Online dating - are all the men creepy now a days?

[LeThemEatTurnips]

Or is it because I am older now?

I used to do online dating before the 2020 pandemic and always met normal, nice men and had a good time. I even had a boyfriend I met on one of the apps and we are still friends now. I came off the apps during lock down and never been back since until a couple of weeks ago. I already left, and this is why:

So in two weeks:

• I was told “fcuk you” because I didn’t want to send a guy any more pictures...he had only one picture on display and refused to share more before I shared first...

• I was sent as a first message, a long paragraph with some bad written explicit erotica story about what he wanted to do with me - totally unsolicited and very jarring.

• After few days of back and forth, I was lured into exchanging phone numbers to firm the details of a date - the day and time was already set - only to receive a weird message, the day before the date, in the middle of the night asking ‘awake?’ - I replied the next morning saying, "yes, now I am awake" and never heard from him since...

-I was called “such a let down” just because I didn’t want to message further or meet a guy when it became clear we were not a match.

These were 4 different men. I am glad they showed who they are in such eatery stages and saved my time but honestly I am not inclined to put myself there is this is the norm now.

For the record - I had clear, recent and casual (as in not professional taken, but good) photos, nothing sexy, sensual or glamorous, not a cleavage or provocative body part / body posture on sight.
I also had a lighthearted but precise bio explaining who I am, what I like and what I am after - no ambiguity. I know the game and know how it works, I've probably been is most if not all OLD apps out there but never experienced something like this.

I'm in London btw, sure is the best place in England in terms of quantity of options?

Will go back to reply on meeting organically now, through hobbies, events, activities etc. Spring coming, I will put myself out there. Problem is, it seems like men don't approach women face to face anymore (unless there is alcohol and a party vibe involved?) I am not a pub / bar goer, so maybe this is what I am getting wrong.

Thoughts?

I'm in London, too and tried online dating at different points in my life and always encountered guys like you mentioned, even 15 years ago.
Exactly the same thing with unprompted poorly written erotic 'what I'd do to you' or the guilting me for not replying quick enough and the incessant demands for yet more pics other wise I'm a fake and deserve a fuck you.
I don't know what to suggest as I too find men reluctant to approach in real life. They do this staring thing and might flirt but rarely do they make it to actually asking me out. I don't think men generally are putting their balls on the line anymore, it's all instant gratification and social media hook ups. I'm mid 30s.

If they are on, “on line dating apps,” I would estimate they are like you say, creepy, & just after easy sex. Hopefully you can meet a genuine man in real time somewhere soon.

• early stages

• rely on meeting organically

I promise I had no typos on my bio😉🤓😬

My experience in the past was mostly good. Some wanted easy sex but some genuinely wanted to find a rematiobship.
There was some weirdness but that was easily detected and avoided. I also have never received a dick pic ever so maybe I was just lucky.

They are disgusting. Either creepy sex pests or completely inadequate. Id rather be on my own. What the fuck makes a man in his 60's send me a picture of his wrinkly penis and saggy balls. Who wants to see that.

In my (London) experience all the normal people have gone back to meeting organically, while the creeps remain online. Definitely go for hobbies etc. A dance class maybe? Central London beginners salsa classes seem to attract a decent amount of men.

I think some men have a lack of morals. They see women as a conveyer belt of opportunities, sex has to be on tap, no baggage as they often claim in their bio, huge red flag to me, they will have distorted view of women, or ideas of what a woman should be for them, but no idea what they can bring to the table themselves. All very self serving with a stepping stone mental attitude .

Yes they may look a picture of health but have the same low opinion of women as Andrew Tate has.

It has really slipped in the past few years I feel

There's decent men out there. You've been unlucky. Just ignore them, and carry on, responding only to those who float your boat. Get out and about in real life too. You'll meet someone when the time's right, and you'll be glad you didn't meet someone nearly-right who got in the way.

Out of interest, what dating app are you on? I wonder if they're all the same.

Yes, it's a numbers game... just like in real life. In the same way that you shouldn't expect to find a partner within days or even weeks of doing stuff organically, it's the same with OLD. You just have to bat away a load of inadequate incels on OLD.

Looking on the bright side, at least they're being upfront with their personalities, and not reeling you in for a few months before displaying the real them...

Now their modus operandi seems to be, "treat them crap from the start, and if they are still interested, I'm onto winner!" They seem to be fast-tracking past all those women who value themselves, have reasonable levels of esteem, and won't put up with crap.... rather than pretending to be nice guys in the hope that one of these women will stick around when she finds out who they really are.

It's opening up to the general public, all from different walks of life and morals, especially in London there will be lots to swipe through, I also found the majority were sleazy but only dated the ones that seemed respectful and keen to make the effort to come more towards where I lived. You can meet men in rl but it's going to take alot longer, less opportunity. It's likely to be at a social event or work.

