuck is wrong with him? You've had cancer twice and there's now a new issue which could also be something serious. You must be really worried and instead of him supporting you he starts whining on and throws a strop when you call him out on it. And why the fuck would you want to hear all the details of his dental appointment and the price of implants (a fucking fortune...) when you've had serious health news.

You really would be better off ditching this loser. He is preventing you from having a life of your own. Being away a week each month reduces your ability to establish yourself in the area you live in - so it would be harder to join a hobby group, or a choir or something as you'd be missing one week in 3. He's taking up too much time and headspace and not bringing enough to the table in return.

Being completely on your own sounds waaay better than being with that prick.
Hope your tests turn out OK.

Thanks everyone for your messages, you've been a real support I am carefully reading your messages and considering many things.

To answer some questions: He travels to see me every month. Where he works he's in accommodation supplied by his employer, it's not possible for me to stay with him.

Leading on from that...I'm a freelancer in my field, I work when I can, which isn't often. I had to give up full time work due to my health 8 years ago. Last year I earned about £6K in total. I can't afford train tickets to his city, let alone anything else, hence why he comes here. He earns more than 8 times what I do.

He'd also never consider helping me financially to see my family...they live on the other side of the world from the UK, it's a total 21 hour flight to get there, you have to a stop halfway, there are no direct flights. I last saw my family just before I started dating him.

I was still in remission from my 2nd bout of cancer when I met him. Luckily I reached the 5 year mark 2 years after we started dating. He's always known about my physical disability - it's not a hidden one. I'm also bipolar but have always been on medication to control it.

@KettrickenSmiled Fucksake - a 4 line message with NINE "I"s in it.
Obviously his work day is far more stressful than your hospitalisation & mystery blood illness ...
What a self-obsessed tool.

Your comment not only made me laugh, but is exactly how I feel at the moment. He was supposed to be coming to see me this weekend, I've now cancelled it. He was massively backtracking and apologised about going on about his work, but I'm in no mood for him and his self obsession at the moment.

Gosh OP reading your update I really feel for you, you've been through the wringer!

However I would tentatively caution against pushing away your boyfriend too much at this time. It's totally fair to think he's a little selfish (he does sound it tbh) but I wonder if you're preemptively sabotaging the relationship a little because you're afraid he'll let you down if you are sick? Some people are selfish on a day to day basis if they're not raised to consider others but is it possible he'll step up if you communicate with him? its a good sign that he's apologetic and trying to make up with you!

Wishing you all the best for your test results.

It sounds like you are really going through it at the moment. Literally the only response he should have given after hearing your news should have been along the lines of he is sorry to hear your news and is there anything he can do/help you with.

He is very self absorbed. he likely does not realise how self absorbed he is. No one wants to admit that. Just like no one thinks they are a bad person, even the ones who emotionally crush others, still think of themselves as good people.

Why am I with him? Because I would be completely on my own if I wasn't. Even more so than I am right now. I know it's pathetic.

This stood out to me, and no it isn't pathetic. However he does not have your back and does not appear to be very supportive of you. There is literally nothing that can make you feel so alone as being alone in a relationship.
You need support, someone to lean on whilst you deal with this. Can he give you that? If the answer is no, then whats the point of him? You're already alone but with the added heartache of how he makes you feel.

If I were you, I'd look and see if there is anything you can join locally to try and meet people. Anything so you can start to rely on just you again. Local WI groups, community activities, most are welcoming to new people and will help you feel included. Its worth a shot, then it won't feel so daunting when he lets you down again.

@MisschiefMaker Sorry but I think you are downplaying the extent of his behaviour. It's been 10 years and if he can't be supportive now, is he likely to be?

OP why are you accepting crumbs of this relationship?
It's slightly odd that your relationship has never moved on in 10 years. You can't be really together as a couple if you only see him for a week, once a month. That's 84 days in a year.

What's keeping you both together?
Habit?
Both too scared to find anyone else or just be alone?
What satisfaction is there in seeing someone once a month and the relationship never moving forwards?

You say he works from 'home' but his accommodation is part of his employment contract. I assume he's not on an oil rig in the N Sea! Is he offshore or similar? A lot of guys who do that kind of work can't make proper relationships and they exist on p/t relationships.

Why can't you see him there or why can't he find work closer to you?

Are you literally alone for 3 weeks of the month and just waiting for the week he comes to see you?

You can do better.

You lost me as soon as you blamed his dickish behaviour on him being an only child.

He's your boyfriend of 10+ years and you only see him once a month? That in itself doesn't sound like a proper committed relationship, only a part time one?

You deserve more than this.

I've just read you haven't seen any of your family in over 10 years! I get that flights are expensive but didn't anyone want to fly over and support you while you were going through cancer?
Do you have any good friends here? Sounds like some quality time with them would beat 5 minutes with your boyfriend b

@qpmz The only family I have is my mother and my younger brother. My mother is in very poor health herself and can no longer travel. My younger brother is her full time carer. He does work, but it is seasonal work so he's unable to afford to travel back to the UK.

