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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think my boyfriend has another girlfriend and i dont like it

95 replies

Twinkletoes127 · 01/03/2023 11:08

Im trying to work out where to go with this and what to do.
So, myself and my BF are not young, (50's). We have only been together for 5 months so a very short time in the scheme of things. I was in a long term relationship before him and only had a short time alone, he was alone mostly for 20 years, with the odd short term relationship, so that's a bit of background on that.
My bf has a lot of friends, mostly in smaller friend groups and he tries to stay in contact with them all which is one of the things i love about him. There is one lady who is in several of the groups and this is the one im talking about, lets call her Emma. They talk in the group chats daily. They talk by whatsapp Daily. They call each other at least 5 times a week, but on his side i would say ive never personally seen him call her, it's always been her calling him. They have been friends for a very long time, and if it was just this then i would give my head a wobble and sort myself out as i would never dream of isolating a wonderful partner from his friends be they male or female.

This is where it gets dicey. So these groups meet up on Weekends to do sports, staying over in hotels where they decide to meet. They go away for several nights around 2 or 3 times a year.
So the subject of holidays came up between me and BF and i asked him to go away with me for a week in the summer.
He told me he can't as hes going with Emma. So i naturally said what do you mean and he told me that they are going away as a group for 6 nights, then when they come home he and Emma are going away for 7 nights.
So i was genuinely upset to tbe stomach, but decided to be a big girl about it, and ask him about it and get over myself, as this was all booked before we met.
At this point i find out that the week away with Emma while being arranged between them was not booked at all. So i asked him if he could cancel that as he has a girlfriend now so im sure his friend would understand. He said he couldn't do that.
So then he felt guilty as i had pointed out to him that we wont be able to spend any time together until January next year as he has booked all his holidays with Emma, so he rearranged 2 days and got us a long weekend, so we went away for a uk break.
On the 3rd night, we were sat in the restaurant and he was on his phone, I didn't think much as it was prearranged personal chill time, but i casually asked what he was doing, and he said chatting to Emma, sorting campsite for their weekend away.
At this point i went to the hotel room, i was devastated and told him so, he absolutely steadfastly tells me she's not his girlfriend.
More discussions about this have been flogged to eah over the last few weeks.
Then he spent the weekend at mine, and i went to his and i should have been there until this mourning (wed) but i came gome last night. The reason I came home was i found out yesterday morning that they have booked the holiday. And i said to him, you didn't tell me that, and his reply was yeah i know i didnt, so i asked if he was going to and he said no.
There are a few more factors, but in a nutshell my bf is in an emotional relationship with another woman and shes been around a lot longer than me.

OP posts:
Twinkletoes127 · 01/03/2023 12:08

80s · 01/03/2023 12:04

I'm your age and have a bf who has various old friends male and female that he meets up with occasionally. If we'd been in this position after 5 months, and a joint holiday had been arranged before we met, he'd have told me his plans for the summer early on, mentioning that he knew it was a weird situation and I would feel uncomfortable with it.
Is this definitely a joint holiday? You mention a campsite. My bf goes camping once a year with his dd, and there are a load of regulars at the campsite. When they're booking the site, they write to one another saying "I've booked X dates this year, will you be there?" and sometimes that affects the others' decision about when to go. But they are all up there separately, in their own separate tents. If someone else is there, they'll meet on the beach for drinks; if not, they won't.

Its a joint for 6 days, then the 2 of them are moving on to another site alone for 7 days x

OP posts:
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 01/03/2023 12:08

At this point i went to the hotel room, i was devastated and told him so, he absolutely steadfastly tells me she's not his girlfriend.

Whether she's his g/f or not is immaterial.
The fact is, he prioritises her over you to the point that you will have to wait a whole year before you are able to book a holiday with him.

Unless you want to spend a lot of time either in relationship conflict, or suppressing your feelings, chuck this one back. I'd say the same if Emma were a bloke - his friend is more important to him than cultivating a stronger relationship with you, so call it quits & move on to somebody who knows how to respect both his friends AND a g/f.

crumpet · 01/03/2023 12:11

“Whether she's his g/f or not is immaterial.
The fact is, he prioritises her over you to the point that you will have to wait a whole year before you are able to book a holiday with him.”

This.

He call call it whatever he likes, but you are not his priority. Either have him as a casual relationship with not real ties on each side or ditch him and find better.

80s · 01/03/2023 12:13

It does sound very chummy.
And he's not saying "Yeah, I know what it looks like, I can't blame you for being uncomfortable, I'm sorry, but this friendship is important to me because XYZ"?
He's just saying "She's not my gf so deal with it"?

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 01/03/2023 12:16

Throw him back in the sea. This should be the honeymoon period. If you’re not a priority after 5 months, where will you be at 5 years? You’re only in your 50s, you could live another 40 years. Do you want to live another four decades feeling like you feel now?

Twinkletoes127 · 01/03/2023 12:25

Fuckstix · 01/03/2023 11:29

Out of interest, does Emma have a partner? It makes no difference, just wondering why they're not together if he's this attached. Could be a one sided crush from him and her enjoying the attention/ company rather than her being a girlfriend. Obv that's no better.

She doesn't x

OP posts:
Twinkletoes127 · 01/03/2023 12:28

WatieKatie · 01/03/2023 11:31

OP, is the issue that his close friend is a female or that you are not being prioritised?

