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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheater - should I tell her?

83 replies

Daisysunset · 27/02/2023 20:12

I discovered last night that someone is been dating throughout the whole of last year has a long term partner.

I am now happily in a new relationship, and am struggling between telling his partner. I could do so, through social media.

He has admitted it and apologised over and over, it doesn't stop me feeling cheap and humiliated and embarrassed though.

I'm not sure if I want to tell her because I want to break him or because I think she deserves to know.

What do you think?

OP posts:
adistraction · 28/02/2023 03:29

It's shit and I'm sorry for both of you but please tell her! She deserves to know.

Bigmummaof2 · 28/02/2023 03:42

LaughingCat · 27/02/2023 20:59

Other way round here (I know, I know, I’m terrible). I wouldn’t want someone to shove their nose in if it was my fella - that’s their relationship and for him to sort.

For all you know, she’s more than aware that he has side pieces and might be either trying to ignore it or actively doesn’t care.

You’re happy, you’ve moved on - focus on your life moving forward and forget the past.

But this kind of thinking tends to get you strung up on these threads. I’m sure most wil disagree.

I agree x

barmycatmum · 28/02/2023 03:46

God, that poor woman. Please tell her.

SomeareDeluded · 28/02/2023 04:32

LaughingCat · 27/02/2023 20:59

Other way round here (I know, I know, I’m terrible). I wouldn’t want someone to shove their nose in if it was my fella - that’s their relationship and for him to sort.

For all you know, she’s more than aware that he has side pieces and might be either trying to ignore it or actively doesn’t care.

You’re happy, you’ve moved on - focus on your life moving forward and forget the past.

But this kind of thinking tends to get you strung up on these threads. I’m sure most wil disagree.

How can they 'sort' their relationship if she is blissfully unaware he's out shagging others and lying to them too? He is denying his partner/spouse her reality to make informed decisions and consent about her life.

I doubt any woman wouldn't want to know she was involved with a lowlife cheating scumbag!

Moser85 · 28/02/2023 04:37

I would 100% want to know.

Resister · 28/02/2023 04:58

It's not 'drama' @ramanw , it's human decency and consideration for other people that makes some of us think about things this way. Thankfully most people understand this

Justalittlebitduckling · 28/02/2023 06:09

Do you wish someone had told you early on in the relationship, or not?

letthatmango · 28/02/2023 06:34

What a nasty piece, so sorry you were lied to like that.

But yes tell her. It doesn’t matter why you want to, that’s irrelevant. It matters that she can make decisions about her future wisely. She could be considering marriage, babies, financial ties.

Get it over and done with and tell her.

GoodChat · 28/02/2023 06:38

I would want to know, but just with facts and evidence.

Roselilly36 · 28/02/2023 06:53

I expect you aren’t the first person this man has strung along, so sorry OP. Yes you could tell the partner, but think carefully the reason for doing so first.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 28/02/2023 06:54

Yes. Tell her.

TheySeeMeRowling · 28/02/2023 06:54

There is nothing worse than a random woman sliding into your DMs telling you she had sex with your husband. Keep out of it.

Original poster
Daisysunset · 28/02/2023 07:32

TheySeeMeRowling · 28/02/2023 06:54

There is nothing worse than a random woman sliding into your DMs telling you she had sex with your husband. Keep out of it.

Really? Is that worse that your partner cheating on you for a year?

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisysunset · 28/02/2023 07:35

Thank you all for your replies - yes, I would definitely want to have been told to save me wasting a year of my life on that lowlife.

So I will tell her the facts, and evidence if needed, then I'll bow out of their lives.

I don't want any drama at all and if I'm honest I think I'd rather walk away and leave him to his own mess, but I completely see where the majority of you are coming from; she does deserve to know so she can make her own decisions.

OP posts:
DarkNecessities · 28/02/2023 07:54

I didn’t tell and still regret it now, years later. I made the decision to tell a while after I found out and then circumstances changed, and it was too late.

I do feel guilty

purplerainlondon · 28/02/2023 08:01

I don't always understand these "other women."
How can you not know for a year that the guy you are dating has a partner- I find it actually baffling!
I also don't understand women who know that a guy has a partner, who continue to chase around after them.

GoodChat · 28/02/2023 08:05

purplerainlondon · 28/02/2023 08:01

I don't always understand these "other women."
How can you not know for a year that the guy you are dating has a partner- I find it actually baffling!
I also don't understand women who know that a guy has a partner, who continue to chase around after them.

She said they don't live in the same area - so it's fairly easy for men do live two lives.

Lambchop1 · 28/02/2023 08:18

Leave it. You will just stir up drama znd she probably knows he is out being a dog or at least has suspicions . It’s her problem and you’ll just be the bad guy - he will apologise and they will likely stay together anyway

live your life and leave this mess behind - not your problem now

Andypandy799 · 28/02/2023 08:22

@Daisysunset she deserves to know, that’s all there is to it.

Campervangirl · 28/02/2023 08:58

I think you're doing the right thing to tell her, I'd definitely want to know, she may or may not believe you but you have evidence.
If I were her I'd not be happy (shoot the messenger) but once I'd calmed down I'd want the facts.
Definitely don't do it anonymously, that would make it worse for her, the not knowing who's contacted you.
Update us and good luck

Jaffacakesarenotabiscuit · 28/02/2023 09:32

I would want to know

I’ve been in that woman’s shoes. I have had a woman message me about my ex about 4 years ago - we were actually in the middle of buying a house together which would have financially crippled us to do so. She saved me from making the worst mistake of my life. We had at the time been together for about 3 years, had merged our children etc

She sent me screenshots of conversations, times they had arranged to meet up and she answered all my questions. It had been going on for a long time and he had told her I was just a casual relationship - why she was even still seeing him knowing I was also on the scene as even just a casual relationship though is beyond me.

I didn’t leave him immediately - I was a bit shocked - however it was a mere few weeks later that I had recovered emotionally enough to know I couldn’t be in that relationship, cancelled the mortgage, pulled out of the house purchase and moved on.

Im actually phenomenally grateful to that woman. Thank god she told me

Greenfinch7 · 04/03/2023 10:28

People on MN who advise not to tell say two things: "Don't tell her; probably she already knows", or "Don't tell her; why would you want to through this landmine into another person's life?"

When you are being cheated on by a skilful liar, you are neither blissfully happy
in your relationship, nor are you aware of what is going on.

Instead, you have a subconscious uneasy feeling that things are not quite right, but you tell yourself that long-term relationships have their ups and downs, that nothing is perfect, that there is a lot of good in your marriage and it is worth holding onto even if your have periods of feeling less close to one another. You keep blaming yourself and trying to do better, when actually you are compensating for an emotional distance that is being caused by the horrible manipulative lie which is at the root of your marriage: the problem is you have no knowledge or control. Being in a marriage with a partner who is having a long-term affair is like trying to cure an undiagnosed terminal illness with organic vegetables and mindfulness, and feeling bad that your diet isn't clean enough to give you more energy. When you find out you have cancer, a lot of things that you were trying not to notice suddenly make sense.

Please tell people if they are being cheated on, and tell them with enough concrete information that they don't waste their energy trying to justify their cheating lying spouse.
People deserve to know what is going on in their own lives.

Alstothemarvshien · 04/03/2023 10:59

@Daisysunset do you know her at all?

Original poster
Daisysunset · 04/03/2023 10:59

No, I don't know her.

OP posts:
Alstothemarvshien · 04/03/2023 11:03

Daisysunset · 04/03/2023 10:59

No, I don't know her.

I would say just be aware of any assumptions you're making.
Not everyone reacts in the way you expect them to.