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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Serious news. First thing BF did...

80 replies

thecatsmeows · 01/03/2023 18:31

...was to make a joke about it. Even worse, the joke made the situation all about him.

I've name changed for this as I think he knows my username.

I'm a two times cancer survivor, in my mid 50s. Boyfriend of over a decade, doesn't live with me due to his work...he's over a hundred miles away. I see him on average once a month for a week, go on holidays abroad, etc. Suits us both fine.

Unfortunately in the last few years he's become increasingly self absorbed. He's an only child, and sadly lives up to the cliche. Every phone call recently has been him talking about himself. I mentioned once I was having hot flushes: "Oh I am too" was his reply. He's like this with anything medical...if I have it, he does too...and worse than me.

He gave me covid a month ago...it's the first time I've had it, I don't go out much as I'm physically disabled. I know it was him, as he was the first person I'd seen face to face in 3 weeks...he tested positive 24 hours after he arrived...I tested positive 2 days later. He recovered in less than a week, took no time off work (was able to work from home). It's the third time he's had it. He didn't bother to test before coming up to see me, even though he was already having symptoms. He tested because we were going to meet friends 'and he didn't want to put them at risk'

I had it bad, I was in hospital for a week, was on paxlovid etc. Been back at home for 2 weeks. Started having bleeding from the bellybutton and severe abdominal pains over the weekend. Emergency appointment at GP, lots of swabs, blood etc taken for a lot of tests.

GP rang today, less than 24 hours after the tests. There's something wrong with my blood, it's going to involve more blood and other tests to nail it down. Best case scenario is a problem with my thyroid...but obviously with my medical history it 'could' be more serious. Now on the 2 week fast track for tests...

Boyfriend was working from home today...he can't take calls during working hours but can make them if he's got time. I'd not heard from him for hours, until I get a message saying 'you better not have diabetes, that's my thing'.... I couldn't help myself, I messaged back 'yes God forbid it's not all about you'. I've been accused of 'taking it out on him', 'it was only a joke'... my only reply since has been 'why would you be think the first thing to do would be to make a joke?' Then I got accused of saying he was an 'insensitive prick' (well if the shoe fits)...

The last lovely message I got was this (he's at the dentist to get a quote for implants, he doesn't like the look of his front teeth):

I was actually going to phone you when I came out of the dentist but I don't think I'll bother now if you think I'm so insensitive I've had people having a go at me all day today I wanted to contact you sooner but I have been so busy even if I am working from home.

I feel like he's proven my point without even realising it. All the 'I's in that message...I honestly don't know how to respond to this message, I'm so shocked.

Sorry this is so long!

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 02/03/2023 05:09

Respond by blocking him and never engaging with him again.

You'll have the satisfaction knowing you've treated him with indifference, somtlething he won't be able to cope with.

mathanxiety · 02/03/2023 05:14

I recognize this will be hard, and you'll end up banging your head against the wall and living the rest of your life with the knowledge that he will never see the light and you will never get an apology, never hear the words 'I was wrong and you were right'..

Otoh, you'll be free of a man who really has no interest in you amd isn't capable of offering you any support or love.

Summerfun54321 · 02/03/2023 06:24

Life is far too short to waste your time on self absorbed people.

PoseyFlump · 02/03/2023 06:43

Cocobutt · 01/03/2023 21:04

Me, my family and friends would all probably make a joke out of something like this - it’s not malicious, it’s just a way to make them laugh to try and reduce the person’s worry and causing themselves to be even more ill.

If they got news that they actually had cancer or something then we would be more serious.

However, I actually think this ‘joke’ is irrelevant and it sounds like this relationship just isn’t working anymore.

I agree with this. I'd take the joke from my family because it would be harmless. But there's clearly more going on here and you both need an adult conversation.

INEEDAWEEAGAIN · 02/03/2023 06:49

I don’t really see why you felt the need to make that comment about being an only child?

VanillaSox · 02/03/2023 06:51

I think the joke is harmless -the sort of thing a person might well say -he obviously knows your symptoms are not diabetes.
However the relationship sounds awful. Even if you do get the NHS free here, wouldn’t you be able to get your conditions treated in your home country? Pets can go with you - a friend took her two dogs home to Australia.

HoppingPavlova · 02/03/2023 06:53

I’d honestly be alone than with someone like this.

PermanentTemporary · 02/03/2023 07:03

It sounds as if this relationship isn't working at all. I'd just send him something very neutral like 'let's take a break' and just block him.

I'd agree with focusing on finding a very gentle form of socialising - an evening class, a church, a yoga class where the teacher will adapt to you, volunteering to ring an older person once a week, a hobby group.... Look for opportunities to speak to your neighbours - do you feed each others' pets when away? Anything to start connecting with people who will be nice. The more you do that the more of it comes your way. You deserve to have good things in your life.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/03/2023 07:06

I’m sorry you’re with a man, who treats you so badly. I’m not clear. You’re living in the uk and not from here so would you not be entitled to benefits? It sounds aa though he’s abusing you. I get it I am physically disabled. Are you entitled to PIP?

