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Original poster

I think my boyfriend has another girlfriend and i dont like it

95 replies

Twinkletoes127 · 01/03/2023 11:08

Im trying to work out where to go with this and what to do.
So, myself and my BF are not young, (50's). We have only been together for 5 months so a very short time in the scheme of things. I was in a long term relationship before him and only had a short time alone, he was alone mostly for 20 years, with the odd short term relationship, so that's a bit of background on that.
My bf has a lot of friends, mostly in smaller friend groups and he tries to stay in contact with them all which is one of the things i love about him. There is one lady who is in several of the groups and this is the one im talking about, lets call her Emma. They talk in the group chats daily. They talk by whatsapp Daily. They call each other at least 5 times a week, but on his side i would say ive never personally seen him call her, it's always been her calling him. They have been friends for a very long time, and if it was just this then i would give my head a wobble and sort myself out as i would never dream of isolating a wonderful partner from his friends be they male or female.

This is where it gets dicey. So these groups meet up on Weekends to do sports, staying over in hotels where they decide to meet. They go away for several nights around 2 or 3 times a year.
So the subject of holidays came up between me and BF and i asked him to go away with me for a week in the summer.
He told me he can't as hes going with Emma. So i naturally said what do you mean and he told me that they are going away as a group for 6 nights, then when they come home he and Emma are going away for 7 nights.
So i was genuinely upset to tbe stomach, but decided to be a big girl about it, and ask him about it and get over myself, as this was all booked before we met.
At this point i find out that the week away with Emma while being arranged between them was not booked at all. So i asked him if he could cancel that as he has a girlfriend now so im sure his friend would understand. He said he couldn't do that.
So then he felt guilty as i had pointed out to him that we wont be able to spend any time together until January next year as he has booked all his holidays with Emma, so he rearranged 2 days and got us a long weekend, so we went away for a uk break.
On the 3rd night, we were sat in the restaurant and he was on his phone, I didn't think much as it was prearranged personal chill time, but i casually asked what he was doing, and he said chatting to Emma, sorting campsite for their weekend away.
At this point i went to the hotel room, i was devastated and told him so, he absolutely steadfastly tells me she's not his girlfriend.
More discussions about this have been flogged to eah over the last few weeks.
Then he spent the weekend at mine, and i went to his and i should have been there until this mourning (wed) but i came gome last night. The reason I came home was i found out yesterday morning that they have booked the holiday. And i said to him, you didn't tell me that, and his reply was yeah i know i didnt, so i asked if he was going to and he said no.
There are a few more factors, but in a nutshell my bf is in an emotional relationship with another woman and shes been around a lot longer than me.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 01/03/2023 11:17

Sounds like you should dump him because you’re not his priority and you should be

Eyerollcentral · 01/03/2023 11:21

Didn’t read it all but if you don’t like his behaviour, and who would, dump him. You have only been going out five months.

MissJam · 01/03/2023 11:21

I most certainly wouldn’t be hanging around OP. Sorry you’re going through this. His behaviour is unacceptable - how come you aren’t invited? I remember when I first got into my relationship I wanted to show him off to everyone! And the other way round too, although I was disliked by his female friends for being 7 years older 🙄 he puts me before them every time.

He needs to get his priorities straight - especially if this holiday wasn’t actually booked at all, it seems very strange and sneaky to me.

Yes he can have female friends but to go away with them alone for a week? Absolutely not.

TheSnowyOwl · 01/03/2023 11:23

She might not be his girlfriend but you are not his priority and are only going to get hurt here. Dump him and find someone else.

Choconut · 01/03/2023 11:24

I don't think he has enough time in his life for a girlfriend.

Fuckstix · 01/03/2023 11:26

I'd cut your losses and let him know why. Fine to have female friends but this seems like an emotional affair and is making you unhappy. Don't let him paint it as you being jealous or suchlike. Constant communication and holidays alone together, him making arrangements with her without letting you know, itfeels like that is the main relationship in his life not yours.

He doesn't have to change and has no intention to but you don't have to accept it.

gamerchick · 01/03/2023 11:26

Just end it. He's never going to make you a priority. Have you met this lass even, does she know you exist?

Fuckstix · 01/03/2023 11:29

Out of interest, does Emma have a partner? It makes no difference, just wondering why they're not together if he's this attached. Could be a one sided crush from him and her enjoying the attention/ company rather than her being a girlfriend. Obv that's no better.

MyopicBunny · 01/03/2023 11:30

He's not making you his priority, which he absolutely should be! What are you gaining from this relationship?

WatieKatie · 01/03/2023 11:31

OP, is the issue that his close friend is a female or that you are not being prioritised?