I have a number of close male friends and they are just that. Some share the same hobbies and we go away from time to time, mostly in a large group. When it is just me and a male friend, it is only for a couple of days to visit somewhere specific and always separate rooms, admittedly I’m sure they wouldn’t mind sharing! That said, I make a point of getting to know the partners and keep the boundaries very clear.

However from reading your post it sounds like he doesn’t view your relationship with the same level of importance as you do.

It's that im not being prioritised, im ok with the female part x

OP posts:
Youainttheonlyone · 01/03/2023 12:36

It would be interesting to know if she was this “into” him before you came on the scene. Not that we will ever know.

but it’s just really odd that he has lots of separate groups with the exception of this one female that transcends all of those and phones him multiple times a week. Two friends going on holiday isn’t weird in itself but this situation is what makes it smell a bit fishy. And the fact he planned to knowingly conceal the truth from you is just wrong

it’s just all over weird, and it would be a road block for me so if I was in this situation I’d ditch him. Xx

MyriadOfTravels · 01/03/2023 12:38

There is a reason why he has been single for 20 years with only short term relationships…..

80s · 01/03/2023 12:45

It really doesn't sound like he has much time for a relationship. Not making plans for months ahead is kind of fair enough when you've only been together a fairly short time. But he should be at least a bit apologetic/understanding about it. My bf (again, also a mature man) has to dedicate a lot of his time to his dd, but he always makes a point of planning things with me too, as he's concerned I'll feel hard done by. Your bf does not seem at all concerned about how you'll feel.

ValerieDoonican · 01/03/2023 12:46

I don't think I ve been as close to anyone as this chap is with Emma since my 20s- intimate partners excepted. Which doesn't mean they are sexuality intimate, but it does mean he isn't really your boyfriend and you're not really his girlfriend. You are in a FWB situation Id say.

Seems to have been his modus for 20 years.

MrBallensWife · 01/03/2023 12:47

No wonder he's been single for 20 ish years as no woman would put up with that.
Cut your losses and run.

KatherineJaneway · 01/03/2023 12:49

Sorry, he is clear that Emma comes first. Not the right attitude to have in a relationship.

StopStartStop · 01/03/2023 13:04

If you stick with this one, you're being a fool to yourself. But you're keen to be a 'cool girlfriend' so maybe that's your style.

StopStartStop · 01/03/2023 13:05

@MrBallensWife
Good name! He's a great storyteller.

Bookworm20 · 01/03/2023 13:06

I agree, I think he isn't worth your time.

Its absolutely fine that he and Emma had discussed this additional break to the group holiday. It was done before you were together. However, he now has you as his GF, the additional break wasn't even booked, but he is still going ahead with it?

Hes a dick.

You are not asking him to compromise his friendships in any way, but you are totally within reason to assume he wouldn't still be going on holiday with Emma now his siutuation has changed and he has a partner. Especiaslly given the fact that it would mean the 2 of you won't get a holiday together!

He prioritises Emma. He would rather disappoint you, than her.

Any friend would totally understand when a situation changes and the friend wants to go on holiday with their new partner instead, especially so when the holiday isn't even booked. I expect Emma has no idea about any of this.

The fact this has to be pointed out to him, makes him a dick. I expect more dick behaviours will become apparant if you decide to stick it out with him.

Flakjacketon · 01/03/2023 13:11

Shoxfordian · 01/03/2023 11:17

Sounds like you should dump him because you’re not his priority and you should be

This is bang on. You are not his priority. Leave him to it. 💐

Led9519 · 01/03/2023 13:16

Even if they’re not interested in each other romantically he must know it’s unfair on you to book a holiday away with another woman, why can’t he invite you for example?

In what other ways would he treat you poorly and still think it’s acceptable? And I’m surprised his female friend isn’t more sensitive to his situation now.
it’s odd.

ICanHideButICantRun · 01/03/2023 13:21

I'd dump him. Now we know why he's been single all this time.

Sandra1984 · 01/03/2023 13:23

You need to do some research on Emma, find out if she’s married and what’s her story. If she’s single it looks like she’s a girlfriend. This relationship is hurting you and not working for you. Bin him and let him know why.

Sandra1984 · 01/03/2023 13:27

Nothing wrong with having a female friend of the opposite sex when you have a wife/girlfriend but if she doesn’t get to be introduced to you so you get to know her that’s a massive red flag the size of China.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 01/03/2023 13:33

Sandra1984 · 01/03/2023 13:23

You need to do some research on Emma, find out if she’s married and what’s her story. If she’s single it looks like she’s a girlfriend. This relationship is hurting you and not working for you. Bin him and let him know why.

Yawn, let's play the Women As Rivals trope ...

It's not to do with Emma, whether she's dating, or what she feels about OP's b/f.
It's to do with how the b/f rudely prioritises Emma, & is happy to allow the relationship with OP to stagnate.

If OP is looking for more than a FWB situation, he's not the guy for her.

blackbeardsballsack · 01/03/2023 13:35

I genuinely wouldn't care about my boyfriend going on holiday with a female friend, I do believe that men and women can have platonic friendships. But I would dump him for being a pointless boyfriend. I wouldn't want to have a boyfriend who I couldn't go on trips/activities with - he's booked up for the next year and I wouldn't be hanging around twiddling my thumbs waiting for my long awaited 'turn' to do something with him. There are loads of men who would have time to go on holidays with you.

Jujuj · 01/03/2023 13:39

I have close male friends, and the only time I have been ‘away’ with them it’s because one of us wanted to shag the other one… and we usually did.

Tinkerbyebye · 01/03/2023 14:09

Dump, leave him toEmma