Online dating - are all the men creepy now a days?

[LeThemEatTurnips]

Or is it because I am older now?

I used to do online dating before the 2020 pandemic and always met normal, nice men and had a good time. I even had a boyfriend I met on one of the apps and we are still friends now. I came off the apps during lock down and never been back since until a couple of weeks ago. I already left, and this is why:

So in two weeks:

• I was told “fcuk you” because I didn’t want to send a guy any more pictures...he had only one picture on display and refused to share more before I shared first...

• I was sent as a first message, a long paragraph with some bad written explicit erotica story about what he wanted to do with me - totally unsolicited and very jarring.

• After few days of back and forth, I was lured into exchanging phone numbers to firm the details of a date - the day and time was already set - only to receive a weird message, the day before the date, in the middle of the night asking ‘awake?’ - I replied the next morning saying, "yes, now I am awake" and never heard from him since...

-I was called “such a let down” just because I didn’t want to message further or meet a guy when it became clear we were not a match.

These were 4 different men. I am glad they showed who they are in such eatery stages and saved my time but honestly I am not inclined to put myself there is this is the norm now.

For the record - I had clear, recent and casual (as in not professional taken, but good) photos, nothing sexy, sensual or glamorous, not a cleavage or provocative body part / body posture on sight.
I also had a lighthearted but precise bio explaining who I am, what I like and what I am after - no ambiguity. I know the game and know how it works, I've probably been is most if not all OLD apps out there but never experienced something like this.

I'm in London btw, sure is the best place in England in terms of quantity of options?

Will go back to reply on meeting organically now, through hobbies, events, activities etc. Spring coming, I will put myself out there. Problem is, it seems like men don't approach women face to face anymore (unless there is alcohol and a party vibe involved?) I am not a pub / bar goer, so maybe this is what I am getting wrong.

Thoughts?

I think i encountered the erotica guy. (Shudders)

it is possible to feel negative emotions and still not being dragged down by these emotions or other people’s negativity

But you are being dragged down. You're allowing these fools to change your behaviour, you're allowing them to limit your options. I'm not suggesting you pretend it's not happening. It's like rain; you can get bitter or you can get an umbrella.

It's funny you mention denial but don't recognise it in yourself. You're posts are very defensive too. All signs of a delicate ego, and it's up to you to fix that.

but if it’s working for you, enjoy

Not sure why your comments have these passive aggressive digs in them. Again, delicate ego, perhaps.

Aaaah the old Ego, of course, the go to lesson topic from the enlightened

Being dragged down is not bad - gives me resilience, creativity and resourcefullnes to pull myself back up and re-emerge better, bigger, stroger

That is life - up / down ~ up / down

Changing behaviour is obviously good too! Who wants to keep behaving in a way that is not productive or life enhancing? Not me.

As for leaving OLD and limiting my options - that is just an opinion. It is speculation.
Nobody knows. I could spend the rest of my life on OLD and only come accross the sad fucks or even meet nice men that are not a true match or I could go down to the corner shop tonight and bump into my ‘soulmate’. It is a mystery. Like evetything else in life really.

“but if it’s working for you, enjoy”

was not meant to be a dig at all. That is how you perceived it. It is clear from your posts that whatever you believe is working for you, so much so you that you invest a lot on this thead trying to put your point accross especially when it differs from whatever other people wrote…at least this is how it seems to me.

I was pondering about anger and all the negative emotions I felt because of what I’ve written on the OP. I love it. Well direct anger is powerful. I’ve already made a few changes in my life because of that anger and feel a lot better and excited for what is coming even though the sad OLD fucks dragged me down for a moment and that is the silver lining right there - no experience is wasted when we know how to turn emotions into catalysts.

Glad you're happy. Shame you have to make digs. Not to worry.

As for leaving OLD and limiting my options - that is just an opinion. It is speculation

If you have 10 ways of doing something and you choose not to use 1 of them, that's limiting your options. That's not speculation or opinion, it's logic. Nobody knows if or when you will meet a compatible partner, but that's not about how many options you're keeping open.

Christ @Watchkeys why so invested?

Except OLD fills me with dread rather than excitement and this time around I don’t feel like being there and don’t want to dedicate my time to it - sure that is enough of an argument? Refrain from doing something that brings the opposite of joy to life if possible? What is the point being there not wanting to be there? Because being there without a proper effort is rather pointless and will only bring more contempt to the interactions, right?

I got chatting to a bloke online. he seemed nice. We seemed to have things in common. I asked him to send me his pho online but he said he did not have one but would email it to me. I sent him my photo online. We chatted some more and then I thought what the heck its only an email address so I gave him my email address and he said he would email his picture. True to his word, he did email his photo. It was nothing special,, in fact the photo was of him looking very miserable and not even happy. He said in his email that was the only photo he had. I find that strange because most people have a few photos of themselves from different situations but he said he did not have anything else to show me and admitted that the phto he sent was nothing special and he said I usually look better than that.

I replied to his email and said I want to see a photo of you looking happy and preferably not such a close up. I wanted to see more of a full length photo. Because of what he said, I said to him if you really do not have anything else then can yo take a selfie and send it, a nice smiley happy looking selfie

We do not live near each other and he was saying that if we got on over time I could go and live with him because he has 3 bed house and if that was not possible then he would move to my area and then he said do you have enough room in you property for me. I said no and then I said could you not sell up and move to my area and he said yes but I would not get much for what i sell my place for because its more expencive where you live

What does anyone make of this

Yes OP my OLD experience has been pretty similar to yours.