You can meet men in rl but it's going to take alot longer, less opportunity

Not necessarily. OP might go out twice and meet the right guy. Or 200 times and not meet the right guy. Same with anything in life. You keep trying until you get what you want. No guarantees; just keep your pecker up and keep going.

The more people that use OLD the more idiots that will be on there. One of the problems with it being so mainstream. With men it's fuck boys and creeps.

I don’t know about this, I go to a couple of hobby groups (with zero intention of dating) in London, the single men there swarm around the women, but they’re the type of guys who wouldn’t do well on on one dating. I’m not sure there are any easy answers on where to
meet decent men.

• wouldn’t do well online dating

I think they get worse and worse as they get older I'm afraid. Online dating has always been a very mixed bag sifty through a lot of disingenuous men mostly after sex. But then I'm super awkward.

I think lockdown changed a lot of people's social skills but I haven't needed to date since.

I can compare as I switched teams and it was much least effort. Met my wife on Tinder not long after following a couple of other pleasant dates with women I didn't have chemistry with.

Although my discomfort with men online dating might also have been related to being on the wrong team in the first place 🤣

I've given up. When I went to my usual restaurant the other week to meet a friend the front of house said have you given all that up now ? When I said yes she gave me a hug and said congratulations 😂

You don't say how old you are, but I'm
Mid-30s and I'm back onto OLD following my divorce.

When I first used OLD 12 years ago it certainly seemed a lot less seedy and men seemed to make a little more effort to at least appear decent!

Perhaps now, because I'm looking at an older "age bracket" it just seems that there are so many creeps!

Also men who are mid 40s or older who don't know what they want, and will happily write things on their bio such as "No crazies please" or "Nobody with baggage please!" When, realistically most (most, not all) people by mid 30s or later are likely to have some form of "baggage".

It's truly depressing, I feel your pain with it OP!

Also should add that my STBXH was using dating sites whilst we were still together so I notice a few red flags when messaging men on them now which indicate to me that they may well be married!

Yes couldn't agree more. Am mid 50s, and have been insulted, treated badly, and plenty of disgusting dick pics.

I was in hospital with my son, one sent me a pic of him wanking. ( he was 58).

Given that up now, moved on to going out by myself with a book, to pubs and bars, much more success!

Free yourself from the trauma, just don't bother.

Singles skiing holidays - now thats a place to meet men.

Totally agree with the traumatic aspect of it. I have always being praised about my resilience and was told on different occasions that I have thick skin, I’ve been through some shit in my life and came out better on the other side…but these interactions I described on the OP felt like abuse. Literally. Why would I put time and energy into risking being abused over and over again by strangers. I don’t want to become a bitter person, I don’t want to become a men hater but I see this is how I will end up if I carry on.

Will live just for me now and let life surprise me (or not).

I miss having that special chemistry with a man, sharing experiences, inside jokes etc. It shouldn’t be so hard. Maybe I should just grieve the loss of hope and appreciate who I am solo.

I went to several evening classes in London for a few years when I wasn't looking for a bloke as I was with someone and the men on it were like vultures. They were the same sort of creepy blokes online, you know, the much older ones hitting on women 15+ years younger than them.

Tried at the end of last year, didn't answer a guy's message straight away (I was cooking dinner) and got asked if I was actually female as all my pictures looked different. I'm very much female, don't look anything other than female.

Previously when I tried I've had dick pics, been called cold and hard work by someone I've never met, attempts at sexting,offered money for sex (I'm not a prostitute ffs). I had one guy (he came across as a decent guy mind you) who said I seemed lovely but yes I was hard work when I mentioned to him being called hard work (he was honest and said he just wanted sex and by that stage we were just chatting).

Why would I put time and energy into risking being abused over and over again by strangers. I don’t want to become a bitter person, I don’t want to become a men hater but I see this is how I will end up if I carry on

It's not abuse, and if someone sends you a message you don't like, you just stop contacting them. If that's too uncomfortable, have a look at why you get attached so fast. People can't hurt you with comments unless you care about what they say, and these are just strangers. It's on you to find out why you feel so vulnerable to their negative energy, why it bothers you so much. There will always be idiots and rude people out there. We have to either know how to deal with them, or not go 'out there', and by that, I mean not go out into the world. If you can't handle a few tough comments from strangers, how will you handle difficulties in a relationship? How will you handle getting to know someone for a few months and then finding out you have irreconcilable differences? Relational difficulties are tough and we all need to be able to deal with them. The ones you're having are very superficial and unimportant, but still risk you getting bitter. Why does it bother you so much?

I don’t think the OP needs to look at why she found these experiences upsetting. She did and is choosing not to expose herself to any further. The risks outweigh the potential rewards for her. Just because someone else can tolerate this stuff doesn’t mean everyone can or should. And this really bears no reflection on how the OP may work through relational difficulties.