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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think my boyfriend has another girlfriend and i dont like it

95 replies

Twinkletoes127 · 01/03/2023 11:08

Im trying to work out where to go with this and what to do.
So, myself and my BF are not young, (50's). We have only been together for 5 months so a very short time in the scheme of things. I was in a long term relationship before him and only had a short time alone, he was alone mostly for 20 years, with the odd short term relationship, so that's a bit of background on that.
My bf has a lot of friends, mostly in smaller friend groups and he tries to stay in contact with them all which is one of the things i love about him. There is one lady who is in several of the groups and this is the one im talking about, lets call her Emma. They talk in the group chats daily. They talk by whatsapp Daily. They call each other at least 5 times a week, but on his side i would say ive never personally seen him call her, it's always been her calling him. They have been friends for a very long time, and if it was just this then i would give my head a wobble and sort myself out as i would never dream of isolating a wonderful partner from his friends be they male or female.

This is where it gets dicey. So these groups meet up on Weekends to do sports, staying over in hotels where they decide to meet. They go away for several nights around 2 or 3 times a year.
So the subject of holidays came up between me and BF and i asked him to go away with me for a week in the summer.
He told me he can't as hes going with Emma. So i naturally said what do you mean and he told me that they are going away as a group for 6 nights, then when they come home he and Emma are going away for 7 nights.
So i was genuinely upset to tbe stomach, but decided to be a big girl about it, and ask him about it and get over myself, as this was all booked before we met.
At this point i find out that the week away with Emma while being arranged between them was not booked at all. So i asked him if he could cancel that as he has a girlfriend now so im sure his friend would understand. He said he couldn't do that.
So then he felt guilty as i had pointed out to him that we wont be able to spend any time together until January next year as he has booked all his holidays with Emma, so he rearranged 2 days and got us a long weekend, so we went away for a uk break.
On the 3rd night, we were sat in the restaurant and he was on his phone, I didn't think much as it was prearranged personal chill time, but i casually asked what he was doing, and he said chatting to Emma, sorting campsite for their weekend away.
At this point i went to the hotel room, i was devastated and told him so, he absolutely steadfastly tells me she's not his girlfriend.
More discussions about this have been flogged to eah over the last few weeks.
Then he spent the weekend at mine, and i went to his and i should have been there until this mourning (wed) but i came gome last night. The reason I came home was i found out yesterday morning that they have booked the holiday. And i said to him, you didn't tell me that, and his reply was yeah i know i didnt, so i asked if he was going to and he said no.
There are a few more factors, but in a nutshell my bf is in an emotional relationship with another woman and shes been around a lot longer than me.

OP posts:
ShimmeringShirts · 01/03/2023 14:10

Way too much drama, this isn’t what life or relationships should be about. If you stay with him you know what your future will hold, he’ll put her before you each and every time and the way you’re feeling now will grow and grow until your confidence and self esteem are so low you no longer know who you are anymore.

Uhave2changethings · 01/03/2023 14:14

I understand him wanting to maintain existing friendships and if the group holiday was planned or a long way along before you came on the scene, OK, but the adding on an extra trip just for the two of them...? That's where it's unnecessary and if he's prioritising Emma like this and she's in contact that much there's 3 of you in a weird relationship triangle. The phrase 'cake and eat it' comes to mind.

MrBallensWife · 01/03/2023 14:21

StopStartStop · 01/03/2023 13:05

@MrBallensWife
Good name! He's a great storyteller.

He's amazing isn't he?!😅
I love listening to a bit of Mr Ballen!🥰❣️
He's very easy on the eye too 😋

CovertImage · 01/03/2023 14:36

FellPuck · 01/03/2023 11:41

I personally wouldn't expect to be prioritised above long-term friends if I'd only been with someone for 5 months.

Just being the girlfriend shouldn't really automatically push someone to the top of the priority list, even though some people assume it should. Friends are very important relationships to many people, and outlast a majority of their romantic relationships.

However, regardless of that, if you don't like the situation and you don't view things the same way that he does, you should end it, as it's unlikely to change.

I agree with this post entirely

SpringGreens23 · 01/03/2023 15:04

You can't control who he's friends with, but you're not happy so call it a day.

MySugarBabyLove · 01/03/2023 15:15

TBH your OP said it all.

He’s been mostly on his own for the past twenty years apart from a couple of short term relationships.

That says all you need to know. He’s incapable of having a proper relationship.

I would get out now.

Monoplane · 01/03/2023 15:34

Well she's not his girlfriend so I don't know why you're referring to her as his girlfriend.

I've got a lot of friends and I go on nights out/away with them very often. In no way does that mean I fancy them or make them my boyfriend/girlfriend. I wouldn't be impressed by someone asking me to cancel things either.

However, I would be asking a partner along with me and my friends. I'd also definitely make a big effort to include a partner and make time to spend one on one regularly.

If he hasn't got time for you, isn't prepared to make time for you, and you're not happy, just leave. People rarely change.

