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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheater - should I tell her?

83 replies

Daisysunset · 27/02/2023 20:12

I discovered last night that someone is been dating throughout the whole of last year has a long term partner.

I am now happily in a new relationship, and am struggling between telling his partner. I could do so, through social media.

He has admitted it and apologised over and over, it doesn't stop me feeling cheap and humiliated and embarrassed though.

I'm not sure if I want to tell her because I want to break him or because I think she deserves to know.

What do you think?

OP posts:

Original poster

Daisysunset · 04/03/2023 11:04

You mean she might direct anger etc towards me?

OP posts:

Alstothemarvshien · 04/03/2023 11:09

Daisysunset · 04/03/2023 11:04

You mean she might direct anger etc towards me?

Yes.
We automatically imagine ourselves in this woman's position and most of us say we would want to know and would feel grateful for knowing.
Not everyone is the same though. You're dealing with an unknown personality.

Original poster

Daisysunset · 04/03/2023 11:12

Mmm. I do see that. I keep thinking is it a one off? It's a terrible thing to do. I'm hurt and humiliated and feel dreadful, but maybe he won't do it again. So would anyone gain anything from me telling her?

I do see the majority of people on here would want to know though, that's making me think.

OP posts:

Alstothemarvshien · 04/03/2023 11:20

You don't gain anything from telling her. You could create more trouble for yourself by telling her.
She stands to gain from you telling her - if she is the sort of person you assume her to be, that is.
He loses by your telling her, even if it's just that it makes his life harder for a while (if she stays with him).
Weight it up.
It depends how you found out and what you found out. Are we talking the level of the Tinder swindler here, or just some guy whose marriage was going through a lull for a year?

Barbecuebeans · 04/03/2023 11:23

Greenfinch7 · 04/03/2023 10:28

People on MN who advise not to tell say two things: "Don't tell her; probably she already knows", or "Don't tell her; why would you want to through this landmine into another person's life?"

When you are being cheated on by a skilful liar, you are neither blissfully happy
in your relationship, nor are you aware of what is going on.

Instead, you have a subconscious uneasy feeling that things are not quite right, but you tell yourself that long-term relationships have their ups and downs, that nothing is perfect, that there is a lot of good in your marriage and it is worth holding onto even if your have periods of feeling less close to one another. You keep blaming yourself and trying to do better, when actually you are compensating for an emotional distance that is being caused by the horrible manipulative lie which is at the root of your marriage: the problem is you have no knowledge or control. Being in a marriage with a partner who is having a long-term affair is like trying to cure an undiagnosed terminal illness with organic vegetables and mindfulness, and feeling bad that your diet isn't clean enough to give you more energy. When you find out you have cancer, a lot of things that you were trying not to notice suddenly make sense.

Please tell people if they are being cheated on, and tell them with enough concrete information that they don't waste their energy trying to justify their cheating lying spouse.
People deserve to know what is going on in their own lives.

This is such a brilliant summary.

teachingbean · 04/03/2023 11:25

Tell her. Poor girl. Stay as 'anonymous as you can whilst providing evidence.

Hallmark1234 · 04/03/2023 11:30

Take a few days/a week to mull it over, then decide, with the help of the replies on here, to make your decision.

Maybe someone who was, or is in the position of being the original wife/partner, who was told of their OH cheating, will post their thoughts?

FlippyFloppyShoe · 04/03/2023 18:37

No one told me, I had gut 'feels' for years on and off and afaik now they were 'brief encounters' to affairs and I have no idea how many over the years or how long any of them lasted. The biggest hurdle I had to overcome was being in my community and thinking 'did you know' or 'were you one'? And no-one having said a word to me. It was soul destroying to think I had been living a total lie and maybe my friends or neighbours knew and no-one had the courage to tell me. I found it very hard to trust anyone during that time. I would have been thankful for having the evidence and being told.

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