Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Online dating - are all the men creepy now a days?

97 replies

LeThemEatTurnips · 26/02/2023 13:54

Or is it because I am older now?

I used to do online dating before the 2020 pandemic and always met normal, nice men and had a good time. I even had a boyfriend I met on one of the apps and we are still friends now. I came off the apps during lock down and never been back since until a couple of weeks ago. I already left, and this is why:

So in two weeks:

  • I was told “fcuk you” because I didn’t want to send a guy any more pictures...he had only one picture on display and refused to share more before I shared first...
  • I was sent as a first message, a long paragraph with some bad written explicit erotica story about what he wanted to do with me - totally unsolicited and very jarring.
  • After few days of back and forth, I was lured into exchanging phone numbers to firm the details of a date - the day and time was already set - only to receive a weird message, the day before the date, in the middle of the night asking ‘awake?’ - I replied the next morning saying, "yes, now I am awake" and never heard from him since...

-I was called “such a let down” just because I didn’t want to message further or meet a guy when it became clear we were not a match.

These were 4 different men. I am glad they showed who they are in such eatery stages and saved my time but honestly I am not inclined to put myself there is this is the norm now.

For the record - I had clear, recent and casual (as in not professional taken, but good) photos, nothing sexy, sensual or glamorous, not a cleavage or provocative body part / body posture on sight.
I also had a lighthearted but precise bio explaining who I am, what I like and what I am after - no ambiguity. I know the game and know how it works, I've probably been is most if not all OLD apps out there but never experienced something like this.

I'm in London btw, sure is the best place in England in terms of quantity of options?

Will go back to reply on meeting organically now, through hobbies, events, activities etc. Spring coming, I will put myself out there. Problem is, it seems like men don't approach women face to face anymore (unless there is alcohol and a party vibe involved?) I am not a pub / bar goer, so maybe this is what I am getting wrong.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
WiIson · 26/02/2023 21:22

Obviously not, but you will have to plough through an awful lot of bad ones before you find someone decent.

Watchkeys · 26/02/2023 21:24

@PhillyJoe

You sound so wise.

Successgirl2022 · 26/02/2023 21:35

To find my lovely DH I had up to 180-200 contacts (people who messaged and met only 1) before I met him and we clicked.

You have said hello to very few. Never give up, keep communicating and you will meet your right match sooner or later out of a bigger quantity correspondence.

My task was more of a challenge. I was looking for my future husband from abroad and had my options worldwide.

Successgirl2022 · 26/02/2023 21:38

In my dating profile, I was saying: 'I am looking for my future husband to have a baby with'.

So those who didn't want to get married and have a baby were not wasting my time.

Successgirl2022 · 26/02/2023 21:40

It took me 5 months of the selection process for 1-2 hours nearly every day to find my DH.

It's a very dedicated task and selection process if you want to succeed.

Successgirl2022 · 26/02/2023 21:41

Sometimes you can be lucky and meet your Soulmate sooner.

Original poster
LeThemEatTurnips · 26/02/2023 21:47

Watchkeys · 26/02/2023 21:12

Why would I put time and energy into risking being abused over and over again by strangers. I don’t want to become a bitter person, I don’t want to become a men hater but I see this is how I will end up if I carry on

It's not abuse, and if someone sends you a message you don't like, you just stop contacting them. If that's too uncomfortable, have a look at why you get attached so fast. People can't hurt you with comments unless you care about what they say, and these are just strangers. It's on you to find out why you feel so vulnerable to their negative energy, why it bothers you so much. There will always be idiots and rude people out there. We have to either know how to deal with them, or not go 'out there', and by that, I mean not go out into the world. If you can't handle a few tough comments from strangers, how will you handle difficulties in a relationship? How will you handle getting to know someone for a few months and then finding out you have irreconcilable differences? Relational difficulties are tough and we all need to be able to deal with them. The ones you're having are very superficial and unimportant, but still risk you getting bitter. Why does it bother you so much?

pure gaslighting and invalidating

being told fuck you by a stranger because I refused to share more pictures is abuse in my book

being sent unsolicited explicit sexual content is abuse in my book

being expected to not ‘let down’ a stranger I owe nothing is abuse in my book

being lied to about going on a date when the man only wanted my phone number to sext after midnight is abuse in my book

maybe it is not abuse in your book, fair enough

what part kf my OP made you think I got attached so fast LOL?