OhNoNotThatAgain · 01/03/2023 16:05

Wake up and smell the coffee OP.

sealon82 · 01/03/2023 16:12

Fuckstix · 01/03/2023 11:26

I'd cut your losses and let him know why. Fine to have female friends but this seems like an emotional affair and is making you unhappy. Don't let him paint it as you being jealous or suchlike. Constant communication and holidays alone together, him making arrangements with her without letting you know, itfeels like that is the main relationship in his life not yours.

He doesn't have to change and has no intention to but you don't have to accept it.

Exactly this... Leave, find someone who doesn't make you feel like this.

Justleaveitblankthen · 01/03/2023 16:15

Choconut · 01/03/2023 11:24

I don't think he has enough time in his life for a girlfriend.

Agree with this and it's word for word what I would tell him too.
Couldn't stand this at all and I love my own space and friendships. This is way beyond reasonable behaviour.

SomeareDeluded · 01/03/2023 16:26

Don't justify your feelings, discuss at depth, just ghost him. He's not made you part of his group or included you in anything.

Whilst you feel you're his girlfriend and in an exclusive relationship, he obviously doesn't and is quite happy for you to play second fiddle.

Know your worth girl and walk away.

Serrassi · 01/03/2023 16:38

Dump him. His relationship with Emma is much more than a normal friendship. I don’t know why they aren’t together perhaps he just doesn’t fancy her 🤷‍♀️ but whatever is going on is disrespectful to you.

However the biggest reason that your relationship is over is that you asked him to cancel the holiday with Emma and instead he went ahead and booked it and wasn’t going to tell you. Clearly he does not respect or prioritise your feelings and you can’t build a future with someone who has that attitude to you.

You can do better than this OP. He is never going to make you happy.

ÉireannachÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ · 01/03/2023 16:51

Eyerollcentral · 01/03/2023 11:21

Didn’t read it all but if you don’t like his behaviour, and who would, dump him. You have only been going out five months.

This

Maze76 · 01/03/2023 18:09

@Twinkletoes127 I’m sorry but you may call him your boyfriend, but he isn’t acting like he is.
As others have said he has prioritised this woman over you & over your ‘relationship’.
You deserve more, you deserve to be respected, valued and it doesn’t sound like he does either of those things.

People will treat you how you allow them to, I think you need to face facts that if he truly cared about you, he wouldn’t be going on holiday with another woman.

jemimapuddlepluck · 01/03/2023 18:12

Why are you settling for this if you want a serious relationship? Emma is most likely happy with their arrangement and good for her but it doesn't work for you so dump him. They have probably been doing this for a long time, enjoy each others company and it sounds ideal to me lol. He is telling you how it is going to be you are just not listening, so either enjoy it for what it is or end it.

MsDogLady · 01/03/2023 18:20

Twinkle, it’s clear that his primary emotional relationship is with Emma. They seem enmeshed, and your position is a secondary slot. Sticking around to catch his crumbs will greatly diminish you, so move on asap.

Wombats23 · 01/03/2023 18:30

Fuck that.

I had a very good male friend who had a female friend like this. He wanted help with dating but when I pointed out he'd struggle to reconcile new gf and old friend (holidays in same room but apparently platonic), he was really unhappy.

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 01/03/2023 18:43

You deserve better than this

Dontfeedtheseagulls · 01/03/2023 18:46

No way would I put up with this.

He knows no one classy would tolerate it.

Yuk.

notthisagainforest · 01/03/2023 18:57

It's too long. But five months is nothing just move on it

HanSB · 01/03/2023 19:05

He's never going to put you first, his actions have shown this clearly to you. Don't waste more time on him, the situation will be the same in a year's time, cut your losses now and avoid even more heartache down the line

Kittlbua · 01/03/2023 19:15

I would just dump him and move on before you get more involved/more attached.
It just seems like he hasn't got enough time in his life for a girlfriend.
I don't necessarily think that after just 5 months he should be prioritizing his new girlfriend over long term friends but I'd expect that there were some plans to go on holiday together or a couple of weekend breaks, because by the summer you will have been together for 9 months. The fact that he won't have any time for a holiday with you until January, but he can find a week for the group holiday and another week for Emma tells you a lot. It means he doesn't have the time for you.
I couldn't quite work out from your post when the campsite was booked and what he lied to you about and when but he sounds very evasive. I'd be getting rid on those grounds alone.
Honestly, if it's causing upset like this 5 months in, it just isn't worth it. Do not waste any headspace on this character and what the nature of his relationship with Emma might be.
Oh, and 20 years single with just a few short term relationships tells you a lot. He's not interested in a serious commitment for whatever reason. If he was, there would have been a longer-term relationship or two in the mix.

Jooliusreezer · 01/03/2023 19:23

It’s becoming clearer why this silly twat has been on his own for so long. He doesn’t know how to treat people.

Dump him. He’s a no-hoper.

Poodles23 · 01/03/2023 19:28

End it. She’s obviously more important to him than you and it will never work if you feel second best. I’d end it asap to save your self respect.

xprincessxjanetx · 01/03/2023 19:33

This is a totally bizarre setup...it sounds like he spends every waking minute either messaging her, speaking to her on the phone, seeing her or organising to see her with the way you've spoken about it. I wouldn't be happy with this at all...for the sake of 5 months i'd bin him.

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