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Original poster

Cheater - should I tell her?

83 replies

Daisysunset · 27/02/2023 20:12

I discovered last night that someone is been dating throughout the whole of last year has a long term partner.

I am now happily in a new relationship, and am struggling between telling his partner. I could do so, through social media.

He has admitted it and apologised over and over, it doesn't stop me feeling cheap and humiliated and embarrassed though.

I'm not sure if I want to tell her because I want to break him or because I think she deserves to know.

What do you think?

OP posts:
juliettesmother · 27/02/2023 21:04

Not my monkeys not my circus

Original poster
Daisysunset · 27/02/2023 21:05

No, I realise I sound incredibly naive but I just believed him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisysunset · 27/02/2023 21:09

We don't live close and everything he said and did just sounded plausible.

I'm kicking myself now - looking back I can see the signs but I was blinded by him, he was my world for that year.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 27/02/2023 21:09

Well she may already know...I'd still tell her. If she wants to she can carry on ignoring it but at least you know she's been given the choice. And you'd have peace of mind that he's not getting one over on her too.

Junglejane8 · 27/02/2023 21:09

Are you in Edinburgh any chance OP? This literally happened to one of my friends a couple of years ago and we found out after the guy was like serial at doing it, dating around behind his gf's back.
He's still with the same girlfriend. It's awful.

Original poster
Daisysunset · 27/02/2023 21:10

No - I'm in Devon.

OP posts:
username1722 · 27/02/2023 21:48

Yes 100% tell her. If I was her, I'd want to know, regardless of whether you'd done it for selfish reasons or not.

There are so many people who are living lie when there is someone else out there who knows the truth but has opted to stay quiet.

It's great that you've moved on and found happiness. You now have the power to potentially do that for this woman as well.

Greenfinch7 · 27/02/2023 21:50

Please tell. I would have been so grateful if someone had told me

ramanw · 27/02/2023 22:12

Personally, I would just leave it.
Stay out of the drama.

ExtraOnions · 27/02/2023 22:22

Why do you want to tell her ? Is it to make you feel better, or to make her feel better ?

Original poster
Daisysunset · 27/02/2023 22:40

ExtraOnions · 27/02/2023 22:22

Why do you want to tell her ? Is it to make you feel better, or to make her feel better ?

I don't honestly know. When I found out this morning all I wanted was to ruin him, but literally dozens of messages later where I've ranted and told him what an absolute bastard he is, I've kind of run out of stream.

I'm tired of it now, and want to leave the miserable sad sack in my past, but wondered if I should tell her so she can have the choice whether to do the same or not.

OP posts:
Mammajay · 27/02/2023 22:41

I would want to know

Catoo · 27/02/2023 22:41

Maybe going against most advice on here. I would not tell her. You run the risk of being mixed up in a horrible drama.
Enjoy your new relationship and move on.
x

Shoemadlady · 27/02/2023 22:42

She may already know!

Original poster
Daisysunset · 27/02/2023 22:43

Shoemadlady · 27/02/2023 22:42

She may already know!

I don't think she does.

OP posts:
KeepingItReal2017 · 27/02/2023 23:09

Stay out of it. It’s unfair for you to interfere now. As someone has said - not my monkey, not my circus.

beenwhereyouare · 27/02/2023 23:10

The kindest thing you can do for her now is to tell. It will hurt her, but she deserves to know the truth. She deserves the chance to choose her future. I think it will help you feel better about all of it. Regardless of the reason, you will be looking out for her, and will regain some of the control you may feel you've lost over this situation.

Would you have wanted someone to tell you? 💐

PToosher · 27/02/2023 23:33

Personally I'd let it go.

If you tell, be prepared for what the outcome of that might be. Violence etc.

Dinersaur · 27/02/2023 23:39

I think, I would want to know. But, in your position, I wouldn't tell. I'd feel bad about not telling, but you're opening yourself up to a load of hassle and potentially abuse. If you weigh up the pros and cons to you personally, selfish, it isn't worth it.

Mari9999 · 28/02/2023 00:42

If you are truly happy, why are you bothering to give him any though? Focus on your life as it is now, and put him in your past.

It is not your role to play the avenging angel. He may be doing the same with this woman or they may have a totally different relationship as compared to the relationship that the two of you had together.

I never quite understand women who say that they have an amazing relationship and what they now want to do is bring possible misery into another woman's life.

If this woman has doubts, she will seek out information. At the moment she is probably telling someone else about her amazing relationship. You probably believed your prior relationship to be amazing until the very day that you discovered that it was not. Her journey and discoveries are hers to experience without unsolicited information from an unhappy ex.

If you want to do something positive for her then pray to the powers that be that theirs turns out to be a good and happy relationship for the both of them. After you do that ,you should focus on your life and forget about him and his new life.

Johnisafckface · 28/02/2023 01:13

I would want to know.

If she knows already then it will just confirm it for her.

But I’ve been cheated on twice by long term partners and I wish someone would’ve told me, it would e saved me years of my life from being wasted on cheaters.

savethatkitty · 28/02/2023 02:48

I would tell. There is nothing worse than being the last to know

coffy11 · 28/02/2023 02:52

I would definitely tell her, she deserves to know

Fancylike · 28/02/2023 03:23

I would want to know. This wasn’t a drunken hook up, it sounds like he fully courted you and was a full relationship, barr his actual partner.

I was once the unknowing partner, but the side girlfriend was fully aware of me. When I broke up with him for unrelated reasons, they got married a year later - that’s how I found out as they had photos together on display at the wedding that spanned part of our relationship. Including at events etc I had attended and my own birthday party. I wish someone had the guts to tell me.

FlippyFloppyShoe · 28/02/2023 03:29

Tell her.
I never understand people who say 'keep out of it'. There is a poor probably unsuspecting woman living a lie with a cowardly liar. He has probably done it before and will probably do it again. She deserves to find out and make her own choice about what she wants to do with this information. My advice is the same regardless of if they have children or not. She deserves to know the truth about her life so she can move forward if she wishes sooner rather than later.