I have a number of close male friends and they are just that. Some share the same hobbies and we go away from time to time, mostly in a large group. When it is just me and a male friend, it is only for a couple of days to visit somewhere specific and always separate rooms, admittedly I’m sure they wouldn’t mind sharing! That said, I make a point of getting to know the partners and keep the boundaries very clear.

However from reading your post it sounds like he doesn’t view your relationship with the same level of importance as you do.

soleilblue · 01/03/2023 11:31

I'd just walk

Schnooze · 01/03/2023 11:33

Even if it is innocent, he’s not prioritising you at all. He’s told you that he has no time for a holiday with you!

I guess 5months is quite a short time compared to a long standing friendship. But if he really sees a future with you, then he should be taking your feelings into account more.

He’s told you where you stand. Up to you if you trust it’s innocent and go along with it in the hope his feelings get stronger for you over time. If you in any way suspect he has proper feelings for her or they have a friends with benefits type relationship, then get out now.

Personally I think it doesn’t bode well. After 5 months he should know whether it is serious or not. If it is, he wouldn’t be doing this to you.

bjrce · 01/03/2023 11:36

I was going to ask tph question - Does Emma even know about you? - But it actually doesn't matter - There's absolutely no way you should put up with this behaviour.

Dump him- alternatively find you own male friend and schedule a week away with him - can't imagine how you current BF would react.

Aprilx · 01/03/2023 11:38

I think whether she is his girlfriend doesn’t even matter. He is not making time for you or prioritising you

GoldDuster · 01/03/2023 11:39

Ahh bin him. It's only been five months. This isn't it, it's not going to end well.

He's not what you want, I wouldn't want to be sitting in a restaurant with a new lover while he's texting his mate either.

sorcerersapprentice · 01/03/2023 11:40

Whoah, you are second best to Emma. Not a good place to be. I would be very clear and say that it's not the basis for a healthy relationship if you constantly have to play second fiddle to someone else

FellPuck · 01/03/2023 11:41

I personally wouldn't expect to be prioritised above long-term friends if I'd only been with someone for 5 months.

Just being the girlfriend shouldn't really automatically push someone to the top of the priority list, even though some people assume it should. Friends are very important relationships to many people, and outlast a majority of their romantic relationships.

However, regardless of that, if you don't like the situation and you don't view things the same way that he does, you should end it, as it's unlikely to change.

SeasonFinale · 01/03/2023 11:42

Is it that Emma is his girlfriend and you are his side piece?

Either way I would get rid. If he can't prioritise you for holidays over her then you aren't ranking higher either way.

cooldarkroom · 01/03/2023 11:42

He wants to spend his quality time with her..
Tell him to go screw himself, or her.

Dhama · 01/03/2023 11:43

I’d walk away. Seriously, on top of what’s already been said about where you are on his priority list, he was prepared to lie by omission so that to me says deep down he knows it’s a dick move.

You are worth more than that x

rainbowstardrops · 01/03/2023 11:45

It's only been 5 months and he's already being a dick = bin.
Oh and he wasn't going to tell you about the holiday with Emma? Nah! Don't think so sunshine.

BigPussyEnergy · 01/03/2023 11:46

I agree with fellpuck that it’s healthy to keep long term friendships going when in a relationship and he should be cancelling long standing plans - even if not booked - with his friends just because he’s met someone.

However, the keeping things hidden is a bigger issue. I wouldn’t be ok with that.

Basically whatever this relationship is, it’s more important to him than yours, so unless you feel like it’s worth persevering to see if you can get promoted over the years to be his priority, I’d call it a day. And don’t tell him it’s because of her, just say you’re not on the same page and you’re not feeling it.

BigPussyEnergy · 01/03/2023 11:47

*shouldn't be cancelling ffs

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 01/03/2023 11:53

Doesn't really matter if anything is going on between them or not. He just doesn't seem that into you. Dump and move on.

80s · 01/03/2023 12:04

I'm your age and have a bf who has various old friends male and female that he meets up with occasionally. If we'd been in this position after 5 months, and a joint holiday had been arranged before we met, he'd have told me his plans for the summer early on, mentioning that he knew it was a weird situation and I would feel uncomfortable with it.
Is this definitely a joint holiday? You mention a campsite. My bf goes camping once a year with his dd, and there are a load of regulars at the campsite. When they're booking the site, they write to one another saying "I've booked X dates this year, will you be there?" and sometimes that affects the others' decision about when to go. But they are all up there separately, in their own separate tents. If someone else is there, they'll meet on the beach for drinks; if not, they won't.

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