TheMamaYo · 02/03/2023 07:13

Where are you from, OP? Will it be difficult to visit?
This one sounds like a top notch idiot. If it was me, I’d be tempted to let him find this thread! He is in serious need of a reality check.

Besides him, how are you doing? When will you know more? Have you got a way to keep yourself really busy enough to distract you from this arse? Do you do any volunteering or time consuming hobbies?

picklemewalnuts · 02/03/2023 07:34

Even if it were a joke, a d his usual style, surely realising it didn't land well would make you apologise for misjudging the response, ring for an in person call, and actually show some care and concern for the person who's having a health crisis?

Op, you deserve better. You'll be better without him, you really will. At the moment he's taking your attention and energy. Without him you'll be able to focus on yourself and on getting better. Don't hang around him, being upset every time he lets you down.

Channellingsophistication · 02/03/2023 07:48

this man has no empathy and is very self-absorbed as others have said.

if you said I really need your support right now Im worried about my health what would he say?

Channellingsophistication · 02/03/2023 07:52

… he’d say I’m really worried about mine wouldnt he? He wouldn’t ask you what concerns you, what did doc say and what tests you were going to have ..

FakeBilly · 02/03/2023 08:02

He’s a dreadful, self-absorbed idiot. He’s not a dreadful, self-absorbed idiot because he’s an only child. And I think that you need to take some responsibility for this dynamic — you seem, as someone else said, not to have liked him much even before this, and you say yourself you’re only with him because you fear being alone. I get that you’ve been ill, you’re away from home etc, but I think you need to think very seriously about your own choices, and make better ones for the sake of your own happiness.

AIBUNoNo · 02/03/2023 08:15

I'm sorry to hear about your health which is very worrying for you. And his response falls far short of someone who really cares about you.

However...

Boyfriend of over a decade, doesn't live with me due to his work...he's over a hundred miles away. I see him on average once a month for a week, go on holidays abroad, etc. Suits us both fine.

This is not a relationship, it's a Friend with Benefits- but he's not much of a friend and the only benefits you get appear to be holidays (he pays?) and sex.

I find it hard to believe you have given this 'relationship' over 10 years of your life. Was it ever any better than it is now?

Has he been with you throughout all your health experiences or did they occur before you met? Reason for asking is, was he supportive in the past if you were unwell, or is it only now he's behaving like this?

You really do not need this man in your life. Are you with him because he's an 'easy' option? If you can afford to take time out of work for a week each month, to visit him 100 miles away, and go on holiday with him, those expenses could be saved towards seeing your family (wherever they are.) Unless he's paying, in which case it looks like he has some control over you and you are happy to be 'abused' in return for a tiny bit of attention from him.

Don't waste any more of your life with him and set the bar higher.

AIBUNoNo · 02/03/2023 08:19

I assume you go to stay with him for the week each month as he's 'so busy with work, even WFH' but apologies if it's the other way round.

If money is tight for you, can you look at a different type of work? What work do you do now?

Fraaahnces · 02/03/2023 08:27

Don’t you think you’d be happier without him in your life? He doesn’t sound like he’s adding anything positive at all.

samqueens · 02/03/2023 09:15

He is not at all “thin skinned” - he is abusive.

Read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? If you want to double check…

I really hope that you’re not it pain and that medical issue ends up being best case scenario. But whatever happens, please don’t fall into the trap of thinking your boyfriend is going to offer you support and care if it means putting himself out for one moment. It’s hard enough to fight an illness, without someone constantly dragging you down. Where your head is at matters, and you can only fight on so many fronts at the same time.

It’s not you, it’s him. Good luck 💐

MzHz · 02/03/2023 09:18

Being alone in a relationship is way more soul crushing than being without a partner.

he’s taking up the space where a decent partner could be. He’s stealing oxygen from your life.

Btjdkfnn · 02/03/2023 09:22

reply:

This relationship is finished. Do not not contact me in any way ever again.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 02/03/2023 09:23

Dump him. He's not kind or caring, but selfish and manipulative.

You're worried about being completely alone - how are you not alone already spending your time and valuable energy with a person who cares not a wit for you?

The fear of being alone is a deceptive trap for many of us. When you get rid you'll be making space for new, joyous, people to come into your life. It's called clearing out the dead wood.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you that you're not facing anything serious- good luck, op

AIBUNoNo · 02/03/2023 09:31

Why would you need enough money for 6 months to support yourself if you went to see your family?

(Are these elderly parents?) Can your family whoever that is, not come to you? Do you have children?

Just think of all the money you are spending seeing this man. Surely it could be better spent?

He's not adding anything to your life.

Dreamstate · 02/03/2023 09:37

Why are you with him. I would of dumped him ages ago. He is just a bf so its not like it can be that complicated to say seeya!

Inertia · 02/03/2023 09:50

The question to ask is whether being an emotional punchbag for an angry man while going through your own very significant health scares brings any positivity to your life.

KettrickenSmiled · 02/03/2023 10:46

Fucksake - a 4 line message with NINE "I"s in it.
Obviously his work day is far more stressful than your hospitalisation & mystery blood illness ...

What a self-obsessed tool.

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