@OhNoNotThatAgain I don't 'blame' his behaviour solely on him being an only child. He does however live up the stereotype of being very selfish and unable to share. My ex husband was also an only child and was nothing like my current boyfriend.

@AIBUNoNo I'd answer 'yes' to most of your questions. As to why the relationship doesn't move forward - I did want it to for a long time. The last few years, as I've started to go through the menopause, the idea of living with a man full time has become far less attractive. I enjoy living on my own, I have no problems with my own company.

@MisschiefMaker Thanks for your best wishes. Thanks to everyone here who has wished me well, you have no idea how much I appreciate it.

@AIBUNoNo Forgot to say - he is a manager at his work, so if needed he is able to do admin work from home. Doesn't happen very often, in fact it's only happened twice in the last 3 years.

What does he get out of your relationship, do you think? Is there a reason why it suits him?

I think I'd lay it out really plainly for him. Ask him what he's looking for in the relationship. Tell him that he's not currently offering anything in the way of emotional support, he's basically a booty call, and that's not what you want anymore. That actually friendship is more important to you than a romantic relationship right now.
That's assuming it is!

See what he says.

Are you 100% sure he's single?

Have you ever been to his home (recently)?

I can just imagine a parallel thread from a woman whose H works away 1 week per month ...

When he stays with you for a week per month does he work from your place, or is he taking 12 weeks holiday every year? Even as a manager it seems generous of his employer that he can stay with you, 100 miles from his work unless he's WFH.

What exactly if anything does this utter wanker bring to your life? You manage 3 weeks of every month without him, just get rid, take care of yourself and your pets.

I don't 'blame' his behaviour solely on him being an only child. He does however live up to the stereotype of being very selfish and unable to share

Really? Oh great. So you are saying that 'only' children are stereotypically selfish and unable to share, are you? Gee, thanks a bunch - from me and hundreds of thousands of others. You really don't get it, do you, and I find it really insulting and offensive. There is NO actual stereotype, only a stupid myth perpetuated by posts like yours.

Yes, it’s not really on OP.

For those of us who cannot give our only children a sibling, I hope you don’t seriously believe this.

Without wanting to get side tracked onto children, I don't think it's unfair to say that only children may not have had their corners knocked off in the same way children from a big family do. It's not claiming that all only children are... but that they are potentially more likely to be.
Mine were really emotionally mature because we fostered. There were other ways they lagged behind, but they learned loads from being part of a big family with high needs dc.

All the people getting hung up on the only child comment and making this thread about their feelings is ironic. OP is on a two week track with a selfish partner and that’s what you all focus in on. Says more about you than the OP.

OP good luck with the tests, and there’s lots of good advice on this thread for you.

The sheer irony of people posting on this thread JUST to complain about the OP's reference to only children, when the thread is about her partner being self-absorbed and making everything about himself is breath-taking. Definitely carry on castigating someone for one remark amidst her serious health and relationship problems because your feelings are hurt 🙄 OP please don't take these remarks from these posters to heart.

It might not be the right time to make big decisions about the future of the relationship while you're feeling so vulnerable about your health but hopefully if your illness is not what you fear it is, you'll have the strength to reevaluate what your partner is really bringing to your life.

It really doesn’t make the OP sound a bit thick. Your comment however tells us everything we need to know about you.

Op he sounds unkind and uncaring. I imagine if I was in your shoes I would be anxious over every message sent or received because of his reaction
I think you would be better off without that angst. If you don't want to ltb perhaps just reduce contact with him
Sounds like you have enough on your plate without having to deal with him
Fingers crossed that the tests etc go well for you

It really does. The OP is in a situation which is both awful and mystifying (in a longterm long distance relationship with someone who actively detracts from her life, but is too afraid of solitude to leave, even though he lives 100 miles from her), and is clinging to a baseless theory based on a deeply silly stereotype to ‘explain’ his terrible, self-absorbed behaviour, which she’s reiterated more than once. She needs to focus on her own health and make decisions to benefit herself in future once she feels stronger. This ‘explanation’ of his dreadfulness is baseless and offensive.

Meaning this kindly, @thecatsmeows but do you think your life needs a good old shake up? (health issues apart and I really hope it's nothing.)

You're working freelance and bringing in around £6Kpa.

You can't afford to travel to see your mum who you've not seen for 10 years (in Australia maybe?)

You say you have a disability so presumably you are claiming what's allowed for that if you can't work full time?

Is it time to re-think work? Increase your earnings?

And every month your BF comes to stay for a week.

Presumably he's also working from (your) home then, unless he gets more than the 25 days' holiday a year? He can't surely be taking a week off work every month?

But when the shit hits the fan, like now, all he does is deflect your concerns and makes remarks about HIS life.

He clearly has an issue engaging emotionally with anything including your possible health issues. Zero empathy, zero sympathy.

Come on, you can do better. You can probably get more work (does your disability affect going out?) Or change the work you do, make more money, see your Mum etc.

As someone else asked- what's he getting out of this relationship? He's driving over 100 miles to stay with you for a few days when presumably he works.

Do you love each other? Do you discuss your future? Or is this really just convenient sex and neither of you is that fussed, really?