and you think that because I’m single now - at this moment - I have never had strong, long, commited relationships in the past?

so I’m not good at conflict resolution because my bar is set high enough to give up on stranger men online as soon as they misbehave?

oh please!

if you are trying to be a dating coach or something - give up now

OP posts:
Original poster
LeThemEatTurnips · 26/02/2023 21:50

PhillyJoe · 26/02/2023 21:20

I don’t think the OP needs to look at why she found these experiences upsetting. She did and is choosing not to expose herself to any further. The risks outweigh the potential rewards for her. Just because someone else can tolerate this stuff doesn’t mean everyone can or should. And this really bears no reflection on how the OP may work through relational difficulties.

Thank you. Appreciated 💐

OP posts:
Original poster
LeThemEatTurnips · 26/02/2023 21:51

I have zero intention of getting married or having children. So for me the effort and time / energy spent is not worth anymore.

OP posts:
Greenfairydust · 26/02/2023 21:52

Online dating seems to attract an awful lot of creeps and perverts.

Too many men seem to confuse online dating with online porn.

I gave up on online dating years ago and would never do it again.

Too many risks and very little rewards.

Treetopviews · 26/02/2023 21:54

Watchkeys · 26/02/2023 21:12

Why would I put time and energy into risking being abused over and over again by strangers. I don’t want to become a bitter person, I don’t want to become a men hater but I see this is how I will end up if I carry on

It's not abuse, and if someone sends you a message you don't like, you just stop contacting them. If that's too uncomfortable, have a look at why you get attached so fast. People can't hurt you with comments unless you care about what they say, and these are just strangers. It's on you to find out why you feel so vulnerable to their negative energy, why it bothers you so much. There will always be idiots and rude people out there. We have to either know how to deal with them, or not go 'out there', and by that, I mean not go out into the world. If you can't handle a few tough comments from strangers, how will you handle difficulties in a relationship? How will you handle getting to know someone for a few months and then finding out you have irreconcilable differences? Relational difficulties are tough and we all need to be able to deal with them. The ones you're having are very superficial and unimportant, but still risk you getting bitter. Why does it bother you so much?

Can’t believe what I just read here, way to victim blame.

Watchkeys · 26/02/2023 21:56

what part kf my OP made you think I got attached so fast LOL

The fact that this is bothering you to the extent you feel it would make you bitter if you carried on.

I didn't say anything about your past relationships.

I didn't say anything about how you resolve conflict either, but your comment is pretty defensive and contains a few unwarranted and unpleasant accusations, ad gets personal, so perhaps that might be a clue.

Best of luck.

Watchkeys · 26/02/2023 21:57

@Treetopviews

Encouraging someone to be responsible for their own emotions when people are rude to them isn't victim blaming. The men are at fault, not OP. OP is responsible for how she feels, how she deals with it, and how it affects her going forwards.

Housefullofcatsandkids · 26/02/2023 21:59

I found the Facebook dating section was better than other apps in terms of there being 'normal' men on there. Went on a few dates with people I met on there and they were fine. Don't get me wrong you still get ones similar to what you've described but there were less of them.

Original poster
LeThemEatTurnips · 26/02/2023 22:03

Watchkeys · 26/02/2023 21:56

what part kf my OP made you think I got attached so fast LOL

The fact that this is bothering you to the extent you feel it would make you bitter if you carried on.

I didn't say anything about your past relationships.

I didn't say anything about how you resolve conflict either, but your comment is pretty defensive and contains a few unwarranted and unpleasant accusations, ad gets personal, so perhaps that might be a clue.

Best of luck.

of course it bothers me

I put my photos online, write a truthful bio in good faith, treat men well and with respect only to receive crap in return. Of course I would be bitter if this becomes the norm. I think it’s pretty normal, I’m human and have no tendecy to masoquism.

You didn’t mention my past relationships but mentioned conflict resolution skills. The only conflic resolution skills I need for online dating creeps is to know how to tao the report and block button.

