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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheater - should I tell her?

83 replies

Daisysunset · 27/02/2023 20:12

I discovered last night that someone is been dating throughout the whole of last year has a long term partner.

I am now happily in a new relationship, and am struggling between telling his partner. I could do so, through social media.

He has admitted it and apologised over and over, it doesn't stop me feeling cheap and humiliated and embarrassed though.

I'm not sure if I want to tell her because I want to break him or because I think she deserves to know.

What do you think?

OP posts:
GrilledBear · 27/02/2023 20:19

I would want to know but I would want to see evidence.

Original poster
Daisysunset · 27/02/2023 20:20

I've got lots of photos of us together with on trips out and a years worth of archived WhatsApp conversations.

OP posts:
Freeme31 · 27/02/2023 20:20

I would want to know.

Nowthatlovehasperished · 27/02/2023 20:21

I would want to know

supercali77 · 27/02/2023 20:23

Its a tricky one. Is he erratic? Dodgy (beyond being a skeezy cheater)? I told some I had been dating's long term partner he was cheating...and it started a several months long campaign by him that ended in me having to get the police involved. His long term partner told him who I was. What I'd sent etc. Sending proof also completely outs you. And that can make it dangerous. If I were to do it over again I'd make it anonymous

firstmummy2019 · 27/02/2023 20:23

Tell her. She probably has suspicions but has been gaslit and lied to.

Neveragain85 · 27/02/2023 20:25

She deserves to know

mycatsanutter · 27/02/2023 20:25

Yep I would tell her , I would want to know . How shit for you , sorry 🙁

Original poster
Daisysunset · 27/02/2023 20:25

I would say he's not dodgy - he is full of apologies and I have no problem being outed, I've done nothing wrong.

I found out thanks to a complete fluke and he admitted it.

OP posts:
winterbegone · 27/02/2023 20:25

Make from an anonymous account if you do, she won't take it well and might possibly try and get you back somehow. You've moved on, I wouldn't think about too much and leave it.

Original poster
Daisysunset · 27/02/2023 20:26

mycatsanutter · 27/02/2023 20:25

Yep I would tell her , I would want to know . How shit for you , sorry 🙁

Thank you - it's absolutely knocked me for six, I can't believe he played me like that.

I'm happy in a new relationship now and wouldn't have wanted him back anyway, but I just feel so used.

OP posts:
supercali77 · 27/02/2023 20:27

OP. Yeah sorry I didnt mean you'd done anything wrong. I found out bevause I found his social media that he'd managed to hide from me by slightly changing his name and immediately told her...it was more if he might be the kind of person to turn on you

Original poster
Daisysunset · 27/02/2023 20:29

supercali77 · 27/02/2023 20:27

OP. Yeah sorry I didnt mean you'd done anything wrong. I found out bevause I found his social media that he'd managed to hide from me by slightly changing his name and immediately told her...it was more if he might be the kind of person to turn on you

Oh, I see what you mean now - thanks.

OP posts:
Birdieinthebush · 27/02/2023 20:33

I’d appreciate being told.

SunflowerTed · 27/02/2023 20:35

I’d want to know

changedforonenightonly · 27/02/2023 20:36

I'd want to know too.

changedforonenightonly · 27/02/2023 20:39

Ploughing your life into a shared dream/family etc and in the meantime he's doing that. I'd want to know. Fuck that.

Successgirl2022 · 27/02/2023 20:40

As a loyal wife, I would want to know the truth.

Zanatdy · 27/02/2023 20:51

As hard as it will be for her she absolutely has a right to know. He’s only apologetic as he’s been caught out, he better store up his apologies for his wife

IWineAndDontDine · 27/02/2023 20:53

I would also want to know. This is a crucial point in someone's life where they potentially find the person they will settle down/have children/spend the rest of their lives with. They could be in for even more pain in the future or they could find someone who wouldn't treat them like that

Junglejane8 · 27/02/2023 20:54

Please tell her. Girls for girls!

LaughingCat · 27/02/2023 20:59

Other way round here (I know, I know, I’m terrible). I wouldn’t want someone to shove their nose in if it was my fella - that’s their relationship and for him to sort.

For all you know, she’s more than aware that he has side pieces and might be either trying to ignore it or actively doesn’t care.

You’re happy, you’ve moved on - focus on your life moving forward and forget the past.

But this kind of thinking tends to get you strung up on these threads. I’m sure most wil disagree.

bluecerilian · 27/02/2023 21:01

I'd want to know. He could looking for his next hook up.

Hawkins003 · 27/02/2023 21:02

Its a tricky one op,

Ginger1982 · 27/02/2023 21:04

I'm curious how he hid this for a whole year? Didn't you even have an inkling? Friends? Family?