I’ve lost count of the amount of messages along the lines of cracking tits love. I’ve been told I’ve got the sort of arse to grab hold of when I’m on top - as a first message!

I’ve had naked photos sent and the worst one a bloke who started waking while we were chatting on the phone - and all of these men were 50+

Ive given up. I’m really comfortable with myself and I’m worth more than that shit. I’d rather be single forever than deal with any more sleazy men.

I’ve git a nice circle of single friends to socialise and holiday with - and pretty much they’ve all had the same crappy OLD experience as me.

Trawling through endless texts, conversations, and meetings with people who ultimately turn out to be idiotic, maladjusted and creepy is indisputably exhausting. If you find it an easy task then good on you..you must be a very resilient person. However even the strongest woman will find connecting with one damaged person after another a disappointing, off-putting and mentally debilitating chore.

this has more red flags than the bunting at an English village fete

I dont bother with OLD anymore. I tried for a little over 9 months and had some awful experiences so I’ve decided to find things to do that get more out of my comfort zone. I’ve been much happier since.

Bad experiences include;

1. Being told to have you picture taken next to a measurement chart because “Im not interested in anyone under 6ft”
2. Being told to send a picture of my bank balance so she “knows what she’s getting herself into”
3. Being told in a chat that men who look after kids “must be nonces, why else would they do it”
4. Being told that having a tattoo “makes you look really sexy, especially on your face”.
5. Being told that having a criminal record means “your not soft”
6. One lady, after finding I haven’t done any drugs compared me to Mother Teresa
7. One woman decided to stop a chat because her ex “promised never to put her in hospital again.

Thats just a few over the last year or so. Good Luck finding that 6’4, doctor with the big house in the country who’s got a really bad temper but has “changed”. I’ve got better things to do

Jeez Louise @Thatsthebottomline what a shitshow!

Online dating used to be very niche and as such, people were a lot more genuine. I know of a few in long term relationships who met via match or guardian soulmates years back and are still together now. Unfortunately now every tom/dick or harry uses it as an alternative to getting out there meeting people, and you really have to be hugely alert/be thick skinned enough to deal with the red flags. People are much more rigid with their wants and believe they should have it all.

I ended up meeting/interacting with lots of people who were nice but had their own issues and weren't in any emotional state to be a decent partner as they hadn't done the work on themselves. Eventually I gave up and spent a few years focussing on myself, family and friends, essentially those who wouldn't disappoint me. I was really happy doing this and thought my dating days were over. I'm in a relationship now with someone I dated years back. Even with him, we met online as friends, with no expectations of anything more.

To anyone online dating and jaded, id really recommend stepping out and focussing on yourself. You'll be in a far better place mentally and able to sift the decent ones out.

It's a nightmare, any normal man has been snapped up. Last guy I met seemed fine at first. Then it all got weird. Kept questioning me if I was meeting anyone else saying I must be going on other dates etc. Found out last night he was meeting at least one other woman while seeing me. I confronted him last night after he gave me that grief. He said I was making up bullshit and I'm mental. Men don't understand that women always find out because we think with our brain not our privates.

@thecatsarecrazy I'd say there, you'd need to watch for the flags and get out quickly, so there as soon as he started questioning you like that, id have assumed he's a control freak.

There are normal men out there but I think everyone has their issues. I certainly met nice ones but who weren't in the right place to date anyone.

Men don't understand that women always find out because we think with our brain not our privates

Wow.

After ten years I divorced/escaped from a man (I’d met through newspaper adverts prior to online dating) who had serious issues I hadn’t recognised.
Single again, I went online and for seven years dated lots of men before finally meeting someone I was convinced was a lovely emotionally balanced man. After a year continually in each other’s company (and lots of time spent with his friends and family who all adored him) we moved in together.
That’s when the trouble started - in no time at all he started behaving unhinged with the anger and control issues he’d clearly hidden from me our entire first year emerging and worsening over time. After all the arduous years of dating, he’d been the only ‘normal’ one…!

What do u mean wow?
If a man is dating multiple women we will find out one way or another.

I've chatted to my 21 year old niece on this and whilst she does dabble in old, she says most young people think( according to her!) That online dating is for older, divorced people. So not sure if it really is the way of the future.
Also she says guys of her age are really lazy and want instant gratification so even if they like you and are a " good match" they will choose someone available RIGHT NOW.
According to my non scientific interview of just one person, young women are not interested in old for all the same reasons as more mature women.

Forgot to say, I think there's a market for some type of village matchmaker system. Someone who does a background check and weeds out the perverts, scum bags, married men etc, really does a deep dive into the daters life/ history.
Then compiles a list of potential dates, and women can take what they are told at face value. If you've ever sent a dic pick EVER, you're off the list.

Yes, @thecatsarecrazy, that's the first clause of the sentence. No need to compare men with women and suggest that women can think logically and men can't. If a woman was claiming to be faithful and not being, it's equally feasible that the man would find out, and not by only thinking with his 'private's'!