And yes I get defensive when I’m presented with nonsense that invidates my feelings. My feelings are my feelings for me to feel and they are 100% valid.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 26/02/2023 22:13

I think they are out there (looks over at DP) - i met mine a bit more than 2 years ago. Treat it like a bar - a lot of the men who approach will be sleazy. That's a given. I suppose I was the OLD nightmare woman myself. I certainly reached the point of not caring what anyone I'd exchanged a few messages with at most thought of me. Also a date is just a date. If it's enjoyable in itself that's great. I'd say never let anyone pay for you on the first date or two at least - either do something free or pay your half. But I know others do it differently.

It probably does help if you like dick pics, but dp certainly didn't send me one!

Watchkeys · 26/02/2023 22:13

Yes, your feelings are 100% valid.

You clearly have feelings beyond this simple action

The only conflic resolution skills I need for online dating creeps is to know how to tao the report and block button

in this situation. So yes, well done for hitting the block button. But if that was all you were dealing with, you wouldn't be posting here about getting bitter. If you can't block and block and block and just dismiss it, you need better conflict resolution skills because the conflict is remaining within you even once it's over, to the extent that you might get bitter.

By saying you need to have a look at those feelings, I'm validating them, not invalidating them. You need to look at why you're feeling them, where that's coming from, and how you can respect those feelings so that when you block prats in the future, you can move on without any further concern, and you'll be able to breeze through the chaff, which will enable you to find the wheat.

It's a shame that the world has unpleasant people. It's a shame that people have been rude to you. But that is life, and if you want to get through it happily, you can't be getting bitter about a few sleazy prats.

Opentooffers · 26/02/2023 22:27

Can't say its ever happened much to me. I did get some abuse from brexiters, but I layed myself open for that by saying in my bio that if you are one, we wouldn't be on the same page - took that bit out for a peaceful life, you can tell down the line if someone is your political opposite.
Never had a dick pick or the f word. I'm strict about who I talk to though. They have to have read my bio and written something relevant to it, preferably with a sense of humour. Minimum word settings to reach - never respond to, "hi, how's you", or how's your weekend - too generic.
Then read their profile to look for weird signs - or not filling theirs in, lack of info is a no. After all that, yes it's slim pickings, but that's because the majority are unsuitable, so you either decide to spend time to weed out the chaff, or waste potentially more time chatting to someone who turns out to be a nob - it's usually obvious after a day or 2.
Paid sites are generally better quality, if doing free old sites, bound to get a fair number of idiots of poor quality. 2 weeks is the limit for arranging a meet, best to not waste too much time chatting.

Successgirl2022 · 26/02/2023 22:54

80% of young people meet online these days and it's the future of dating.

Successgirl2022 · 26/02/2023 22:55

80% of younger and older generations meet online these days. It's the future of dating.

Successgirl2022 · 26/02/2023 22:56

As for the photos, I had sexy ones as well as casual and professional ones.

Successgirl2022 · 26/02/2023 23:01

LeThemEatTurnips · 26/02/2023 21:51

I have zero intention of getting married or having children. So for me the effort and time / energy spent is not worth anymore.

Then it's worth writing in your profile exactly who you are looking for. For example: 'I am looking for serious exclusive relations. I don't want to get married and I don't want any child/ren.

So you are not wasting time on those who want to get married, and have a family and a baby/children.

DumpedByText · 26/02/2023 23:04

I can't be arsed with it all anymore. I'm 53, my profile is upbeat and honest with exactly what I'm looking for. Photos are recent and normal.

I've had the following first messages:

'I'd love to rim you'! That is all he said 🤮

Nicccceeee! Actually spelt like that.

Fit!

Nice eyes

Fancy some fun!

What hope is there when that's what they send.

Successgirl2022 · 26/02/2023 23:17

DumpedByText · 26/02/2023 23:04

I can't be arsed with it all anymore. I'm 53, my profile is upbeat and honest with exactly what I'm looking for. Photos are recent and normal.

I've had the following first messages:

'I'd love to rim you'! That is all he said 🤮

Nicccceeee! Actually spelt like that.

Fit!

Nice eyes

Fancy some fun!

What hope is there when that's what they send.

There is always hope.

Never give up and sooner or later you will find your true match.

Opentooffers · 27/02/2023 01:20

Well OK, set a minimum of 50 words or whatever and the crude one-liners don't even get through, so you don't see it, sorted.